I really feel like i've screwed up some things in my life. Sure, I think to myself that if i hadn't of moved in such a way through my past then i wouldn't be here in life, graduate with a beautiful boyfriend who loves me, a well paying job and tons of opportunity. However, I must admit, the prospect of having all of this as well as saving the friendships that feel by the wayside is driving me insane. I'm trying to patch things up with one girl, it seems to be working. I just miss having such a huge group of friends. I miss Ashley, I suppose. I remember the argument and I would have trouble forgiving her for some of the shit she pulled after the fallout but if i could work things in such a way that we were still friends? I probably would.This is a girl who i made promises to blow up fish, who i loved enough to kill a small animal for, who helped to make me who i am. Granted, every person I've ever known has played a part in my development but Ashley was more than just that. She was a major source of formative growth, even after things fell apart. Maybe I have trust issues but since they mostly stemmed from that, i find myself still wanting to trust her. Maybe, rebuilding that trust could lead to my acceptance into society as functioning, having rid myself of the lesser evils of high school past.
Or maybe I just miss Ashley.
I don't know and i don't think i want to. It's over. It's done. I can't trust her again after the words said, the phone calls, the jeering. I'm happy here. Without you.
