gone

I'm done. This is shit. You forget me and expect me to sit on the side and be there only when you want me. You are upset apparently cause I had "new friends" whose, the last time I checked, company you enjoyed as well. Whatever. Then you have your friend post comments on my site, my one release, saying I am full of shit and that you are too good for me and you don't deserve all my fucked up mindsets. FINE. Fine fine dandy. Not that my feelings mattered. My crisis. Fuck. I don't get it, I was always here. Up until about two minutes ago I would have ran out of my house, in the night, to your house if you needed me. I didn't care about anything else. Now, I call your name and you ignore me. Then, after three calls you say Whhaat? It feels really good to be loved. I would rather have friends who I am on equal ground with than something like this. Where it was you. Everything still revolves around you. I was never, ever on the inside with you. you have a circle of people who go with you everywhere. I cant even keep a friend. Best friends. Best. I thought so, you didn't, and you made that very clear, that should have been my first sign.

i saw hellboy last night. i slept until 5:10 in the evening today. I am just out of the shower. I am in one hell of a fucked up mood. Not much i can do about it.

i guess i did lose her. i dont think she wants anything to do with me. I am pretty cross-emotioned about that. im going to look at pictures and cry then i will go back to sleep. I dont think there is anything else i can do.

God, sometimes there is nothing I can do to sate what emotion I have. It hurts hurts hurts me to be so reliant on what other people do/say/think to be happy. I want, or need, to hurt someone or something right now. I guess it is more of a need type thing here. I had a super time at the concert/show thing. Elseworth is so amazing live. That and their CD (Tell a Friend) rocks ass too. And I had my CD signed by all the guys. And we got Bryan a CD and had that signed as well, since he couldn't come and all. I might have had a better time if he had. I might have felt that I wasn't always second best to someone else and that I am not always just used for what I have and what I can give. He might have made me feel like a person, not a supplier. Well, fuck, I did and I will and nobody could care about it now, after the fact at four in the morning when I feel my worse. This was a fucking favor. Yeah, I wanted to go, but fuck this was Ian's thing, all we got was to see a band for half an hour after a four hour drive down there. But whatever the fuck that isn't even my reason for feeling so alienated and alone and stupid and ugly and pissed off and used. But I cant talk about it cause that isn't the nice type of thing anyone wants to hear. I'm supposed to be happy all the time and not cut and not rant anything out. Who can I tell? No one. No one wants to hear that for once I thought I had friends who liked me and weren't obsessed about my other friends. Though I'm not really that important to her either anymore. I'm just lost from everything. And nothing has made it better. I want to bleed out this crap. But no, I have to stop that for mom and dad. After I move out then they could give half a shit on a tin roof less about what I do to myself. As long as they aren't to blame for it and they don't have to pay anything for it. I'm on a fast little rotation right now. Up down up down updownupdownupdowndowndown.

free-fall' isn't the right word, but it is the first to come to mind

I let myself do this, I swear. I want to have this crap on me. Then, after having it all been myself, I want to throw it at someone else. Fuck them, they can have it, I made, but they deserve it. I'm such a fucker. Someone should kill me. At least I know I deserve the fuck ass friends I have. I'll get used to it, of course.

see also: middle school; youth group; life in general.

Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. I get left with the mess and the work after all the others had their fill. I will be working tomorrow so that everyone else, no, just mostly Ian, could have a day of fun. And run off. So I can be alone again. I guess. Wonderful. Just wonderful. And not so long ago I wondered why I had such good friends. Funny, I don't know where they went. Now, all I can do is type and know I could get a razor in two minutes and be an inch from euphoria in four minutes past that. And why am I not? Because... I don't know really. I don't want to go to the hospital. Sure I can hide it for a while, a long time in fact. I doubt mom cares enough to check me again for a month at least, but she might notice I flinch with every step. Pain so good it stays. I can only imagine being talked badly about right now. Stupid, fat, clingy, freak, loser, loner, outcast, lesbian, hermit, who cares, why bother, forget her, only good for her stuff, only good for her hot friends, ugly girls always have hot friends. Wince. I can only just hear it, the laughter, the mocking. But nobody can hear me. Nobody could guess. Nobody would.

Maybe later I will talk about the short-lived fun I had.

Quiz me more

[mood]reflective
[music]Playgirl(Commodore Rock EP) by Ladytron

<3: name = Christina
<3: nicknames = Krista, Crista, Lanyard God
<3: piercing = none
<3: birthday = July 21 1987
<3: tattoos = i wish
<3: height = 5'8"
<3: hair color = dark brown and red
<3: siblings = 0ne younger sister, one older brother

LAST...
<3: person you've called = Ian
<3: person that's called you = Ian and Bryan
<3: person you hugged = Bryan
<3: person you said i love you to = Philip
<3: thing you ate = carn chips
<3: person you loved = no comment
<3: person you took a picture with = Ashley
<3: thought = my hands are still vibrating...
<3: person you IMed = Ian
<3: person you had a serious talk with = Bryan
<3: person who broke ur heart = David
<3: TV show you've watched = Gilmore Girls
<3: person you were thinking of = Heather

DO...
<3: you have a bf or gf = not to my knowledge
<3: you have a crush on someone= i alwasy do
<3: you wish u could live somewhere else = yeah, Japan, Australia, Germany, France... the list goes on
<3: you think about suicide = failry often
<3: you believe in online dating = i hope not
<3: others find you attractive = not many
<3: you want more piercings = maybe never
<3: you drink = mountain dew
<3: you do drugs = sure, the doctor gives them to me all the time
<3: you smoke = the competition
<3: you like cleaning = sometimes
<3: you like roller coasters = damn straight


FOR OR AGAINST...
<3: long distance relationships = It happens
<3: using someone = if they are nice, im all for it
<3: suicide = for, but not all the time
<3: killing people = duh, but only certain people should kill and others killed
<3: teenage smoking = personal choice
<3: premarital sex = i hope for it someday
<3: driving drunk = all against. that doesnt hurt just you, it hurts too many others.
<3: gay/lesbian relationship = only if both guys are hot.


FAVORITE...
<3: soap operas = dont watch any
<3: food = cereal
<3: thing to do = read/sleep... they combine sometimes
<3: sports = soccer
<3: drinks = Mountain Dew and flavored water
<3: clothes = jackets
<3: holiday = my birthday
<3: word = bizzatch
<3: nickname = Sweetie.. i love being called nice names like that
<3: guy name = Emmanuel
<3: girl name = Taylor
<3: eye color = mine
<3: piercing = eyebrow piercings
<3: actor/actress = Carrie-Ann Moss, Hugo Weaving, Brad Pitt

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
<3: pretty = no
<3: funny = no
<3: hot = not in the least
<3: friendly = barely if ever
<3: amusing = not to anybody but sadistic monkeys
<3: ugly = quite
<3: loveable = not usually.... or ever
<3: pessimistic = not really. just realistic
<3: optimistic = sometimes
<3: caring = not often
<3: sweet = never
<3: dorky = kinda not really
<3: Spell your first name backwards = atsirk or anitsirhc
<3: The story behind your user name = emoturm is a word frankie made up that i related to very well.
<3: Are you straight? = as far as i know

WHO OR WHAT (WAS/IS/ARE) -
<3: In my mouth = saliva
<3: In my head = nueral snappings
<3: Wishing = i was more of a person
<3: After this = leaving in the RV for the concert
<3: Talking to = Ian
<3: Eating = the last mountain dew i shamefully hid from Bryan and Ian last night while they were over.
<3: If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason = Kelly. i hate her
<3: Person you wish you could see right now = my grandpa, he had the best advice for anything, and i could use it now
<3: Is next to you = my frog stuffed animal and my geckos looking at me for food
<3: Something you're lookig forward to in this up coming month = spring break and off of grounding
<3: Something that you are deathly afraid of = that my friends arent really
<3: Do you like candles = damn skippy
<3: Do you like hot wax = yeah
<3: Do you believe in love = not usually
<3: Do you believe in soul mates = not as far as i know
<3: Do you believe in love at first sight = it oculd happen
<3: Do you believe in forgiveness = i try not to
<3: Do you believe in God = sorta, im agnostic
<3: Who is your worst enemy? = Kimberly, my imaginary friend who wont go away
<3: If you could have any animal for a pet = snake, gila monster, Komodo Dragon
<3: What is the latest you've ever stayed up = three days
<3: Ever been to Belgium = not yet
<3: Can you eat with chopsticks = yup
<3: What are some of your favorite pig out foods = cookies
<3: What's something that you wish people would understand = i am the same and wont change for a long time
<3: What's something you wish you could understand better = quantum physics
<3: Something you want to happening tomorrow = get home and hang out for a while with some friends

cut it short,

[mood]apathetic
[music]Ladybird by Ladytron

I think... I think I ... I think I have something bigger than I know going on behind my eyelids every time I blink. I think that something more important that I know is still happening inside me but I cant see it yet. That and I am pretty mad right now. No reason, not in particular that I could point out for you to see and analyze, but just something is not very pretty inside me right now. I guess AIM playing along well. It is a lot easier to play off as happy and well-adjusted when I am not around the people who know me best. Well, person who knows me best. I'm afraid that I am losing my best friend. I feel like I'm not important to her anymore and that 'I love you' has lost some meaning. If so, it would be of mutual blame. Or so I would like to think. I have a concert on Saturday yet I am still not feeling excited. This should be a big deal. I should be planning something. But so I find, planning out what I want only makes more opportunity for me to be disappointed. It took me two tries to get my hip thing to pop back in after I twisted my leg around today. That and I feel in mud twice while wearing a skirt and sandals. Fucking California weather. I almost threw up in class while we were watching the beginning scenes of Saving Private Ryan in U.S. History. I couldn't stop thinking that these were real people, this actually happened, this isn't pretend like every other movie you watch, this shit which is worse than any of the other shit you watch, this shit is the one that is real. And I felt like puking right there. I felt like puking and beating the crap out of every person in class who laughed at any point of the clip we saw. I wanted to make sure they knew it was no joke, it was not funny at all, it was never meant to be or will be funny. I wanted to scream in the faces of all of them who sit at home and never even have to know the pain of one bullet shot but will laugh as someone gets shot over and over. Their excuse? That they are jaded by media and video games. Fuck them. I play more video games that any of them, and I was sickened by this. And I have seen it before. And I never want to see it again. I don't enjoy that type of thing. I doubt I ever will. I wanted to be held and someone to tell me it was alright and stroke my hair and make sure I was okay. Not just the nonchalant glances and stares I had as I dry heaved a couple times in my chair. I guess people think I am immune to any sort of pain. I cant feel it when I get hurt, I pretend to be emotionally strong as well. So I guess I must be invincible. And I'm not. I just want someone to figure that out. I want someone to let me know that I will be fine. I don't want to be coddled about what I can change. That is something entirely different. When people see my scars they go into the mode of "oh, I'm so sorry, you poor girl, I never knew, I wish I could help you, I'm so very sorry" and only one person has ever said to me "That is not cool, that is not good for you, I don't want you to do that and if you do I don't want to see it". That made me feel better. I guess it is because I am looking for something different. That is all I really want, something away from my life. Something to take me away from the mundane redundant droll that is everything I live. I want exciting, I want thought, I want care when I need it, indifference when I deserve it. I want what I deserve. I want people to stop letting me get what I want when I don't deserve it. That and I want to remove this jade I have on life. It is goddamn annoying. Nothing is new to me, nothing is great. Fuck, I've lived life times over again. Take away everything I have. Take away my house. Take away my clothes. Take away my school. I don't know what I would be without everything. What would I have? Books in my head? Vague story ideas? How does that help me survive, in the Hunter-Gather sense of the word? It doesn't. I have nothing without everything. I am pathetic. And self-loathing. And hateful. And stupid. And mean. And undeserving. And friendless as far as I can see.

Forgive for I have sinned

[mood]grateful and sustained
[music]Maria by Green Day and Friend is a Four Letter Word by Cake

Well, I am so grounded. For bad bad grades I lost the internet. For cutting school back while mom and dad were out of the country, I am not allowed out of the house. I am going stir crazy. At least friends are allowed to come over here, which is the only plus I can see for miles around. I get to go get my hair dyed again today. I don't what I'm going to get done yet but I am definitely going to get my hair dyed a base color like my own natural shade of brown. Because most of my friends have never seen me with dark brown hair. Losers, hah. Okay, so I read this comic called Burning Hope on the Matrix site. It is really good. I also downloaded the 160 page preview of the comic book about The Matrix. I want to buy the actual book. Which I will, since mom owes me a bunch of money anyway. Bwuahah, that is pretty cool. So I have the best friends ever. Why, or more like how, did such a mean, bitchy, violent person like me get such good friends? It makes no sense. But I'm lucky, so I will not doubt my amazing friends. And now I know Bryan does not read this blog so I am a little more comfortable. I don't think any of those three guys do read this. I guess Elis knows it is here but he doesn't read the blogs, just the quote bar. I really need to clean my keyboard. I am typing from bed. And I am naked. Which is normal. Those of you who know me or talk to me online know that I am rarely clothed. Ha, funny shiz. You know, I was never really aware of how comfortable I am with me, my body and my sexuality until I met people who aren't and who get weird around people who are. Makes me feel lucky to not have to work around what I want to say to avoid certain words, topics and the such. I just don't want anyone to see me without clothes. Hell, even Ashley has seen only one of my boobs and that was an accident and will never happen again as long as I am sober and fully conscious. And I plan on being sober for at least another couple years. That will be one of the situations, when I finally do get drunk i mean, where you want to warn the fish. Man, no is going to get that but you Ashley. Haha, and that is the way I like it. Well, I missed the hockey play-off last night, but we won so that is all good. I could really care less but just barely. Except that it makes Ian happy and that is a good thing. If I could ever have a super power, it would be dimming. You know, become not invisible but unnoticable. I could fit in and walk around just like any normal person and be forgotten because I would be so unremarkable. Man, if only I could have a super power. Ha, if I had powers I would so use them for evil and personal gain. Most the time at least, I might help someone else every once in a while, but only if they are good, I like them and I am not too busy. It is not my fault they don't have powers too. Ha, wow, I am so mean. Damn Skippy. I am hungry. The last thing I had to east was two slices of pizza yesterday in the early evening. And that was all I had that day besides Mountain Dew. I have two bruises on my right breast and I don't know why or from where. I also have a bruise on my right arm and my right thigh. I really need to be more careful. Eh, bruises are temporary, just like any other sign of pain, it will fade with enough time. Or so I hope and all. I am making collages/wallpapers now. I'm going crazy with Photoshop. I think I'm getting better too. Basically, when I didn't have internet for a few days I had to do something else to keep from tearing myself apart. Mostly when I was angry. Which happens more than you would think. I can see myself in the mirror on my door while I am on my bed. That is kinda cool. I should probably get dressed now. I have another hour till I'm supposed to be at my hair thing which is all the way downtown. I swear, if I never had to go do anything, I would blog forever. I never run out of things to say, which is a trend I follow at school too. I talked with Bryan on the phone the other day for three hours. Mind you, it was mostly him talking. I love hearing him talk because, even on the phone, I can just see him making all those gesticulations. I even told him what he was doing with his left hand while he said "I don't know" and it was like a mini-epiphany. It isn't just that I love to hear him talk, I really enjoy talking with him. As you can see, I am a bit long-winded, and I love to talk, I never stop, which gets some teachers mad sometimes. But, when I am talking with Bryan, I don't feel like I need to keep filling in all the air with my words. I can sit and not say a goddamned thing. And it is never an uncomfortable silence, at least I don't think so. It doesn't hurt that he says what nobody else will say to me and he never acts like he is sorry for me about certain things that people tend to coddle me about. I am so freaking lucky to have friends like the ones I have. So many different people who all are so amazing in so many ways. Why do they like me? I will never know. Okay, I really do need to go get some clothes on now. Ha, I'm still naked, of course.

Sometimes I worry that I am one of those people I always make fun of. You know, they just wont figure out that they aren't wanted. I don't want to leave high school and be remembered that way, as people joke and talk about how glad they are that I am gone. I asked Philip if he would tell me if I was annoying, he said I wasn't and he would tell me if I was. I felt a little better but not much. I just went through my old voice messages that I never listened to. Ha, one is from some girl named Whitney and she is calling my number cause she thinks it is some guy who she met at church or something. Her message was so pathetic. I felt kinda bad. But she really has to stop calling my phone. Okay, back to me. I am in a shit hole. No joke. I feel like crap. When I was at the mall/movies with some friends Bryan notices my eyes are grey now. Which is a bad sign. My eyes change color on mood, temperature, weather in general, and what I'm wearing. Usually, and in this case, grey is down, sad, depressed and such and such crap. That and I am not sleeping so much at night again. I crashed out today after school, we had a short day and all. I wanted to go out with Ian, Bryan and Philip but my dad told me to stay home. I just didn't feel like arguing, so I did. Ian and Philip came by later and I was asleep but they woke me up. I think I'm going to wear a mini-skirt tomorrow, just for the hell of it, with my blue work shirt. I feel so typical teenager right now, which is kinda nice. Pj pants, a black tank top (ripped under one arm, but I fixed that this morning in a jiffy with duct tape), hair all up in a sloppy clip. So normal... You know, if you don't notice the assorted markings on my arms. I'm putting a bunch of crap on the new and old ones and to my great surprise it is working like woah. The new ones are healing really fast and the old scars have gotten lighter in a week than a month before I started rubbing this stuff in. Anyway, the weird sleeping habits are part of my emotional dives. As are the interesting eye colors, pale with rosy cheek complexion and self-reflection. Not to mention, sensitivity. Do I ever love Bryan. He is a better friend to me sometimes than I think I deserve. Though I don't think he knows it. And he does make up for it some times with raging asshole-dom. I miss Ashley. I haven't seen her, like really seen her, in a while. I know I am closer with her than ever, but at the same time it feels like we are drifting. And like I put more into it than vice-versa. But then, everyone thinks they get the short end of every stick. Pretentious bastards. Pretentious bastards like myself. Though not a real bastard, Mum and Dad were really married by the time I rolled along. haha, so weird to think of out parents as young and thoughtless and carefree. Like ourselves. I am finally getting my plans for the future together. I am getting my license and I am going to make an appointment with Mrs. Mestaz to talk about setting myself up outside of high school and into college. Stranger things have happened. Some colleges, so she said last time I saw her, look for people who don't fit in with the whole HS experience. And that would be me. I just hope I am good enough for them, you know? I'm a little embarrassed of the whole thing, which is why it is a but easier to write it here than to tell someone individually. Ah, blogging, the wimps form of self-expression. I think my eyeballs are burning. Ha, wouldn't that be a hoot. I am reading another webcomic, I will update my links accordingly later, for now, here is a post link to Questionable Content, a really interesting, though currently short, webcomic that updates twice a week and is about some pretty cool people who you would think would be drawn as stereotypes but show just a little more dimension than that. They finally cut me off of my locker. I had to break into the construction zone to get near it. Luckily the Mexican guy who was working in there let me stay in there without a hardhat and look for my binders in the boxes of stuff left in the lockers. What a darling. My hair is tickling my back. I have an appointment with Dr. Wu tomorrow. Again. I think I want to stop therapy. For reals. Try and live like a normal person again. That and therapy seems to be doing shit to help me anyway, so why bother with it, just waste of time and insurance money. Frankie showed me a great site for buying books, Powells, where you can buy used, rare, out of print and new books. A really net site for bibliophiles like myself. I am getting a B+ in sociology. That is practically my highest grade yet Mr. Cava will still tell me I could do better and it is like shit, when will I ever even be good enough for myself to you fucking people? That or I am taking it a little too seriously. I really need to get going on my bug project. I have two months but I really need to make sure I have it done. That and it is also a hugely fun and important project. Ian's dad says the darndest things to me. Last time he came to pick up Ian from Justin's house, I was walking with him, since I live on the other side of the block from Justin. So Ian's dad follows me in the car as I walk home for about half a block. So I jump in the car for a net save of energy. Ian's dad asks me if I like boys. Not so bad... Yet. I say yes. He says I have to watch out for them boys. I say, yes sir, I do. He tells me to not to call him sir unless I want a tip. I say, yes sir. he laughs and tells me to watch out for boys again. I say yes. He says watch out for them pokey things. I laugh but am afraid to laugh as hard as I wanted to at that. Ian's dad is a hoot but I have no idea if he is just messing with me or if he is really serious. It is hard to tell around the accent. I wish I has an accent. Anyway, today he (Ian's dad) comes to pick up Ian and Philip from my house. I am wearing my socks since I was just woken up. He asks me where my shoes are. And I say, I'm not wearing them. He says nice girls wear shoes outside. I say that I am a nice girl. And he asks me where my shoes are. I ask if slippers are okay. he says slippers are for the bedroom and bathroom. I ask, what about the hallway? he says barefoot is okay for the hallway. And I ask if I'm supposed to wear my slippers in my room, then take them off while I walk to the bathroom and put them back on once I get in there. I cant remember what happened next. Oh yeah, their two little dogs came to the car window and I came up to say hi to the little guys. Then I waved bye and went back into the house and back to sleep. I woke up about ten thirty and talked to some people online until they all went to sleep, the quitters. Now I am still awake, tired but I cant sleep. Hence the incoherent and nonsequential blogging. Though, isn't that the best kind?


that sounded like a good enough line to end on for me.

Ha, what a fun day. I thought I was going to have to spend the last day of my weekend with my parents watching The Passion of Christ. Not that I don't want to see the movie, but not today, not now blah blah blah. Okay, so what did I do that was so great? I was rudely awoken by my sister with the phone for me. It was Ian. "hello?"
"hi. Krista?"
"yeah. Hi."
"are you home?" (mind you, this is my home phone number)
"No, never."
"oh, okay, alright..."
"okay, bye."
"later."
Two minutes later, I go to my front door in a sweatshirt, insanely huge yellow penguin boxers and fluffy green slippers and not only is it Ian, but somehow Bryan was at my house for the first time. Ha, what a hoot. I just looked at me and he had the funniest face, I think the slippers threw them both off. Well yeah, Ian is at the door, Bryan is behind him with the Asphalt Surfer in one hand and a Mountain Dew in the other and I am in the door in my boxers and slippers. What to do, what to do. Ha, so I invite them in and refill their Mountain Dews. We sit in my room and Bryan saw all my shit for the first time. I got dressed in the bathroom, cause I don't want to get naked in my room with boys. Ew, cooties. Ha, anyway. So I got dressed and mom made me get changed again because my pants were 'dirty'. So I changed my pants, Ian and Bryan mingeled with my brother, Duy and my mother. I was ready and we left the house but my dad caught me and my friends before we made it out of the drive-way. He talked with Ian about drums for a while then Frankie came out and we ran for it. We then walked to Phillips house, cause hey, Phillip is pretty cool, if not scary. We wanted to go to his house and just walk in and sit down without saying anything. But Phillip was in the front window looking down on us and flipping us all off. How did he know we would be coming? No one will ever know but goddamn it was creepy. He had to go into his parents room to look down on us through that window. Do you see? Crazy, he must have gotten a 'flip off people in front of my house from my parents bedrooms window' vibe. We all know about those. So we go in, without knocking and almost made it had I not shut the door the whole way, which made Phillips mom send me downstairs to close it before their dog got out. HUGE dog they had. So cute, one of the Alaskan husky type dogs with blue eyes and all the fur. So we left Phillips house and went to Popeye's, you know, the one by Save-Mart and Jack-in-the-Box. Ian and Bryan split an order of fries. We went to Jack-in-the-box so Ian could get a burger so I ran outside to the playground thing. Bryan thought I would "play in the balls" but, sadly, the big pit of balls was roped off. I played up in the tubes and with the kicking bags a while. Phillip came back with a Mountain Dew can so Bryan went off to get one of the same. I came down from the playset and put my shoes on just as Bryan got back and Ian started telling us about the woman who took forever to pick out what she wanted to eat then realized she none of the convenient means of paying available. Stupid woman. Ha, so Ian got his burger and they all finished off the fries. Then we all played in the jungle gym thing. Which was fun. I tried to get Bryan to play in the ball pit with me but after (GENTLY!) guiding him to the entrance, he wouldn't come in. Arr, next time. Ha. A little girl wanted to play in the playset so we got out. Then she ran back inside (with help from Bryan; the little one couldn't open the door herself). Our fun there was dead, so off we walked for Roberts house. Sadly, Bryan didn't want to go on with us. He wanted to go home. He felt kinda sickly. Poor kid. We walked to the bus stop, begged him to come with us but he wouldn't. I was at loss. Almost wanted to go home then, but we were off walking and I didn't feel like walking back and around to get home. So, after a long freaking walk to Roberts, we got there an our fears that he may not even be home were absolved. We played MarioKart and Mario Party on the GameCube the SSX3 on the PS2. Robert had a picture of me on his wall in his room. We played on this Star Wars game he had on his computer then my mom called and told me to wait outside. So Ian, Phillip and I said good bye to Robert and put on our shoes and stood outside the cul-de-sac or whatever it is called. Nice places. Anyway, my parents off them a ride, they turn it down cause they don't know what they are going to be up to next. Well, end up just going to Phillips house and Ian gets a ride from Phillips dad. Oh well, ha. So get home, do some chores, forget to clean my room and write in my blog. Oh, and I may get to go to a concert for this band Ian introduced me to, Elseworth. They rock. Serious. Anyway, time for bed. Night.

Okay, I completely did not follow through on finishing that post I started this morning. I changed the time a little bit on this post so it would go with my ranting for Thursday. I want to do something this weekend. Call me up, let us do something. Morgana, that means you. Or you Farin, cause now I know you read me too. Wuahaha. Ashley, let us make a sexually hostile environment at your house. Can you have friends over? Egh. Okay. Me, again, of course. Marisa wants to hook me up. With a hockey kid. If he is who I think he is, he is pretty... Bad. And Marisa admitted he has a smoking problem. I don't want to deal with that for a guy. A friend? Any day, but some guy? Way too much of a bother. Frankie (my brother) is my god. I love him. I want to be more like him. He is so freaking cool and awesome. He bought me a huge pack of batteries. Cause I always run out on all my shiz. MD player, keyboard, mouse, gameboy, just random stuff. So, yeah, that and he is super cool anyway. I want to get some more makeup I wont use but in pretty colors I like. Such as those sweet grays and gray/rose colors. And shimmer-y body shit I never use for fear of looking like a disco ball. I want to try that 'crunching' thing I did to my hair a while back. Okay, that Amanda did to me a while back. We were bored and I was a clean slate for that type of thing. And I wanted to see how it felt to be all made up and unable to move parts of my face due to weight of cosmetic products. It was a lot more fun than I had anticipated. Especially when mother saw it and just stared. Once she noticed that is. She didn't even look at me when I came in the door she just said "hi, did you do your homework?" and I said "yes, while my hair was drying" and I gave her three other, similar hints to look at me. Just didn't happen. Oh well, what do you expect. I have my bug box for Bio and I ordered my bug net. Ha, I get the brand spankin' new one. Fifteen freaking dollars. My good lord. But my own bug net. I can catch people. Or love! Ha, the world is mine. I just took my bra off through my sleeve and despite what movies from '83 might lead you to believe, it was not sexy. My contacts are slipping. Annie is stupid. Okay, that was just cause I needed to say it. My little sister Annie is a freaking retard. Oh well, at least I have a life. Her 'friends' pushed her off her own bed and chair. Ha, I would never let that shit fly. Ha, oh well. I want to go out... gahh. Oh well. I need a life.

Okay, new day. I can do this. I can get by on little to no sleep and a complete lack of love from the opposite of sex. Despite two nosebleeds I am still alive. This song is not helping me stay awake. Nor is the incessant barking of that little rat-dog helping either. I have to go to school today. I should be ready in four minutes but I am actually naked in my room at my computer chair telling the blogging community that I am naked in my chair blogging at four-to-seven-thirty-in-the-morning. What has been going on lately? Not much. The interesting people I have met have turned into, more or less, just weird. But in that almost-good way. Ha, that makes no sense. Egh, deal with it. I have the urge to just back into bed right now and refuse to leave for school on basis of my mental state. Okay, moving song onto Devil's Haircut. Which is a bit more of an 'awake' song. My shoulders are cold. I don't want to wear clothes. My geckos need food. I want some cold cereal right now. My ankle is substantially colder than the rest of me right now. Okay, boys. Had to touch that subject. I have a few that I would die to be associated with in that way. They are these super-nice, smart, funny guys, all three of them. I am friends with all three. I have helped one to heal from past romantic stuff in his life and he kinda describes me when he talks about what he wants his girlfriend to be like. One is so funny I practically urinate whenever he talks. This guy was cheated on but we barely talked about it. We kinda flirt, almost, but it is mostly me and I was actually cold. The third... I just met this year. I don't know what about him. He is friends with the other two. He is also pretty funny but not in the way of the second guy I mentioned. This guy also has a nice house with a freaking view to kill. That has nothing to do with him though, and I (sorta) thought he was really cool before I went to his house. In fact, I don't even know if I like him. But I think I do. Okay, finish this later. School. I will be late now if I don't hurry.

I LOVE ASHLEY KATHLEEN KIMURA! She is wonderful for any of you who have the misconception that she is anything but. I have one problem, and I am figuring that one out on my own. But yeah, I realize I don't say enough nice things about her. I guess I figure she hears nice things but I should say them because I think them too. She is amazing. She is so talented and has so much.... Destiny. She talks to me about anything. Hell... I spent so much time around her, we now have the same menstrual cycle, how cool is that? When she was gone, I missed her. When I am not around her, I wonder where she is. I love her. If I was a guy I would want to marry her when we got older just so I could live with her and get a tax break. We could adopt multi-cultural children. I love you. I love how you accepted me into you and your family. I feel like I belong when I am around you. Like I am wanted. Maybe, just maybe, like I am needed. When I am happy with you I cant write, I cant draw, I cant rhyme, I cant flow, I cant do any of that artistic crap that I can do when I am angry at the world. I am happy with you. you kept me from forever idolizing Fujii, thank you. you would open your door to me if (when) I ran away from home. Or I would open the door myself, that is just how comfortable I am with you. you are the only person to have seen my breast, even if it was only one of them, on accident. Your family rocks. I love you sister like my own sister (well, not like I love my actual sister, cause we all know about that). Your lesbian attacks on my viginity make me scared, in that I-love-you-but-back-off-my-vagina-but-not-really-cause-I-secretly-want-you way. ndljshfiouqbkjav, I love you. I don't have close friends. I am not very good with long-term friends. I tend to screw things up and leave it that way. I cant really do that with you. I feel like I am attached to you at the temple. We think alike. It is a little scary sometimes. Ian though your profile was my *other* profile, cause they were just that similar. Which is creepy to most people, but it makes me happy.


You see why I don't blog so much about happy stuff? I sound like a homosexual, lunatic, incoherent freak.

Exit in rear

Hate hate hate hate. I feel like shit and am full of self hate right now. fuck you all. I don't need your shit. I don't need the stress you put on me. I don't need to be feeling so inferior to you. I want to be loved. goddamnit. Not even my mom loves me. fuck it all. I need to clean my room. I need to set up that protest in front of KFC. I need to get my shit together, but, I don't fucking feel like it. I want to sit down and have a nice chat. I am so fucking pathetic. It is sick, disgusting, repulsive. I hate myself so much right now. I hate people who assume stupid fucked up shit about me. Most, if not all, of the time, you are wrong. Oh yeah, I hate you, I hate what you stand for and I want to leave you all behind.

I miss. I miss Ashley, I miss being held and I miss being important. I love it when people talk to me. Online, on the phone, fun up to me on the street, anything. I am a foot note to everyone. The inside of my lip is burning because I forgot that I chewed it up and I drank orange juice. Burns like a mother fucker. Goddamn it. I hate everything right now. I am nothing I want to be. I guess the whole guy thing is a pathetic side effect of this insufficiency I feel. Like I am empty and useless. If you read this, please, make me important.

I think I am in like/love. Yeah. I do. he is nice. And funny. And cute. And he talks to me a lot. he makes me feel wanted, not even in a sexual way, just like I am fun and a good person to have around. Like I am worth spending time with. Like maybe, I could be someone who is worth it. I want to spend more time with him. There are actually two guys who fit this right now. I realized cause I was going to start talking about the other. I need more of these guys in my life. Less of people who make me want to run away, crawl into a corner and die. Crappy poetry anyone?

my leg itches, my nose is sore and my lip is still burning.
I am just all sorts of fucked up today

I wanted to go to a supposed party today. Apparently it was cancelled because he forgot to invite anyone but me. I tell myself that it is true and I am not just another hanger on again. Shoot me, now. I hope not I really hope not. Maybe though. And if I am not bad enough already, they will read this now and know how pathetic and stupid and dependent I am.

I am not Ashley.

I have a firework. I have the morbid desire to light it and hold it in my hand. I have an equally morbid desire to cut it up and see what else I can make out of it.

you know, this, all the doubt and confusion and hate and self-loathing, probably comes from David. I imagine it was dug up in my again since he came to the school looking as happy as ever. And Ashley left me to hang out with him. Second choice all over again. Too bad I would still give up anything to make sure she was happy. I would give up anyone. But then, she is worth it, I am not.

I am going to get into shit for this post

but then I have to get it out anyway. Please, read the disclaimer. I don't need people to get on me about this. Get mad at me, scream at me, make me want to rip at my face till I get at what really makes me mad.

I miss the penis... But is that so wrong?

Dearest guys who have rejected me over the years,

why? Why am I so repulsive? I have tried. It isn't like I had low self-esteem before you. I thought I was pretty. I thought I was funny. I thought (inside joke coming) I was the fastest. I mean, now I know I'm not, but I thought I was awesome. So low self-esteem is not an excuse for why I am so disgusting to you. It has been a cycle since I started to like guys and it goes on and on. I get rejected by every guy. Morgan doesn't count in this because... he was different. People will tell me I am nice and funny and pretty but why does it feel like they are lying and all the guys who flinch or laugh when they find out I think they are really nice/cute/cool/hot/sweet. I want to be liked. Goddamn it, by someone who isn't a freshman or mentally retarded. Yes, that happened once. No nice guy thinks I am nice. Only the creeps, pot-heads and internet-stalkers like me. I want someone who wants me for who I am. Or at least has the capacity for it. AM I ROMANTICALLY CURSED???? You think someone would tell me if I was, you know? What is it about Ashley? What is it about her that makes her so magnetically attractive? I am not going to become her even if that meant I would be as apparently hot as she is. I just wish I knew. So I could understand. That is really all I want to know. I know that I am not going to be happy if I have a boyfriend, or even a nice guy who thinks highly of me. I figure I will live alone with my cats when I get older but it would be so much a comfort if I knew why I was the one cursed to live with felines all my life while all the other girls are out having fun and laughing as I die of an asthmatic attack. Goddamned cats. All I want is to be held and cared for. Is it really all that much to ask? And no, I am not going to settle for someone who is just going to hold me back from life. And who cant kiss anyway. Is that really all you think I will ever get? Because, if that is true, I would like to die right now. I have the razors, I will do it, just to get on with it, be judged, go to hell and wait it out. Why me? For all of this, why am I the one to be put down and held. Not that I am never happy, sure, I am. That isn't a good excuse either. What is it that makes me so unattractive? You know, I have never been approached at a mall, theater, anything, by a guy or girl. Is it just me, or is that beyond sad?

sincerely,
that fat girl you wouldn't ever think of in "that way"

mood- pathetic

Man, like stated above, I feel pathetic. Like nothing in my life is worth it. I am feeling less and less comfortable in my own skin. Like I don't know what to do with any part of my body. Or what to say or anything. I am just getting so freaking weird in my head. It is kinda scary to me because I like to know what I am doing. But I don't so yeah. I kinda just want to have someone here right now to tell me something good about me. And now that mom and dad are back home from their Mexico vacation, I know I am only going to hear some fucked up shit about me. It fucking sucks. I want to say some thing about this guy who seems so nice and funny but I have no idea how long I am going to feel like I do if nothing happens again. So that will be over in a few days. I felt like crap today. I even showed someone I barely know my arms. And I don't do that. But I made sure that he knew that if he told anyone, I would rip off his ear. And keep his hat. Ha, I told mom that I was watching Rules of Attraction with Ian and all she said to me was "You are going to give me a stomach ache." I really hate having a sick mom. I know how cold hearted that sounds but I do. It puts so much stress on me but I cant say anything cause, if I do, I am being stupid and selfish. So I keep it all in and nobody can figure out why I hate myself so much sometimes. I want some one who isn't going to ask about my mom before they ask about me. Some times, I want to be first. It doesn't have to be all the time, or even most of the time. Rarely would be perfect. But never, never am I thought of first. Not even in my own head. I have to put everything in front of my own needs goddamn it and I don't want to. I am so fucking sad and upset and fucked up right now. I want to figure out how to asphalt surf. I want to be loved. I want to get some action. I want someone to look me in the eye for longer than in passing. I want to party and stay out late and laugh because I can't not laugh. I don't want to be faking it. I want to feel part of the group. I want to be considered. I want to matter. But I cant have any of it. So I will get mom her water and pills, I will clean the kitchen and make something for Dad to eat, I will wash and iron Frankie's clothes so he might pay me attention instead of money. I will do everything I can for everyone else and wish I was in the dark, holding hands and being understood. Then laughing without having to push the sound out from my throat.

ha, guess what

okay "bio class" is fun. i am kinda tired right now and i want to sleep. I miss people. I want to be loved by a goddamned boy. Oh, and i missed out on proving i was straight today. Poor Bryan, he is fighting a losing battle here. woah, sperm skeleton. Man, i am going to get off the bio class computer cause i am supposed to be watching a movie on cavemen right now.

Ugh, so my old template is back mostly because I can not deal with those archives. The blogger support told me that the only way I could feasibly do it would be to put links on every single one of my posts. Ohm, excuse me, but fuck no. Okay, I bought crayons today. That was my big highlight. No, really. I got this really cool box, the old school ones with the flip open top, not those thin cardboard ones they sell mostly now. I got a lot of colored stuff today. Crayons, colored pencils and a seventeen variety pack of sharpies. I love it. I am trying to draw a penis for Ashley. It is harder than you would think. I am going to go to bed now. I just didn't want to leave my blog with no actual post of, you know, words. I have been a but lazy on that lately. Oh yeah, Saturday, I went paintballing for the first time. I went with the paintball club and I wore my cameo and all. I still got hit. Though Pieter was nice and he didn't light me up when he had the chance, the crazy boy. Ha, my feminine charms at work. I did get hit, right in the mouth, with a paintball pretty early in the day though. And Andrew lit me up while I was trying to un-jam Fuji's gun behind a barricade. Crazy boy with his ridiculously good aim. Then, as I was walking off the field to clean my gun, Pieter shoots at me. He doesn't hit my, but the gun and I tell him that for christ's sake, I am out already. Ha, it was a blast. And there were quite a few hot guys walking around without shirts. Ahh... Beautiful.

mildly amusing for the cerebreally inadaquate

EmoTurm: *frolic*
SHQIPERI: *shank*
EmoTurm: *bleed*
EmoTurm: aghhhh!!!

Woah? New, all new, what's going on?[mood]proud[music]Chemical Burn by Dust Brothers

Woah? New, all new, what's going on?[mood]proud
[music]Chemical Burn by Dust Brothers
Hey, check it out. I did a whole bunch of new stuff and really re-did everything. Craziness. And the archives, on the new archive page I had to code myself, are done by day now because I cant get this template, that I downloaded, to align the posts yet. That and I kinda like it this way, you know?

so yeah, my life. Well, today I went to first period history, late again, but I did all the homework for his class tonight and the bit of extra credit that was available to catch up for the assignment I lost. Second period Spanish was hell, yet again. I got to class late because I went to get my binder so I wouldn't get detention the Sra. Sandoval tells me that if I am late again I will get detention. Well fuck me over twice and roll me in hay. What a bitch. I think I have to start studying for Spanish again because this is the part of the year that I stopped learning. Damn sports section of Spanish, I don't even know how many guys are on a sports team in English, damn it. Break was fun, I think. I don't really remember it. Just a haze of jokes and I think some of the floating members of out group were there, like Bryan and such. Bio was fun, as always. We watched about a half of an hour worth of this evolution video that was pretty boring but not really that bad. I had a good time, as always. I love that bio class. Then sociology was boring as all hell. We are watching the worlds more sleep-inducing film ever. EVER! But we are almost done with it and Cava cut the class off short so I had a few minutes to just chat with Jonathan. Lunch was okay. Ashley and Heather went to the Library for a while and I was left out with the guys cause I don't really like to be in the library unless everyone is in there. I stayed out and hugged Elis for warmth.. That and he smells really nice. And he laughs in his chest so I could hear it with my ear pressed against his sweatshirt and how he moves his thumb in little circles when his hand in on my shoulder... And I should stop mentioning these things... uhm, yeah. No, I don't have a thing for elis. I just happen to notice how attractive he could be to another girl who is better and nicer and prettier than I. Like all the other guys... There is someone better. Ooohhh.. There goes the self pity again. Ha, well, at least I caught it before I got all out of hand again. So yeah, I now need to go to bed. 11:19 is a bit late and I know I am going to have trouble waking up. And I will fall asleep in class. egh, falling asleep in class always gives me that funny taste in my mouth. Kinda like gelcapsules. Okay, so I think I am done for tonight. Good night all. See you soon.

Feel my fury

Okay, it is late on a school night and what am I doing? blogging of course, it is what I do. Well, I found Sita, Willy's girl. Man, she mentioned ash but not me, bizzatch. Ha. Anyway, what a weekend. I had mucho fun going to see The Last samurai with my second-cousin Lupe and my mom. And we went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant and I spoke Spanish to the guy then he started to speak extremely fast and fluent Spanish, I just nodded and asked for a burrito with no meat (veggie burrito was on the menu, he knew what I was talking about I guess) and a lot of cheese. He kinda go the point that I am not Mexican. Damn, I wish I had ethnicity. I just spent three hours watching anime and catching up on my favorite online mangas and I still am not Japanese, why oh why am I so plagued?My hair is in disarray right now because I was leaning on my hair in a very odd position to watch Cowboy Bebop. I am afraid that I will never again leave my bed once I find a way to get my monitor close enough to my bed. With all the wireless stuff, I may never have to leave my room beyond restroom runs. Speaking of which, I drank so much Mountain Dew today. I was out on a drive to the beach with my family, well, me, Mum, Dad and Annie (Frankie didn't wake up till about five at night or so, the lucky bastard). We ate at that Taco Bell by the coats in Pacifica and I wished I had my board with me, the surf was so nice, cold as all raging heck, but awesomely nice waves. Oh, and there were baby seagulls there, so adorable. And Saturday was so much fun. I went out with Heather, Romero and Rosana. First, we met up with Rosana at the Great Mall theaters and we were so afraid that Rosana had left because we were late, that the lord she walked up to us after a few minutes. We went to get out tickets and I paid in mostly change, which was actually a lot of fun. My buddy John from Drama class last semester was working there once we got in the door. We chatted a little, he is pretty quiet so mostly it was me talking and saying weird stuff, of course, then me and Rosana caught up with Heather and Romero in the actual screen-room-thing-a-ma-bobber. We saw Win a Date With Tad Hamilton and that movie was so funny and sweet, I loved it. It was mucho fun to watch with everyone. I so have a singed photo of the guy who plays Tad Hamilton. Man, he is hot, but the Pete guy in the movie is way hotter. So yeah, my weekend is now over and I don't know what to do. I know, theoretically, that the best thing to do now would be to go to sleep but as Bryan says, Damn Vulcan logic. And that is why I am here tapdancing on my keyboard. That and my shoulder blade on the right side hurts kinda and it is bugging me because I am not in my tilting chair of super-power-doom but just in a regular chair and I am leaning to one side to ease up on the shoulder. I look like half a hunchback. I want voice recognition on this computer so I can sit in bed and type by just saying what I want to. I know I would have very long posts if I could do that. And I would be able to say what I mean without stumbling over the words like I do when I type. That and I suck at typing which is funny considering how much typing I do in this damn blog. This is the one address I have done the most in and it isn't even my favorite. I still remember the first time I saw the blog post form. I had no idea what HTML and all that shizzy were. I have a few templates I want to try out for while. If they don't work, I will go back to this one, which has strangely kinda held on to my blog for a while now. I hate picture hosting and they hate me too, the bastards. I need to host all my images on the friends hook-up sites. Not very healthy, I am sure. Oh, and I am on some new med, no longer am I a slave to Zoloft, I am now a Lexipro junkie. This Lexipro stuff is nasty. I accidentally left the tab in my mouth and it started to dissolve, it was so bad tasting I almost threw up. Yeah, so I know better now, I am going to have water ready when I try and down the fucker. I know I have some work to do before classes tomorrow. Not much, I did enough of it this weekend that I am not stressing over that little bit. I can feel Valentines day getting closer now. And I know I will be alone and my friends will have guys who give them gifts and guys who wish they were with her. I will be the amusing"one-of-the-guys" girl who has no feelings and would never want to be treated like something to be taken care of. Or held. Or loved, damnit. Can you tell how bitter I am? I will sleep alone with only one of the dogs to keep the sheets warm in my absence. Almost makes me wish I had kept Timmy just to make me feel wanted. But, yeah, he was a little too into me and I know why. I hate to have used people but hell, it happens. Did anybody else notice the HORRENDOUS grammar on that little quiz below? The darkness one. Yeah, that grammar hurts me... Deep down inside.


P.S. ha, I think this is a bad sign but when I spellchecked that, it tried to turn "Lexipro" into "Lucifer."

Did I ever tell you

[mood]melancholy
[music]Beauty Never Fades by Junkie XL

I am tired and I feel kinda funky. It seems like all my perceived friendships aren't real and I don't know who loves me or not. I guess I'm just weird that way. That and I have a bunch of blue stuff in my hair and I am letting it sit there and it is making my hair all hard and weird feeling. I went to some new psychiatrist and I have the distinct felling that he could really care less about me. Which is probably true, now that I think of it. I am kinda sick of people who are paid to listen to me rant and talk. But now I have to go because there is some parenting issue that mom and dad have to put me in therapy. Bastards. Anyway, school was okay today. I had to change a tire today, which was amusing. It took a lot more arm work than I had expected. Jacking the car up and taking the lug nuts off were both bitches. But I got it done, I put on the spare and I felt proud of myself in all my greasy glory. My feet hurt too. I don't know why. I feel all sick and ache-y. But I have to go to school tomorrow and I need to make it through the whole day. I need to be in my sixth period English class to get our project done. I know the rest of my group is a bunch of slackers other than me and sorta that guy Mario. But Kevin and the other guys wont do shit, I know it. I am supposed to be the slacker but this time, damnit, I need to make sure the shit gets done. Cause it is my grade and all and I want to make sure I get a good grade this semester. I want to pull my shit together. You know, get stuff done and try to do something with my life. Yeah, yeah, we have all heard me say this before. I don't want to be a pathetic little loser, someone everyone can ignore, I'm not going to let everything overwhelm me anymore. I don't want to be that person ever again. argh, I still have some homework to do. Bio and history and Spanish. Yeah, procrastination. I don't want to go to school but I have to and that pisses me off. Ugh, bed now. I don't want to do that either... Except I do because... I am still tired.

God, my parents make me feel so bad even when they say they are trying to say something positive. Then they fight with each other and yell at me to ask why I am upset and when I sob harder they blame each other. God, I have to choke down bile to say goodnight so I can leave the room. I take all the blame so they can finish up the argument/conversation and I can go to my room to hate them and the world. I do everything I can to make them happy. I say no to my friends so I can come home for mom and help. Do I want to? fuck no, but I do. And I never mention it. Dad said that it wasn't like I have to give up anything to come home and do work for mom and when I said that I don't go out with my friends so I could come home and help if I can he started to mock me and do the whole "oh, poor Christina, just get the fuck over it" thing. So fuck it. If they don't know why they upset me, fine I wont tell them. I will take all the blame for the argument, no you didn't say anything wrong, I don't make sense, you said nothing wrong, you are alright, and I will leave the room and say I love you I love you too. And it is over. They feel better and I still feel like shit, but then that is better than all three of us and maybe Frankie feeling like shit, now isn't it? Sometimes I wish I didn't do everything for everyone else. I take on so much for the sake of others yet nobody ever seems to want to help me with my load. Then, when I release some of my stress so I can continue waking up and going out each morning, they all get upset at me and scold me. Why is that fair? Eh. I will never understand family, or human for that matter, dynamics.

Ah, my computer just twitched out and lost a huge post I did. It is okay, it was mostly a post about nothing. It was huge though, so I will mourn its loss. Schuby.org Is down right now so I cant get my pictures. Damn you schuby. Come back soon. I still love you though. Okay, so how am I? a little down right now. Frankie is being an asshole, no, not pedophile Frankie, Frankie my brother. Oh well, he can be as ignorant as he wants. Fuck him, I don't need it. Though it is odd that he turns into an asshole at the same time as Bryan because they have a lot of similarities. Oh well, my life is fucked over right now. Though I did have fun on Friday, I was too pissed afterwards to write about the good stuff. I went out to party with a few friends after the last final. I did good on all my finals, surprisingly. I did not study for a damn thing. Ha, just goes to show... Something, but I don't really care. I am in one of those moods. I went to church today, I should have been at church again right now but fuck that, I am not going to remind mom to make me go to that shit. There was a few hot guys there but the whole experience was not worth it at all. egh, church sucks, no matter which way you look at it. I am listening to my music really loud right now and wondering if mom is going to come into my room to bitch at me while I pretend I cant hear her. I think she is yelling from the front room right now. Eh, she will go to sleep soon enough. Hell, I think I will go to the freaky thing the new psychologist was talking about just to get away from the family. Think of this new school thing boarding school for freaks like me. Not so much fun but a lot better than my family. That and I will likely pass my classes faster because it is specialized tutoring. I can make up problems for them to fix and stay there as long as I need to pass high school. They like to solve your problems, I find. Too bad no real mistake is as easy to fix as I make it for all those doctors. I think I have to make a private blog soon here. Too many of the wrong people are reading this. And often. And they are telling more wrong people about this. Fuck it. I don't need these people on my case too. I have enough advice, help and therapy, more than I want or will ever need. So back the fuck off of my jock. Bizzatch. This is entertainment. Okay? No need to flap your mouth off to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Unless you don't know me, then blab away. This is for the people who know me, where I live and whom I talk to on a regular basis. Yeah, you. Oh well, not you take this in to mind. Egh, I hate that. Okay, I think I will see if I can use a private blog. That will make this one shit. And it wont be nearly as interesting to write or read, and nor will the other one, if I go through with it. But I must suffer for one. If I can. egh, I hate this. Why is everything so fucking confusing. Oh, on a bright note, DAVID IS GONE! Jesus, he has been rubbing it in my face and being such a bitch to me for so long now. And nobody cares about it because.. I don't know. I guess I don't really matter in that respect. Well, he is leaving for adult ed because he is an idiot. And I know Ashley will miss him and he will always be over at he house and I will always be jealous because he wanted her first (of course) and because she doesn't care how much it hurts me to have him around and how much it hurts to have to keep all those mean things inside because she doesn't want to hear it. She will do anything for me... As long as it isn't too hard for her to do or doesn't inconvenience her. I am in such a bitchy mood. You see? This is why I cant have people I know reading this because they always get hurt and read only what they want to. That and they get mad at me for writing in my fucking blog, diary, journal. Oh well. I don't know what to do. This is what I have. It is here and I don't feel like moving it yet. It may not seem like a big deal but it is hard to move a blog. And to start on a new one. It is harder than most people will give credit. Yeah, well, suck my big imaginary penis. I am going to see what I missed on the net while the Ethernet in my house was down.

too fucking pissed for titles or pictures.
Argh... Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I hate people. I hate trying. Even when I am trying my hardest, nobody cares. goddamnit. I hate this shit. If you are so fucking perfect, great for you, I'm not. I have my own ways. I have my own system. I have what works for me. And I DON'T need to be judged by your hypocritical ass because I am able to confront something we all do but deny. I am so sick of being judged. I make who I am, I don't need you to label me. I guess I am just another two dimensional fun. Maybe if people reject to writing in a journal online they ought not read them. I have no other journal. I cant write very well if I know that no one will ever read it. Why the fuck am I justifying myself? I don't need to speak up for shit. What I do is what I do. How I cope is how I cope. If you want to know, you can know. I wont let it show, I wont say, I tried to tell one person, one person and he said to me that it wasn't funny and it wasn't cool. People think you would forget the things you say to them but I remember it all. Goddamnit. I thought I could share to someone's face. I thought I could. damnit I cant though. I write letters you will never read, I write poems Morgan will never hear. I write them here. I write them so maybe someone else can be who I wanted to be. Can see where I went wrong. And why the hell and I justifying again? fuck it all. I am so sick of this. I cant stand all of this shit. I don't want to have to suck it in and take your abuse. But I do. I take your abuse out of me some how you fucking bitches. You tell me to stop but you are only the fuel for the fire. You try and stomp out the only other alternative I have, tell me that it is stupid, I cant have my blog I cant be open I have to hide I have to keep it all in myself. Fuck you, I am going to get it out one way or another.


GRAND JUSTICE
You judge my life
my clothes my friends
Based on nothing
you guess who I am
by how I look
what you should see
is my soul
my thoughts, and pains
then you might understand
what it means to me
to be who I am
day in and out
why I laugh and smile
or cry and pout
at the injustice of you


2:48 PM 10/4/02
I'M JUST PEACHY KEEN
I damn myself and all my old lies.
How I try too fucking hard to be,
someone loved by all of you guys.
Its killing me inside now, cant you see?
I hate all of myself all of every day
I am being someone who I'm definitely not.
but when you see me its all okay
I think that all I want is my scars to infect and rot
and all that I'll say to you now
is I'm okay I'm fine and I'm alright.
All I can wonder now is, how?
How didn't you know I was in a fight?
I had to fight me for my own goddamn life
because me was unfair, me fought with a knife

God, I am so tired of doctors. That and I am tired because of finals and such. I am almost done with finals. Two more tomorrow then I get a nice semester break. I have had three doctors appointments in a row, one each day, for the last three days. All of these appointments revolve around my arms, the burning and the cutting. I feel like mom is trying to show them off sometimes. She wants me to pull up my sleeves for everyone we talk to. And I don't want to. I go to great lengths to keep my arms hidden. And mom just wants me to whip them out for anyone who mentions mutilation, cutting, or any related word. Jesus. And in therapists offices, mom is just so... Kind and always asking me these questions and god it is so annoying how she changes for them. She is the ideal mother, caring and open and honest. Jesus... But no where else. Argh, oh well, not much I can do about it. Tomorrow we are going out to celebrate the end of finals and the beginning of out break. I think dad wants to go out on a beach/RV trip. I do not want to go if I cannot bring a friend. Hopefully Ashley if she doesn't have something going already, or heather if she isn't doing something with Pieter. And the parents have to okay it. I have to study a little but more for my bio final. I have a few crush type things right now. One is still Kevin Cataneo. I DIDN'T DO IT! I have to. It has to be done someday by somebody. Not like anyone is going to ask me out anytime soon. I don't think there has been a time in my life where I have felt less attractive. And so inadequate. I am such a little goody girl priss. I don't drink, don't smoke I live at home. Jesus, I don't even listen to some weird music. If only I was something more than normal. Eh. I will get over this stage in life someday I am sure. Goddamnit, this bandage makes it so impossible to type. It keeps pushing my finger one key over. ARGH! Bite me. I have no life. I hope everybody know that. Sometimes I think I have a life, but then I realize, I don't, not really. Okay, I lied, I do. I just want to make more of a reason why I can wallow in self-pity. But I cant. I have so many awesome people in my life. Like Ashley and Heather who both totally rock. And I know I will be spending so much of my life with Ashley. Like, her children with pee their pants laughing at stuff I say, And if they don't, I will squeeze them until they pee their pants (screaming) with laughter. Little bastards, don't know a good joke when they hear it. Why, back in my day, when a dollar was worth something and kid RESPECTED their elders... Why back in that day,...

Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know? Okay, I liked this song even when it was Britney Spears doing it. I still like it. Is it weird that I don't stop liking bands? I like them for, pretty much, ever. I still like a lot of N'Sync's music, and Justin is rockin. Man, I like to dance to his new stuff. I guess I'm weird. Whatever. My loneliness is killing me, and I must confess, I still believe. Goddamn, this song is a lot sadder than I gave it credit for. Bowling for Soup made it sound better, I think.
so, beyond all that music talk, today... And yesterday. Well, Sunday, nothing much happened. I stayed home, didn't shower and just simply felt sorry for myself. And today, you may ask? Well, not too much happened. Actually that isn't so true. I went to school, first period drama was boring we just watched this Goldie Hawn movie about some girl going to the army. This movie really sucks except for in the beginning when the ladies husband is all an asshole and tells her has a "headache". Man, that was a hoot. "this isn't an aspirin type of headache," oh man, that was so classic. I didn't do much in drama except talk to Willie, Andre and john. Second period Spanish one (my third year of Spanish one) was okay. I'm still getting an A in the class, I got a perfect score on my Family Tree (good, this is the third one I have done) and I know I am so ready for the final this year. I have it down. Hell, I could probably do the whole freaking exam without the actual test paper. Break was amusing, as always. Stood around, joked and just relaxed for a few minutes before third period. Third period Bio rolls around. This is one of my favorite classes. I yell at some kid for accidentally flicking an eraser at my back. I talk with Bryan about his girl. We discuss eyes, eyesight and my freakish changing color eyes. Adrian acts like a dork and amuses me. Ha, he treats me like shit cause he thinks I like him. Yeah, that will be the day. Bryan doesn't know what to do about this girl he likes. I swear, he should just transfer to Independence, get the girl, and live happily ever on. Marisa told me about the whole Matt deal that happened at her birthday party, the one I was supposed to go to but didn't cause I went to Romero's. Sounds like a big hairy deal, what with her breaking up with him multiple times in the same night and Matt dissolving into tears. Poor bastard. He seemed like a nice guy too. You know? Oh well, he was too clingy for her anyway. I had some birthday cake in Bio cause Marisa had some and, what the hell, cake is good. Fourth period Sociology and I find out my grade in that class. I got a B. A straight, solid B. Not bad. I could do better but I was absent a bit and missed some stuff. Though a B is still pretty good. I talked with Jonathan about our respective weekends and such. I chatted a little with Tarika and basically sat around. My group's presentation of our dream High School was, by far, the best. Our poster rocked the house. Amber is getting on my nerves, though I don't hate her. She is cool, just yeah. She thinks we are a tad bit closer than we are. Lunch break is extremely amusing. We discuss the marketing and practical options of dehydrated penises (peni). Then we talk about what the supposed texture of this peni would be. We figure it would be sopping wet, flacid-ish and could be used as a squirt gun of sorts when fully soaked. At one point Elis hugged me and I said something along the lines of "at least your fly wasn't open this time" and he, of course, unzips his fly and spreads it open. Before the Albanian Gangsta might make a get-away, I turn away. Yes, I was peni-whipped by Elis. Man oh man, what is the world coming to. Ah, Bryan hung out with us at lunch today. He refused to join the circle, which sparked many jokes and gags. Me and Ashley declared our love for each other, which is always fun. Fifth period U.S. History was boring, as usual. Mr. Romero is so freaking boring. He is just showing us a movie and having us take notes. BAH! I didn't even need the movie to take my notes, I already knew all that shit. English 3 is my last class of the day, at sixth. We went over what we had to know for the final and I think it will be a cinch. I remembered everything Mr. Guerra was talking about. After school I was walking around with Ashley, Steven and David. Then I was walking with Heather, Pieter, Daniel, Willie and Roseana for a while. Then Ashley dragged me off with her, Steven and David again. We walked around. Didn't do much. I then realized I was walking Ashley home with Steven. Works for me. Me and Steven jack a couple of realty signs Mexican style. We walk through some elementary school and David walked off home. Me, Ashley and Steven were having a grand old time. We get to Ashley's house and I don't know how to get home. Me and Steven dial furiously, looking for someone who would drive us home to no avail. We say goodbye to out mutual love and walk off towards out homes since we, Steven and I, live all of a block away from each other. All goes fine, he is telling me the streets so I can get safely home on my own if need ever be again. Then, he gets the bright idea of cutting out walk off by a few minutes by going through the creek. I figured, oh, it wont be that bad, it will be like walking along Alum Rock without all that mountain stuff. No, not at all. First, we have to jump a fence, which isn't that bad at all, I'm not too bad at that, you know. I should have been worried because, at that point, Steven tells me " I'm impressed, Ashley never would go this way" or something similar and to that effect. I don't think anything of it until he tells me to follow his steps exactly and to always hold on to the fence. I follow and I find myself inching along a five inch wide strip of concrete that hold me above serious injury or death on the concrete below. I inch along and Steven gets the end and starts brushing the ground off. He then sits down and makes a freaking 8-9 foot jump from out concrete to the concrete below and I see him land on his feet on the slanted cement below and run to keep the extra momentum from breaking his bones. Arggh, I know I cannot to do that. I sit there for a while and tell him that I just am not that type of Mexican, I am the Tia type of Mexican. I sit at home and cook and am sweet and such. Well, I wont jump soon enough for him, so he brings a rope tied around the other side, streches out, hands it to me and I wrap it around a metal pole on my side. I then try to hold myself on the rope and with my foot in a tiny like hole in the 90 degree angled cement wall I am sitting on. I then figure, what the hell, get my ass off of the damn cement and find myself dangling, by a harsh yellow rope and with my foot no longer able to find that fucking hole. I hold there a second, think that I am an idiot, and let go a little so I can slide down. Well. It didn't turn out nearly as graceful as you think it would. The rope rips away a fair amount of skin on my right hand and leaves the rest of the skin blistered. And I land on my ass. Steven asks me if I am alright and I say "yeah, that was actually pretty fun". I then notice my hand and show him. He winces and mentions how much he can imagine that hurts. I then explain to him how I don't really register as much pain as most people. We talk for the whole walk after that. He is an alright kid. I mean, we argued like we always do with Ashley but it just petered out each time we did and it was just like regular talking, no harsh feelings. Very odd. I didn't even get in trouble with my family for being home so late without calling home. They were just, oh, glad you're home, we made chicken, you can eat whatever you want. Then I made mom get on Annie's case for wearing "sex bracelets" which was mighty fun. Well yes and my body damage for today comes to; one fat bruise on my left arm, two blisters on my right hand index finger, two skin abrasions of mild severity on my right middle finger, one deeper (yet smaller) abrasion on the top of my right index finger, abrasions to my left elbow of no severity and mild abrasions to my left leg. It was so much fun though. I never did anything like that when I was young. I was always reading. And I have to say I really enjoyed being out walking for the whole day, going on different streets, trying new (slightly illegal) stunts and just talking. It was... Refreshing. I feel a lot better from these injuries than any other self-inflicted one. Yeah, and I tested that. I tried to see which felt better, cutting my arm with my razor or the abrasions on my hand. Yeah, the hand injuries won out. Hands down. I think I just found my new addiction. I just have to find a way to keep it up. Oh, I am going to the Psychiatrist tomorrow. Should be amusing, to say the least. I have been just a little worse since I was put on medication. I feel better but the whole hurting thing is worse by a bit. Yeah, that and I got a new Psychiatrist and my mom is trying to get a list of psychologists I can use on the medical plan we have. And on Wednsday, mum is going to be talking to Mrs. Mestaz about what I can do about the whole school thing. We are thinking GED and Junior College. Which is perfect for me. I don't care about school functions, I don't want to go to my proms and there is nobody who I really care about at the school who I wouldn't be able to see anywhere else. That and JC would let me get my grades that I screwed up in high school up. Meeting new people. So many more elective courses. Why do I feel like I am trying to convince myself? Who knows what will happen. I will miss everyone if I do leave. Even if I can see them someplace else, it would never be the same. But I have to do what is right. And that means some sort of sacrifice. Even if I can tell myself I am not giving anything up, I am if I do.

Well, Romero's party was mucho fun. Not only did I get to hang out with Romero and her family at Straw Hat Pizza, but I also got to bowl with them until about 10:00 PM. All so much fun and I am so tired now. Christine's family declared me Mexican for shoving Romero's face in the cake. It was not only me, I swear. The tias were so in on it and they told me that I had to do it and I would be Mexican if I did and that I was the only one who could because Christine trusts me. So I fell into the Mexican peer pressure. Man, that was fun. I have a lot of candy now too because I got a party/gift bag thing. It is sponge-bob. So neato. I played Dance Dance Revolution with one of Romero's cousins. That was a lot of fun. I was sweating after all that dancing on DDR. I'm getting better, I think. I laughed so hard. And I got to talk with Romero witch was a lot of fun. Oh man, I asked a cute guy at AMF Bowling Lanes if he wanted to eat our hot dog. He said no, but a guy behind us with a white-man's fro said he would take it. So I gave the hot dog to them. Oh, and I played one of those drill games where you push out the prize. I won but the prize got stuck and the AMF employees had no sympathy for me. The prize I should have gotten was a camera. I could have taken pictures of the guy who I asked to eat out hot dog and the guy who did eat it. And I could have taken a picture of the Asian police-woman who we saw. I have never seen an Asian police woman before. She looked weird. Like her head was too small in the big uniform. Man there are so many hot guys at AMF. Not the one by Target but the one across the street from Oakridge mall. That one has so many hot guys. Oh, and it is decided. I am going to ask Kevin Cataneo out. Just because. I know I will be shot down, but hell, it is fun anyway. I have to get to bed now. I am so tired and my stomach feels weird and stuff and man, so much fun today. I feel so Mexican. Finally, I am in touch with my true ethnicity. So many weird things happened tonight, I am sure that they will live on in my memory forever. And, no doubt, they will haunt me for the rest of my adult life.

VIVA LA MEXICA!

uh huh... Take care, good night.

Ah, I just got home from babysitting. Some people really don't need babysitters but I guess in an emergency it would be good to have me there because... Hell, I always know what to do. Anyway, I was there for about four hours because the parents wanted to go see Lord of the Rings. They had me come over at 7:30 PM -ish and Luke, the younger, noisier, more fun, child I actually have to watch went to bed at 8:30 PM. And I was over there until midnight. I just fell asleep on their couch with my headphones on. The Kims are so uber nice. Mrs. Kim gave me a Christmas extra in my payment for tonight. Which is always nice to have. Extra money is nice to have. That and I found a bunch of money I left in my tall bookcase and got pushed back behind some novels. So, now, I am sorta loaded. I am so tempted to just go out and spend it all. This space to blog is looking at me all intimidating like. I feel like I have to fill it up but I am just sorta on cruise control right now. Nothing special. I took a picture for Paintball club today. I am not even in the club but Elis said I should so I did. That and I am a huge ham and love to have my picture taken, as long as I look good. Today was a fairly humorous day. I think Pieter is about to forgive me for saying his name while I make-out with other guys. I don't know why he took that all up the butt, I mean it wasn't only his name, I said Daniel before too, and I am bad with names anyway. I call everybody by everybody else's name. I even called Elis "Andrew" before, and vice versa. I think I got it from Mother and Dad. They always mix up me and Annie's names. A few times they mixed up me and Frankie, which is a little disturbing. I am tired. I have homework like all hell to do and I want to do it just to surprise all my teachers. Tomorrow is a special secret surprise birthday party for my friend. Actually, two of my friends are having surprise birthday party's tomorrow but I can only go to one, so I am going to the one with all the people I know. My MD player is now my life. It is so small and so easy to use. I love it. I go everywhere with it now. And combined with my cool headphones that wrap around the back of my head, I can easily smuggle my MD player into school and even use it in class. Elliott is an idiot, but he is being nice to me lately. I think it is cause he figured out that I don't care that he is friends with a lot of people because everybody thinks I'm cool too. He was complementing me. Elliott. Told me I was a "really great speaker". I am still in residual shock. I told him he did well... And then I turned around. It was starting to creep me out. That and he told me that "ah, headphones, it works for you" when I put on my headphones in sociology. I hope he cuts it out and calls me fat or something. Soon. I was told, by Ashley, that I should get back with Timmy. No way, not going to happen. First off, he can not kiss for shit. Secondly, he is so not doing anything with his life. Thirdly, he drinks and smokes. Fourth off, he has no job and is not in school. And, lastly, he was sorta annoying sometimes. I mean, yeah he was a nice guy. Okay, he does have that down. But he lied to my dad! Okay? That is not acceptable. I don't like it and I think he was lying to me about not drinking because that one phone message he left me sounded really drunk. I may ask Kevin Cataneo out as a joke. Because he is so hot. And if he says no, who cares, I don't talk to him anyway. And, if he said yeah, well, I have a date with Kevin "sexy hair swish" Cataneo. And we all know a girl loves a guy with silky long hair. Silky and smooth and shiny. Mm... Hotness.

Eh, I told Schuby I might use this idea. I would take some of his pictures and use them to express how I feel on a post-to-post basis. I feel like hiding right now. Maybe not with a tissue box but with something close. I like the pictures, even though they aren't me. Maybe Schuby would upload pictures for me. That would be coolness. Well yeah, I'm so tired and I still feel really... Eh, down. People are weird. I don't know why they are but they are. I guess I still feel really left out. I don't feel like a part of anything anymore. Even when I am center of attention for a few seconds I feel like everybody is waiting to look away from me and go on to more important things. So weird. I guess I wish I was the center of everything. I wish I didn't have to try so hard to get my best friends attention when I want it. I know we all have other things to do. Except me. I don't. I have hardly anybody. Ashley, you are my best friend. I have Heather but you are far closer to me and know everything about me through and through. You are the focus of my attention almost all the time. I know I cant be the center of your life but you are the center of mine. I would have given up all this pussy shit with just cutting and burning and I would kill my self by now if it had not been for you. Sometimes I feel like I am not pretty enough or smart enough or witty enough or interesting enough for everyone, especially Ashley. I do not have the charisma, the charm or anything. I don't have the connections, the history, the attitude, the look or anything that you do. You fit in all the time. I have always been the same, I never changed and I still don't fit in. I guess someday I may but I doubt it. I just cant be as much as I need to be to be in. I am just not. If I tried so hard to fit in, I might, but I cant. I cant pull it off for long. I always end up like how I am. Wearing my clothes, talking about weird shit, following you around. I guess that is what I do. I just attach and follow you and everybody else. Like the stray dog. Man, I love you so much and I all I want is to be enough for everybody and to be a person. I am so confused in my own thoughts right now. I don't even know what I am saying right now, not really. I am barely thinking about what I am saying I'm just.. Eh, doing what I always do. I am so alone in everything. I have a half of a handful of friends who I can even say I lightly trust. I have no romantic life whatsoever and I wish to never have to think of my past relationships again. Sometimes I still think of some of those things I had. I laugh with myself cause something reminds me of those movies that they would show in church and how me and him would sit on a back couch and laugh at the movie and some of the shallower kids in the room. I think of some of the ideas we had, the jokes we made, and it is all just so... Clear. I know I don't fit it. I don't know why not. I am not a poseur, I am just me and yet nobody likes me. Nobody talks to me first. I don't have connections. I don't have studio pictures. I don't have old friends. I don't have a past for the most part. Even Heather hated me before, so she doesn't know about how bad I was for the most part. How I am still the same. Not grown up at all. Nothing. People say I am mature now, too bad you didn't see me in the 6th grade. I was just the same. Same style, same vernacular, same everything. I have done stuff since then but I never learned anything. I knew it all already. Nothing has changed in six years. I see it all just the same as I did back then. I live in my moment, the future never happens, the past was always the past. So I always act the same. I wish I could grow and change and meet and keep friends. My friends now are the longest I have ever had. Ever. Three years is so long to me. Nobody but my family could bring up stuff from three years ago about me. Except you now. Your family accepts me. I have love. Real love. You care for me and my welfare. It is so weird. I love it. I love that your family thinks highly of me. I love them all. Yes, even Uncle Ray, in that weird way.
I still want to hide from the world. It is scary. I go out there every day. I lose friends all the time. Maybe if I hide I can keep me in their memories as it is now. Maybe they can see me happy and wonder why I would leave. Take "leave" in any way you want. I may just. My scars are growing. It is more than I want to live with sometimes. I want to hide from it all. I want to hide away from people and ideas and expectations. I know I can never live up to anything. Maybe, maybe, I can live down to it though.

Just an idea.

It is true... Everybody is out to get me...

Either that or it just feels like it. I am so fucking sick of all this shit being heaped on me. I had to scream and cuss at this stupid ass kid today because he threw his trash at my head. I am nobody's trash. I am not to be just thrown out and never again bothered with. I learned that I can let people get away with mistreating me *Davidcough* but it helps a lot more ad feels so much better to just yell my fucking head off. Thank god for my learning experience at least. I will not be ignored. I will not be a trash heap. I am going to make people start treating me right now. I am not going to take out my anger on myself. I am going to take it out on them I swear to all that I know. I am not going to be abused anymore. Not by friends, peers, my dad, myself, anybody. I am absolutely sick of it. And I don't want to have to hear people tell me that I deserve better but then I never get it. I want to get what I deserve and that is respect an love and care from anybody I bother with. Now I miss Morgan. It would figure though. All these thoughts about not being worth anything and I think of the one person who never treated me badly, who never used me, who always made me feel like myself. Man, I am an idiot. An idiot who did the right thing. Okay, I am going to leave this all up to tomorrow then. I am tired, I am pissy, I am bitchy, I feel like ripping someone's throat out. See you tomorrow.

goddamnit. nothing works. fucking useless. why bother. give in

fuck. fuck fuck. fucking damnit. shit. i hate my life. dad is fucking semi-abusive, he is too fucking afraid to really hit so he scares and grabs and shakes me. Damn him. fuck annie. fuck mom. fuck them. they love each other, great. why does it always work like this? huh? im so fucking sick of this shit. fucking assholes. why dont they care about me. why is everything i do forgotten. why am i so cast aside? why is it this way. everyone tells me i am better than annie but mom and dad treat her so much better. fuck. fuck. god. im pressing burning paper into my skin until it doesnt hurt. then i light it up again and start over. i can almost feel the pain and anger leave my head when i do this. i dont have my razors anymore. they all dissappeared. godamn them. fuck them. go to hell. fuck off. i hate them so much. i have no fucking place to go and i hate it. so so much. fuck them all. fuck them, fuck it. i guess i am just lazy... FUCK THAT. i do so much here yet annie runs the water and dad starts yelling at me and shaking me for not helping.

something is gone and i wish i could follow. i know my way i know the path i want to be in my own good light i want to be and listen and hold my own

my god, i have to keep myself busy right now. That is why i have all these crappy poems. I am keeping my hands busy. I want to tear and squeez and rip and claw my way out of myself. want out. I am shaking so hard. goddamnit. I hate this. I feel like my lungs are shaking. I my hands are cold. They are. which isnt that odd, i guess, but my hands are usually warm. Like, at school, everyone always says how warm my hands are. Just odd, i guess. I cant keep them busy though. I need to. i want to cut cut cut my way out of this. i cant, i wont i wont let myself. I cant. No. No way. i wish i had some help right now. Nobody seems to want to talk. I know how it is. Everybody is tired. Im not. I wide awake. I have lots to do. I need to have lots to do. I cant stop for a second. I cant just sit and read. I need to keep my hands moving. In motion. Good. Still at it. Not stopping. I just dont know what to do with myself. My hands. right hand is colder. Almost freezing. The finger joints feel like steel. I want to write. I have to. I have to keep on going. I have too much. FInd an outlet. DO something instead. This is what i am doing. I hope, pray, wish it work. Trying so hard. Im shaking so hard. I feel like crying. I dont know what got me like this now. Stressful day. I had fun but ... i dont know. i just felt... out. of place. out of place. yeah, i guess. and i was looking around the net... just awake, not upset, just bored. i was looking at screencaps of some movies. actually, only one movie. american beauty. i have seen some of this movie. frankie had it for awhile. i only saw a few minutes. but i was looking at this and the site had a more than 600 screencap from the whole movie. and i was looking through them. piecing together the movie from the picture and what i had seen. and heard about the movie. and i was looking through it. and it upset me. all of it. that and i was readng poems at ruinyourlife.com which i admit is not the best idea for me. but some are so beautiful. i connect and the sadness is just a side effect. but too much for right now. i am so stupid. i just want to take and tear and cut away at myself to feel real right now. In the now. to be back in control. i want to be in charge. i want to be true. real. i am so worried and scared and shaken and sad and confused and everything right now. i dont know what to do to keep myself. i dont know what i can do. other than. you know. and i want to do that. i am stopping it. i am trying so hard. it isnt easy. it has been weeks since i did that last. and i want to make that moths. then years. i dont want to. but it is so so so hard. i feel fake. and lost. and gone. and confused. and so weird. like i dont know if i am really me or something outside myself. my hands are so cold. right now. they feel warm on my face but they are cold. so cold it hurts the knuckles and the tips of my fingers. i cant think of what to type. But i have to keep going. if i stop i want have anything left. anything. i just feel so wrong right now. this and that and who and why. i dont know why. i dont know anything right now but that i want to be sure of what and who and where and if i am. if. especially if. im so not sure. i am not aware of any way to check but that one i have trued before again and again. I want that. I want that to be sure. i know. i know. i know. i know. i know i know this is true. I know that it wont lie to me. it cant lie. it is sure. im sure of that. it brings me back. it makes it better. It makes it tangible. i can feel it. i can see it. i can see it flow and pulse and be. be real. i want that again. jesus. i have to not. i cant. i wont. i wont do it. i dont have to. i can wait. i can wait i think. I think i can. i know the cut will be true and no lie will come of that. i am so confused. i am broken and confused. i am so hurt. i am so confused. take me, fix me. put me together again. take me, make me, make me new and shiny and wanted. If someone beautiful can point out their flaws and tell me to shut up. if that then... what. what do i want to say now, what was that point if there was one. i was thinking. i was wondering why people must never let me say anything. all i want to say is i am ugly and bad. and you have to best me on that too. I cant be anything. everything for you is worse and better and bigger and smaller and everything is all. i am nothing i would extrapolate. I am nothing worth anything. but worth more and less than you of course. i am default. often used and forgotten. i am so... nothing. yet more and less than you. than anybody. ow. my side hurts now. i dont know why. but it is nothing compared to any one else pain. everybody has suffered more than me too. bite. bite it down. keep it down. file away save it for later. no. i cant. breathes harder. sniff. squeeze eyes. push away the hair and tears. nothing is nothing is nothing is not me. i cant be. I have soemthing,. i swear i have something. i swear i swear it i swear it now i swear i have it i have soemthing i swear. i know it. i know i ahve soemthing. I can be. I can i can be i can be i can i can I can i can be. I am. i can be something i am. what to say to type to let out if there is anything at all in me. I know there is. I want to let it out. scars are no proof in me. i dont believe right now. i can be. i am. i know. i think. i swear it. I swear. pop pop pop it in now. i want to say. i want to say it. i want to to to to now. i want to say it out loud. i want to say it to everybody. stop reading. dont read this. i need to type it. i must put it out there. i must i must. i have to. It is what i do. it is some shred of proof. it is what makes it. i cant i cant i need not to. I dont. i wont. i must. i gave me over. i do it again. i spread it around. i let it go. flow away. i want to make it flow. i want to cut cut cut cut away and the cover the shell. i want out of it now. i need to stop it. i need away. i cant i cant i know i want to but i wont. i must deny me. i must not. no no not to do it no. no no no question. none. im now, im not. i stop. i stop it here. i stop it now. i type away until it is done. i type away until i can stop. no edit no stopping keep me busy. keep it working keep it without thinking. whithout thinking how good it feels. how the first cut makes that whole set appear. makes everything keep coming and coming and making it all better inside. let it all out. deal and out and take and rip and pour and wave goodbye. Wave away and watch the droplets dance and fal and spread. burgundy carpet hides. i want to now. i want it so bad. i want it. yes i do i do yes yes yes i do. nothing to do. stimulation useless. music, moves, books anything is useless. i cant step out. i cant our un. i need to wait out,. no smoke out. i cant force it. i can though. i can. i can bleed it out. i cant though i can. i can.. t oh i want to. i wont... wont want can cant. do it. dont. do it do not. i do remember. i do though. i know. i know the uselessness. the futility. the isolation. not again. i want it to start.. i want to folow the lines. trace new ones. make marks. make it real. make reality. so i can feel it. so it is true. and there. and for as long as i need it. i am cold. freezing. like metal. like ice. like not. not now. now no... no no no no i cant. i cant i wont i wont. i have help. i am supposed to be normal, i am supposed to be fixed. you put me together. YOU PUT ME TOGETHER YOU PUT ME BACK YOU MADE ME GOOD YOU MADE ME FIXED YOU FIXED ME FIX ME MAKE ME BETTER YOU FIXED ME so why am i not. why am i. you fixed me. i am good. i am better. i have help. you put me back together. you did it. why. why oh why. im good. im better. i want to be better, i know a better that makes it better and make it worse and better so good so nice so real and nice and good. i can get it out. it get out and out and out and i dont know why i need to do it again and again. oh oh so nice. warm me up. keep me safe. remind me over and over and over that i am real. that i am. i am not more or less though i am real. i dont need to tell you you need not know. but i am real. i will know if i make sure. i want it i want it now. oh i need it. I need it to be. i need to feel it. Cold is not enough. cold is not good enough. i need to remove it my way. i want to. i cant. im doing so much to stop. why am i stopping it why am i not letting it go through. i want to be fake if i dont let myself define real. stop stop stop ... stop the lies. stop confusing me. stop making me think this way. stop it stop it now. i i i.. i dont know. i dont want... i dont know. i i god i, im unsure. im hesitant, im pensive. i cant stop. i cant stop. how do i stop this. i cant now. i cant think of anything else. no longer is it just an undercurrent but it is flooding everything i see it i think it. i read and write it. everything is cut. cutting. feeling. love, sadness, sorrow, anger, jealousy, rage, insecurity, confusion, insanity, horror, numbness, abandonment, sickness, isolation. ha. angel. in my bed. she just woke up because i was too loud crying. she is asleep on my bed. she makes me happy. she looked at me. because. makes me feel better, i guess. just there. real. petty is how i feel now. and cold. and... i dont know. it isnt enough. i cant cut myself with angel in my room with me. I cant. she is real. she is. so i think i am. i guess tonight i was saved. by my dog. im sick in my heart still. it feels like it sunk into my chest. like it feel down. and is just pulsing there. i dont know if anybody knows what i mean. but it is close enough for me. i guess i better go to bed. i guess. i think. you know. im just. confused. and yeah. i dont want to read what i wrote here. i dont think i can. i know i cant, not without feeling it all again. I cant read this again, i know that, so no spellcheck. i cant.