Eh, I told Schuby I might use this idea. I would take some of his pictures and use them to express how I feel on a post-to-post basis. I feel like hiding right now. Maybe not with a tissue box but with something close. I like the pictures, even though they aren't me. Maybe Schuby would upload pictures for me. That would be coolness. Well yeah, I'm so tired and I still feel really... Eh, down. People are weird. I don't know why they are but they are. I guess I still feel really left out. I don't feel like a part of anything anymore. Even when I am center of attention for a few seconds I feel like everybody is waiting to look away from me and go on to more important things. So weird. I guess I wish I was the center of everything. I wish I didn't have to try so hard to get my best friends attention when I want it. I know we all have other things to do. Except me. I don't. I have hardly anybody. Ashley, you are my best friend. I have Heather but you are far closer to me and know everything about me through and through. You are the focus of my attention almost all the time. I know I cant be the center of your life but you are the center of mine. I would have given up all this pussy shit with just cutting and burning and I would kill my self by now if it had not been for you. Sometimes I feel like I am not pretty enough or smart enough or witty enough or interesting enough for everyone, especially Ashley. I do not have the charisma, the charm or anything. I don't have the connections, the history, the attitude, the look or anything that you do. You fit in all the time. I have always been the same, I never changed and I still don't fit in. I guess someday I may but I doubt it. I just cant be as much as I need to be to be in. I am just not. If I tried so hard to fit in, I might, but I cant. I cant pull it off for long. I always end up like how I am. Wearing my clothes, talking about weird shit, following you around. I guess that is what I do. I just attach and follow you and everybody else. Like the stray dog. Man, I love you so much and I all I want is to be enough for everybody and to be a person. I am so confused in my own thoughts right now. I don't even know what I am saying right now, not really. I am barely thinking about what I am saying I'm just.. Eh, doing what I always do. I am so alone in everything. I have a half of a handful of friends who I can even say I lightly trust. I have no romantic life whatsoever and I wish to never have to think of my past relationships again. Sometimes I still think of some of those things I had. I laugh with myself cause something reminds me of those movies that they would show in church and how me and him would sit on a back couch and laugh at the movie and some of the shallower kids in the room. I think of some of the ideas we had, the jokes we made, and it is all just so... Clear. I know I don't fit it. I don't know why not. I am not a poseur, I am just me and yet nobody likes me. Nobody talks to me first. I don't have connections. I don't have studio pictures. I don't have old friends. I don't have a past for the most part. Even Heather hated me before, so she doesn't know about how bad I was for the most part. How I am still the same. Not grown up at all. Nothing. People say I am mature now, too bad you didn't see me in the 6th grade. I was just the same. Same style, same vernacular, same everything. I have done stuff since then but I never learned anything. I knew it all already. Nothing has changed in six years. I see it all just the same as I did back then. I live in my moment, the future never happens, the past was always the past. So I always act the same. I wish I could grow and change and meet and keep friends. My friends now are the longest I have ever had. Ever. Three years is so long to me. Nobody but my family could bring up stuff from three years ago about me. Except you now. Your family accepts me. I have love. Real love. You care for me and my welfare. It is so weird. I love it. I love that your family thinks highly of me. I love them all. Yes, even Uncle Ray, in that weird way.
I still want to hide from the world. It is scary. I go out there every day. I lose friends all the time. Maybe if I hide I can keep me in their memories as it is now. Maybe they can see me happy and wonder why I would leave. Take "leave" in any way you want. I may just. My scars are growing. It is more than I want to live with sometimes. I want to hide from it all. I want to hide away from people and ideas and expectations. I know I can never live up to anything. Maybe, maybe, I can live down to it though.

Just an idea.