Like a Scarecrow

Current Music: Mineral - Palisade

I've had an. . . interesting week. by interesting i mean completely awkward and weird and sad and a little bit good.

Some things went down, arguments, fights, some very nice people standing up for me and some friendships cemented. Me and Aaron are no more. *shrug* I'm not too broken up over it because i cut it off since i found myself trying to forgive him for hitting me and it was not good.

I have this excellent guy i know, however, who i hooked up with once. I fucked shit up back then because he didn't know it was a hookup and i wasn't the nicest person about it. I wish i could change that but i can't. Apparently, he is about the best person on earth, ever, and forgave me and i think we are kinda, sorta, maybe hooking up again in a more serious way, i don't know but i do know he is amazing. Which, really, is what matters. he isn't what i've ever looked for or noticed in the past which might be why he is so exceptional compared to what i've had.

Things are looking up after a shit week. For sure.

Reading old blogs, mine or others, is just bad sense

Current Music: The Dresden Dolls - Dirty Business

I really feel like i've screwed up some things in my life. Sure, I think to myself that if i hadn't of moved in such a way through my past then i wouldn't be here in life, graduate with a beautiful boyfriend who loves me, a well paying job and tons of opportunity. However, I must admit, the prospect of having all of this as well as saving the friendships that feel by the wayside is driving me insane. I'm trying to patch things up with one girl, it seems to be working. I just miss having such a huge group of friends. I miss Ashley, I suppose. I remember the argument and I would have trouble forgiving her for some of the shit she pulled after the fallout but if i could work things in such a way that we were still friends? I probably would.

This is a girl who i made promises to blow up fish, who i loved enough to kill a small animal for, who helped to make me who i am. Granted, every person I've ever known has played a part in my development but Ashley was more than just that. She was a major source of formative growth, even after things fell apart. Maybe I have trust issues but since they mostly stemmed from that, i find myself still wanting to trust her. Maybe, rebuilding that trust could lead to my acceptance into society as functioning, having rid myself of the lesser evils of high school past.

Or maybe I just miss Ashley.

I don't know and i don't think i want to. It's over. It's done. I can't trust her again after the words said, the phone calls, the jeering. I'm happy here. Without you.

I wanna be your superhero falling from a running horse

Current Music: Jane's Addiction - Superhero


I'm incredibly overwhelmed again. From one thing to the next which, in reality is an expected situation.

Aaron. God. sometimes i wonder what he is thinking in that pretty head of his. I love him, i do but my god, he has to wake up here soon and realize he can't be depending on others to keep taking care of him like this.

The cold air will brush your hard heart away

Current Music: Benny Benassi - No Matter What You Do

*grabs hair*

I'm. . . I'm tired. Oh yeah, I'm better than you. Heh, I get to go to Googleplex tomorrow and do the whole usability study. MUAHAH! and, because of an NDA I am more likely than not going to sign I can't say anything about it, further proving how much better i am than you. Yeah. I'm cool. I fucking rock.

My Date with Disaster

Current Music: Marcy Playground - Dog and His Master

So few public posts these days. I've become rather reclusive now that i have a regular boyfriend.

We're ridiculously cute. A lot of the things i have been writing lately have been so completely and disgustingly cute that i haven't even wanted to keep them public at all and not in sexy way that would make it fun.

we are pretty much perfect for each other. If only i could get him top understand my obsession with blogging.

Please, someone help me.

Current Music: Funeral For a Friend - Escape Artists Never Die

thank god for spellcheck.

i'm drunk. not tipsy. drunk. i fell of my chair, can't say or spell my own name, too honest for my own good drunk.

i want to kill something, anything really.

i want to get laid.

i want to commit so much violence that it will take years for the world to forget what i did

i want to fuck something hard enough to make it bruise in place it didn't even know it had. By it i mean him and by him i mean scott. I want that fucker back.