Current Music: silence
tomorrow is my birthday.
i feel nothing.
alone.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Wednesday, June 03, 2015
Feedback
Current Music: Cream - White Room
Today was beautiful. Sitting out in the park at lunch with my co-workers, playing frisbee and kubb. I drank beers in the sunshine and laughed nigh constantly. Spring in Madison is really special, either through its own merit or because it's such a relief from the snow.
I didn't even worry about my barking laugh or looking like an idiot chasing down a frisbee. One of the quietest developers in my office gave me a high five.
My cheeks are burning from smiling.
It's not the close, lifelong, deep friendships I've been accustomed to. It's new, fresh and exciting. Shallow as well. Not that there's anything wrong with any of those things. Everything is very different for me out here and I'm adjusting. I enjoy so much of what's happening but. . .
It's impossible to not draw comparisons between what now feels like two very different lives. I'm not even used to living alone and that fact startles me on its own.
Today was beautiful. Sitting out in the park at lunch with my co-workers, playing frisbee and kubb. I drank beers in the sunshine and laughed nigh constantly. Spring in Madison is really special, either through its own merit or because it's such a relief from the snow.
I didn't even worry about my barking laugh or looking like an idiot chasing down a frisbee. One of the quietest developers in my office gave me a high five.
My cheeks are burning from smiling.
It's not the close, lifelong, deep friendships I've been accustomed to. It's new, fresh and exciting. Shallow as well. Not that there's anything wrong with any of those things. Everything is very different for me out here and I'm adjusting. I enjoy so much of what's happening but. . .
It's impossible to not draw comparisons between what now feels like two very different lives. I'm not even used to living alone and that fact startles me on its own.
Tuesday, June 02, 2015
No Title
Current Music: nothing
I felt lips against my shoulder, pressed tight and exactly the same temperature as my sun browned arms. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of smoothness. Without looking, said to myself "I don't need their love, I love myself" then straightened my neck, held my head high and returned mentally to my pleasant evening alone.
I felt lips against my shoulder, pressed tight and exactly the same temperature as my sun browned arms. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of smoothness. Without looking, said to myself "I don't need their love, I love myself" then straightened my neck, held my head high and returned mentally to my pleasant evening alone.
I should be truthful.
This is a sneaky blogpost; I'm at work and I'm trying to be discreet because I actually have a lot to do today.
I feel that I should amend a small piece of my story for my own future face palming.
I have texted APF. At first because I didn't want to spend thirty dollars more than I didn't want to talk to him. Then just because he was a good person who I had a good time with. The first didn't work out, had to get the damn cab, but since then it has been a really shitty, controlled, careful conversation.
Melanie accidentally reminded me of him and that's sorta what got me started. Not saying I didn't hurt before or even that it doesn't sting a little bit even now. Despite that, I liked him for a reason and, more than just romantically, I enjoyed his presence in my life.
It's a lot more stilted now. I know I'm an intense person and he did let me know that it bothered him (not recently, when we broke things off). I can't be as. . . crazy as i normally am anymore. Truthfully, I'm really only full crazy for a few people anyway and it was really soon to be putting that all out there for a newbie. In a way, it felt good to stretch out and relax with a person. But it also feels good knowing I didn't burn that bridge, that I don't have to avoid him (not that hard anyway; we live on separate sides of town) and I can share a laugh now and then with a fellow weirdo.
Monday, June 01, 2015
You've never disappointed me
Current Music: C'mon - Letters to Cleo
Fuck.
I'm okay.
Really. It's not bad.
I went home for a little while. I saw my family and it wasn't so bad. It was okay.
I'm so worried. I'm so fucking worried and I have Melanie to talk to but I can't put all my thoughts on her. The thought of losing my brother is terrifying. I clench thinking and remembering what he was like.
If I lose another brother, I'm going to break. Hard. I need him to get his shit together and clean the fuck up. I need it. I fucking need it so fucking much.
Family exists to rip you apart inside. I'm okay. He's still here. Kinda. He looked horrible when I saw him and it scared me. As much as I know that I couldn't spend my life with Pat, I miss having him to just fall asleep next to, being able to cry and be comforted. I miss his devotion and the promises. I am happy for him and his growth. He was amazing and not right for me and I did the right thing. I'm a selfish person, I know, for even considering dumping all this on a person.
This isn't a shared sorrow thing. This is me wanting to dump my problems on someone else.
If it wasn't for pencils, paper and blogs, I'd be a horrible human. lol, jk, I'm a horrible person anyway.
This is exactly what Charlotte tried to warn me about. That I would be out here with no one to trust. Not when trust comes so sparingly. I've been lucky in life to meet so many amazing people who love me deeply and care for me. Then I left them all 2000 miles away? Jesus fuck, what is wrong with me?
I don't need them. I'm okay. Really. I don't need anyone and I'm good with that. I want to be back with my friends but not enough to give up myself. I've had so much time to think and explore my own thoughts. Learning myself has been an interesting experience. There has been so much change that I didn't even realize had happened. Eleven years ago I had the chance to deeply examine myself and I let so many bad things happen to myself since then. I'm not that person anymore at all.
I still can't put the words out there. Not someplace like this where I'll read it again and again. But I've said the words. I can accept what has happened to me. I can accept who I am. I can recognize that the two previous statements are not statements on each other.
I can do what I can for my family. I don't know what else to do at this point. My life is fantastic and I feel guiltygood about that. I have to trust Frank, the way he trusted me at my worst. I have to trust that he loves me the way I love him. And I will. He'll be better soon and I'll keep messaging him and writing him and he'll be stronger and healthier and I'll know he's not defined by his problems the way I know I'm not defined by mine.
Fuck.
I'm okay.
Really. It's not bad.
I went home for a little while. I saw my family and it wasn't so bad. It was okay.
I'm so worried. I'm so fucking worried and I have Melanie to talk to but I can't put all my thoughts on her. The thought of losing my brother is terrifying. I clench thinking and remembering what he was like.
If I lose another brother, I'm going to break. Hard. I need him to get his shit together and clean the fuck up. I need it. I fucking need it so fucking much.
Family exists to rip you apart inside. I'm okay. He's still here. Kinda. He looked horrible when I saw him and it scared me. As much as I know that I couldn't spend my life with Pat, I miss having him to just fall asleep next to, being able to cry and be comforted. I miss his devotion and the promises. I am happy for him and his growth. He was amazing and not right for me and I did the right thing. I'm a selfish person, I know, for even considering dumping all this on a person.
This isn't a shared sorrow thing. This is me wanting to dump my problems on someone else.
If it wasn't for pencils, paper and blogs, I'd be a horrible human. lol, jk, I'm a horrible person anyway.
This is exactly what Charlotte tried to warn me about. That I would be out here with no one to trust. Not when trust comes so sparingly. I've been lucky in life to meet so many amazing people who love me deeply and care for me. Then I left them all 2000 miles away? Jesus fuck, what is wrong with me?
I don't need them. I'm okay. Really. I don't need anyone and I'm good with that. I want to be back with my friends but not enough to give up myself. I've had so much time to think and explore my own thoughts. Learning myself has been an interesting experience. There has been so much change that I didn't even realize had happened. Eleven years ago I had the chance to deeply examine myself and I let so many bad things happen to myself since then. I'm not that person anymore at all.
I still can't put the words out there. Not someplace like this where I'll read it again and again. But I've said the words. I can accept what has happened to me. I can accept who I am. I can recognize that the two previous statements are not statements on each other.
I can do what I can for my family. I don't know what else to do at this point. My life is fantastic and I feel guiltygood about that. I have to trust Frank, the way he trusted me at my worst. I have to trust that he loves me the way I love him. And I will. He'll be better soon and I'll keep messaging him and writing him and he'll be stronger and healthier and I'll know he's not defined by his problems the way I know I'm not defined by mine.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Saturday, May 09, 2015
Making fun of inferior people.
Current Music: Fugazi - Cashout
I feel good. I mean, I don't feel like I'm exactly happy about the whole APF situation. It was far from ideal but damn, I had a great time for the short while it lasted.
Realistically, given the number of people I've honestly had romantic feelings for, I'm lucky enough to have had reciprocated feelings from two. I'm not exactly a desirable woman to most people.
It's getting easier and easier to adjust to being alone. I don't mean in some self-loathing, "everyone leaves" way. I like being alone once I'm there. This move has given me the chance to be more alone than I have ever been and it was worth it to fuck that up to have been with someone who was unique, interesting and kind. Not having that unexpected connection isn't a sacrifice, it's getting back to where I wanted to be, what I came out here to do for myself.
In other words, I'm aware that I am a complete person on my own and I got drunk last night with strangers and had fun being myself.
I feel good. I mean, I don't feel like I'm exactly happy about the whole APF situation. It was far from ideal but damn, I had a great time for the short while it lasted.
Realistically, given the number of people I've honestly had romantic feelings for, I'm lucky enough to have had reciprocated feelings from two. I'm not exactly a desirable woman to most people.
It's getting easier and easier to adjust to being alone. I don't mean in some self-loathing, "everyone leaves" way. I like being alone once I'm there. This move has given me the chance to be more alone than I have ever been and it was worth it to fuck that up to have been with someone who was unique, interesting and kind. Not having that unexpected connection isn't a sacrifice, it's getting back to where I wanted to be, what I came out here to do for myself.
In other words, I'm aware that I am a complete person on my own and I got drunk last night with strangers and had fun being myself.
Wednesday, May 06, 2015
Why'd you hang up on me?
Current Music: Teleprompters - The Uncluded
It is in my control how I feel.
I can feel my sadness in small amounts. Spread it out over time. I don't need to be hateful to accept loss.
Middle grounds are not where a middle child with middling skills can live for a moderate amount of time. For a small stretch, I can make this work.
I am always fine. I will be good. There is a huge amount of good in my life. I am extremely satisfied with many of my choices and I will continue to congratulate myself on my successes.
I was falling in love and it is better than it ended before I said as much. I would have done anything to make our life better and it wasn't our life I was in. It was my life and his life. Mine was better for having him but the inverse was not true. I was selfish and only taking care of me because his life was broken and incomplete. Maybe it will always be. Maybe he'll feel complete enough to share with me someday. I'm not holding any breath.
I'm mourning the loss from my life. I had someone to share intimacy with and it felt good. I would like for his life to be good for him.
It is in my control how I feel.
I can feel my sadness in small amounts. Spread it out over time. I don't need to be hateful to accept loss.
Middle grounds are not where a middle child with middling skills can live for a moderate amount of time. For a small stretch, I can make this work.
I am always fine. I will be good. There is a huge amount of good in my life. I am extremely satisfied with many of my choices and I will continue to congratulate myself on my successes.
I was falling in love and it is better than it ended before I said as much. I would have done anything to make our life better and it wasn't our life I was in. It was my life and his life. Mine was better for having him but the inverse was not true. I was selfish and only taking care of me because his life was broken and incomplete. Maybe it will always be. Maybe he'll feel complete enough to share with me someday. I'm not holding any breath.
I'm mourning the loss from my life. I had someone to share intimacy with and it felt good. I would like for his life to be good for him.
Monday, May 04, 2015
Almost nonsensical shapes
Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Tiny Vessels
Story of my fucking life.
At this point, it is painful to listen to the words that echo all the fears I have. That I am that girl, who doesn't mean a thing. That I'm deluded into believing I was of some importance.
Eventually, it will all fade away.
I don't do well with endings and it's showing. This was a 500 word story at best and I would have handled this more bitter, less sweet ending had there been a bit more plot beforehand. It's the relationship version of a murder scene, with only the most vague inkling of why he's stabbing and she's screaming.
Between sweating and crying, I'm a dried out husk.
The ice had been melting away with nothing but dried, cracked mud underneath. A trick of the light lied all winter about refreshing depths and crystal clear promises.
Story of my fucking life.
At this point, it is painful to listen to the words that echo all the fears I have. That I am that girl, who doesn't mean a thing. That I'm deluded into believing I was of some importance.
Eventually, it will all fade away.
I don't do well with endings and it's showing. This was a 500 word story at best and I would have handled this more bitter, less sweet ending had there been a bit more plot beforehand. It's the relationship version of a murder scene, with only the most vague inkling of why he's stabbing and she's screaming.
Between sweating and crying, I'm a dried out husk.
The ice had been melting away with nothing but dried, cracked mud underneath. A trick of the light lied all winter about refreshing depths and crystal clear promises.
Sunday, May 03, 2015
I always cry at endings
Current Music: Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying - Belle and Sebastian
4/9
i dont even know why im bothering with this. I was trying to be really tough and understanding because. . . well, i didn't think it would be fair if you knew just how much i didn't want you to take space from me. It's not exactly a completely foreign feeling. what i think and what i feel being so different, I can't even tell which one i should be writing. I don't even know if you'll eventually be talking to me at all. and, if you do, if this even becomes something that you'd ever even want to see. Or that i'd show you. I just can't help thinking that you're changing your mind about me. Fuck, I keep thinking that. Holy fuck that thought hurts. God, if you do read this, i'm a fucking asshole. You'll be all pissed at yourself for making me feel like this and I'm just going to be wanting you to know what fucked up shit runs through my head.
I thought about texting you a lot. I didn't even know what i would say if i had opened your texts. there was a brief hour or so where I just kept wanting to say fuck it, let this blow up if it will.
I'm mad. I'm really mad that you don't trust yourself or your feelings and that you made me feel so fucking comfortable and then switched. from, we should go balls out and just fucking do this to if we go balls out this will all blow up in our faces. and you know what, that is a valid feeling. Fuck you for doing that shit. That is just the most bullshitty thing that has ever been bull shat.
But, hey, when life gives you lemons, dont make lemonade. Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Vunc lemons.
Thats not my quote.
how the fuck did i entertain myself four weeks ago? WHY THE FUCK DO I LIKE YOU THIS MUCH AFTER THREE FUCKING WEEKS THAT SHIT IS RIDICULOUS. I was stupid to like you so much. I'm fucking emotional and ridiculous and stupid and I hate swinging back and forth.
I was very excited to meet your dogs. and house on the rock and fuck, i'm crying.
I should not have trusted my feelings. its not about trusting you, i wouldn't have even tried to trust you if i hadn't been stupid and vulnerable and lonely in a stupid new city with no friends. Fucking bullshit that if i was exactly different from you, i would not have been impressed in the least.
I'm fucking weak dude. I really want to talk to you and not in the stilted way i had to in the lobby of my work building. I have your DVD and I dont want to see you but i do and i kinda want to be dramatic and leave it at your work without seeing you. Or I could do it friday when you'll be there and just completely disrespect your space.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
5/3
And it's over. Again.
Fuck being fair. I hate being fair and reasonable. I always have to be the one who makes the adult decision and I do not want to. I have cried more this last month than I have for the entirety of the three years preceding. I'm miserable and I did this all in the hopes that I would be helping you.
I'm too present
I'm too available.
I'm too kind. giving. loving. trusting.
I had nothing here. I am an incredible woman. I will tell myself over and over again that I am someone worthwhile because I can't feel it right now. I am a beautiful woman, who is valued and cared for and cherished.
He said he didn't want to play the games. He said that my honesty and forthright nature were appreciated and desired.
He said I was pining for him and that I was too much.
He said that I was girlfriend material. He said that he was happy to be committing to me. That he wanted this badly and that I was a ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak time.
He said he faked his happiness and that he only wanted me as a friend.
I am, apparently, a very desirable friend. Frank once told me that, at the end of the day I would only have myself to count on. Frank once told me that after 25, women are on the shelf. Frank has always known that I am not the person any one will ever commit to.
APF was likely only in my arms as a consolation. I'm sure that being comforted and cared for and soothed were the exact reasons I am no longer desirable to him. I offer no chase. I am forgiving and patient. It's the women who run and tease and give chase who are worthwhile. I am dogshit.
I am dog shit each and every time.
These endings never make me feel anything but worse about myself. Despite this, I am angry at APF. His reasons were all things that he actively encouraged and supported.
I didn't fucking deserve any of this and it really didn't help my trust issues at all.
Just finished my purge of contact points. Contact, text history, call logs are all cleard so i will not have any access to his phone number. The standard Facebook removal and then the additional removal from my Wii U friendlist. The trick is to make it actually impossible to contact the person who decided that it would be funsie time to rip out your heart and then blame you for having such an exposed organ.
4/9
i dont even know why im bothering with this. I was trying to be really tough and understanding because. . . well, i didn't think it would be fair if you knew just how much i didn't want you to take space from me. It's not exactly a completely foreign feeling. what i think and what i feel being so different, I can't even tell which one i should be writing. I don't even know if you'll eventually be talking to me at all. and, if you do, if this even becomes something that you'd ever even want to see. Or that i'd show you. I just can't help thinking that you're changing your mind about me. Fuck, I keep thinking that. Holy fuck that thought hurts. God, if you do read this, i'm a fucking asshole. You'll be all pissed at yourself for making me feel like this and I'm just going to be wanting you to know what fucked up shit runs through my head.
I thought about texting you a lot. I didn't even know what i would say if i had opened your texts. there was a brief hour or so where I just kept wanting to say fuck it, let this blow up if it will.
I'm mad. I'm really mad that you don't trust yourself or your feelings and that you made me feel so fucking comfortable and then switched. from, we should go balls out and just fucking do this to if we go balls out this will all blow up in our faces. and you know what, that is a valid feeling. Fuck you for doing that shit. That is just the most bullshitty thing that has ever been bull shat.
But, hey, when life gives you lemons, dont make lemonade. Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Vunc lemons.
Thats not my quote.
how the fuck did i entertain myself four weeks ago? WHY THE FUCK DO I LIKE YOU THIS MUCH AFTER THREE FUCKING WEEKS THAT SHIT IS RIDICULOUS. I was stupid to like you so much. I'm fucking emotional and ridiculous and stupid and I hate swinging back and forth.
I was very excited to meet your dogs. and house on the rock and fuck, i'm crying.
I should not have trusted my feelings. its not about trusting you, i wouldn't have even tried to trust you if i hadn't been stupid and vulnerable and lonely in a stupid new city with no friends. Fucking bullshit that if i was exactly different from you, i would not have been impressed in the least.
I'm fucking weak dude. I really want to talk to you and not in the stilted way i had to in the lobby of my work building. I have your DVD and I dont want to see you but i do and i kinda want to be dramatic and leave it at your work without seeing you. Or I could do it friday when you'll be there and just completely disrespect your space.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
5/3
And it's over. Again.
Fuck being fair. I hate being fair and reasonable. I always have to be the one who makes the adult decision and I do not want to. I have cried more this last month than I have for the entirety of the three years preceding. I'm miserable and I did this all in the hopes that I would be helping you.
I'm too present
I'm too available.
I'm too kind. giving. loving. trusting.
I had nothing here. I am an incredible woman. I will tell myself over and over again that I am someone worthwhile because I can't feel it right now. I am a beautiful woman, who is valued and cared for and cherished.
He said he didn't want to play the games. He said that my honesty and forthright nature were appreciated and desired.
He said I was pining for him and that I was too much.
He said that I was girlfriend material. He said that he was happy to be committing to me. That he wanted this badly and that I was a ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak time.
He said he faked his happiness and that he only wanted me as a friend.
I am, apparently, a very desirable friend. Frank once told me that, at the end of the day I would only have myself to count on. Frank once told me that after 25, women are on the shelf. Frank has always known that I am not the person any one will ever commit to.
APF was likely only in my arms as a consolation. I'm sure that being comforted and cared for and soothed were the exact reasons I am no longer desirable to him. I offer no chase. I am forgiving and patient. It's the women who run and tease and give chase who are worthwhile. I am dogshit.
I am dog shit each and every time.
These endings never make me feel anything but worse about myself. Despite this, I am angry at APF. His reasons were all things that he actively encouraged and supported.
I didn't fucking deserve any of this and it really didn't help my trust issues at all.
Just finished my purge of contact points. Contact, text history, call logs are all cleard so i will not have any access to his phone number. The standard Facebook removal and then the additional removal from my Wii U friendlist. The trick is to make it actually impossible to contact the person who decided that it would be funsie time to rip out your heart and then blame you for having such an exposed organ.