Good morning

I really need something better to do with my life. Maybe someday I should go outside. I hear that things are looking up out there., Speaking of outside, I was running around town with Frankie last night. We wreaked havoc upon the city and actually did a good deed. Or four good deeds, depending and how you count it. More later. I have to go to school now.

I am so pathetic, I should just kill myself now.

My page title was "[something, something]... I hate you David like whoa" and I almost changed it to "I miss you David like whoa" which is so utterly pathetic (pothetic, lol) because he doesn't even read this anymore, either that or he is lying again. He told me he doesn't know where it is so that means he cant read it. Which is sad. I am sad about it. He knows nothing about me anymore. I hate that but I miss him. He is with that girl he made out with. With as in he wants to call he his own and he wants her more than he ever did me. And he cares about her more already. I guess I am part of all the stupid things he has done. And girls at school think I slept with him. Yeah, they do. I found that out today. I am really upset.

Yeah, I was just pretty offended by Ashley. I don't know why but it seems like nobody cares how I feel. They pretend while it is interesting but I always have to perk up and be happy again. This is really sad for me. I feel like shit now. I guess no body can deal with the fact that I am unhappy. I don't feel good. I do not want to joke around. Everybody wants me to be sensitive to their problems they tell me and even problems I don't know about but as soon as I have problem it is a joke. Every time I come to any of my friends, crying or heart broken or lonely, it is a joke. Tongue literally in cheek, I am a whore, I am impure, haha, look at me dance and writhe in pain and hurt and anger and sorrow and despair and emptiness. It is so funny. Dance again, dance again. My painted happy face is a lot harder to keep on than you know. I do try. Fuck, I put every one of my truest emotions up in a fucking website for you and still treat me like my life is a joke. I try to show you how I feel. I yell you I am unhappy and hurt to your face and continue to smile cause I cant let it out. I don't do it for you, I do it so I can look at myself and hold myself up. I try to tell you but it is still a joke. I am a slut a whore another hole for a dick. Thanks. Thanks a lot for being so sensitive to how I feel. I want to let you know, one on one how I feel but once you take it as a joke I don't even want to talk to you. I blocked you, yeah, I blocked anyone you might ask if I was still on. I blocked everyone and I sat on another SN. You are still happy, you go on with your jokes and fun. I don't affect you anymore. I am a comedian, a jester and I guess that is my fault. I must have done that. Being funny was my key to attention and I could do it. But it hurts me now. I want to talk about how alone and sad I am. How dirty I feel. How thrown away. How used. But you laugh and jest and are happy and don't want to hear it. I listened to your voicemail messages and I heard what you said. You don't care. You had a smile in your voice. You were hoping I got kicked off the net and it wasn't you. It was. I cant tell anyone how I feel. I cant show my face. I am gone to you. I am gone.

Bored out of my skull... Hateful at the moment too.

I am so full of hate, it is not even funny. I guess I use the word hate too much too. It is supposed to be saved for those situations requiring a STRONG emphasis. Who cares? Not I. Oh hey, I just found the worlds most useless tag ever. A marquee with a behavior modification. This is what it does.and that is all it does. I really have way too much time then I guess that this is now my hobby so what the hell. This is how I spend my time, this is what I do. I don't mean for it to be on the open web but I like web design and I like HTML and I like that some people can relate. I guess I am even kinda glad that some odd person wanted to insult me. I don't actually know if he meant to insult me but he left a fake email address and I see that as really stupid. I try to be polite, except when I am so fucking pissed at some one, like I was when I changed the title of my site on that bar up there. I was getting kinda sick of it just saying the title of my blog up there. I don't change my blog title so I might as well fuck around with that thing up there. Anyway, last night I spent at Ashley's house. In the morning she made me pull weeds. That was pretty fun. This huge weed signed all over me. I had plant ejaculation all over me. Oh Jesus, I know someone will search for the word jism and get my site now. Damnit all to hell. No, this is actually sorta funny. Especially the people who search for hot ren fair pictures of boobs, breasts or whatever and get my site. ALL THIS IS IS A JOURNAL. I swear... People are sick. haha, it is funny though. Anyway, back to plant jism, this huge weed just gushed out all over everything. The ground was white and it was sick. All the while i was fighting the porn-star-plant, Ashley was cutting up worms with her spade. Yeah, we treat all forms of life with respect. Well, at least I do. I'm trying to be chipper but I really am not. I am pretty torn apart. I don't know. Lately everything has been coming back and I guess I am just covering it up better and better. My grades are coming up and that means I must be just fine. I guess, though everything seems better than before on the outside, I feel more and more like killing myself. I feel like killing myself. I wont say it, or even IM it, but I do. Don't ask me about it, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to blog it. I want to feel better and I guess that that the first thing I have to do to feel better is to act like I feel better. Then, maybe, everything will get better, like my grades or mom or something. I mean, now, both of my moms are sick. Ashleys mom is almost like the source for that type of motherly love I want and now she isn't so well and I know that this in no way hurts me nearly as much as it must hurt Ashley, it does hurt. I am afraid that I will lose everything just as I can start to act normal and happy. This is so stupid. I just typed that all really fast and all of a sudden. I don't know why I get like that so swiftly. I capture it at just the right time sometimes. I guess this is why I blog so fucking much. I sit here and wait until I feel all stupid and emotional and I let myself vomit all this emotion to the web for everybody else to stare at and gawk. My whole life is a traffic incident and this is the crime scene and everybody who passes by just stares and stares, rarely, if ever, helping out. I hate that... Nothing I can do about it though. Damn mind vomit. What a gross analogy.

damn tired... i want to skip spell check today... blow me.

yeah, i dont know why i was so bugged out there for awhile. I guess i hate that somebody can completely leave me even now.

I got so good at fooling myself into believing that that will never happen again. I thought i was indispensable now. I grew up a little and now people wont be able to stop loving me all at once.

But they can. very easily it seems. and i am slowly learning that fact. i wish i wasnt.

I dont know how something can bother me so much. I try so hard to be strong. But im not. I want to be weak, somewhere, inside, i want to be weak in someones arms why they stroke my hair and hold me and whisper that it will be okay.

I want to be complete.
I want to be broken so someone can put me together.

i wish i was whole. I want to be placed high.
i want to be made complete, i want to rise from ashes.

Before you can gain anything you must first lose everything. Fight Club-ism for daily life.
Almost like Tyler Durden is here with us. Lol, i am not a freak, i just like the book.

David is happy. I dont want him unhappy with me but i dont want him to hate me. I wish i could die right now. I try so hard to kill myself and the one time i think i could i wont because i will be killing myself over a guy and i know how stupid that is and i know i can get over it but i dont really want to right now. I want him to want me more. I dont want to be the last thing. i dont want to be so unwanted forever. I am not going to be picked up from my place in my hell in my mind. I am going o be left here forever. Because of a boy.

i must be overreacting.
i hate you david. i really do
how can i give you so much of me and you can just let me be like this, you can forget me. Apparently you lost and forgot all of me. YOu dont even know where this is anymore. you dont have my SNs. You dont want me at all. I hate you so much.

If you are pretending, to make me hate you, i hate you more. I hate you lying to me again.

I was not good.

I was not right to you.

I was another mistake, a blemish, something to remove and forget.

The one fucking percent my ass. I hate you. so much

I wont show it. Why bother? why should i give you the intense pleasure of know i feel so much for you? why should you know that i hate you so much? i can keep it in, hold it, breath around it, not listen to it. I can hate you without remembering that i do.

i can hate you the whole time.

i dont want you to touch me but i wont stop you.

i want you to walk home and die on the way there of heatstroke but i will still give you a lift home.

I hate you but i will comfort you. i will say that it will be all okay when i hope your life shatters into so many pieces that you feel nothing and you want to die. you want out of the pain and the hurt and the fear and the insecurity and the SHAME the DEGRATION the nothingness that is now your insides and your whole life shatters like glass like light like pain like thoughts.

in so many shiny pieces.

Just so much feeling. I cant get rid of it. It has to change. It is changing. I hate you.

I will hate you. I dont care how long i have to hold on to this sick black pearl but i will. I will add to it, make it bigger, polish it, hold it in but you wont know. One day i will open it and give it all to you to have. And you will have to carry it.

Believe me, i will try and make it heavy. I will do it. I am starting but you dont know it. I hate you. I hate everything about you. I want to scream how stupid you are into your face every time you say something.

But i wont.

I will hold it all up for you. For so long you will entierly forget how much you hurt me and how much you put on me and how much i did for you.

Then i will hand it all over. Calmly and surely i will hand it over to you. You will take my work of months, maybe years, and have it all at once. You wont get out of it. I will use your stupid self pity against you.

you thought self pity was fool proof? oh no, my dear dear boy, oh god no.

you are nothing, you can do nothing right. Whatever you say, i will agree. You are nothing. you are NOTHING. i at least have my pain. You never took your pain for this. You were upset that i didnt still love you and that i wasnt all peachy with you tossing me in the figurative shit hole.

I hate you so much and so dearly, for as long as it shall live.

And it will live. I will nurture it like a baby. A tumor inside of my. Growing and feeding on my hate for you and for what you have done to me and for what you have taken from me. I will let it grow with every moment i see you. You will feed my hate and i will feed that to it. I will let it get so big and vile and healthy.

I hate you to the depths of all i know.

GO away. i hate you. i will keep my hate and you will not know. You dont care, remember? You wont know i can hide. I can do it for a long long time. i will hate you in my way because everyone else doesnt care. Nobody will ever do anything to get you away from me. Ashley will talk to you, you will still hang out during breaks... you will be there but i will pretend but i will hate you. so much. SO much, so much it hurts me more.

In that good, hair pulling, slashing my wrists, cutting my thighs way.

i hate you like i hate self destruction.

i just gotta have it.

My Ass... Make that Dr. My Ass PhD.

Man, doctors are so full of shit. I don't really understand anything that they say and I am pretty sure that that is the point. The psychiatrist is the worse, then the psychologist and lastly my pediatrician. I'm sure that, once I have one, my gynecologist is going to be full of shit too. And of course, since he was a BIG problem for me, they all make me talk about David and what happened with it and they ask me if he made me do anything I didn't want to do and all this happy crappy about what happened there. I just want to forget about it. I want to move on.

(NOTE TO ASHLEY! I think I figured out what one of the things I told you about on the night means. Not the first or the last of the things but the one thing with the thing between me and the guy where after we do our thing the new guy comes in and asks if he can do a thing with me. I think it means I can have a better thing with a better guy if I just get over the thing and the things that happened during the thing. That there are better things and guys and things to have. Cause we both know that the late guy who has to go is better than the guy with the thing. I hope nobody else can understand that. If you really want to know, IM or email me and I will explain, if I feel like it)

Back to whatever, I was out yesterday and for 5th and 6th period in school just to see all these doctors and such for medication. I am getting the Zolof or something. The one with the sperm-y (or Strong Sad's head) guy in the commercial. Yeah, I have never been on anything like that before. I have met people who were, I have talked to them and I have thought to myself that I know what it is like. I think I may have told someone that I have been on prozac but I haven't. I have never been on anything before. I am kinda worried/scared/relieved/anxious. I have no idea what to expect. I have never been in this situation I guess it want to. I don't want to kill myself because David doesn't like me anymore. I want to be normal and have normal mood swings. I definitely want to stop pulling my hair. Especially pulling my hair because of dreams and David and classes and high school in general. The normal high school mistakes that only bother most kids for a month or so last me for a lot longer. I thought I could help myself by telling everybody and myself that I was totally over him. I thought I acted it out very well. It did help me but I guess I wanted to be his friend I know now that that will never happen. He lies to me, he treats me like his ex-girlfriend and I think he is trying to think of me like that. He talked about her a lot and the other day he told me I should dye my hair purple. He wants me to be Kelly. I guess he wants to hate me. I guess I have no choice. I want him to leave then. I do not want to have to look at him all the time know he wants me to be gone. I cant leave my friends. I cant do without them, especially now. I need them for this. I cant do it alone no matter how much David wants me gone. I don't know why he had to lie to me and to deceive me and to treat me like utter shit now. I wish I had never met him now. I wish I had never. I wish I had never let him convince me that I was pretty or kind or important to him. I wish I had never let this happen to me. I wish it had happened to someone else. I wish I was as good as anybody else. I cant compare to any of his other girls. I wish I was special. I wish I was unique. I wish I was not just the same decaying organic matter as everything else. Why did I let myself think I was more to somebody else. More than just an opinion, a witty remark, some good advice, an encouraging word or two. I wish I was more. I wish I was more than that to someone who would hold me and keep me safe and to love me. Nobody wants to. Everybody just wants to use me for advice and to take from me. Nobody wants to give me anything. I am nothing. I am so unimportant. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish I was more than just a toy. I wish I was something more. I wish I was yours. I wish I was gone from here when you tore me down. I know now what did wrong but no more. You again have someone better than me. You want her. She was good enough for you to want to call yours. No matter how much he (you, whatever) said that he liked me, I was never good enough to be his. Never. I wish I had never. I bet he wishes he had never. He said I was the one percent of things he had done right in life so far. Everything else was a screw up and that I was special and right in his life. It was all bull shit to the greatest extent. I am the one wrong thing. Everything else was right and worthy and all that. I was not. I am the rouge factor. The wrong the mistake. I am the wrong part. I am the bruise. I am the forgotten. Put me in an oubliette and forget I ever happened. Labyrinth, oubliette, I am sure that everything is forgotten by him. I was nothing and it is easy to forget something that is nothing, doesn't matter. He was important to me. I wanted him to be happy. I was happy when I was with him. He mattered a lot to me. I tried so hard to put everything behind me. I didn't want it to be a joke but neither did I want to think of it as something serious. I want to forget so bad. I tried so hard. But I have to try harder. Everything, everything, I wish everything was gone. I wish I was able to change it. I wish he didn't think that what I did was so unimportant. It wasn't. It was a big deal to me. It was so important, such a big deal in my mind. But to him, it was nothing. It was so small, unimportant. Nothing. I was nothing. I am nothing. I need to forget all of it. I don't want to have to think so much of somebody who wants me gone. I wish he would leave. I wish he was gone. I wish he would go away. I want him gone. I don't want him to try and make me go away. I was here first. He came with Kelly. I want him gone to leave me to grieve for myself. I want to be able to get it out. I cant do this. I cant do this. I cant do this at all. I don't want this. I cant do this forever. I don't want to be here. I want to be gone. I want him gone. I want to be done. I wish it was over but it is not. It is not over at all. For me it is not even close to over. For him it is all closed and done with and he is finished. On to the next girl. I thought I was important. I thought I was unique. I am the same decaying matter as everything else.

Lobsters... *shiver*

"All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears--of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required."
----Dave Barry

*yeah

i know that my last post has some mistakes... sorry.

This is so strange. Lately I don't really want to blog so much. I am kinda forcing myself to now. I don't feel so good. People are bitching at me. Some are taking what I say in my blog way too seriously. I don't know why. This all sucks. Life seems to feel like shit lately. I thought I explained how my blog is kinda like concentrated Crista. Take whatever I say with a grain of salt please. More for your sake than mine. I know what I mean when I write. You don't. I wrote just the same as when nobody read my blog. Now you all do and you try and pin me with what I say. DON'T! Stop, you cannot take what I say here and use it against me. You can not do that. Nobody can take what I say here and use it to try and hurt me. I never said my life was worse than yours, I do not give a fuck if you feel I am unfair in here. I probably am but it is my blog so you can fuck off. You can think whatever of me. And in the situation of Heather in particular, when did I say you had a perfect life? When? I don't get why the hell you tripped out. I never said I don't except you. I was talking about how I make it better for me. I never said I don't care about you feel, all I said was you didn't care that it bothered me. Apparently I have no right to feel left out. You have a great boyfriend but you have to have the affection of every other guy too. You can't let me feel special or pretty or important ever. You always have to make me the background of your importance. And you twist it around so you can say I don't care about you and that I ignore you. I don't. When did I? Why do you have to make everything something you didn't do? You admitted that you lied about me to save you own ass. I was around first but I have to look like the bad one. I have to be the one in the wrong. Will you always lie about me to make yourself seem better? What have you already said about me so you can get what you want? Fuck,. How many people do you lie to about me? I don't know, I guess I never will. It hurts me so much yet nobody cares. You don't care, you just don't want guilt. How can you blame what I said before on me? I had about two sentences and you took it out and made it seem like I wrote an attack against you. Nobody seems to understand how often I am hurt. Especially just by the littlest things. I guess (or some other day on the hesitancy. Something recently happened.) I am totally over David but the fact that he lied to me so often kinda bothers me. But then I guess that it was the right time for him with the right girl who was not me. Ashley doesn't think she is so hot but wow... She is. I saw a picture for a few seconds today and damn. I don't know if he was joking about hooking me up but he said she had a twin... Nice. She looked really blonde... Not exactly my type of girl, but oh well. I still don like all of his lies to me. I guess I am overly sensitive sometimes, especially when it comes to things like romantic (not that there was ever any romance) relationships. Last time I was the one to close it and it didn't hurt as much or have much of a hangover because I had a chance to think about it. This all sprung up then sprung away. Please hold back all sexual jokes for that line. Thank you. I try to be happy but sometimes it seems like everyone wants to bring me down. I don't know why but it seems that way sometimes, almost all the time. Well, I'm talking to Ashley right now. I have to tell her some stuff now. Late.
CMaZ

gone are the days. . .

. . . that i would write in here just for me. The days that i didnt even bother with spell check. That i could be as weird as i wanted. Annoying, alone, reading. Gone are those days.

Homecoming is coming.... Hide the children

I am going to the homecoming game with Heather, Pieter, Daniel, George and Willie. Should be fun in that school spirit-y way. So, essentially, I should end up having a terrible time. Oh well, I knew it would happen someday. I would be thrust into the fucking epicenter of school activity. Woe is me. I don't really want to go but I will because Heather asked me so many times that I know it is important to her. I don't know why but it is. It is just a stupid fucking game just like all the other stuped games that have occurred over the years. Said "Hi" and chatted a little with an old friend who I haven't talked to in years. We knew each other back in middle school, especially during eight grade. We both sat at a table with another girl who was really cool and another white boy named Michael. After we graduated middle school we said, Oh, no need to say a sob goodbye, we will see each other in high school. And that was it. I don't know what happened but we lost touch completely. But it was left on good terms so no problem now except for the guilt that I never did anything to keep any sort of friendship up. Oh well. I guess that is what happens. I need to go help mom now, I will try and blog again later.
CMaZ

Gonna do what I please, Gonna spread this disease.... Because I wanna.

I may be actually using Kazaa for once. Maybe. I *might* download this awesomely great song by the Pixies called Where's My Head. It was the last song that played on Fight Club. When shit is blowing up and Marla is holding the guy's hand. Man, I wish I could realize I love a guy whilst buildings explode and he isn't wearing pants.... Okay, that pants thing is all that required... In fact, I would frown upon it. Lol, you know me, I wouldn't mind. YEAH RIGHT! I am so pure it is funny. Far purer than Ashley Kimura.... Yeah , you know it. I am ridiculously pure for my age. So innocent minded and such. Okay, I *didn't* download that really great song by The Pixies. I really like that song. I can so see the scene in Fight club when I hear it. And then I remember Tyler's tank top from those last few scenes. If nobody noticed, it was a collage of porno movies.
Man, I posted that part if the post to be safe in case I lost it and I have lost the second part of this twice now. Both times it turned out very different from how I thought it would. The one I just lost right now was a lot of self pity. A LOT of self-pity in fact. I have to go do some Homework. And I have to sleep eventually. You know us crazy kids... Never sleep. Oh yeah, both times and now I have to mention that I might be going to the freaking homecoming game. Football. With George and heather and possibly Pieter and all those guys. I don't know the details but I am assuming that Pieter and all of them will be going. I hope so. I am kinda uncomfortable with only heather and not Pieter. In places like that. Where there are other guys. I try not to mention it too much because I don't want to cause anything but Heather flirts with guys... A lot, especially guys I point out first even though she has a boyfriend. It always makes me so fucking insecure and like I should just tell her to rip my fucking heart out already, seeing as how she doesn't care whether she hurts me or not. Man, and I did have a good mood. I guess I never really blog about the good things people are. But I doubt I would want to look back and read just happy fake crap I wrote to make all my friends happy. La di da di da, this is all like swimming in my own crap. I am not saying anything new, Hell I could just repost all my old crap and I doubt it would be much different. Man, I feel kinda sick. If I fucking got mono from somebody, I am going to kill. Morgana said that it is only transferable through body fluid but I don't think so. You can be contagious with it and spread it without kissing or something along those lines. Oh yeah, I thought I had better say because I know some dumbass is going to IM me or Email me and say that the title of this post is not by the Pixies... I KNOW! I just like how it sounds, the lyric for the title, and I think that that song is pretty cool, even though those are the only words from it I remember. I do not want to get "friendly" emails about my "mistake." you know it's bull, I know it's bull... Lets just not pretend kiddies. Anyway, I am done ranting and I wish to go to bed. Night.

Man, this day totally rocks. I mean, I am so happy right now. The reason why? David helped me get over him, completely and totally. Well, he didn't know he got me over him. But he did. It was one second "I really like him, do I want to hear this?" then the next "Haha, what a FREAK! I guess if that is what he likes. Cool." It started today when I was standing where we all hang out and David turns to me and says "it hurts when you bite but this weekend, DAMN, this girl hella bit my arm and it fucking HURT! And my ear... And my tongue." I was asking him how she bit his tongue and he wouldn't say so, of course, being me, I keep asking and he tells me its a long story and to ask him online. Later, after lunch ends I ask him again, not sure if I really want to hear that he has this wonderful girlfriend or something. Well, he tells me this long, drawn out version of his story that ends up with this dominatrix, juaggalette chick holding him down and making out with him. While he was telling the first part of the story I was just a little put off, you know, because he told me he still liked me when he broke things off before [DAVID: YOUR NOT screwed up there is NOTHING wrong with you DAVID: I want you as a Friend DAVID: and I DO like you] and that "DAVID: if I hadn't had such a bad time in a previous relationship I would have wanted us to be more than just friends but bad experience has taught me so I wanted to take time away DAVID:so you were never the problem" but, by the time he finished I was happy about it. Not that he had lied to me before but happy that I didn't care. I didn't care that he didn't like me, I didn't care that he met someone else or that we would never be together. All in a space of about two minutes. It was awesome. I guess I just realized that he didn't want a relationship with someone like me and I didn't really want to be with someone like him. That was the type of relationship and the type of girl he wanted, some dominatrix, seriously sadomasochistic chick who likes ICP. That is not me. And the type of guy I want is a nice, funny, reasonably mature guy who understands me and knows how to talk to me and how to treat me. We both want such different things yet I was chasing after him like he was the best thing to ever happen to me. Guy wise, he was probably the second worse. I need to find a guy like Morgan except in my age group. Either way, I am so happy. Heather and Ashley were happy too. They noticed right off after class let out that I was happy for the first time in ages. I told both of them about my revelation. Heather must have hugged me five times and Ashley couldn't believe it. I guess I'm just happy because I figured it out. And now that I finally got over that, I can move on and find someone else. Someone who really does care about me that way. No, I am not going to go back to Morgan. I want to keep that road closed off. Oh man, my outfit is SMOKIN today. I got my Vans zip-off pants, a long sleeve black shirt and my Warning tee (red). AH! I'm still happy. I feel like I don't have to deal with it anymore. It works too because the other weekend, the one I spent over at Ashley's, I was telling her that I know I don't need a guy, just David made me happy. Now I see, it wasn't David, it was just that I felt wanted. I was wrong, I did need a guy to be happy for a while there. But once I stop caring about him that way, BOOM! I don't need it anymore. I know I am cared for by Ashley, Heather, George and Pieter and Daniel. I know David still cares about me as his friend I do care about him too. But I doubt he really cares that much at all, I mean he never tried to help me with anything... Ever. I'm glad to get it all out of the way. And I need not move on to another guy. I don't even think any of it really hurts me anymore at all. I'm fine. I'm better than fine, I am actually really good. Yeah, I guess I would be just peachy.

CMaZ

Just keeping the Peace

I had a few large posts this week already so I will keep this one short, I hope. Today was boring. I made cake for Morgana and I am going to go make cookies for George. I feel like baking. I also feel like going and watching all my Matrix videos. And this Tuesday I am going to go get The Matrix Reloaded on DVD. I have to go see Kill Bill. George is still talking about how cool it is. I will sit Ashley down, make her watch Pulp Fiction, then take her and Steven to go see Kill Bill. It is such a perfect plan. There is no way I could fail. My last plan, to get rid of Grant, worked. Actually, it was mostly Heather's plan. But we did it together and I think it worked. We can only hope. I feel all melancholy. I just kinda want to go cry and back cookies and stuff. I do weird stuff like that sometimes. I wake up sometimes and I want to charcoal something or bake a cake or make jell-o. When I cant go do one of those things I end up pulling. Which is why I have been wearing my hair in the granny style. Nobody has been online this weekend. I have nothing to do! I caught up on all my crap that piled up and now I have nothing left to do. I guess I had best go and bake those cookies for George. Late
CMaZ

More ranting of the insane (inhumane?)

I slept for so long today. I woke up, ate pancakes and went right back to sleep. Okay, I vacuumed for mom but that was it. I was woken up by Morgana and her friend Tina later in the evening. I am going to go back to sleep as soon as I finish catching up on all this internet stuff I have to do. I cannot believe how fast this crap piles up when you aren't looking. Email up the ass. I never realized because I check my email like, every half hour because I am always online. I am so happy I have my computer back. This is such a joyous day. Though I am really lonely still. Morgana is trying to tell me that I can still go to a UC after I graduate. That is so shit. I could not. I screwed myself over royally. I told her what my plan was before my GPA hit 1.38. I wanted to go to UC Berkeley, live in a dorm and work on campus. I wanted to get a scholarship based on my writing too. It will never happen now. I am going to live a boring, mundane life. Nothing will be special about me and I will never be remembered. It is really sad to me. I guess you don't care but I feel it leaving me, my future. I saw it, I knew what I wanted to do in two years. But it is gone. I see nothing. Just at home living and minimum wage. Who knows where I am going to go to school. I want to. I think I have to. I don't want to live at home. I can't. I can't deal with all the crap I get at home. I am blamed for everything. I hate Annie. Mom hates me. I do not like living at home. I wish I was cooler and could spend more time at other people's houses. I wish I had a boyfriend who liked me enough to tell his parents about me. Then I could just always go to his house and be free from all the crap I have to endure here. I like my family, I just don't like living with them. I am pretty sure that the feeling is mutual. I really want to live in a dorm. I want to have my first real sexual experience with... You know, with sex. I want to turn twenty-one and go out with buddies and get drunk as all hell just because I can. Hell, that might happen before I turn twenty-one. I want to live in a dorm. I want to look back at my fully independent college days. The days where I grew away from my family and started to grow into what would be my family. I want to go to Creative Literature class and meet a man who feels the same way I do about everything. I then want to meet this man again the next day in Journalism class. I want to be free. I want to be crazy and happy. A college kid. I want to go out with this guy and be mature and adult and I want to love him. If I loved enough, maybe he could party with me. College is supposed to be the final extension of high school, where everything is grown up and your high school sweetheart becomes your fiancee.
Where you learn how to be an adult. Learning how to be an adult doesn't mean you have to be one already. That would undermine the whole point of learning how. I know I am immature. I like being immature. I don't want to grow up yet. I already have to try and act as young as my age. High school, for me, is immaturity lessons. David always told me about Kelly. He always told me that she wanted him to let her grow up. I always thought that I wanted to be young with him. I wanted to let go with my hormonal teenage self. I guess he wanted to be mature, to prove he could or something. I guess he wanted someone more like Kelly again. I want to be young now and old later. I don't want to look back and wish I had grown up later. You cant go back and become young again. I try everyday. I have to. Sometimes I can fool myself. I act immature as often as I can. I don't want to think and know that I am done growing up. I would have no reason anymore if it was true. Why grow up if you already have? I hate that I was so isolated from way early on that I had no choice but to grow up. I could go out and play and be a child. I was a teenager in 5th grade. I had a college reading level in 7th grade. I started to read by myself at around three years old. I wanted to read and that was what killed me. You can live life by reading. You experience that which you never could. I grew up with all of these story characters. I learned from them. I understood morals. I guess I have died too. I know how to be old. I lost my virginity in my mind. People who have done these things, sex, death, love, loss, have described everything about it. They told me, they play a videotape of it in my mind, full audio and tactile sensations. I know. I do. I know everything about everything about life. Everything but myself. I guess that that sounds pompous. I guess you can argue that I don't know until I experience it for myself. I would say that these people who do say that don't know what it is like to feel a book. To really understand all about the character. To know so much about the person that you know what they would do in any other situation. You become them. You are in their mind. When they feel some emotion fill every particle of their being, you feel it too.
Or maybe I just lack the social skills to want to do something myself so I pretend to know through books. Morgana once told David that I must masturbate because I know so much about sexual pleasure. I know because I have felt it in my mind. I know how to describe it because it has been described to me. I can put my own spin on it because I am my own person. Think about when you hear a song about fear. Fear of anything. The song doesn't even need words but for my example, lets say that there are lyrics. While this person is (screaming, moaning, singing, saying) these verses about huddling in the corner while mom is screaming, you feel it too but not how they did. You feel your own fear, fear of it happening to you. You can imagine how you would feel, react, respond. It is in your mind now, this experience. With books, it is like this but even more so because you live in the moment instead of just observing it. Becoming. I want to go to college to live it for myself. To compare and contrast and to be my own person rather than a collage of my readings. I want to have everything out for me to try. I am sick of holding myself back. When I have a problem in a relationship I pine for what I do not have. I need to move on if it is really over. I hope it isn't. I was really happy with David even though we weren't with each other. I was happy with Morgan too, but he was helping me to be older than I am. I don't want to be older than 16. I do not want to be 22, 46, 98, or anything but 16. I want to live like I am. I know I cant forget what I know. But I can live like I have forgotten. I can live like I don't know that nothing will last forever and I probably wont see anyone from high school ever again. I know that I probably wont get to be Ashley's or Heather's children's Godmother. But I can forget. And I can talk about how I will corrupt their children. I can talk about where I will take them and what I could buy them. I can forget I know that I will die someday. I can forget that I know that I may die and accidental death before I can graduate. I can forget that I know that my whole life is not going to be how I want it to be. I can forget about how I will probably make love to someone for the first time with someone I don't really love and who I wish I had never met. Nothing is static, everything is falling apart. I should probably watch Fight Club again. It makes me want to give up and hit bottom so I can finally get back to what I want to do. Hell, maybe I could just hit bottom so I know I can. To get somewhere in life that only few will go. How can I get anywhere I want to go if I have never had to work hard in my life. If I have always gotten everything I have ever wanted given time. I didn't have to do jack shit and I got a computer, cell phone, designer pants and as many books and CD's as I want. I don't even know how to hit the bottom. I would not know where to start. But even the guys in Fight Club had graduated high school. They had all reached that level where they worked jobs they hated to get enough money for the things they didn't need. But no movie should determine how you want to live your life. I am being ignorant and desperate for an answer. Also, a lack if hormonal outlet. Morgana offered to make-out with me but I told her no. Not like I need any more hormones.
Man, this is a huge post. I would not bother to read it. It is far too large for its own good. It may just collapse on itself and die. I doubt anyone will really read all the way through it. I should just put naked gay men in the middle of it so people at least try and read it. I know I would just skim through it and pretend I had read it all. I hate to read big fat blog posts. Except for my own. I like to read my own posts. I think I am a lot more profound in hindsight. I don't remember half the crap I write. That is probably why I quote myself so often. People can quote me at me and I will ask "who said that?" But then, I am an idiot sometimes. I try so hard to be everything. But then, almost ironically, I end up nothing. Well, not that I can say "end up" seeing as how I am not dead yet. If I was to die now, I would be nothing. There, that works better. Otherwise, I assume to know how I am going to end already. I know how it feels to end but I have yet to actually do that. Not for lack of trying. I guess I get a "C" for effort. Want to know what an "A" would be? I think they should just let some people go. I should probably let this post go too. This is really far too long and now I am just rambling for the sack of rambling. I hate being all alone like this. I hate having one-sided feelings. I hate being a pity case. I hate feeling like I don't matter. I can deal with the two former if I don't feel the latter. And I want to go see Kill Bill volume One. George said it was really cool. I already had to see it because I loved Pulp Fiction but now I really want to see it. And the Cubs are still doing good the last time I checked. So all of that superficial crap is good. I just need to figure out a way to straighten all that other crap out with myself. And I need to write some more stories. Mom was trying to get me to write something for children just to get me back into fiction rather than journalism. Maybe I could make a big crappy book out of all of this some day. Man, if all of this somehow got lost, I would cry so hard. I want to keep this forever. Maybe it could make someone else's shit a little easier to go through. Help someone find a solution to a problem they have. At least let someone laugh at my idiocy. I am fully aware that there is lots to laugh at in that respect. I have to post more lyrics up here. And of course they are by Everclear. Without some of their music I would be far more lost than I am now.


Out Of My Depth
Out of my depth
Lost in the air
Falling faster
Like a broken elevator

Out of my depth
Lost in the dark
Waiting for the other shoe
To come down hard

I cannot communicate
Like I wish I could

I do not deal with my problems
Like I know I should

I am out of my depth
I am out of my league
Watching everything...just
Slip away from me

Something bad is
going to happen
I can feel it deep inside
There are shadows
all around me
Like a bad moon on the rise

I am in over my head

I am in too deep here
over my head

I guess I should keep my
opinions to myself

I guess I am out of my depth

Out of my depth
Right from the start
I feel like I was born
With an invisible heart
Out of my depth
Seems like everyday
I can't find the words
To make the good things
Come my way

I feel like I am faking it
I feel like I am wrong
I feel like I'm a guest
...like I just do not belong

I am out of my depth
Every single day
I just cannot find the words
To make my monsters go away

Something bad is
going to happen
I can feel it deep inside
There are shadows
all around me
Like a bad moon on the rise

I am in too deep here
over my head

I should seek
some professional help

Because I'm out of my depth

Yes, I'm out of my depth

And I am slowly going
out of my mind

Oh, go away
Make them go away
Someday I know
I will make them go away
Make them go away
Make them go away
Someday I know...I will make
my monsters go away

I am in over my head

I should seek
some professional help

I should keep my
opinions to myself

I guess I am out of my depth

I am out of my depth

Yes, I am slowly going
out of my mind

CMaZ

I know this post will piss someone off

This is me and how I feel somewhat. I posted this once, long long ago. About someone else... Yeah, yeah, I am a normal teenager when it comes to how easily I give my feelings up to a guy that shows, has showed or might be showing any interest in me. I finally figured out how to get this link to open up with you having to go to the site and clicking the link there. This will open up in its own JavaScript window [UPDATE: it doesn't. It will take up the whole screen but believe me, it is worth it]. You love me and you know it. My god this site has so many protections against copyright infringes. I hope they don't mind me making this link. They kinda tried to prevent people doing what I did to get this. Using "Copy shortcut", which is what I tried to do, gave you "JavaScript:;" so I guess I shouldn't have done this. I don't think I did anything wrong. If I did... Contact me. I had a good talk with Ashley at the track about why I may still like David. I don't know if what we said was good or bad but it did help me to think about what I was feeling in an objective manner. He did not treat me very good, why would I want to continue that type of thing? He is not any of the things I look for in a guy except he is a nice guy who is my friend. I should not pursue this at all anymore. I know this now. Thank you Ashley, you have no idea how much I love you. Mind you it will be a little while before I stop moaning and whining about David. I still do like him but I know I need to stop. This one sided thing is not good for me. And I know that now. I know that it is one sided and that it is hurting me. It only took me forever to figure that out. I mean, he doesn't like me and I think that he may still have a thing for Ashley. Doesn't everybody have a thing for Ashley. I don't blame him. How can a guy not be attracted to Ashley. I, as a, for the most part, straight girl, recognize that she is really attractive. Of course David is going to like her more. Probably wishing that I was Ashley while we did anything. Maybe he is really good at pretending.
MY GOD!!! STOP THE SELF PITY! I'm stopping now. It is all pretty much true in my mind but still. I don't have the right to say those things. Sorry. Anyway, I am lonely. So I am lashing out. No, I don't mean lonely as in I am alone. I mean lonely as in I had hormonal flood gates opened. Then all my action was abruptly cut off. I am lonely in that use of the word. Just so you know. If you happen to be a guy I know from my school who happens to want me (yeah right) find me and say so. I need a make-out buddy. David can do whatever the fuck he wants. If he wants to pine after Ashley, great, doesn't every other male on the planet do that anyway? He can go ahead. I am not going to kill myself trying to get his attention. I could never compare to Ashley, I am not going to try.

Rejoice

YAY!!! I got my computer back, I am on it right now! I am so happy. I have so much to do now. I have so many sites I have to check now. I am so glad to have Bomb Dizzle back.

Like losing my baby... My baby that knew everything and sang me to sleep

My comp is so dead it is not even funny. Right now I am on Frankie's computer. I hate having to use computers other than my own. We are going to call warranty today to see if they will fix it. Frankie says that what probably happened was that my motherboard blew. So I hope everything turn out fine. I was out last night, it was pretty fun. Actually, I had a lot of fun. Everything went awesome. Me, Amanda and Ashley ate sop much food it is not even funny. We ate ridiculous amounts of food we don't need. Most of this is because we went to Fresh choice for lunch with Farin and everybody. Man, all you can eat has new meaning after we went there. And soft serve ice cream. Man that stuff rocks. Anyway, I have a stomach ache now. Those skinny Asian girls can eat a lot. I best not try and keep up with them next time. Going to see Amanda race was hella fun too. Me and Ashley just sorta walked and sat around watching but for some reason we were enjoying ourselves. So it was all good. Amanda came in first and third on her races. So much fun yesterday. But now I can't use my computer and my stomache. I would say it was all worth it. I am going to go find something else to do. All this computer crap is starting to ruin my day. Please, pray for Bomb Dizzle, he was only a few months old and if we can not get him back I will be devastated. Thank you.

This was done at school.... School computers wont let me post. So here is ts

Life totally sucks for me now. I think I may have broken my computer because I accidentally put the headphone jack into a USB port. I am really upset too because I did this while finishing the post right below this one. I didn’t get that published last night because the stupid computer thing. So it is published for you now. It is mostly more of the same whining and bitching because I don’t get everything I want in life. You understand. Anyway, I'm in Mr. Dries class again. He is so the coolest teacher ever. And he is hella funny. This man rocks. He deserves medals and such. I love his class, it is just too funny. Well, I’m guessing David didn't read my posts from before. HE is still just being all... normal. I guess that this is good. I don’t want to ruin everything. But it is hard, as you all know. It is hard to deal with all of this. And this keyboard is nowhere near as cool as mine. Man, I love pop-tarts. These are the food of the gods. Strawberry frosted. Why bother with anything else? Man, David, this sucks. I hate this. I hate being so school girl crush about this. And Pieter was being an asshole. I don’t know why he must be like this. He told me he doesn't love me, doesn’t hate so I am guessing that he is indifferent to me. I guess it hurts me that everybody loves Ashley more than they like me. Ashley is so... egh, loved by everybody. I am just on the side. Even David liked Ashley. He didn’t like me until he found out he could get something from me. SO I am unimportant to everybody. I guess I was right at first, I dot really matter. Never have and maybe I never will. I guess I always thought of Pieter as a close friend. I always thought that he would be there for me. But I guess not. He just sees me as a passing friend. Nothing important. ARGH!!! I should stop wallowing in my self pity. I have a good life. Ashley and Heather love me. I don’t need anybody. It is juts nice to have to company, you know? I hope you do. We all go through stuff like this in life and these days, with everybody and their mother having more problems than I do, I really shouldn’t complain. Whenever I say I have a problem, I have something wrong with me, people will turn around and tell me that they have it worse and they know people who have it worse and my life is comparatively perfect. That is so mean. I hate to hear that type of shit. I hate to have to think that my life feels this bad to me and I really have nothing to complain about in their minds. I do have a reason to be how I am. I just don’t want to tell everyone about what has happened to me. Sometimes it slips out and someone new finds out about it but not often. I don’t share my whole life with everyone. I try not to. I try to do a lot. I try and stop a lot too. I don’t know if I want to stop liking David. I guess I really don’t. If I did want to stop, do you think I would have? I guess. I am so tired of everything. I have to do my fucking blog from my Bio class. I really have nothing better to do but this. I guess I really don’t matter to anyone at all. I just thought I did for so long. AT this point I am pretty much dragging this post along for the sake of boredom. I have nothing else to do. Nobody talks to me and I don’t want to talk to them. Not really at least. There is one guy in the class who seems pretty cool. Bryan Thill. I remember his name because, while passing out papers in class, I kept forgetting his name and I said I would remember. So I did. Of course. I always try to do what I say I will. Hell, I got Amanda's blog running in less than a day. Template and all. I did it. So she has a blog too now and I got it all up and running because I said I would. I think the bell may ring soon. I should probably spell check this now and get going. Or I can wait and be late to Socio. Hmm, Mr. Cava can wait. Not for long though, he kinda scares me. And I think we have to take more notes today. So I think I will wrap this up now. Oh yeah, after school today, I am going out with Amanda, Ashley and maybe Farin's crew. It is Farin's birthday today so we may go out to eat with her because Farin is bomb dizzle. I love that girl. She is so funny and nice and all. I miss being loved. I wish I could go back to it. Any way. Later.

She falls apart
Might as well
Nothing is wasteful.

Continuing from before... read that other shizzy first

Okay, recap. I hate myself. I like David a hell of a lot more than i know i should. I know he will read this and hate me. I have to say how i really feel before i kill myself or at least try again. I dont understand my attraction to him either, you are so not alone on that. But then i don't understand why he liked me at first either. I am not pretty, smart, nice, cordial or anything. I just am. Ashley likes my "slidy word thingyso i will never use it again. That is probably the stupidest and the oldest tag ever created. Uber stupid. I need some more HTML tricks. All of mine are getting old. Anyway... im just distracting myself from David. I am so lost in my own mind. I know i like him. I know that.

Alone and dizzy in the closet

I found a way to sit in my closet, like I used to do when I was young. Whenever I was mad or sad or even sorta depressed, I would go into the closet and sit in the dark. This is actually not as odd as it sounds. A lot of younger children do this as a way to deal with stress. I guess I should stop this now, as I am 16 years old. But it is nice, you know, the dark and the quiet and it gets kinda warn in there, closed space and all. Okay, part of some song lyrics are going in here. Everclear, Normal Like You;


I get closer
to the place inside
where I can be complacent

I get closer
to the place inside
where I can be sedated

I get closer
to the place inside
where I can be normal too

where I can be normal like you
maybe normal like you

I can be normal like you

I don't want to be
normal like you

I know that seemed random to you, most likely at least. But I do feel that way sometimes. Happy on the outside of the world. I am slowly beginning to like myself again. Nobody seems to understand that I don't just snap out of my funks. I hate myself after it is over too. But I am getting better. Thank you so very much. David is still confusing the almighty hell out of me. I hate liking guys more than I hate guys. I think that would be the way to put it. I don't hate guys. A lot of my really good friends are guys. I do not hate them. I hate having a crush. Okay, not really a crush, I guess. I don't swoon over pictures of him. I just know that for some inexplicable reason, I like him. We don't really have much to talk about, he is shorter than I am, burps in public (okay, so do I), dresses oddly, odd colored hair (that is actually really soft. At least I think so) and he is somewhat rude and loud. But I like him and when I think of him, it doesn't seem so bad. It seems really cute and sweet and all. I still like himbut I don't think I want to still like him. My friends say I can do better. But I don't understand that, if I was the one who could do better, why was he the one to cute everything off with me. I don't understand. I know he reads my blog and I guess I wanted that because I'm being really honest right now. I want to be with him, if I can be. I don't know how long it would last, I really don't care, but I want to kiss him again. I want him to hold me and brush away the hair in my face. I am pathetically love sick and lonely. Man oh man. I am so jealous of what Ashley has. Not that I want what she has, I just wish I was cared for. I have never had the ability to get boyfriedn after boyfriend to love me so much. I'm not really good with guys at all. Never have been and I doubt I ever will be. I guess David will read this and hate me and ignore me EVEN MORE but that his what he will do. At least I will know I was honest. I hate high school. Less I hate high school, more I hate all the drama that is associated with high school. But then again, I do like drama, sorta, is the weird love/hate way. If I didn't have any drama, it would mean that nobody cared about me or what I do. David doesn't seem to really care. He doesn't want me to hang around him, he doesn't talk to me and he ignores me on AIM. I think I may be making far too big of a deal out of this. Mostly because it could all be in my own head. But maybe not. I just want him to like me again. I don't know what I did to make it so easy for him to become completely indifferent of me. I try so hard to not let him know how much I like him. I have to fight myself so I don't kiss him like I used to. Not easy to do when, for some reason, we all start to wrestle and he ends up holding me down or when he fights me for my hat and I am face to face with him. One time I had to put my hand in front of his face so I wouldn't do it. I hate myself for this. I have to get it out or get over it. I don't know if I really just want to get over him. Some people can do that but not me.

Damn it... Dinner I will finish when I get back

Pity me... please... I miss David... and Ashley

My life blows. I swear to god. My cycle is getting shorter. Way shorter and way fast. I just got out of one dip and already I know one is starting up again. My nails are gone. Already. I chewed them down to the quick. It hurts like all hell to type. I hate my life right now I don't think I want to go to school but I know I have to. I have to give opening and closing statements at the mock trial and I have a bio test. I have to do the study guide for that still. As I said, I hate my life. And I hate everything about my life. I hate the people, the places, the memories, the events, everything. I hate it all. I don't want to be me. I hate being me. If I wanted to be me I would have asked. But I didn't I am and I only know one way to get out of that situation. I don't really care about all that school stuff. I don't really care about the people I would screw over if I didn't go to school tomorrow. But I know, thanks to goddamned values and shit, that I should do what I have to. Not like anybody cares anyway. I could skip for weeks at a time and most people would not notice. I know that the people I care for the most would get along just fine. I affect, have affected and will affect nothing. Hell, I doubt my family really notices me in any more but passing. I am shit. Nobody bothers to listen to me or to try and help me when I am in enough of a right mind to ask. I hate everything about my life. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I look. And I hate how nobody cares that their insults and indifference hurt me. It hurts a lot. It stabs me deep down because these people are talking shit about me right in front of my so-called "best-friends" yet nobody sticks up for me or acknowledges that I am hurt. I guess people will say that I should shut the fuck up, the world is a tough place and I had best learn how to deal. Well, I guess that that is true but it does hurt me that these people who supposedly love me the most don't care. What will the people who don't love me do? Is the whole world indifferent to me? I am I really nothing to nobody? Does this really surprise me? I feel my throat tightening and my nose sniffling and my eyes squinting but does it really mean that much to me? I have always been nothing but an amusement to anybody. Not even my grandfather cared about me. No grandmother ever held me. My parents never went out of their way for me except to cover their own asses. I am ignored. I do not matter. I bring nothing to anything. I am unimportant. Michael could give not one shit less about me. The last thing he said to me? "see you in two years" and he left. I was reminded about this the other day. And he doesn't care about that either. He cried when he had to leave Ashley. What is it about Ashley that I don't have, you know, other than everything? Oh great, the real crying begins. I'm such a whiney shit. Why is Ashley so much better than me and why is she so loved and cared for and I am hated and excluded. And why can Ashley tell me she loves me so much yet doesn't care about me? She laughs at all those jokes thrown at me. Everybody laughs and points and knows that it doesn't matter. I don't matter. If I don't matter then neither do my feelings. I am nothing but a useless, ugly, broken toy. I will sit and rot and molder and nobody minds. I matter not. I have no purpose and my dirty used stuffed body can no longer be used for fun. So you toss me out, give me away. Nobody wants me. I can mould away in some corner in some room where nobody goes. I matter not to anybody. Nobody cares anymore. I was once in the spotlight. I was once loved and I felt good and warm and I felt loved. It was fake everything about it was fake and fleeting and ever so cruel. I think that hurts most. I can imagine how wonderful it must be to be loved. Just a glimmer of what some people have is enough to make me feel wanted. But I don't have that. Never for long. I am not important enough to be paid full attention. I am nothing. I am infectious human waste. I am nothing special or unique or beautiful. I am shit. I am the shit of the earth. Nobody wants me for me. They want me for something. And I, being so fucking pathetic and craving whatever attention I can get, give those people what they want. I write letters and I comfort people when they need it and I try and give good advice and help people find direction. Nobody write me letters. Nobody tells me that they want me and like me and think I am cool and pretty. That has never happened to me. I get nothing. I ask for advice and I get, do what you think, talk to the person, you are special. Then they walk away. I guess it must be really easy to walk away from me. I cry more when I talk about Ashley. That makes me feel how ugly and stupid and insignificant I am, to have a comparison. Everything I can never be. Ever thing I will never have, acceptance, real friends, love, care. All of it I never get to have. I get a sample to have it taken away just so I can know everything I am missing. I can't even say that I don't care that I don't get love or even a guy who care, because I do care I do miss it and I hate it. I hate that it affects me. I hate Morgan for letting me know what it feels like to be cared for. I hate that now I am alone, again. I am always so goddamned alone. I hate high school. I hate life, I know I will. I hate all of it. I hate all of that which I can no longer have. I hate David for all that shit, for making me feel wanted only to throw me aside, for confusing me and for keeping me tagged along. Trying to keep it so I wanted him in case he ever wanted to hit off of me again. Wouldn't want him to have to slum it like that again. Yeah, I always make fun of Kelly and Rachel and Vanessa and such. Turns out, oh yeah, that they are better than me. I am lower than low. I am so forgotten. Nobody cares about me. Heather would never want to give up Kelly for me. Nobody cares enough about me to give up anything for my sake. Fuck, Ashley can't even give up grant's jokes. He happiness and laughter is more important than my self esteem, by sanity and my feelings. If I don't matter then why in hell would I think that my mind would? Ignorance on my part there. I am so stupid. I cant do anything. I have nothing. I am nothing. I will never be anything. I am just. Here. Here, no matter how often I try to leave. And we all know that my anger is disturbing to all of you so you will try and get me over this so you can continue merrily along with me dragging behind you. You want me over this so you can ask of me. I am not worth anything to be put into me so you have to try and get all that you can out of me. You want to forget that you hurt me. Not like I matter enough to actually help me. You just want to push me over this and that until I just fall down, out, off. Until you can finally know I am gone. I was barely worth the effort to get anything out of me. I was not worth it. You hate me. Why didn't you just let me go. Why do you all pretend? Why do you want to hurt me so much? Why are you all going out of your way to hurt me? Why is it so fun for you to hurt me? I hate me. I hate my life. I want to leave.

put it in the past

Why is it always so hard for me to express how I feel? I can say stuff that nobody else can in such a straightforward manner that other people are shocked. But when it comes to me, on the inside, it all of a sudden becomes impossible to express. I think that that is the source of all my emo turm. I feel like just crying because I have no idea what to do with myself. And, yes, this does have a lot to do with a guy, I am so fucking stupid. It is over but he can still be the source of so much goddamned confusion. Morgan never made me fell unwanted. He never made me want to be dead. He stopped me from that. He leveled me out. He kept me in balance.
Enough about that. Enough about Morgan. That is all the past and I don't need to ever think about it ever again. David is in the past too. Unfortunately, he doesn't care how I feel or that I still liked him so he would do whatever he wanted. Making me think somewhere that I still had a chance but I didn't. He just wanted me to still like him. He wanted me to still be trailing about behind him. I cant get over a guy if I can still smell him on my clothes. I like that smell, but I know it isn't good to be pinning about a guy who could care less about me that way. All I need is space to get over him. How am I supposed to get over something if it surrounds me and is all everywhere. It's not like he needs to leave or anything. I just can't let myself hold on to vapors like that. I need to let go of what isn't there.

School woes and Limetastically good

What a boring week. We had block scheduling which is always a pain in the ass. And I have to work with this disgusting perv of a guy, Grant, as we are both public defenders in our history class mock trial. I dislike this guy to such an extent. He insults me constantly and is a general annoyance to everyone. David is gone for the weekend and I think I may be spending tonight at ashley's place. Man, I think the most awesome thing is the world is lime anything. Serious. Lemon/lime soda is the bomb and I am having my first ever bowl of lime sherberet right now and it is great. So nice and cold and refreshing. Another plus, it is green. And we all know green rocks. Oh man, yesterday I said, really loudly, "I am a gay man" and David looked at me, looked away and I think he was sorta sick. Lol, not really, but he was pretending and such. I am so easily amused, as always. Man, oh man, I love lime. Lime is the official fruit of my religion, Ashtaisim, I want weekly, no, daily offerings of lime products made to me. And hard limes to be thrown at Ashley, seeing as how she is Satan to my God. Man, lime... mmmm, I love it now. I am more and more in love with it as I write about it. Damn, I have the sinking suspicion I am falling for David again. I don't think he wants me though, so I had best stop myself before I cant. Must stop it before I am the one to ruin the friendship. I know that if I kept liking him and my feeling were still one sided then I would ruin it. There is no way around that. I would ruin everything. You know you would be creeped out just a little if the girl you were finished with kept on liking you no matter what. I would be the enegizer bunny of crushes. So sad is me. Sad as in pathetic. If only I had a gun. Suffer the little children. Man, that was obscure. Only I know what I meant by that, I think. You guys always surprise me, so I had best not say anything. Hell, I didn't even know some people read my blog until they started to quote me at me. Ridiculous. And now people I don't know read my life and understand me more than I do. It is crazy. Not bad, just crazy. I am absurdly proud of this though. I like having a voice. I like knowing that I matter to more people than I know. It is one of those deep down good feelings. My opinion has power to sway more than those in my immediate area. Fabulous. Makes me want to dance. *dances* Go me. And you, because I obviously love you. BYE!
Take care
CMaZ