I slept for so long today. I woke up, ate pancakes and went right back to sleep. Okay, I vacuumed for mom but that was it. I was woken up by Morgana and her friend Tina later in the evening. I am going to go back to sleep as soon as I finish catching up on all this internet stuff I have to do. I cannot believe how fast this crap piles up when you aren't looking. Email up the ass. I never realized because I check my email like, every half hour because I am always online. I am so happy I have my computer back. This is such a joyous day. Though I am really lonely still. Morgana is trying to tell me that I can still go to a UC after I graduate. That is so shit. I could not. I screwed myself over royally. I told her what my plan was before my GPA hit 1.38. I wanted to go to UC Berkeley, live in a dorm and work on campus. I wanted to get a scholarship based on my writing too. It will never happen now. I am going to live a boring, mundane life. Nothing will be special about me and I will never be remembered. It is really sad to me. I guess you don't care but I feel it leaving me, my future. I saw it, I knew what I wanted to do in two years. But it is gone. I see nothing. Just at home living and minimum wage. Who knows where I am going to go to school. I want to. I think I have to. I don't want to live at home. I can't. I can't deal with all the crap I get at home. I am blamed for everything. I hate Annie. Mom hates me. I do not like living at home. I wish I was cooler and could spend more time at other people's houses. I wish I had a boyfriend who liked me enough to tell his parents about me. Then I could just always go to his house and be free from all the crap I have to endure here. I like my family, I just don't like living with them. I am pretty sure that the feeling is mutual. I really want to live in a dorm. I want to have my first real sexual experience with... You know, with sex. I want to turn twenty-one and go out with buddies and get drunk as all hell just because I can. Hell, that might happen before I turn twenty-one. I want to live in a dorm. I want to look back at my fully independent college days. The days where I grew away from my family and started to grow into what would be my family. I want to go to Creative Literature class and meet a man who feels the same way I do about everything. I then want to meet this man again the next day in Journalism class. I want to be free. I want to be crazy and happy. A college kid. I want to go out with this guy and be mature and adult and I want to love him. If I loved enough, maybe he could party with me. College is supposed to be the final extension of high school, where everything is grown up and your high school sweetheart becomes your fiancee.
Where you learn how to be an adult. Learning how to be an adult doesn't mean you have to be one already. That would undermine the whole point of learning how. I know I am immature. I like being immature. I don't want to grow up yet. I already have to try and act as young as my age. High school, for me, is immaturity lessons. David always told me about Kelly. He always told me that she wanted him to let her grow up. I always thought that I wanted to be young with him. I wanted to let go with my hormonal teenage self. I guess he wanted to be mature, to prove he could or something. I guess he wanted someone more like Kelly again. I want to be young now and old later. I don't want to look back and wish I had grown up later. You cant go back and become young again. I try everyday. I have to. Sometimes I can fool myself. I act immature as often as I can. I don't want to think and know that I am done growing up. I would have no reason anymore if it was true. Why grow up if you already have? I hate that I was so isolated from way early on that I had no choice but to grow up. I could go out and play and be a child. I was a teenager in 5th grade. I had a college reading level in 7th grade. I started to read by myself at around three years old. I wanted to read and that was what killed me. You can live life by reading. You experience that which you never could. I grew up with all of these story characters. I learned from them. I understood morals. I guess I have died too. I know how to be old. I lost my virginity in my mind. People who have done these things, sex, death, love, loss, have described everything about it. They told me, they play a videotape of it in my mind, full audio and tactile sensations. I know. I do. I know everything about everything about life. Everything but myself. I guess that that sounds pompous. I guess you can argue that I don't know until I experience it for myself. I would say that these people who do say that don't know what it is like to feel a book. To really understand all about the character. To know so much about the person that you know what they would do in any other situation. You become them. You are in their mind. When they feel some emotion fill every particle of their being, you feel it too.
Or maybe I just lack the social skills to want to do something myself so I pretend to know through books. Morgana once told David that I must masturbate because I know so much about sexual pleasure. I know because I have felt it in my mind. I know how to describe it because it has been described to me. I can put my own spin on it because I am my own person. Think about when you hear a song about fear. Fear of anything. The song doesn't even need words but for my example, lets say that there are lyrics. While this person is (screaming, moaning, singing, saying) these verses about huddling in the corner while mom is screaming, you feel it too but not how they did. You feel your own fear, fear of it happening to you. You can imagine how you would feel, react, respond. It is in your mind now, this experience. With books, it is like this but even more so because you live in the moment instead of just observing it. Becoming. I want to go to college to live it for myself. To compare and contrast and to be my own person rather than a collage of my readings. I want to have everything out for me to try. I am sick of holding myself back. When I have a problem in a relationship I pine for what I do not have. I need to move on if it is really over. I hope it isn't. I was really happy with David even though we weren't with each other. I was happy with Morgan too, but he was helping me to be older than I am. I don't want to be older than 16. I do not want to be 22, 46, 98, or anything but 16. I want to live like I am. I know I cant forget what I know. But I can live like I have forgotten. I can live like I don't know that nothing will last forever and I probably wont see anyone from high school ever again. I know that I probably wont get to be Ashley's or Heather's children's Godmother. But I can forget. And I can talk about how I will corrupt their children. I can talk about where I will take them and what I could buy them. I can forget I know that I will die someday. I can forget that I know that I may die and accidental death before I can graduate. I can forget that I know that my whole life is not going to be how I want it to be. I can forget about how I will probably make love to someone for the first time with someone I don't really love and who I wish I had never met. Nothing is static, everything is falling apart. I should probably watch Fight Club again. It makes me want to give up and hit bottom so I can finally get back to what I want to do. Hell, maybe I could just hit bottom so I know I can. To get somewhere in life that only few will go. How can I get anywhere I want to go if I have never had to work hard in my life. If I have always gotten everything I have ever wanted given time. I didn't have to do jack shit and I got a computer, cell phone, designer pants and as many books and CD's as I want. I don't even know how to hit the bottom. I would not know where to start. But even the guys in Fight Club had graduated high school. They had all reached that level where they worked jobs they hated to get enough money for the things they didn't need. But no movie should determine how you want to live your life. I am being ignorant and desperate for an answer. Also, a lack if hormonal outlet. Morgana offered to make-out with me but I told her no. Not like I need any more hormones.
Man, this is a huge post. I would not bother to read it. It is far too large for its own good. It may just collapse on itself and die. I doubt anyone will really read all the way through it. I should just put naked gay men in the middle of it so people at least try and read it. I know I would just skim through it and pretend I had read it all. I hate to read big fat blog posts. Except for my own. I like to read my own posts. I think I am a lot more profound in hindsight. I don't remember half the crap I write. That is probably why I quote myself so often. People can quote me at me and I will ask "who said that?" But then, I am an idiot sometimes. I try so hard to be everything. But then, almost ironically, I end up nothing. Well, not that I can say "end up" seeing as how I am not dead yet. If I was to die now, I would be nothing. There, that works better. Otherwise, I assume to know how I am going to end already. I know how it feels to end but I have yet to actually do that. Not for lack of trying. I guess I get a "C" for effort. Want to know what an "A" would be? I think they should just let some people go. I should probably let this post go too. This is really far too long and now I am just rambling for the sack of rambling. I hate being all alone like this. I hate having one-sided feelings. I hate being a pity case. I hate feeling like I don't matter. I can deal with the two former if I don't feel the latter. And I want to go see Kill Bill volume One. George said it was really cool. I already had to see it because I loved Pulp Fiction but now I really want to see it. And the Cubs are still doing good the last time I checked. So all of that superficial crap is good. I just need to figure out a way to straighten all that other crap out with myself. And I need to write some more stories. Mom was trying to get me to write something for children just to get me back into fiction rather than journalism. Maybe I could make a big crappy book out of all of this some day. Man, if all of this somehow got lost, I would cry so hard. I want to keep this forever. Maybe it could make someone else's shit a little easier to go through. Help someone find a solution to a problem they have. At least let someone laugh at my idiocy. I am fully aware that there is lots to laugh at in that respect. I have to post more lyrics up here. And of course they are by Everclear. Without some of their music I would be far more lost than I am now.
Out Of My Depth
Out of my depth
Lost in the air
Falling faster
Like a broken elevator
Out of my depth
Lost in the dark
Waiting for the other shoe
To come down hard
I cannot communicate
Like I wish I could
I do not deal with my problems
Like I know I should
I am out of my depth
I am out of my league
Watching everything...just
Slip away from me
Something bad is
going to happen
I can feel it deep inside
There are shadows
all around me
Like a bad moon on the rise
I am in over my head
I am in too deep here
over my head
I guess I should keep my
opinions to myself
I guess I am out of my depth
Out of my depth
Right from the start
I feel like I was born
With an invisible heart
Out of my depth
Seems like everyday
I can't find the words
To make the good things
Come my way
I feel like I am faking it
I feel like I am wrong
I feel like I'm a guest
...like I just do not belong
I am out of my depth
Every single day
I just cannot find the words
To make my monsters go away
Something bad is
going to happen
I can feel it deep inside
There are shadows
all around me
Like a bad moon on the rise
I am in too deep here
over my head
I should seek
some professional help
Because I'm out of my depth
Yes, I'm out of my depth
And I am slowly going
out of my mind
Oh, go away
Make them go away
Someday I know
I will make them go away
Make them go away
Make them go away
Someday I know...I will make
my monsters go away
I am in over my head
I should seek
some professional help
I should keep my
opinions to myself
I guess I am out of my depth
I am out of my depth
Yes, I am slowly going
out of my mind
CMaZ
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