Pity me... please... I miss David... and Ashley

My life blows. I swear to god. My cycle is getting shorter. Way shorter and way fast. I just got out of one dip and already I know one is starting up again. My nails are gone. Already. I chewed them down to the quick. It hurts like all hell to type. I hate my life right now I don't think I want to go to school but I know I have to. I have to give opening and closing statements at the mock trial and I have a bio test. I have to do the study guide for that still. As I said, I hate my life. And I hate everything about my life. I hate the people, the places, the memories, the events, everything. I hate it all. I don't want to be me. I hate being me. If I wanted to be me I would have asked. But I didn't I am and I only know one way to get out of that situation. I don't really care about all that school stuff. I don't really care about the people I would screw over if I didn't go to school tomorrow. But I know, thanks to goddamned values and shit, that I should do what I have to. Not like anybody cares anyway. I could skip for weeks at a time and most people would not notice. I know that the people I care for the most would get along just fine. I affect, have affected and will affect nothing. Hell, I doubt my family really notices me in any more but passing. I am shit. Nobody bothers to listen to me or to try and help me when I am in enough of a right mind to ask. I hate everything about my life. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I look. And I hate how nobody cares that their insults and indifference hurt me. It hurts a lot. It stabs me deep down because these people are talking shit about me right in front of my so-called "best-friends" yet nobody sticks up for me or acknowledges that I am hurt. I guess people will say that I should shut the fuck up, the world is a tough place and I had best learn how to deal. Well, I guess that that is true but it does hurt me that these people who supposedly love me the most don't care. What will the people who don't love me do? Is the whole world indifferent to me? I am I really nothing to nobody? Does this really surprise me? I feel my throat tightening and my nose sniffling and my eyes squinting but does it really mean that much to me? I have always been nothing but an amusement to anybody. Not even my grandfather cared about me. No grandmother ever held me. My parents never went out of their way for me except to cover their own asses. I am ignored. I do not matter. I bring nothing to anything. I am unimportant. Michael could give not one shit less about me. The last thing he said to me? "see you in two years" and he left. I was reminded about this the other day. And he doesn't care about that either. He cried when he had to leave Ashley. What is it about Ashley that I don't have, you know, other than everything? Oh great, the real crying begins. I'm such a whiney shit. Why is Ashley so much better than me and why is she so loved and cared for and I am hated and excluded. And why can Ashley tell me she loves me so much yet doesn't care about me? She laughs at all those jokes thrown at me. Everybody laughs and points and knows that it doesn't matter. I don't matter. If I don't matter then neither do my feelings. I am nothing but a useless, ugly, broken toy. I will sit and rot and molder and nobody minds. I matter not. I have no purpose and my dirty used stuffed body can no longer be used for fun. So you toss me out, give me away. Nobody wants me. I can mould away in some corner in some room where nobody goes. I matter not to anybody. Nobody cares anymore. I was once in the spotlight. I was once loved and I felt good and warm and I felt loved. It was fake everything about it was fake and fleeting and ever so cruel. I think that hurts most. I can imagine how wonderful it must be to be loved. Just a glimmer of what some people have is enough to make me feel wanted. But I don't have that. Never for long. I am not important enough to be paid full attention. I am nothing. I am infectious human waste. I am nothing special or unique or beautiful. I am shit. I am the shit of the earth. Nobody wants me for me. They want me for something. And I, being so fucking pathetic and craving whatever attention I can get, give those people what they want. I write letters and I comfort people when they need it and I try and give good advice and help people find direction. Nobody write me letters. Nobody tells me that they want me and like me and think I am cool and pretty. That has never happened to me. I get nothing. I ask for advice and I get, do what you think, talk to the person, you are special. Then they walk away. I guess it must be really easy to walk away from me. I cry more when I talk about Ashley. That makes me feel how ugly and stupid and insignificant I am, to have a comparison. Everything I can never be. Ever thing I will never have, acceptance, real friends, love, care. All of it I never get to have. I get a sample to have it taken away just so I can know everything I am missing. I can't even say that I don't care that I don't get love or even a guy who care, because I do care I do miss it and I hate it. I hate that it affects me. I hate Morgan for letting me know what it feels like to be cared for. I hate that now I am alone, again. I am always so goddamned alone. I hate high school. I hate life, I know I will. I hate all of it. I hate all of that which I can no longer have. I hate David for all that shit, for making me feel wanted only to throw me aside, for confusing me and for keeping me tagged along. Trying to keep it so I wanted him in case he ever wanted to hit off of me again. Wouldn't want him to have to slum it like that again. Yeah, I always make fun of Kelly and Rachel and Vanessa and such. Turns out, oh yeah, that they are better than me. I am lower than low. I am so forgotten. Nobody cares about me. Heather would never want to give up Kelly for me. Nobody cares enough about me to give up anything for my sake. Fuck, Ashley can't even give up grant's jokes. He happiness and laughter is more important than my self esteem, by sanity and my feelings. If I don't matter then why in hell would I think that my mind would? Ignorance on my part there. I am so stupid. I cant do anything. I have nothing. I am nothing. I will never be anything. I am just. Here. Here, no matter how often I try to leave. And we all know that my anger is disturbing to all of you so you will try and get me over this so you can continue merrily along with me dragging behind you. You want me over this so you can ask of me. I am not worth anything to be put into me so you have to try and get all that you can out of me. You want to forget that you hurt me. Not like I matter enough to actually help me. You just want to push me over this and that until I just fall down, out, off. Until you can finally know I am gone. I was barely worth the effort to get anything out of me. I was not worth it. You hate me. Why didn't you just let me go. Why do you all pretend? Why do you want to hurt me so much? Why are you all going out of your way to hurt me? Why is it so fun for you to hurt me? I hate me. I hate my life. I want to leave.