Current Music:The Books - A Little Longing Goes Away
I am so sick of things right now.
I just got finished telling the few people I care at all about how important to me they are and that I'm sorry to them about being the stupid, irrational thing I am and now I find myself wanting to get away from all but two of them. One of whom I barely see once a week and the other who doesn't even know what sort of crisis I went through.
I'm so bloody alone and I wish I knew why I end up like this. I wish I knew a way of making myself stop wanting people at all. I am becoming violently irritated with my best friend and I don't know why. It shouldn't be bothering me, I act much worse than that sometimes, but. . . fuck, I don't know. It feels like I cant say the right thing to anyone anymore. Everything I say ends up so. . . I don't know, wrong, stupid, flat, boring, unnoteworthy.
I'm becoming a nothing again and I really don't like it. I can usually understand why some people might like me. Most the time I'm kinda witty and a pretty reliable person. Like this I just don't feel like talking and I don't want to see anyone.
I hate having to put up with any and everything when I'm like this. I hate having everything I say feel awkward and stupid. I hate having nothing to say at all. I hate how even when I do say something, it is not worthy of reply at all.
I'm just another stupid girl, looking for another stupid thing to keep my stupid mind occupied. I am not intelligent, I am not special, I am not worth it. And being told otherwise is so aggravating because it means nothing to say something like that to someone. According to anybody, everyone is going to be somehow smart or special. Being grouped with that sort of person makes me angry. But I will just have to get used to it.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
And I know you're dreaming of your future
Current Music: Elseworth - For My Next Trick I Will Set Myself on Fire
I.am.bored.with.life. There is nothing left for me. I have no desire to do anything or, even, everything. I'm sick of this living habit I picked up. A junkie for new experiences. Call it withdraw from that but I don't want to be alive anymore.
I don't care about the things I thought I wanted to do before I died, I really don't anymore. Disappointment follows my steps, dogging each thing I wished for.
I feel like my head is too full to accept even one more thought and then something else happens and I have to deal and on and on and on. I try to explain this feeling but I'm so alone with it. I feel like such a burden on the people who still call me friend as it is, I don't know how I keep justifying holding these wonderful people down.
Morbid as it might be, I kinda wish there was such a thing as the Battle Royale. I know that the Program is the "evil" acting in the story, but I think that I could benefit from the game right now. Even if I died. I know, my state of mind, or anyone's for that matter, is worth the lives of 41 children and the sanity of the 42nd. With so little focus, it is hard to keep in mind what really matters.
I doubt I would have the time to be so down about everything if I wasn't so well off. It's selfish and stupid and petty for me to always be feeling this way. I just can't shake these feelings though. It's . . . It's really crap. I'm crap. I'm an awful person and I don't know how to fix it without faking everything about who I am.
I.am.bored.with.life. There is nothing left for me. I have no desire to do anything or, even, everything. I'm sick of this living habit I picked up. A junkie for new experiences. Call it withdraw from that but I don't want to be alive anymore.
I don't care about the things I thought I wanted to do before I died, I really don't anymore. Disappointment follows my steps, dogging each thing I wished for.
I feel like my head is too full to accept even one more thought and then something else happens and I have to deal and on and on and on. I try to explain this feeling but I'm so alone with it. I feel like such a burden on the people who still call me friend as it is, I don't know how I keep justifying holding these wonderful people down.
Morbid as it might be, I kinda wish there was such a thing as the Battle Royale. I know that the Program is the "evil" acting in the story, but I think that I could benefit from the game right now. Even if I died. I know, my state of mind, or anyone's for that matter, is worth the lives of 41 children and the sanity of the 42nd. With so little focus, it is hard to keep in mind what really matters.
I doubt I would have the time to be so down about everything if I wasn't so well off. It's selfish and stupid and petty for me to always be feeling this way. I just can't shake these feelings though. It's . . . It's really crap. I'm crap. I'm an awful person and I don't know how to fix it without faking everything about who I am.
Monday, February 20, 2006
The cold air will brush your hard heart away
Current Music: Alkaline Trio - We've Had Enough
Christ on a cracker, I NEVER, in a million years, would have guessed I would run into her again. Erin was such a brief friendship. Her mom though. . . Jesus. Okay, back when I was friends with Erin, I hung out at her house occasionally, not too often because her family was one of the few with more problems than mine. Her mom was a very large woman. Sweet, always kind to me (I think cause I am fat and was about as fucked in the head as her) and a little short-tempered but I great lady. She was working at Target today. I did not recognize her at all. I kinda had that feeling like "dude, I totally know this person" but the face just isn't clicking with a name. And when she first said "Erin" I thought she meant "Aaron" and I figured she thought I was Annie since she mentioned that I looked taller (fucking genes, I have no clue when I'm going to stop getting taller, I'm fucking 18 for christsakes). It clicks and I'm thinking, Holy shit, she must have lost more than 150 pounds and gotten hold of some SERIOUS happy pills. This woman look great, beautiful really, she had shrunk into her small frame. Honestly, it felt really good to see that she was doing well and the hear that Erin and her were getting along finally. Now Erin is on meds too, like me and her mom. Yeah, dysfunction just isn't so special when it is really all you've ever known.
Christ on a cracker, I NEVER, in a million years, would have guessed I would run into her again. Erin was such a brief friendship. Her mom though. . . Jesus. Okay, back when I was friends with Erin, I hung out at her house occasionally, not too often because her family was one of the few with more problems than mine. Her mom was a very large woman. Sweet, always kind to me (I think cause I am fat and was about as fucked in the head as her) and a little short-tempered but I great lady. She was working at Target today. I did not recognize her at all. I kinda had that feeling like "dude, I totally know this person" but the face just isn't clicking with a name. And when she first said "Erin" I thought she meant "Aaron" and I figured she thought I was Annie since she mentioned that I looked taller (fucking genes, I have no clue when I'm going to stop getting taller, I'm fucking 18 for christsakes). It clicks and I'm thinking, Holy shit, she must have lost more than 150 pounds and gotten hold of some SERIOUS happy pills. This woman look great, beautiful really, she had shrunk into her small frame. Honestly, it felt really good to see that she was doing well and the hear that Erin and her were getting along finally. Now Erin is on meds too, like me and her mom. Yeah, dysfunction just isn't so special when it is really all you've ever known.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Time has accelerated and I've done nothing to mark its passage
Current Music: The Juliana Theory - This is Your Life
Oh yes. . . Oh god yes. Just back home from Borders. Basically, my mother is trying to buy her way back into my good graces. . . Again. I swear, I keep ending up with friends who are like my mother, but they are still good people. Just. . . hard to agree with. For whatever reason.
ANYWAY, bought some good stuffs that I've wanted for a while. The next Deathnote (danke Gaboon) manga, number four, was begging to be purchased. So was the untranslated number five but even I have limits. And a book in a language I can't read is just barely over the line. But I wanted it anyway. The Ghost in the Shell comic that I have wanted since ages ago. I know, I know it is just tits and ass but it is really well rendered and colored tits and ass. Bought Freakonomics for Frankie, which he will leave in the bathroom and I will finish reading before him. He knows this but. . . Oh well. I've been re-reading House of Leaves since. . . Well, there is never really a way to understand this book. The guy took ten years to write it and it really shows. I get to the parts where Navidson will be frantic and running and the pages will only have 5-20 words and I'm flipping, frantically, to find out what happens. It is. . . Very very well done.
I got a lip balm, finally, that I can actually stand. No color in it, not shiny or glittery or some other crazy shit that I do not need on my face. Just a nicely flavored balm. Got it in this Jones Soda valentines gift someone gave me. Came with two bottles of Love Potion #6, the lip balm of the same flavor and a CD of artists I don't really care about. Romantic music. . . Never really been my style.
Oh fuck, that completely reminded me of bloody The Juliana Theory. Bastards just broke up. Way too bloody sad. I read about it, of all places, on their MySpace. They were one of the few bands I listened to that were still together, me and my super emotionally charged emo bands. Those guys never last.
uhm. . . Nothing else right now. Akim, sexiness is not spelled with a 'y'. I would have thought you would know that.
Oh yes. . . Oh god yes. Just back home from Borders. Basically, my mother is trying to buy her way back into my good graces. . . Again. I swear, I keep ending up with friends who are like my mother, but they are still good people. Just. . . hard to agree with. For whatever reason.
ANYWAY, bought some good stuffs that I've wanted for a while. The next Deathnote (danke Gaboon) manga, number four, was begging to be purchased. So was the untranslated number five but even I have limits. And a book in a language I can't read is just barely over the line. But I wanted it anyway. The Ghost in the Shell comic that I have wanted since ages ago. I know, I know it is just tits and ass but it is really well rendered and colored tits and ass. Bought Freakonomics for Frankie, which he will leave in the bathroom and I will finish reading before him. He knows this but. . . Oh well. I've been re-reading House of Leaves since. . . Well, there is never really a way to understand this book. The guy took ten years to write it and it really shows. I get to the parts where Navidson will be frantic and running and the pages will only have 5-20 words and I'm flipping, frantically, to find out what happens. It is. . . Very very well done.
I got a lip balm, finally, that I can actually stand. No color in it, not shiny or glittery or some other crazy shit that I do not need on my face. Just a nicely flavored balm. Got it in this Jones Soda valentines gift someone gave me. Came with two bottles of Love Potion #6, the lip balm of the same flavor and a CD of artists I don't really care about. Romantic music. . . Never really been my style.
Oh fuck, that completely reminded me of bloody The Juliana Theory. Bastards just broke up. Way too bloody sad. I read about it, of all places, on their MySpace. They were one of the few bands I listened to that were still together, me and my super emotionally charged emo bands. Those guys never last.
uhm. . . Nothing else right now. Akim, sexiness is not spelled with a 'y'. I would have thought you would know that.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
When victims at yon altar's foot we lay?
Current Music: Copeland - When Finally Set Free
Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Krista weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.
Anything not needed anytime. . . soon, i guess. It can wait. Too much stress right now. I just want to deal with it anymore.
Scarcely containing other things there. . . anger, shame, pain, so on so forth
Actually, keeping in my. . . emotions, loneliness, needing, so on so forth
House of Leaves makes me kinda want to hide messages in some of my sentences.
I will never find out everything in this book.
Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Krista weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.
Anything not needed anytime. . . soon, i guess. It can wait. Too much stress right now. I just want to deal with it anymore.
Scarcely containing other things there. . . anger, shame, pain, so on so forth
Actually, keeping in my. . . emotions, loneliness, needing, so on so forth
House of Leaves makes me kinda want to hide messages in some of my sentences.
I will never find out everything in this book.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
I hope you can save me
Current Music: Funeral for a Friend - Bend Your Arms to Look Like Wings
This whole driving my sister places and picking her up is kinda annoying. Whatever. I just really dislike her bloody friends. All of them. Except Valtiera. She is cool.
Today is Valentines Day and I'm going to be running errands all day for mom. Super romantic, I know.
The worse part is that I know what it is like to be loved and I gave it up for this.
This whole driving my sister places and picking her up is kinda annoying. Whatever. I just really dislike her bloody friends. All of them. Except Valtiera. She is cool.
Today is Valentines Day and I'm going to be running errands all day for mom. Super romantic, I know.
The worse part is that I know what it is like to be loved and I gave it up for this.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Kneeling to the northern lights
Current Music: Hole - Boys on the Radio
Okay. . . I have finally finished putting in my webcomic links. Next up, a list of random but fun sites I visit.
amazingly tired.
goodnight
Okay. . . I have finally finished putting in my webcomic links. Next up, a list of random but fun sites I visit.
amazingly tired.
goodnight
Sunday, February 12, 2006
I ask and you smile
Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - We Looked Like Giants
Wicked awesome game of vampire on Saturday. On my way home Annie called, needing a ride from some Denny's way out on the other side of town. Picked her up and, of course, she assumed I wanted to drop off her friend as well. Blegh. Whatever. Her friend wears WAY too much cheap perfume and she stinks up everything. I kinda want to smack the two of them and tell them to stop worrying about boys and relationships and just deal with school, you're stupid enough as it is. But, whatever. Fucking breeders.
I read a pretty good fanfic for Battle Royale about Mitsuko and Kiriyama. Too bad it would never have happened with the characters the way they are but, whatever. It's always cool to read about two really hot kids getting it on then killing their classmates. You know. For me, I guess.
Seriously, this old layout constantly reminds me off all the stuff that happened back with Ashley. I was practically posting everyday and yeah. Lots of bad stuff. But I like the colors enough to bring it back and I get free photo hosting from blogspot for the graphics on this layout. Lots of love to the blogger/google amigos.
I'm constantly worried about Anna this last weekend. I swear. My brother tells me that once she understands what I am standing up for, not standing against, she will apologize. He also tells me that if I go begging for her to be my friend again, he won't talk to me for months. Akim, oddly enough, said essentially the same thing. Gabe, I think, just really, really, wants everyone to get along so we can all play Vampire and Orpheus. You have to respect the single mindedness. I just hope things don't go badly with Anna and her boyfriend. I mean, I have the worst feeling that it will, though I could never tell her because then I would be victim to "religious fanaticism" but, whatever. I just don't want to see her hurt, which is funny since she says she is more immune to that sort of pain than I am. If she is though, it might explain why she hurts me so often without noticing. Godspeed and may things work out well, despite my ill sense of foreboding.
And, since I am kinda a huge loser, dice_pool is our livejounal community for our chronicles. I'm currently working on re-telling our quests in order. I thought, you know, when I started that I would be able to do a whole night in a post. Then I realized that I was barely finishing the first quest and I had typed two pages of solid text without breaks. I don't know if anyone really cares to read that sort of thing, but it is there. The community is moderated but anybody can view our entries.
Wicked awesome game of vampire on Saturday. On my way home Annie called, needing a ride from some Denny's way out on the other side of town. Picked her up and, of course, she assumed I wanted to drop off her friend as well. Blegh. Whatever. Her friend wears WAY too much cheap perfume and she stinks up everything. I kinda want to smack the two of them and tell them to stop worrying about boys and relationships and just deal with school, you're stupid enough as it is. But, whatever. Fucking breeders.
I read a pretty good fanfic for Battle Royale about Mitsuko and Kiriyama. Too bad it would never have happened with the characters the way they are but, whatever. It's always cool to read about two really hot kids getting it on then killing their classmates. You know. For me, I guess.
Seriously, this old layout constantly reminds me off all the stuff that happened back with Ashley. I was practically posting everyday and yeah. Lots of bad stuff. But I like the colors enough to bring it back and I get free photo hosting from blogspot for the graphics on this layout. Lots of love to the blogger/google amigos.
I'm constantly worried about Anna this last weekend. I swear. My brother tells me that once she understands what I am standing up for, not standing against, she will apologize. He also tells me that if I go begging for her to be my friend again, he won't talk to me for months. Akim, oddly enough, said essentially the same thing. Gabe, I think, just really, really, wants everyone to get along so we can all play Vampire and Orpheus. You have to respect the single mindedness. I just hope things don't go badly with Anna and her boyfriend. I mean, I have the worst feeling that it will, though I could never tell her because then I would be victim to "religious fanaticism" but, whatever. I just don't want to see her hurt, which is funny since she says she is more immune to that sort of pain than I am. If she is though, it might explain why she hurts me so often without noticing. Godspeed and may things work out well, despite my ill sense of foreboding.
And, since I am kinda a huge loser, dice_pool is our livejounal community for our chronicles. I'm currently working on re-telling our quests in order. I thought, you know, when I started that I would be able to do a whole night in a post. Then I realized that I was barely finishing the first quest and I had typed two pages of solid text without breaks. I don't know if anyone really cares to read that sort of thing, but it is there. The community is moderated but anybody can view our entries.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
You're Losing Your Saviour and Saint
Current Music: The Cardigans - My Favourite Game
Yeah, I've changed things again. Patterns here, anyone?
So. . . Things? You know. Uhm, they are going to hell. It's. . . I don't like being told I have to change. I don't like being told anything really, but being forced to change what I am is something that rubs me such the wrong way that I can't speak. Being lied about. . . That angers me too. I feel like having my morals makes things harder on me. I don't tell other people to change, I try very hard to make sure that if I believe some one is doing something wrong, I let them make their own mistakes. I'm not, for anyone, going to change my morals, what I believe to be right and wrong, to validate someone else. Sure, it might make the other person feel better about themselves but, where would it leave me? Without a real friend who can agree to disagree, without a moral ground to stand on and without a firm belief in anything. I never forced anyone to talk to me about what they wanted to do with life, even if I, personally, couldn't respect their decisions or actions.
Sometimes, it feels like two, or three, people are pulling on me at once, each trying to change me, make me believe something I can't justify, say something I don't believe or do something I think is wrong to do. After high school, I though peer pressure would die down, but it only got many times worse. The worse feeling ever is being caught with people I deeply care about and having to walk (or run) away from them because they want me to believe something I know is wrong. It is almost, very close to, being pressured to do drugs. To loosen my personal sense of right and wrong, make exceptions to rules of human conduct because it feels good. I know things won't end well but it is not my place to say anything to anyone. Hell, it wasn't my place to know. I asked and asked and I was eventually told. My fault for asking, NOT my fault for finding out. It's. . . She must have wanted to tell me because now she says I have to change my sense of right and wrong so she can tell me more about it. If it was so awful to keep it from me then the argument that it was my fault finding out is void. But, I'm sure there is some rationalization. There always is a rationalization for anything. I rationalize plenty away myself. I won't say what here because it is truly a pitiful thing to have to lie to oneself to feel right about living life.
The lying. All the deceit. It's disgusting. And I just want to live my own life, abiding by my own, slightly skewed, moral sense. I judge other people but I don't pass judgment, a very big difference that has been very confused in recent discussions. I do what I find right and wrong and I trust people around me to do the same. Of COURSE I will look at others through my own personal experience, it is all I have to color my view of life. But. . . Hell, I don't know, maybe it all makes me some stupid American.
Yeah, I've changed things again. Patterns here, anyone?
So. . . Things? You know. Uhm, they are going to hell. It's. . . I don't like being told I have to change. I don't like being told anything really, but being forced to change what I am is something that rubs me such the wrong way that I can't speak. Being lied about. . . That angers me too. I feel like having my morals makes things harder on me. I don't tell other people to change, I try very hard to make sure that if I believe some one is doing something wrong, I let them make their own mistakes. I'm not, for anyone, going to change my morals, what I believe to be right and wrong, to validate someone else. Sure, it might make the other person feel better about themselves but, where would it leave me? Without a real friend who can agree to disagree, without a moral ground to stand on and without a firm belief in anything. I never forced anyone to talk to me about what they wanted to do with life, even if I, personally, couldn't respect their decisions or actions.
Sometimes, it feels like two, or three, people are pulling on me at once, each trying to change me, make me believe something I can't justify, say something I don't believe or do something I think is wrong to do. After high school, I though peer pressure would die down, but it only got many times worse. The worse feeling ever is being caught with people I deeply care about and having to walk (or run) away from them because they want me to believe something I know is wrong. It is almost, very close to, being pressured to do drugs. To loosen my personal sense of right and wrong, make exceptions to rules of human conduct because it feels good. I know things won't end well but it is not my place to say anything to anyone. Hell, it wasn't my place to know. I asked and asked and I was eventually told. My fault for asking, NOT my fault for finding out. It's. . . She must have wanted to tell me because now she says I have to change my sense of right and wrong so she can tell me more about it. If it was so awful to keep it from me then the argument that it was my fault finding out is void. But, I'm sure there is some rationalization. There always is a rationalization for anything. I rationalize plenty away myself. I won't say what here because it is truly a pitiful thing to have to lie to oneself to feel right about living life.
The lying. All the deceit. It's disgusting. And I just want to live my own life, abiding by my own, slightly skewed, moral sense. I judge other people but I don't pass judgment, a very big difference that has been very confused in recent discussions. I do what I find right and wrong and I trust people around me to do the same. Of COURSE I will look at others through my own personal experience, it is all I have to color my view of life. But. . . Hell, I don't know, maybe it all makes me some stupid American.