Current Music: The Cardigans - My Favourite Game
Yeah, I've changed things again. Patterns here, anyone?
So. . . Things? You know. Uhm, they are going to hell. It's. . . I don't like being told I have to change. I don't like being told anything really, but being forced to change what I am is something that rubs me such the wrong way that I can't speak. Being lied about. . . That angers me too. I feel like having my morals makes things harder on me. I don't tell other people to change, I try very hard to make sure that if I believe some one is doing something wrong, I let them make their own mistakes. I'm not, for anyone, going to change my morals, what I believe to be right and wrong, to validate someone else. Sure, it might make the other person feel better about themselves but, where would it leave me? Without a real friend who can agree to disagree, without a moral ground to stand on and without a firm belief in anything. I never forced anyone to talk to me about what they wanted to do with life, even if I, personally, couldn't respect their decisions or actions.
Sometimes, it feels like two, or three, people are pulling on me at once, each trying to change me, make me believe something I can't justify, say something I don't believe or do something I think is wrong to do. After high school, I though peer pressure would die down, but it only got many times worse. The worse feeling ever is being caught with people I deeply care about and having to walk (or run) away from them because they want me to believe something I know is wrong. It is almost, very close to, being pressured to do drugs. To loosen my personal sense of right and wrong, make exceptions to rules of human conduct because it feels good. I know things won't end well but it is not my place to say anything to anyone. Hell, it wasn't my place to know. I asked and asked and I was eventually told. My fault for asking, NOT my fault for finding out. It's. . . She must have wanted to tell me because now she says I have to change my sense of right and wrong so she can tell me more about it. If it was so awful to keep it from me then the argument that it was my fault finding out is void. But, I'm sure there is some rationalization. There always is a rationalization for anything. I rationalize plenty away myself. I won't say what here because it is truly a pitiful thing to have to lie to oneself to feel right about living life.
The lying. All the deceit. It's disgusting. And I just want to live my own life, abiding by my own, slightly skewed, moral sense. I judge other people but I don't pass judgment, a very big difference that has been very confused in recent discussions. I do what I find right and wrong and I trust people around me to do the same. Of COURSE I will look at others through my own personal experience, it is all I have to color my view of life. But. . . Hell, I don't know, maybe it all makes me some stupid American.
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