Been away... Back now.

I have just not been up for blogging lately. I was out at tech for the most part. Way late rehearsals for the play. And I have been so tired. I keep cutting myself. More than I know I should. And my prescription keeps going up. I really need some sort of a break... Soon, I hope. Tech is a lot of fun but all the couples are more couple-y during tech so I always feel more alone. And Ashley, my love, is on spotlights so I dot get to see her much because I am on deck. It is thanksgiving today. I put more blue in my hair. I am tired. My scars are really noticeable. I cleaned most of my room. I need to vacuum and pick up some more stuff. Not much but I still don't want to do it. I see no reason for all of the family to think I keep my room clean. I don't. Jebus, get over it. Ha, speaking of getting over it, I haven't been. Not at all. I am so not over it. David. I was sharing almost all of my poems from "Sketches of Hate and Gore" with Nichole. My god I love her too. She is like the sister I wish I had. She can relate to me, she understands that it doesn't get better so easily. And we shared a lot of our personal poetry. We both understood each other so well. And she complimented my poems so I felt good about them. Her poems were so powerful and emotional. I could really feel them. One or two of them hit a chord that I think many more people would understand. One of the very few emotions that run through all of humanity. She told me I put words into her poems that she had been trying so hard to get out. I understand her. We are so alike. Not in the way that me and Ashley are alike, we are so the same but we have so many differences that compliment each other and (I think, I hope) make us perfect for each other, but me and Nic are just feeling a lot of the same things. I love Ashley Kathleen Kimura like nothing else. I am so lucky to have met her. I cant think of what my life would be like without her. She is the best thing to happen to me since sliced bread. We need to spend this weekend in the RV... Oh yes, we do. I think people are starting to arrive. Oh well, like they don't know what I look like before I wake up. I am still wearing my Pjs. Twinkie pants and a t-shirt. Tre sloppy. I got a free mini-disk from Tremor. It is red and shiny and now I want a mini-disk player. So I asked for one for Christmas. I am part of the Winter showcase for school. Advanced Drama has a showcase twice a year. The first one is a play put together entirely by the drama 2-4 class. I don't know what we are doing exactly yet, but I think I have a good idea. We are going to make it a montage of most every idea that has any potential. I am working as tech and props. I will also be Stage Manager but unofficially because Cassie is stupid and wanted the title. Even though we did have to make up a position for her in real Tech. She is such a loser. Me and Heather and Ashley(the one I love so dearly) all call her Bakery because she has so many rolls. I know, I know, that is really mean but so darn true. I probably should get off my computer now. I just heard Mom and Dad start to fight. Not good. I hate the holidays at home. Oh well, I have The Sandman volume two and a good novel so I am set for anything. And very loud headphones. Those are very necessary. I also need to wrap up my arm so none of the family see if and damn to the seventh layer of hell... Where I am going to go anyway. Damn Mexicans. Okay, I just was forced to finish my room up. All vacuumed and fake clean. You know, the type of clean that is obviously for the sake of guests and no real need. I kinda hate that type of clean and plan to make no moves to keep it this way after the holidays. I am even more tired now and still in my pajamas. I have a really funny picture of Heather and Elis. Melissa took it for her Photo class. It is Heather sticking out her tongue and, unbeknownst to her, Elis standing at her side with his fingers poking up behind her head. Mucho cool and funny. Especially since it is a black-and-white picture. I am going to try and scan it and put it up on the web. Because it is really funny. And I like pictures on a webpage. I am still so tired. I am listening to angry white boy music to try and keep my self awake but I am still tempted by the military style neatness of my formerly mussed up bed. I hate when a room is this neat, even the people look out of place in it. Like they are just sitting there waiting for someone to take a picture so they can carefully step back over the velvet rope and look at the rest of the rooms dedicated to 21st century decor. I still have all those bags of cotton from Halloween. When I dressed as Partially Cloudy with a Chance of Rain. I broke all of the squirt guns but the cotton still persists. Enough cotton to last me all of my life. I wish that was just a hyperbole, but I am serious. I rarely use cotton and now I have so much of it I have no idea what to do other than put it away and hope it disappears. Well, I think I have to get dressed and wrap my arm up and get a nap in before I have to smile for the family. Bye for now. Talk later.

multiple hand goods

full alias: Christina Marie Martinez
secret spy name: Krista, CMaZ
sex: if you insist
screen name: 17, EmoTurm for now
breeding grounds: Sunnyvale
date of creation: July 21st, 1987
school level: 11th, junior
occupation: part-time student, full-time street rambeler
school: Piedmont Hills
years breathing: 16 or so
background heritage: Mexican and German. Black, Japanese and Eskimo at heart.
verticle stretch: 5'8" or so
gravitational pull: hmm, i dont think so.
color of eyes: color-changing hazel. Grays and blues for the most part, not real hazel.
sexuality: i think i lost mine. Straight, i think
body piercings: none
tattoos: maybe someday
style of apparel: clothes... on a good day
shirt size: large, xl, you know, the fat ones
pant size: huge varience. Fat stores make you think you are fatter. 15-19, or 38 for a loose fit in men's
shoe size: 9 1/2 or 10
astrological sign: cancer or leo, whatever.
chinese astrological sign: rabbit
deodarant: Lady Mitchum
scent: cucumber melon
marital status: none, free, single, alone, you know, the usual.
hobbies: reading, writing, charcoal, computer and movies.
best rave: ha, haha. I would have to say the gay rave Travis took me to.
e-count: uhm, not to my knowledge
ever smoked weed: nope
smoke cigs: no
next event: never, frankie loves me not. Ooo, darn him and his pimp status.
licensed driver: no
car currently driving: my mom's or frankie's
ever gotten into an accident: never.
car planning to get: one that moves... at least most of the time.
favorite color: green
favorite face: ashley... or heather... or my doggy's. I love Angel.
favorite quote: "The cynics are right nine times out of ten." - Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
phobia: medorthophia, fourth-dimension claustrophobia
what i really hate: ignorance, and people who are
languages i can understand: English, arabian, greek, spanish, french, german, swedish, yiddish, mermish, dutch, that african clicky language
favorite movie: The Matrix, Fight Club and, now, Scarface
favorite oldie show: I Dream of Jeannie
favorite game: ten fingers, monopoly, trivial pursuit, truth and truth (seriously, who picks dare[other than me]?)
favorite type of game: uhm, fun... with people i like.
dream vacation spot: middle of the ocean of a cruise boat.
have a little huge collection of: mint tins and matrix memorobilia
favorite comic: The SandMan
favorite cereal: Coco Puffs and Luck Charms.
favorite candy: Jolt gum... mmm caffiene
favorite fruit: apples and pears.
favorite breath freshener: penguins... more caffiene!
favorite brand of chips: cheddar and sour cream(?)
favorite soda: Mountain Dew or Sierra Mist
favorite fast food: Taco Bell
favorite book: Fight Club, Choke, Brave New World, Carrie, Door to December are my mostest favorites.
favorite subject: English
favorite class: sociology and bio. I am meeting some cool people in bio and soc is mucho fun
favorite season: winter
favorite type of weather: rain, buckets of rain.
favorite place to shop: Pac Sun and Hot Topic for pants and shirts respectivley.
what floats my boat [in girls and guys]: hair, teeth, maturity, height, sweet, kind, caring, thinks i am beautiful.
what i miss doing: kissing, holding, being me, short sleeves, hanging out, movie night.
my pride and joy: Bigga Jigga What. I dont know how he lives with that dike.
current mood: sad, hurt, lonely, melancholy, i love ashley. *hornycough*

Have you ever...
[ Gotten a speeding ticket?] nope
[ DUI? ] nope
[ Been in a wreck? ] never
[ Been arrested? ] not to my knowledge
[ Been in a fist fight? ] yeah
[ Kicked someone in the nuts? ] i dont think so
[ Stolen anything? ] let us not speak of this
[ Held a gun? ] yeah
[ Drank? ] i try not to
[ Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? ] no, but me and you ash, someday. (FISH!)
[ Considered a life of crime? ] no, but i will now.
[ Considered being a hooker? ] once, but i would never make it.
[ Cheated on someone? ] no
[ Cried over a girl? ] yeah, about, over, because... yes
[ Cried over a boy? ] yes, and it makes me want to kill.
[ Lied to someone? ] i try to keep it to a minimum. I hate to lie.
[ Been in love? ] sometimes, i am afraid so.
[ Fallen for your best friend? ] well, he wasn't my best friend.
[ Made out with JUST a friend? ] Ashley, Morgana, sorta Heather.
[ Been rejected? ] god yes, so many times
[ Been in lust? ] yeah, that i am sure of/
[ Used someone? ] never
[ Been used? ] i think so.
[ Been cheated on? ] not to my knowledge.
[ Been kissed? ] yeah
[ Experimented with homosexuality?] yeah, i would say so.

Now
[Current mood] we did this. Hateful, tired, melancholy, and i love ashley... a lot.
[Current taste] root beer. i hate how nothing can be the same.
[Current hair] down, kinda brushed. Blue streaks.
[Current thing I ought to be doing] anything else. Homework, making out... laughing.
[Current cds in stereo] The Animatrix soundtrack.
[Current crush] none. im kinda anti-boy right now.
[Current hate] sweatshirts, thermals, ugly slippers, David (but that passes)
[Current job] me? work? not really my thing.

=Love life=
[First crush] Hector, in kindergarten.
[First kiss] donavan, front yard, dare. i hate my life sometimes.
[Single or attached?] single.
[Ever been in love?] i am afraid that i was sometimes
[Do you believe in love at first sight?] a veces.
[Do you believe in "the one?"] yes
[Describe your ideal significant other] tall, kind, dark hair, deep eyes, maybe a hopi or japanese or white, not skinny, sweet, loves me more than he knows how to say, would never think of using me, doesnt call me stupid, doesnt push me, will do the laundry and dishwasher, holds my head in his arm and whisper even when there is no reason to whisper, kisses in the rain, will go out of his way to kiss in the rain, looks me in the eye, won't laugh when i am not funny, smart, reads, listens, be strong when i need him, be weak when he needs me, talks to my face, kisses me long, wont pull away, doesnt want me to pull away, runs his hand through my hair and tells me how nice it is, openmided, likes my music (basically any music), watches good movies, intellectual, longish hair, soft lips, hollow throat, seems to not know what to say around me and other people too, speaks beautifully with me, sees the beauty in poetry, kisses my head when i cry, squeezes my hand when we cant talk so i still know he loves me, leaves his smell in my clothes, breathes in deep while his head is in my hair, faithful, screams with me, screams at me when he knows i want to be mad, never stop trying to make me forgive him, loves how i love him, will go out to a field and scream at the sky with me, acts civilized, wants to look good for his own sake, wants to grow old with me, wants yo die young with me too, has a plan, dreams, reaches out to me in his sleep cause he knows i am there, ashley must love him (platonically, of course), frankie has to think he is good enough for me, strong hands, warm neck, cold ears, thinks i am just so amazing, respects my opinion, has his own mind, thinks before he speaks, respects me, is courteous, polite, gentlemanly, gentle or strong when need be, knows when he doesn't know, understands satire and sarcasm and banter, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't get high, likes to go out, likes to go out and pay all of his attention to me anyway, has friends who are girls, hangs out with my friends who are boys, knows the differnece between friends and lovers, tells me as much as he can, involves me, holds me in my sleep, talks to me, hugs me so tight i cant think of anything else but him and his body that surrounds me... and i think that is it.

Juicy stuff
[Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?] no
[Favorite place to be kissed?] mouth
[Shy to make the first move?] sometimes, not so much. Only if i am not sure if i have a chance.

Are you a
[Wuss] i dont think so
[Druggy] no
[Daydreamer] very often
[Freak] most likely
[Dork] oh yes
[Bitch/Asshole] if i need to be
[Brat] no
[Sarcastic] yeah, almost all the time
[Angel] i am so pure compared to Ashley... so pure. So, yes.
[Devil] alternating, i think i am satan right now.
[Shy] not for my life.
[Talkative] i like my own voice more than i like yours.
[Adventurous] why not.
[Joker] i like to think so
[Flirty] no, not really.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Father thinks I am: stupid, bitch, not worth anything
My Mother thinks I am: a lesbian, crazy, stupid, worthless
My grandma thinks I am: n/a
My grandpa thinks I am: n/a
My boyfriend/girlfriend thinks I am: dont have one
My best friend thinks I am: me, krista
+ three best qualities: odd, original, bouyant
+three worst qualities= stupid, emotional, loving
+three things you are often complimented for = smart, well-read, intelligent
+compliments you get that make you blush= that i matter, that i am loved, that you care. (usually false compliments)
+you get embarrassed when= not much really.
+makes you happy = knowing ashley, reading something that makes me forget, music that makes me feel.
+upsets you when= people call me some stereotype (grunge, emo, punk, kid, teen, rocker and, once, goth)

Yes or NO....
+you keep a diary = your'e kinda looking at it.
+you like to cook = not so much
+you have a secret you have not shared with anyone = yes
+you fold your underwear = if i can't avoid it
+talk in your sleep= yes
+you set your watch a few minutes ahead = no
+you bite your fingernails = yes
+you believe in love = sometimes

Last...
x. movie you rented = the wizard of OZ
x. movie you bought = household-Scarface, me-The Marix Reloaded
x. song you listened to = Gorillaz- Clint Eastwood (Ed Case remix),
x. song that was stuck in your head = Last Resort- Papa Roach
x. song you've downloaded = The Pixies- Where is My Head
x. cd you bought= GO, the soundtrack
x.CD you listened to = The Presidents of the United States of America, self-titled album.
x. person you've called = Ashley
x. person that's called you = Ashley
x.TV show you've watched = uhm, Friends at Ashley's house on Wensday... i think it was wensday...
x. person you were thinking of = Morgan

head in my hands
tears are flowing freely now
fuck holding back
i'm through
i'm done.

i cant play the part for long
my will breaks down
i tire
i drown.

head in my hands
he cant understand
why i try to be kind
spare my feelings next time.

we're in two different worlds
i'm trying to find mine
he's not me
we're not we.

move! talk! live! love!
don't let the past drag you down
i'm here for you like always
but i don't know for how long.

head in my hands
he cant understand
why i need him there
let me know that you care.

the tears dry up
i'm acting my part
i lift my head
i hide my heart.


(i love emoallen)

Oh man, homework like crazy. I am so lonely. I want to give something to someone (you important people know what I mean). I am tired. Tech started today. Oh, things are going to be getting exciting around here. Oh yes heather, even with the eczema, I would. Without would be better though, as we all know. Whig+Gnome= evil monkey pizza. I love Ashley, my wonderful and beautiful wife. I also love my girlfriend on the side, Heather. If only I was as popular in hetero relationships as I am in lesbian ones.

tired and the lights are low, I'm down by sixteen.

Ashley wants me to post and I just beat this really awesome fishy game so I figured I might as well. I dunno. I haven't been exactly feeling like typing a massive chunk of text. I don't know how I feel I don't know what I want. I am so lost. I have been missing quite a bit of school too. I was out for more than just a few days. I think I am falling behind. My head hurts. I wanna go out and hook-up (in that non-sex way, ash). I'm not sure whether I could or not but who knows. I'm just kinda tired, I guess. Not feeling much. Okay, that is a lie. I'm feeling a lot. More than anyone else is feeling about me especially. Everything kinda went into neutral except for me. I'm still all about my extremes. Most of the time I don't even feel like how I am acting. I can be a hard ass bitch to someone while I really feel like crying in a corner and telling them how much I hurt inside. And that isn't just David. I just want to cry with someone. I was about ready to tell Bryan and Adrian all about my life and how I feel. That is how bad it was today. I barely know them but already I just want to spill. Bryan is an awesome kid and I try and help him out with this girl he has just totally fallen for. Tanya. Yeah, I saw her pictures, really cute but nothing too special. So I talk to him about it. I let him tell me about it and I give my version of advice. I don't really tell either of them, Bryan and Adrian, about my life. I'm just another crazy upperclassman to them, I guess. We have fun. We just sat there in class and listened to Adrian's Green Day CD on Bryans Walkman with a headphone jack splitter. I was using one of Bryan's earbuds while Adrian just used his Sony wraparounds. It was fun but I just wanted to die. Sink into the floor and burn in the fiery pits of the self-inflicted pain of hell. Sadness, anger, resentment, seclusion and far too much time to myself. I have been at home way too much. I need to get out. I need the play. But I was always sorta alone at the plays, once I quit sound. Why did I do that? I was THE Crew Leader. But I switched to deck because Becky complained, a lot. I'm stupid. Jesus, why do I do such things. I am never going to have any respect in tech. I'm just blah,... Expendable. God *Ashley* damn it, I hate how, all of a sudden, every girl has been fucked. I just hear it everywhere now. I mean, I thought it was just a TV exaggeration, but no, a lot of the girls talk about having sex and they ask you when was your first time. I say I never had sex and then they turn and look at me and say, You're a virgin? Like they thought there was a difference. Stupid girls. You can guess how it feels though. Like I should go out and do it just to get it over with. So I can finally just out what all the hoopla is. I mean, it can't be that great. I don't even masturbate, I doubt it will be some big surprise as to what happens. So I will wait... Forever and ever. I do and I don't want to. Also the fact that there is nobody I want to do it with. I am sorta disgusted with a majority of guys. Maybe I can get a gay guy. Pay Travis to have sex with me. He's gay, it would work. I wish. I actually did darken the blue in my hair, made it look tons better. Pieter saw it today and said "it's not you," like he knows who I am. Strange folk. Steven called me a "weird ass" and I was strangely complimented. I don't think of suicide as often. I don't sit there and think about it. For hours at a time for weeks. No. I stopped that. I hope it stays stopped. All I feel like doing lately is sleeping. My dreams are weird but not like the ones before. If I really love you, then you know what I mean about the "dreams before". Not weird like that but they are archaic. Rarely does anybody speak English. Except me, of course. Sometimes, I guess, I am afraid during these new dreams. I want to but I cant, type situation. That and I've been kicking so damn much lately that I don't even bother to make my bed again. And I'm lazy. Whatever. I guess I'm okay. I I'm just a little off. Sorry for the short lapse between posts. I figure you all got used to having a brand spankin new post everyday. I will try and shape up.

Love, i love you so much

Oh man, my hair. This is way too cool for me. I am going to make it a little darker but, right now, its is a light blue/white streaks in my light/dark brown hair. I think it looks good, and once the blue comes out, I can put almost any color I want in it where it is bleached. Kinda looks like I have gray hair at first. I plan to fix that. I'm reading the book Ender's Game and I like it as much as I did the first time I read it. It is so amazing. Orson Scott Card is incredibly amazing if Ender's Game is any show of his talent. I want to read the accompanying books but I am almost worried that they will just suck, kinda like how Necroscope, which started out so fun and ended so stupidly. I understood it and I read the third novel even though it was so boring but I expected so much more based on the first one. Now Chuck Palahuink, he has yet to let me down. I recommended to the school librarian to pick up a few of his novels for the library. Should help out school's reading levels, which are abysmal. Yeah, I made up with Ashley and, thank all the powers that be, she forgave me and took me back and my god I love her so much. She is so kind and understanding and I wish I could be there for her more. I haven't experienced half the pains she has had and I wish I could relate and help her more. But I do what I can, which is all anybody can. I love her for being there for me for all these years and for loving me back from the beginning. I love you Ashley, I never mean to hurt you and I swear I will do my best to never let it happen again. You have my support whenever you need me. I will always be here to listen to you whenever you want me to be and I will love you and be by your side when you need me. I try to. You are wonderful and sweet and caring. You are the best friend I have with Heather. But you know so much more about me. You know everything, you know me through and through. I love you and your family. You all took me in and accepted me. I love you Nichole, you are so beautiful and you make me appreciate all the good things around us. I find so much joy with you and I hope I can bring some back to you. I love you all so much and I am so glad to be a part of your lives. You make me, me. I am so lost without you and I would not be who I am now. I can only say the best of things about you guys because you have been the absolute best things to have ever happened to me. I love you so much. I am so glad I met you. I am so glad you love me too. I love you and miss you right now as I sit at home. <33333

No time for a substantial post today. Helloooo survey....

Basics..

[ Full name ] Christina Marie Martinez

[ Nicknames ] Krista, Crista, Whig, Chris

[Resides in ] The Golden State

[ Good student ] in that not-so-good way

[ Eyes ] I think they are hazel but this girl I know who works in optometry said they are gray. So, gray.

[ Hair ] Originally darkish brown. Soon to be brown and blue.

[ Shoe size ] 7-8 in men's

Last time you...

[ Brushed your hair ] when I got home from school

[ Washed your hair ] this morning

[ Checked your e-mail ] just now, DSL has taken over my life...

[ Called someone ] after school.

[ Laughed ] in Mr. Elliotts classroom after school.


Do You ..

[ Smoke? ] no

[Do drugs??] no

[ Drink? ] no... Good [me] I sound like I goody-goody...

[Have sex?] no, have yet to be at the right place in the right time

[ Have a dream that keeps coming back? ] yeah

[ Play an instrument? ] no, total lack of musical talent

[ Believe there is life on other planets? ] I guess... Would not make sense if we were the only life in the universe.

[ Remember your first love? ] I think so, I hope I loved him, I think I did.

[ Read the newspaper? ] why not.

[ Have any gay or lesbian friends? ] no, I live in a shell somewhere in Idaho *sarcasm for the "challenged" among you*

[ Consider love a mistake? ] I think mine was not yet meant to be.

[ Believe in God? ] of course I believe in myself.

[ Pray? ] talk to myself all the time.

[ Have any secrets? ] unfortunately, yes.

[ Have any pets ] lots and lots of 'em. I think my parents are psycho.

[ Have any piercings? ] nope

[ Have any tattoos? ] no, someday maybe.

[ Have an obsession? ] no way! *Matrixcough*

[ Have a secret crush? ] occasionally... Like now.

[ Collect anything? ] yup.

[ Like your handwriting? ] hells no.

[ Have any bad habits? ] I think I am a bad habit

[ Boy/girlfriend's looks? ] tall, deep eyes, kind smile, nice hands and soft lips.

[ Believe in Satan? ] hail Satan[Ashley]

[ Believe in ghosts? ] sorta.


Current:

[ Mood ] happier, I love Ashley

[ Make-up ] none

[ Music ] At-The-Drive-In, Relationship Command

[ Taste ] Extra spearmint gum

[ Hair ] down, all frizzy and half curly.

[ Annoyance ] ignorance

[ Smell ] my upper lip

[ Book ] Door to December by Dean Koontz

[ Fingernail Color ] nail...

[ Refreshment ] my own spearmint flavored saliva

[ Worry ] how I am going to stop being so stupid and mean to the people who mean the most to me.

Last Person:

[ You Talked to ] My mom about her clay stuff.

[ You Hugged ] Heather

[ You Yelled At ] Annie

[ You Had A Crush On ] Kevin Cataneo

[ Who Broke Your Heart ] David

Favorite:

[ Food ] Toasty O's, food of the l33t

[ Color ] green

[ Shoes ] my old black converse that I can only wear when mom isn't looking

[ Candy ] uhm, Mr. Goodbar

[ Animal ] duck... or emu... or tiger...

[ TV Show ] nip/tuck

[ Movie ] The Matrix and Fight Club

[ Song ] that is actually a deceptively hard question

[ Vegetable ] carrots

[ Fruit ] pears

Who do you want to. . .

[ Kill ] Claudia, Kelly, Annie (sometimes, most the time), Rat-Rachel

[ Slap ] annoying Asian girl in my Spanish class, Colin, Stacey

[ Tickle ] what the fuck?

[ Talk To ] Ashley


and all of that was because I don't feel like actually writing anything at the moment.

All new, all gone

Yeah, a new template. A lot of things are changing for me right now. My head hurts and I think I'm going crazy instead of getting better on this stupid medicine. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow. I am trying to forget everything I lost. I lost all those people who said they cared. I guess that was all I had. But they don't want me and never is there a one sided love. Only longing. I was always trying to be good and being something. I was trying to be good at being myself. I think that counts as originality, but not really so much. I like this template a lot. It only took a little bit of work to make it perfect and that is what it is now. Perfect. Except for the stupid banner ad. I do think I am going insane. I hate to think about where my life is going to take me. Every time I get settled in some sort of path, I get lost and I don't know what is next. I thought I was going to be friends with the last group I was "part" of forever. But I was so exceptionally expendable to them. Call me crazy but I don't really like being the friend that is there only when you need me. I don't want to have to shut up about my problems. I don't want to have to get over it. I want to be upset. I want to get over it when I am ready to get over it. I guess this is some sort of break through for all those people I knew. They don't want to bring me back to them so I'm not going to crawl back and promise to be good and never think about myself ever, ever again. Who knows what this may do for me in the long run. Maybe I can get back to something. I don't know. I don't know what I was doing wrong all this time. I guess I don't really know anything about anything that is happening to me. I don't think this would be called growing up because, if anything, I feel less mature. Like I said, I don't know what is going on in my mind. I am sure part if this is the fucking zoloft but I cant blame it all on that. I was fucked up before that even began. I get my hair done on the 12th. Blue steaks of some sort. And I finally found my The Presidents of the United States of America self-titled CD. I missed it. Anything I have wanted, I have been getting lately. Anything material. But the really unfair trade-off is that I don't have anyone to share it with right now. I am keeping everyone at arms length and trying most earnestly to make them all hate me. This is only making mildly satisfactory results. They are becoming neutral about me. I want them to hate me, to be so filled with rage that they tell me what they do think. Not this crap about how I need to get over this for my own sake. I want them to scream at me that, because I had my own problems, I wasn't there to listen to them and to help them. I want them to cry that I was so self-centered to have put myself first in my time of need when they could have used my help. I want to hear all of the little stories they tell themselves that they believe, I want to hear those crumble and blow away. So much is out there to hear that is dead. Everyday, inadvertently, we listen to dead things. Recorded music by our favorite oldie artists who died so many years ago, O.D., erotic asphyxia, plane crashes, ham sandwich, suicide. TV, Nick-at-Nite, dementia, senile delusion, alcoholism. I think the worst part is the laugh tracks we hear all over the place. People from decades ago laughing at things that happened after they died. Some people think it is bad to even speak of the dead and we sit a listen to them laugh from nowhere at something that does not even warrant laughing. Echoes from god knows where. Telling us what is funny. The dead are laughing on a empty studio set. We take for granted a lot of what we hear. Sometimes I wish for silence. After being born into sounds though, silence is pretty scary. Nilophobia. A fear of nothing or zero. I think my ranting is done for now. This whole post was just about getting a new template. Good night.

Out away gone

Have you ever felt like nobody cares anymore? That it was all of a sudden far too easy to push everyone in your life away? That you are already in the process of being replaced? I think I am. I mean, I don't know why everything fell apart. People got too sick of seeing me whine. I never tried to force how I felt on anybody. I sit there for as long as I can to let people tell me how they feel. It doesn't even matter if this is my closest friend or some half-way aquiantince friend. I do my best and listen to everything they have to say. I give my all in advice, I try to help, I follow up and try to be as kind as I can. I do my best for these people and they thank me. But when I have a problem everybody is so easily gone. I don't want to talk but I want someone to listen. I wish that I wasn't so annoying. I guess everybody wants me to sit there for them and help them and listen and change their minds, tell them that their is some thing worth living for, that somebody cares. I sit there and listen and change their minds. I sit there and tell them that they matter. But nobody wants to listen to me. Nobody changes my mind. I think they want to let me rot in my own mind hell. I was never important enough to be bothered with. I told everyone to fuck off and they did. I remember when Morgana told me she hated me. I sat at the computer for as long as it took to get what was wrong out of her. And she was the one to start all of it. She even blocked me and I switched SNs, I did whatever I could to make her mind better to help whatever could be wrong with her. She wanted me to hate her. And I couldn't. I couldn't just let her go. And she wasn't even my best friend. Now, I have a problem in my mind that I cant get over and she tells me to shut up and get over it. I guess I should but, what the hell, fuck her too. I hate people who do something to make any of my friends upset but now I cant stand to even look at David and Ashley just tells me to get over it too, she doesn't want to have to choose. Well, fine, I wont make her choose. I will do it for her. I left and nobody cares. Nobody minds the mess I made in my mine. All is fine and dandy for everyone but me and that passes just well for everyone else. I want to hurt myself again so bad. I want to tear at my wrists I want to stab my thighs I want to rip out all my hair I want to punch walls and kick anything. I want to get this pain out of my body so badly. I am doing everything I can to keep from crying when I wake up. And nobody cares. I haven't gone to school in two days and I want to stay out on Monday too. I don't want to have to dodge people in the halls. I don't want to have to smile for some random person I see. I hate everything and being immersed in the very embodiment of all that I loathe is not so good for my morale. I think my passing has gone unnoticed. As far as I can tell, Ashley could be happy I am finally gone. I wont steal her shine, I wont stop her from being all she can be, I wont make her be my friend anymore. I wont be anything. She has whoever she wants to be her friend. Who knows. I am almost jealous. But I am me. I am alone. I am out. I am gone from you. I wont be whining and complaining because you hurt me again. I am sorry that all I do is bitch about how unhappy I am. I didn't mean to make all of you happy people feel guilty and such and such. I just wanted to be loved. But nothing is eternal but love and nothing is eternal.

i hate you, i hate all of you. if you hate everything i do, why dont you just fucking tell me then instead of waiting around for me to forget what i did. I hate you all. Fuck off, im sorry i am so annoying.

Hate, hate, hate, it is there.
I'm still ranting. I was just talking to David so you know I am so full of emotion right now. He really bothers me. I don't know why I am still trying to resolve how I feel with him. I just want him to see it the way I do.

Rantings I was about to put in my Sub

Some times I think I am the only one to understand the complications of human emotion. Is it true? Am I the only one? If so, take me now, kill me now, I don't want to breathe now. Nobody seems to see my mind but I see you so clearly. You want to, you don't. I want to but cant. The ball was to you and you threw it away. Now I cant play. I'm alone every day. Make me mad, make me bleed. Hold me down, I wont breathe. You make me want to throw it away. Make me want to give it all up. To chance everything but you for you. I am now killing my soul for a chance you may go. Leave me alone. I want you to leave. I don't need to see how happy you will be without me. I don't want to but must walk on my own. To keep my sanity I have to risk what I need. You held me warm. I want you near. I cant sit close without smelling your hair. I think of you daily, almost every hour. I know you don't care. I need not, but I dare, to keep it inside so you can slide. Away from me. Into you I want to be. But she is what you want to need. No commitment for me, I'm not human, you see. I am something that is made, something made for his fun. I have nothing more to me than three double C's. Turn me off, flip my switch, my program was made with too many a glitch. You want me to screw, to suck and to fuck. I was built with my morals and want to be loved. I want you with me. I wish it was me that you held so long alone. I wish you would show others my photo and say, she is mine. I will love her for as long as I know time. I'm so pathetic you see, that I know this will never be but I wont abort my thoughts. I wont leave it alone. I I want to know it that which you gave away. Too many before and many more after. I am everything to you that I don't want to be. Everything to you that I don't want to be. I want you for you. You want me for me. Why is it not working, why is there another "she"? Is she really all that much better than me?

god, I want to die, right now. I am so alone and fuck, David, David, David just die. I think I am wrong, I think I am lost. All that I needed was your touch. You held me so close, you squeezed me so tight. I thought I might be special. I thought you cared. I thought I was more. I thought it was important. I thought you had a reason. You have a girlfriend now... I don't know her name. I don't think I want to. TO give a name to her would make her so much more human. To mean she is better, there is a girl there with you who is better than me. Meaning there are a lot more of them out there. Meaning I am gone to you. I never have another chance. To treat you like shit so you don't feel I am your girlfriend. You didn't want commitment, you said. You lied. You didn't want me. So much of it was a lie. I wish you told me, I so don't like you, I think you are repulsive, I think you stink, I think you are nothing, a boy, smelly, rotten, bitch. Anything but make me feel the way I did, do and will. I hate me. I hate you. Go die with your girlfriend. I hate your lies. I hate you I hate you, I hate everything about you now. I want you out. I want you gone. Would you leave for me? Go away so I don't have to think of everything I will always be missing. You see, though I am nothing to you, only a toy, I do have a soul. I don't lie to those I care about and when I said I liked you, I meant it. I wanted to be with you, I just wanted time. You didn't. Though you can just tease me and make me wish I could press against you, hold you, be held and kiss you, even though I cant, I wont do that to you. I cared. I would be hurting myself by doing those same things you do to me now because I do care, did care. You didn't, you don't. I hate you.

Amanda's Birthday Party

That was a lot of fun. Cheerleader Massacre is the worst movie/undercover porn ever. That was such a stupid movie. Anyway, I had a lot of fun. I don't really feel like typing right now. I am so freaking tired. We stayed up hella late. I left the front room where everybody was still sleep ing and talking to sleep in the entry way. I just didn't want to be in there anymore but it was still a blast, the whole day over all. Me and Ashley stayed for the family party and we watched Anger Management. That was mucho fun. Oh, and yesterday, we went bowling. Farin and Elliott showed up at the alley and it was all gravy and such. Then, at Amanda's house, we played truth-or-dare and of course we all found out way too much about members of the opposite sex. Boys that I never needed to hear these things about. And a lot of discussion about how some guys had treated other girls. I was really uncomfortable during that part. I am scared that I was used by David and I hear these things and it seems like every girl there has a story about it. I am afraid that David is mine. Everyone is something... What if my something is being nothing to everyone?

Ghosts, ghouls, goblins and other assorted retards.

I have had a really good couple of days here. In fact, so good, that I have neglected to blog for a few days. I tried to blog and a had told almost all of my stories for the last few days and then I accidentally clicked some link and it took it all away. That always pisses me off. But yes, I have had a really good time. I guess I will start out with my one/four good deed(s) from Thursday. Well, I went to blockbuster late at night on Wednesday to go see if I could get this really huge, really cool Matrix cardboard display. The Blockbuster that had promised us the thing in the first place told us that they had given it to someone else claiming to be me. So we asked them if there was anywhere else we could go to obtain our product. She, the employee, directed us to look at the other Blockbusters to see if any of them had kept theirs. We, me and Frankie, then ventured off to the ghetto Blockbuster at Pak-and-Save where the wondrous display was still up and there in all of its glory. We asked if we could somehow acquire this master piece but the workers there at the moment said that the only associate with the power of bestowing upon us this gift was the Store Manager named Gary. Gary did not work evenings. Gary is a slacker. We left the store feeling very dejected when I looked behind me as we trod off from the place of woe only to see the salvation for my morale. A very large, outdoor poster for the Matrix was erected outside of the side window, one obscured from the inside eyes of Blockbuster minions by movie displays and stands. Not only was this wonderful specimen erected on the outside of the window, it was also already falling down in the top, right hand corner of the top right hand segment. This atrocity was destroying the image of this neighbor hood, a poster failing in the wind is not a good thing for property prices, so I thusly removed the segments of poster with Frankie's help and then rolled the poster up while Frankie brought Mom's Pontiac around to the side of the merchandise lenders shop so that no overly zealous employee could misconstrue our activities as stealing. I hurriedly opened the backseat door on Frankie's side, ran to the passenger side and threw myself in to the seat, still closing my door as Frankie squealed the black Grand Prix around the parking lot islands and unto the street. We had made it out of the den of Blockbusterites and decide to celebrate the successful liberation of our prize by eating at Taco Bell. When we arrived at our home I immediately began to erect the bounty on my own wall as I sign of my virility and prowess. I enlisted the help of my younger female sibling to attach the lower left segment of the poster to my wall. The finished product of my endeavors is the magnificent display of my treasure now, signifying my Fanboy-like obsession with The Matrix. It looks so cool, you have no idea.

And that was our vocabulary lesson for the rest of the week. I wish I had found a place to use the word "gelatinous".

Thursday at school was rather a droll day, nothing but jealous mobs of people after my poster. Frankie did get me out of school for a while because Gary, the store manager, was supposed to be at work from 9-5 but he was not in. Gary is a gelatinous loser. We got some lunch at Jack-in-the-Box and I went back to school for people to drool all over my chocolate shake. I am starting to hate Gary with a sever form of vengeance mixed in. But yes, later on that day, Thursday, Ashley had one of the best ideas I have heard in a very long time. She should spend the night over and we could get ready for Halloween together, at my house, in the morning and then go to school, since I live like a block away. Our guardians hesitantly agreed to out dubious proposition, to our glee. Ashley discovered, part way through the night, that she had abandoned herself at my house without makeup. In a hurry, she thrust herself at my computer to ask of her to sister that favor of bringing her, Ashley's, makeup to my house with her, Nichole, in the morning. Relieved, Ashley and I lied down on my bed to immerse ourselves in the cinematic pleasure that is Fight Club. While enjoying this brainchild of Chuck Palahuink and Fox Films, we took sporadic breaks to prepare ourselves for the day to come. Ashley tried on the various attributes of her costume, such as fish net stockings, knee high boots, low cut black top, miniskirt and a nun hat with various attachable sayings of a pun-like nature. Her costume rocked. I was taping cotton balls to my sweatshirt and jeans and filling up my squirt gun. I was Partially Cloudy with a Chance of Rain. In the morning we actually woke up mostly on time and Nichole brought Ashley the unnecessary face accessories. I think Ashley happens to look really beautiful without make up. Prettier than when she does wear all of her regular make ups. Though the black eye stuff does look good. Well, we were almost late because Ashley was putting on her reunited supplies and I was looking for a water bottle label for Nic. We finally left my house and made it to school barely before the bell. My costume was appreciated fully only by those who knew what I was before hand. I would ask people to guess what I was and every time they answered wrong, I would squirt them. Hell, I squirted people just because I could. Pieter socked me in the arm but he warned me that he would so I kinda deserved it. Though it was worth it to get a nice healthy stream of water in Pieters ear. After school time activities and instruction were all over, we left for Stevens house. Steven was not at is house so we turned back toward the school to walk back to my house. At my house I heifer ed out on French bread and cranberry juice. Nancy and Ashley just gazed at my fabulous display of Matrix memorabilia while chewing on French bread. My mother then transported all three of us to the house of Ashley. Many activities commenced upon the arrival of all guests. Those attending were myself, Ashley, Nancy, Morgana, Brian and Steven. Nancy was playing guitar and the other four were making out with their respective significant others for a majority of the time that they could. I cooked pizza and had a very intense pillow fight with Nichole. That was a lot of fun and I am still hitting you Nichole, did you quit? At one point during the Halloween festivities I was dragged and humped and pushed and forced in to the upstairs bathroom where I was expected to masturbate to relieve my horny status. I quickly dispersed from the bathroom and barracaded myself in Ashleys room to deter any more attacks on my vaginal integrity. I was also humped by both Ashley and Morgana. All in all, I had an exceptionally scary and mildly scarring Halloween episode. Tonight I am to attend a sleep over and birthday party for Amanda. I have no idea who will be there beyond Me, Ashley and, of course, Amanda. I expect another evening of teenage horniness and mayhem. I will bestow upon you the full detailed account of my evening at Amandas when I can. Hopefully this massive, full text, no lyrics post will relieve you of your Crista yearnings for now. Until then, late.
CMaZ