he signed back on as soon as i published that. still no comment from him on AIM. Dude, when did my blog turn into JeromeWatch? (as soon as you became infactuated, honey). SHUT UP! (HAHA!), i hate you (i am you) jesus, David was right when he called me mean (damn straight). Fuck you (that would be masturbation, hun). Christ, i just cant win with myself, can I? (no)

CMaZ (and her metaphysical self)

JeromeWatch update: just signed off again.

okay, I know I'm annoying but, Jesus. Fine I'll stop talking to Jerome. He wants to act like a royal asshole, fine. You want to see our convo from a few minutes ago? I bet you do, you sadistic little monkeys;
PeachyKeen840: hi
Jerome: hey
PeachyKeen840: que tal?
Jerome: nada
PeachyKeen840: yo miro
Jerome: estoy mirando la pelicula La Belleza y La Bestia
PeachyKeen840: Ah, estan mis favrito!
PeachyKeen840: isnt that supposed to be "el Bestio"? cause hes a guy and all...
PeachyKeen840: i dont know, i failed spanish one twice...
Jerome: hahah ummm noo its not
PeachyKeen840: uh, nevermind then...
Jerome: haahah
PeachyKeen840: i never said anything...
Jerome: esta bien...
PeachyKeen840: gracias
PeachyKeen840: someone in my class last year said gracias as "grassy ass"

And that was it. The screen is still on my taskbar. and he still hasn't replied. oh well, why should I be angry? Maybe he decided to read my blog and was mad that I thought he was fake. Maybe. Thats stupid though, because it was, you know, my musings. Do I ever say what i really mean on my blog? well, yeah. But the whole point of calling him fake was to show my confusion as to whether I wanted to get to know him better. ARGH! why bother. I should go cower in my celibate little hole. Leave a comment. I need to know what I should do (i love this comment feature).

CMaZ

ah, he now signed off. no goodbye. FUCK, what the hell did i do?

i feel prouder now, because i just put that new "sites" bar in there. yes, that was me. Crista is messin with the HTML! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! as the squirells say.

Okay, continuing on my old thread of my pathetic attempt to sever myself from the net... I'm pathetic. I mean jesus, I couldnt even stay off for two days. I got most the way through one day, that's it. Computers should be illegal. End of story. I figure ashley, me and schuby would all perish from lack of exposure to the UV rays given off by computer moniters. You think we would be used to the sun and all, but we spent way too much time in front of our respective PC's that the gamma rays (ever notice how popular gamma rays are in marvel comics?) altered our genetic make-up. No, Ash, it's different from regular makeup. No Ash, it's not availiable at Macy's either. Jk. God I'm funny. So funny, people can't laugh, just stand and stare, occasionally drooling. And not drooling at my amazing Dimension 2350 flat panal moniter tan either. I took one of those stupid "I'm such a loser I need a website to hook me up with some compu-booty" website tests. It said that my type of humor was dark. Stupid, because all the questions were so broad that they assumed I was darkly humorous. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm sarcastic and enjoy a good banter (nothing sexual, you pervs, it's a form of joking, jesus). Oh, and speaking of sex (parenthesis, for those of you who ignore them...oh wait, that means you arent reading this either) I just finished reading Cosmo UK. That was an interesting experience. There are breasts all over that mag. And for the Bartenders in the Buff section, they came thisclose to showing the goods. I mean you could see pubic hair. Why does the UK get the good Cosmo? So unfair. Just pondering, why am I always talking about sex? I mean, I'm not always thinking about it nor am I promiscuous or overly sexed. So why the sex talk? I have no idea. I'm a virgin, yet on those emails I rarely send out, yet seen to clog my inbox like hair in a drain pipe, it almost always asks "do you think I'm a virgin?" often with many misspellings. And fairly often I get the response "Yes, at least i think so...." or something similair. so not fair. I must give off that vastly expierenced vibe. How ironic it would be if the first time I had sex I didn't know what to do, despite many, many Cosmo US articles. HA! I would retell the expierence whenever I could, except telling it as something that happened to Ashley or Heather. LOL! Not really. *hehe*. So yeah, now everyone knows that i only know about real sex in theory. Oh well, I have nothing to hide. Unless you know about the thing with the guy at that place, then yeah i have something to hide. But otherwise.... So, anywho, I'm listening to the Everclear CD's that Ash gave me, Songs from an American Movie, pt 2, Good Time for a Bad Additude. Great CD, it really meshes well with part one, in that complete opposite emotion type way. Part one is mostly love song, part two is mostly angry break-up songs. I usually fall alseep to part one then switch to two, to wake up (to two, to; maybe i can be Dr. Suess!). Or the BareNaked Ladies. I have their greatest hits album from 1991- 2001. Fairly versatile album. Why the hell are you reviewing CD's on your Bog? Because it's what I'm thinking about right now, so shut you're hallucanated face! Jesus, those damn voices have no idea of when to shut up! Back to my favorite CD's... Hybrid Theory, I love this album. I stole a burned copy from my cousin, Mikey. I wouldn't give it back. Linkin Park is pretty cool, especially the idea to put out an album of remixes. Reanimation (however they spelt it) was pretty cool, and got plenty of play in my room. I know Linkin Park is a pretty poppy band but it gets worse. Simple Plan's album No Helmet, No Pads, Just Balls, is another of my favorites. This band is so poppy it's kinda funny. Nickelodeon's spin-off station, The N, played Heartbreaker all the time. However, since "dick" is appearently an offensive word, the network dubbed over it, making the whole thing riDICulous to watch. My favorite on that album was the track God Must Hate Me. That song was the reason I fell in love with the band. The album was in Travis's walkman, so whilst he was on stage, I was browsing through the songs when I heard that one. I couldn't stop listening and I almost missed a cue. Smashmouth, oh lord, they were my first "favorite band". That song Walking on the Sun" was cool and I liked it but I didnt buy the album, but when "All-star" came out I had to have it! I bought the album (on cassete unfortunatly, so I dont play it much) After that I became a tad bit fanatic and bought their CD "Fush-Yu_Mang", which I am sure is sexual somehow. That album wasn't what I thought it woud be at all. Walking on the Sun must have been a fluke because the rest of the tracks are pretty hard-core. Needless to say, I really liked it. Oddly enough, the cover said "edited" and I didn't notice untill I bought it. After I played it I noticed that they had left everything in! The only thing different was the insert, they had put stars instead of vowels on all the profane words! Not that that bothered me at all, it was just slightly humorous. The "GO" soundtrack is good too. Future buys for me; Harvey Danger (esp. for that Flagpole sitta' song, I'm so hot, cause im in hell), American Pie soundtracks, The Animatrix soundtrack and the Matrix Reloaded soundtrack. I would download pirated versions of them but I have no idea where to find such things. I'm such a loser!.

sitting, thinking. wow. Before i had to redo all the comments and such, the site owner of the comment making people left me a comment. he compared me to dr. phil. It was the post for friday the 25th, 3:26:18 AM. then i re-read my entry and thought. Do i really sound like a old, balding man whose living revolves around the insecurity of other? maybe, maybe.

sleeep...

This is my token post to let you know I'm still alive. I am so tired. I put a new picture on friendster. I took it with Heathers new (then) camera on the second to last day of school. Anyway. Jerome hasn't talked to me since... Would I be acting too needy if I said that I think he must of looked the picture of me and ran away in horror screaming masculien(sp) screams? Probably, so I wont say it. It's being left unsaid... yes, yes it is. Dont say it. He must have. NO! You are not a needy little piece of shit girl who goes all fatal fucking attraction on someone you don't even know. Well I do know him, just not conventionally. Knowing someone on the internet does not mean you know them. Remember that creepy guy from Texas who tried to get you that way? He might not have even been from Texas. Why would he tell the truth? He doesn't have to. Either way that was scary. I don't want that again. So. I don't know Jerome. Hopefully, i just don't know him yet. But i could meet him and we could be completly on different pages. He could quite concivibly be not thinking of this in the same way you are. You know how your'e thinking of this. As something romantic. Stupid assumption on your part. Sure he said he would look away from the misgivings of your questionable past, integrity and sexuality. You are so fucking stupid if you think that means he wants to hold your hand or kiss you or kiss you more or more. Just because that's what you see. Stupid shit you are. Hell he may not want to talk to you anymore at all. Just because he said you would never be annoying to him doesn't change a damn thing. Mr. Texas 1999 didn't have anything against lying to you.... You are stupid to hold on to a guy who you don't know and presents himself as ideal. What has he ever done wrong according to him? He was a druggie for a year, but he quit, making him even more flawless. Who is flawless? Nobody. You don't know anything about someone untill you know their worsts. Untill you know exactly how bad they have been can you tell how good they are. To be perfect is to be fake. You said yourself, you dont want to meet fake people. You wanted to meet authentic people. Stop with your net thing and turn off the AIM and get back to what matters. The real people. Who say the worng thing sometimes. Who change for the worst. Who love you. LOVE! Not just another internet buddy. Sure maybe Jerome is real, just not the Jerome i know right now. he isn't real in my mind yet. He is too flawless. Not perfect. Perfect has flaws that accent your own, play each other up and generally are the One. Heather is a perfect friend for me. Ashley was the perfect friend for me at one point in my life and i will always love her for that. Pieter is a perfect friend for Daniel. i think im going to turn my computer off. And my cell phone. And after tommorow, i will refuse all calls. this will go on untill i decide. For those of you who read this, let everyone else know, so they dont feel bad. I wouldnt want anyone to feel hurt. I would expect the same. I guess this post was a little more than I expected.


Love,

CMaZ

the shortest day

ha, i woke up at like three in the afternoon today. I then proceeded to do nothing until Jerome sparked the idea in me to do something athletic. So i ran on the treadmill and watched The Fast and the Furious again. and now here i am, to regail you with my patheticness. why me? huh? i mean, i used to have a life, but now, i dont. I am now a pathetic poptart eating, matrix loving, no life loser. arghh. get out more often you loser. Me and heather are going to apply at the theater. You know the crappy Century Berryesa 10 in Capital. hopefully nobady sees us there. At least stalker Sean doesnt work there. The only plus... I am going to go reavel in my sad life.

woe is I

neh, i couldnt get my pic for Jerome. Stupid cameras suck. I hate them. If i could i would pile them together and nuke them to hell. ARGH! i even tried to scan one... needles to say it didnt work.... I tired so hard! Why does life hate me? if not life, why do all technical appliances hate me? i know hes going to be disappointed, or think im just hella ugly. i hope he doesnt think im ugly. that would blow like a swedish whore. ahhh, im taking digital picture left and right so that i cvan get one of me that is halfway decent in terms of quality. I really dont care how the picture looks, as long as its me. you know? ahhh, pop tarts. an american food staple. And everyone thinks vegetarians eat healthy! HA! i am living proof. though ill probably die of some sort of disease cause by sugar overlaod. I ate good today. fankie had us all go to this little mexican returant for his b-day. I had some really good cheese enchiladas. Which is of course the food of the gods, right along with tamales and pop tarts!. lol. im too much ooohhhh hahahaha. any way. im going to go now. i need sleep.

BTW

I blocked gun. I feel better. What a mini little drama in my mind. Either way, Gun is just the type of guy i dont want. they type of guy who would hurt me again. I'm telling Jerome (by ommision, yes, but its the same thing and you know it) that i want to forget what ive done and change and move on. I feel better. why am i being so ... i dunno the word, lets try faithful, faithful to Jerome. He's not my boyfriend, i dont really know him, nor does he know me. Yet i feel close to him. so i shall do what feel right for now. I know i didnt do anything wrong, so why do i feel like i did? because your an idiot who is awake at 3:30 in the morning writing to yourself on the internet. go im such a dork. an out of shape dork. i need to start running again. I know fujii would support that. damn athletic friends. grrr. I should call heather later, she'll support me in my anti-athletic endeavors. ha... haha. time to try and sleep again. I need to get away from my blog for awhile.

CMaZ

clarification

the Jerome i really like, is Jerome. The other Jerome, he shall be know as... Gun, for his display of trophy worthy arms. I should blow this guy off, but I initiated contact and im a nice person. I hope.

insomniac

cant sleep... only because you slept all day, loser. Anyway just letting the world know how terrible i am. i am an idiot. A supreme idiot. You know that wonderful guy Jerome? well, i never bookmarked him on friendster, so of course i had to search to find his pic again. well either way, i was scrolling down ('damn how many jeromes can thee be?") when this pic of a guy with the best arms i have EVER seen, i mean better than fujii's.any way, because, yes i am a hormonal idoit i sent him a message about his arms. im talking to him right now. somebody shoot me

wake up oh sleeper...

i just woke up. all day ive been kinda awake but not really because i hadnt showered. Now i did. The water got turned back on whilst i was asleep and i am now awake and hoping like hell that Jerome signs on. I have no life. I shouldnt be pining for someone i dont even know, but i am, so im kinda screwed. I wish i had just just shut up about my previous "expieriences". Them he wouldnt of been able to be so understanding and i wouldnt be stuck here thinking about it. Oh wow. he just signed on! how wierd... one of those speak of the devil situations. Im going to go so i can talk with him. Not that i dont love you, my blog, yet some things are just more important. Like really nice guys who for some obscure reason still want to talk to me, of all people. My god am i so lucky.

smelly at home

we are having construction done on the back porch so of course this involves plumbing, so they had to turn off the water. It still isnt back on, and i really want to take my shower. I think im going to go to heathers house and take their bathroom hostage. Oh god, i had the nicest conversation ever, with Jerome last night. We were on aim and he just said the nicest things that so made me feel better about my past. It was so nice to hear someone say such sweet things without humor, just care. I feel special. sorta. Maybe im a loser to have met someone online. as soon as frankie gets home im going to take a picture for EC and Friendster. Okay, so its mostly for Jerome. Let me keep some of my dignity. I wish i had thought to save our convo. But i closed the window as soon as i had thought of it. damn. It would have been nice to read it again. I told him one of the things im most ashamed of ever have doing and he just said, he still liked me and i was the same girl he was talking to all along. i swear i could of cried if that hadnt of made me so happy. it seem like he is so... you know, pure. Like i should feel bad for corrupting him with the thought. I mean he is saving his first kiss for the right girl. my lord. that is just awesome. ESPECIALLY in a guy. even more so in a guy like him, who is completly attractive. No joke, even before i sent him a message, i saw his picture and was just like "wow". he's on friendster, if you want to see it. Im not going to put it up here because, after is so kind and good to me, i wouldnt want to give him any trouble. he is so great to talk to. i am so freaking lucky. damn, i wrote a whole blog about a guy i only know online... pathetic. But for some reason i dont feel pathetic. Not at all.

by the way, i mean jose (shithead). Shithead didnt call. Thank the lord.

he didnt call by eleven. I turned my phone off, just in case.

better living through science

better living through science
this has nothing to do with science. I just thought it sounded funny. sooo, brian just called me. The brian that ashley introduced to me. He just wanted to say hey. It took an hour. Yeah, he said he would call tomorrow and i said sure, why not. Jose called yesterday, why, i do not know. Okay, yeah i do know why. He wanted me to talk to him about screwing. He wanted me to whisper, via telephone, how wonderful he took me and how good it feels to ride him. Yeah, im not vengeful. Ha fucking ha. I told him, no i dont want to talk, no everyone is not asleep and no, i couldnt talk right now. he said he would call tonight and i said oookaaay. I hope he doesnt. I mean you think he would get a hint. There is a reason i broke up with him, he is a sex crazed freak. Who is also completely unattractive once he opens his mouth. But he keeps on calling. I cant ignore his calls because it says private on the caller ID and private could mean ash or daniel or heather. All three are people i like to talk to. And all three are people i would call back. Jose need to get a clue. I dont like him, i finds him annoying and immature. If youre reading this Jose, LEAVE ME ALONE! DONT BE A STALKER! i know that sounds lie a joke but its not. He may begin to slowley starting to resemble stalker sean. Stalker jose. not as nice a ring but i dont care, just i hope he leaves me alone, soon. I want to go out with chuck or brian or jerome or something. Nice guys. Who dont expect me to immediatly give them head. Seroiuly he said, i want to get to know you a little better before i go down on you, but you can give me some. what a cretin. I swear, if we had had two minutes together, alone, he would have whipped it out and expected me to go at it. ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! i am not a slut. I am not a whore. I have morals. ah fuck, what an asshole. Duy is coming over right now. She sould be here in about 10. and she has a gift for me. My tia belen called today, too. She said she's sorry she didnt call on my birthday but that she has a little something for me. God i love my tia. she is so cool and nice. She's also my godmother. her husbands name is Todd so, unfortunatly i call him Tio Todd, which of course, sounds hilarious. anyway, im going to bed

the wonderful day after

from the title you would assume this was a happy post. Maybe maybe not. Im not done yet. I got my computer. A beautiful dell with a flat panel monitor. I love it. I really do like it a lot. oh god, that annoying kid from up the street (used to live down the street, then moved across the street and now the whole family lives up the street) is here. He's about eight years old and he sticks, like glue. WHY WONT HE GO AWAY???? His half brother Chuck is hot though.Ashley was over when he, chuck, rode up on a bike, motorcyle for those of you out of the know. He is just too damn cute. I would so do him. In fact, as soon as i start one, im so putting chuck on my to-do list. though i do wish his little brother Brandon would leave us all alone.

i would sleep but im not tired so i blog

bored... one day untill tomorrow, my birthday. I want a computer! arggh. need... life.... I got the Animatrix as an early gift yesterday. i was really cool. Im such a matrix geek. Ive seen the damn movie (the first) more than twenty times. Because i have no life. For drama class freshman year, i did a monolouge from the matrix. i was put in the showcase for that one. i was proud. Very proud. a little too proud. Because im a dork like that. oh well, im going now so. untill MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!, later

CMaZ

Argh

mom's preaching to me about the wonders of the church. I said the church is hypocritical, now she's going crazy. Totally psycho, while cooking chicken. "god gave us the commandment to gather together"... "i know how you feel"..." its not an option"... god this is so familiar. Oh yeah my party/ "gathering" is today. I have to go buy Mountian Dew and Pepsi. Micheal, Heather and hopefully Pieter are coming. I hope pieter bring all our fiends. I have a feeling my birthday is going to suck. I have this stuff. 2 days till my birthday. I need a life.

damn

i just wrote a really good blog as to why i dont believe in god. I lost it how ever and im not going to humiliate myself by trying to reproduce it. this blows

mid-morning crisis

gross, i just woke up like two hours ago. i dyed my hair. Its dark brown (finnaly back to my natural color) and right now its all over because i didnt tie it back last night before i went to bed. im so pathetic. im sitting in front of my conputer wearing boxers and my t-shirt from yesterday. Birthday countdown; 5 days. only three days untill my party/ "gathering". Ashley cant come because shes going to Reno. I invited Heather and asked her to tell Pieter&co. to come along. At least im not like Ash who asked heather to go to her party in august and TOLD her to tell Pieter he could come but please dont bring along willie and daniel and everyone. thank you very much. Im glad heather blew up at ash. Thats pretty wrong. How uncouth can someone be? Oh hey, i found this guy on friendster, Jerome, whose really nice if not slightly older than me. (hes 18 in a few days). Fun. I emailed ash with all our convos and his picture. I know, i know i talk shit about ash a lot, but shes still my friend and we were really close (in my opinion) for a while there. Yeah, im a hypocrite, at least i can admit it and am open with the fact. damn my head iches. I should probaly go take a shower. too... damn... lazy.... everyone else is eating lunch right now. I just finished breakfast. Microwave french toast. What will they think of next? Blahhhg. so bored. I must have slept eleven hours yet i could still easily fall asleep again, right now. Oh my god. Ashley wants to buy me condoms and lube for my birthday. jesus. She asked me the other day, on AIM, "would i get in trouble if i got you condems (she mispelled it that way) and lube?". I implied that she would. I always get my friends cool gifts. I can say, safely, that yeah, i am imaginative and i put together cool packets of gifts, for my friends that i like. I hope Mother and dad get me a computer. I have been writing these from the "computer room", which is a far to grand a name for this wide space in the back hallway. the laundry is stacked in baskets to my right and the dinner table looks right at me as i sit here. the back cuppard is built onto the desk here. i really want my own computer. I hope, i hope, i hope, i hope. Its my Sweet sixteen, i really hope i get one. I would usually never point out anything as misogynistic as a sweet sixteen, except that i REALLY want this. okay, im awake enough to go takke my shower now. Later

C M a Z

Mindful Meanderings

HA, in another 10 days i will be 16. I really (REALLY) hope to get a computer and i think i might actually get my birthday wish this year (hands clasped in prayer). Jose just called me (AGAIN) a few minute ago. WHY WONT HE LEAVE ME ALONE? I dont want to be his girlfriend and i have no desire to talk dirty to him on the phone anymore. It was stupid to begin with and it's only getting stupider by the minute. I am never ever giving out my phone number ever, ever again. I shall be the caller not the calle. I doubt that that's really a word. Oh well. I feel so tired. Argh. This sucks. The other day Ashley wrote me a letter and the last line or so (the only one she asked about me; she has her own problems right now) she asked if i had talked to Morgan. My Morgan. I almost cried. First of all, because i still feel pretty bad about myself whenever i talk about him. But also because i realized that i hadnt told her what happened (we split; I instigated but it was a mutual decision). I i thought about how close we were before she, you know, changed, and how during the last few days of school, she rarely spoke to me face to face. How she would of rather spent her time with Joe and Steven (mostly Joe then; Mostly Seven now). And Rachel. Oh lord, how she spent more time each day with Amanda, Alex (whom i both dislike) and Kelly (who I greatly distrust). Why was i, her former wife, now ignored to such a great extent? It broke me to find out that we had drifted that far already. To the point that she didnt even know that i broke off my illicit affair with an older guy. why? How could i have grown this close with my friends girlfriend that she knew before ashley what had happened. That i could ridicule the stalker like calls of my former wife with Heather? Heather is my closest close friend now. Maybe even my closest friend. I trust her (heather) so much now. Just the other day we went out and saw Pirates of the Carribean (sp) and spent an hour or so at the mall. I had so much fun. I dont think I thought of Ashley unless she was calling. I dont think i was the one who drifted from Ash, i think she drifted form me so i went and had to find another facet for my emotions and jokes (i have a lot of both). Heather is such a good friend. Im scared of being so close with her however. She is Pieters girlfriend. I dont want them to breakup, but if they did, what would i do? Pieter, i dunno know how he feels about me. Sometimes he acts like the best friend i could ever have, and then sometimes i feel like he would be all the happier if i had never met him at all. Like he just cant figure out how to get rid of me. And i hate that uncertainty. Uncertain about what i would do if my bestfriends broke up and hated each other. Uncertain as to if i'm wanted around or not. It makes me hurt inside and out. Like i have no power over anything, even if i do. Like the world around me is closing in and streching out. Stuck where i am whilst everything draws away from me. Antigravity. Repulsion. hate? I feel like all my thoughts are bigger than my head and are escaping and only i can see that im not thinking clearly at all. No one else can see that i cant remember anything because now its all coming out and i have no control. No control except to end my pain. I cant even end my pain myself now because beyond death i have guilt. Guilt because now I'm "over that stage". Now I'm "fine". I'm supposed to be "happy". I know happy. I do feel. Sometimes too much. When i think about my feeling i just get more and more deppressed because every iota of fun and "happy" i feel is connected with some deep pain of some sort. I was happy hanging out with Heather (only cause Ash dumped you). Pieter is a friend whose always there for you (Which is why he always calls and includes you... not) Ash still wants to be your friend (but you can never trust her again... can you?). Morgan makes me happy (you dont have Morgan anymore). Phone sex with Jose is fun (He's only using you). You can be happy (they want to medicate you anyway). I can die (You've tried. You only be hurting the Happy People). I'll be 16 in a few days (Nobody else cares). What am I? A toy for the amusement of others? How can everyone be so blind to me? God loves me, why doesnt anyone else? Am I real? Is everyone else? Maybe, maybe not. how do i know. i dont, i wont and i dont really care because they feel real enough. I am not sociopathic. I know the world is real. I know that when i hear a voice no one else hears, that it isn't real. just a side affect of having a three hundered ring circus of a mind. I know the difference and i know that if i didnt really want to hear anything, i wouldnt. Otherwise, i would be crazy. I am not crazy. Deppresive, prehaps. That is not for me to decide. Otherwise i would have presribed Prozac to myself a long while ago and OD'd. Which is why you cant prescribe stuff to yourself. But i wouldn't anymore (i think). Kill myself i mean. I'm over it appearently. I have 56 phone numbers in my cell phone. I reguarly use about 8 of them. One is my voice mail and four others are family. I am pathetic sometimes. And i call my sister a loser. Well okay, she is. But she doesnt want to kill herself and i am the only person who can get her mad enough to scream. Because of my low self image i have the means to pinpoint other peoples insecuritys. It's easy. Annie is covered in being fake to hid the fact that she is. Ashley worrys so much because shes afriad to be alone and that no one will like her. Stacy is overly devout because shes afraid that she doesnt really belive in god. My mother is afraid that she will never be able to reach me. And she won't. But she's more ashamed of the fact that she thinks/knows it must be because of her. And it is. I cant talk to her because she is who she is. Does this knowledge (and my use of it) make me evil or manipulative? Most people know that im funny and they mostly believe that im intelligent (i work hard on vocabulary). Some know that I get depressed. Very few have really seen me when i am deppressed. Almost everybody would descibe me as nice, among other things. Dose "nice" mesh at all with manipulative? or evil? Doubtful. Argh, its 12 something already. i need something better to do in life than blogging. Like, i dunno, something. Im a cool loser. I think Everclear said it best:
they said you called me maybe yesterday
i don't even have the strength
to pick up the phone
you wouldn't even know me
since you went away
the prozac doesn't do it for me anymore

you ought to
take your medication everyday
be a good dog
live life in a wonderful way

tell me why
you want to be blind
i don't want to be
normal like you
i know now
everyday
i get closer
to the place inside where i can be normal too

i heard those stupid people
talk about you again
i just have to laugh to keep from hurting bad
their simple minds just cannot seem to understand
you are neurotic and depressed
it doesn't mean that you're sad

you walk around oblivious to everything
you wear that party dress and black mascara
like you're queen for the day

i will never be normal like you

you walk around oblivious to everyone
i see you walking slow and simple
underneath the big black sun

tell me why you want to be blind
i don't want to be
normal like you
i know now
everyday

i get closer
to the place inside
where i can be complacent

i get closer
to the place inside
where i can be sedated

i get closer
to the place inside
where i can be normal too

where i can be normal like you
maybe normal like you

i can be normal like you

CMaZ








why me?