HA, in another 10 days i will be 16. I really (REALLY) hope to get a computer and i think i might actually get my birthday wish this year (hands clasped in prayer). Jose just called me (AGAIN) a few minute ago. WHY WONT HE LEAVE ME ALONE? I dont want to be his girlfriend and i have no desire to talk dirty to him on the phone anymore. It was stupid to begin with and it's only getting stupider by the minute. I am never ever giving out my phone number ever, ever again. I shall be the caller not the calle. I doubt that that's really a word. Oh well. I feel so tired. Argh. This sucks. The other day Ashley wrote me a letter and the last line or so (the only one she asked about me; she has her own problems right now) she asked if i had talked to Morgan. My Morgan. I almost cried. First of all, because i still feel pretty bad about myself whenever i talk about him. But also because i realized that i hadnt told her what happened (we split; I instigated but it was a mutual decision). I i thought about how close we were before she, you know, changed, and how during the last few days of school, she rarely spoke to me face to face. How she would of rather spent her time with Joe and Steven (mostly Joe then; Mostly Seven now). And Rachel. Oh lord, how she spent more time each day with Amanda, Alex (whom i both dislike) and Kelly (who I greatly distrust). Why was i, her former wife, now ignored to such a great extent? It broke me to find out that we had drifted that far already. To the point that she didnt even know that i broke off my illicit affair with an older guy. why? How could i have grown this close with my friends girlfriend that she knew before ashley what had happened. That i could ridicule the stalker like calls of my former wife with Heather? Heather is my closest close friend now. Maybe even my closest friend. I trust her (heather) so much now. Just the other day we went out and saw Pirates of the Carribean (sp) and spent an hour or so at the mall. I had so much fun. I dont think I thought of Ashley unless she was calling. I dont think i was the one who drifted from Ash, i think she drifted form me so i went and had to find another facet for my emotions and jokes (i have a lot of both). Heather is such a good friend. Im scared of being so close with her however. She is Pieters girlfriend. I dont want them to breakup, but if they did, what would i do? Pieter, i dunno know how he feels about me. Sometimes he acts like the best friend i could ever have, and then sometimes i feel like he would be all the happier if i had never met him at all. Like he just cant figure out how to get rid of me. And i hate that uncertainty. Uncertain about what i would do if my bestfriends broke up and hated each other. Uncertain as to if i'm wanted around or not. It makes me hurt inside and out. Like i have no power over anything, even if i do. Like the world around me is closing in and streching out. Stuck where i am whilst everything draws away from me. Antigravity. Repulsion. hate? I feel like all my thoughts are bigger than my head and are escaping and only i can see that im not thinking clearly at all. No one else can see that i cant remember anything because now its all coming out and i have no control. No control except to end my pain. I cant even end my pain myself now because beyond death i have guilt. Guilt because now I'm "over that stage". Now I'm "fine". I'm supposed to be "happy". I know happy. I do feel. Sometimes too much. When i think about my feeling i just get more and more deppressed because every iota of fun and "happy" i feel is connected with some deep pain of some sort. I was happy hanging out with Heather (only cause Ash dumped you). Pieter is a friend whose always there for you (Which is why he always calls and includes you... not) Ash still wants to be your friend (but you can never trust her again... can you?). Morgan makes me happy (you dont have Morgan anymore). Phone sex with Jose is fun (He's only using you). You can be happy (they want to medicate you anyway). I can die (You've tried. You only be hurting the Happy People). I'll be 16 in a few days (Nobody else cares). What am I? A toy for the amusement of others? How can everyone be so blind to me? God loves me, why doesnt anyone else? Am I real? Is everyone else? Maybe, maybe not. how do i know. i dont, i wont and i dont really care because they feel real enough. I am not sociopathic. I know the world is real. I know that when i hear a voice no one else hears, that it isn't real. just a side affect of having a three hundered ring circus of a mind. I know the difference and i know that if i didnt really want to hear anything, i wouldnt. Otherwise, i would be crazy. I am not crazy. Deppresive, prehaps. That is not for me to decide. Otherwise i would have presribed Prozac to myself a long while ago and OD'd. Which is why you cant prescribe stuff to yourself. But i wouldn't anymore (i think). Kill myself i mean. I'm over it appearently. I have 56 phone numbers in my cell phone. I reguarly use about 8 of them. One is my voice mail and four others are family. I am pathetic sometimes. And i call my sister a loser. Well okay, she is. But she doesnt want to kill herself and i am the only person who can get her mad enough to scream. Because of my low self image i have the means to pinpoint other peoples insecuritys. It's easy. Annie is covered in being fake to hid the fact that she is. Ashley worrys so much because shes afriad to be alone and that no one will like her. Stacy is overly devout because shes afraid that she doesnt really belive in god. My mother is afraid that she will never be able to reach me. And she won't. But she's more ashamed of the fact that she thinks/knows it must be because of her. And it is. I cant talk to her because she is who she is. Does this knowledge (and my use of it) make me evil or manipulative? Most people know that im funny and they mostly believe that im intelligent (i work hard on vocabulary). Some know that I get depressed. Very few have really seen me when i am deppressed. Almost everybody would descibe me as nice, among other things. Dose "nice" mesh at all with manipulative? or evil? Doubtful. Argh, its 12 something already. i need something better to do in life than blogging. Like, i dunno, something. Im a cool loser. I think Everclear said it best:
they said you called me maybe yesterday
i don't even have the strength
to pick up the phone
you wouldn't even know me
since you went away
the prozac doesn't do it for me anymore
you ought to
take your medication everyday
be a good dog
live life in a wonderful way
tell me why
you want to be blind
i don't want to be
normal like you
i know now
everyday
i get closer
to the place inside where i can be normal too
i heard those stupid people
talk about you again
i just have to laugh to keep from hurting bad
their simple minds just cannot seem to understand
you are neurotic and depressed
it doesn't mean that you're sad
you walk around oblivious to everything
you wear that party dress and black mascara
like you're queen for the day
i will never be normal like you
you walk around oblivious to everyone
i see you walking slow and simple
underneath the big black sun
tell me why you want to be blind
i don't want to be
normal like you
i know now
everyday
i get closer
to the place inside
where i can be complacent
i get closer
to the place inside
where i can be sedated
i get closer
to the place inside
where i can be normal too
where i can be normal like you
maybe normal like you
i can be normal like you
CMaZ
why me?
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