I feel like I can't escape my mind.

*rubs at face*

tomorrow morning, around the time I would usually go to bed, I will be leaving for Jamies house for a few days. I'm excited.

I guess. I mean, I know I should be excited, I haven't seen Jaime since her graduation.

but. . .

I don't know. I want to sleep. I want to just sorta hermit. But that sorta thing is a lot easier to do when your friends aren't the sort to make sure you do get out.

which, I suppose, is the mark of actual friendship.

So I kinda, uh, I don't know. Scott, I am fairly certain, has no interest in me. I realize this is likely my own fault, for being so goddamned awkward and nervous that I do stupid things. It can't be helped. It would be nice if I could, you know, turn down the spazzometer, but hey, I guess that is just what I get for being me.

I would be nice if, you know, I could glide, gracefully into a room wearing a completely decent sweater that, still, clung to me while speaking in a low husky voice that, despite saying only the most mundane of information, held the attention of every male and probably even questionable females.

but, hey, that isn't me. Who would ever want a krista who could be sure of herself? Not me!

Ignoring sex and all that stuff isn't that hard. Really, unfortunately actually, I think that once I am able to get over the pressure to do what everyone expects of me, I might actually be asexual. Instead of, you know, just thinking about it seriously as something I might maybe just kinda sorta could be.

mmm, modifiers.

I smell delicious because Anna bought me a BILLION JILLION goodies from Lush. Okay, she actually got me their Christmas gift set but close enough. Sonic Death Monkey may just be my favorite thing ever. Ever. Don't argue, it is just that good.

I found a switchblade and now it is mine. I like it. I was flicking it in and out idly while waiting for the bus yesterday. Good times, especially since the Witnesses aren't so keen to approach me. Bitches.

For the bus trip my mom told me to look like a guy so people wouldn't bother me. I reminded her that I am stronger than most males. She refused to believe that people would ignore me based on my physical strength versus my, you know, gender. BECAUSE THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE, LoLROFLC0PTER!!!1!11!.

*cough*

Already used my favorite title today so pretend I took the effort to write something witty here

I hate winter. I hate this time of year for one reason. The way it makes me feel.

this should, by all means, be my favorite time of year. I spend much more time outside, I have the weather I know I adore, sleeping in easier, my pets gain adorable winter weight and I have a valid excuse to bake, which, as we all know, it the one thing I enjoy to do in the kitchen.

But, every year, I fall into this cycle of loathing. Every year I am too sick in my head to notice all the wonderful things around me that, if occurring in July, would make me happy for weeks. Instead, I avoid my friends like the plague, dig out the last bits of black clothing I had from my Ashley days and find new and exciting ways to hate myself more deeply.


and now that I've showered, I am a morose, sad girl who smells faintly of strawberries.

wonderful.

Might as well. Day is long and nothing is wasted

I feel like I'm trapped in this constant cycle of being a lying manipulating bitch.

I'm awful. I'm suspicious and paranoid and I know my friends almost always mean well but I'm always afraid that they don't really want me around, that I'm being kept around as a joke. They people are playing with my emotions to see just how far they can push me. I think this so often yet it has never ever been the case.

I'm so afraid that I'm permanently alone. I am so scared sometimes that this constant loneliness inside is permanent and no matter how many people I have in my life, I will feel it there, gaping and black, reminding me that I have ripped too many people out of my life painfully to be normal.

I don't want to be a mess. I want, someday, to maybe be normal. Maybe with a man who cares about me and who looks at me and see my problems and doesn't try to fix me. And maybe a house and a fence and a garden. And I wont be empty because someone found a way to put back what was missing; stability. A solid place for me to always be. Something to be sure of in my life, something that I could always look at and think "as long as that stands, I will be fine." I used to think that was my family. Then my mother happened. Then my brother. Then my sister. And my father has been gone to me since the very beginning so I'm not too sure he counts at all. These people, the ones who should be counting on me and vice versa, are leaving me behind. My brother lies to me more often than Andrea lies to our mom. It's disappointing the way I can look at my family and know why we are falling apart and think, in some ways, that it might be my fault. Why can't I fix me? Nothing works, I've taken so much just to try and find a way to be normal. To be able to handle things in a way that most people take for granted; rationally. I can know so much intellectually, but emotionally I am all over the place. I am an emotional contradiction. I want to make friends, but I don't want to have to make friends, I want then to approach me. I want love but I cant ever go back to the man I love, so I settle with cheap thrills and disappointment. I need support but I don't want to be supported, I want the strength myself to be able to handle anything.

I am very disappointed in myself. For my whole life. I have failed at basic living.

you cheap lying faggot, merry christmas merry christmas

i. . . am . . . sooo tired.

Baking cookies to christmas music. But, of course, my mom trusted me to pick the christmas music. Helllllooooo irony!

Looking back now, I suppose you were just stating the news

I should be getting ready right now, but I'm not. I'm sitting in the sweatshirt I slept in, writing a blog about how I shouldn't be blogging right now.
okay, that's not the reason I started the entry.
I was thinking about how differently I write here. As compared to my other blogs where there is community and comments and that leads to the constant awareness of having someone evaluate my ramblings, this gives me someplace to pretend I'm writing in private. Not that I want no one to ever read what I write, otherwise I wouldn't even bother, I just become nervous that someone is judging me based on any of these.
I like the way this site looks. I like how it feels to "publish" my entries. I like looking at the archive build and know that I can look back to how I felt during any of those months. Not that those are all entries I would want to remember, most of Fuzzy WAS about David, being able to is the important thing.
It's sad that I never talk about my boy, guy thing. Maybe because I knew as soon as we hung out that we would never last? Maybe because once I met his family I knew he was too good for me? Maybe because I can't stay with any one person for too long before going crazy. Maybe he already knows I'm leaving him. It would be like him to know when I told him and to put his hands on me and let me know everything was okay. Annie asked me about him today. I just don't know what to say. I stopped caring about him. I'm an awful person. I hate being this way. I wish I could commit to something and be happy about it. I lie, I hope, I pretend I can be normal and I can't. I'm practically doomed. Then again, people can always change, people always ARE changing. Static personalities are for bad made-for-TV dramas. I change, obviously *looks back in archive*, but I feel like I am changing for the worst in some cases. I'm definitely becoming a more organized person, at the very least slightly. I'm a little less high-strung, things aren't bothering me quite as much as they would have seven months ago. I can swallow my pride if I'm given enough time. That would really be the big one if you knew me well. I once said "My pride is all I have. Give it up and I have nothing." I said that while refusing to open my door on principle.
I'm a prideful person. I'm selfish. I'm greedy. I don't often think of others with my actions. I don't often think my actions through all the way. My success up to this point has been a lot of luck. I'm afraid of people I know. I want to believe that other people might like me. I really want acceptance my peers on such a level that I don't have to worry about being alone during "those" times. Those times are coming less and less though I still feel it occasionally and don't know what to do besides hide in my room and cry. I've stopped going to any therapy, against my therapists recommendation, of course. Those bloodsucking bastards wouldn't ever want to let go of me. I would be tied up to them with fifty minute talks and lexapro for life if I did what they wanted. While I am slowly growing out of my pride, there are levels of dignity that I will never let myself fall below.

because I love myself more than I have ever been able to love another.

Butterflies and hurricanes

Putting all of my thoughts in one place in dangerous.

Fuzzy On the Outside, Pits Included, ect, ect.

The thing is, by separating my thoughts I have to rethink them, changing them by the mere process of processing them.

I have a fear of rejection. I have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of loss.

I fear people, pretty much. I fear having anything with anyone. Because, as soon as you make a bond to a person you are fixing values to parts of yourself. By making these connections you doom yourself to break them because people are always evolving. Friendship is only asking to be hurt because in the end the person you felt a kinship with is going to be gone and you're going to be standing there with your heart in your hands waiting for them to come back to who they were but they wont because you just weren't important enough to them to slow down and make sure you were growing at the same rate. And by you I mean me. And they I mean my friends past and probably present.

The worst friends I have are the ones who I am closest to.

I don't have any old friends. None of my friends have known me from high school except one and I wouldn't call him a real friend, which, ironically, makes him the person most likely to be around for a long time.

I think I might want someone to love me. I don't know what I am even ready for. But maybe. I might want to go back to Morgan. I don't know. I want it. I really want someone to hold me, and be still and just let me think and take in the sensation on his hand brushing my hair away and the smell and the feel and the shape of his body. But it wont last. Because the closer you tie your heart to someone, the faster the sutures will be ripped from your flesh. I hope that someday I might find the person with whom I will grow with. The person who will be either so much like me, so much dislike me or complement me so well that we stay. In tandem. Maybe, someday, even I can be happy. Someday I might enjoy the company of another person without the constant fear and reaffirmation I have now that these people will break my heart and leave me.

I'm think about you here Ashley, I'm thinking of you.

if my life was a movie i would cut these scenes

I. am. in. hate.

Well, actually, i wouldn't call it hate. I really don't put that much effort into it. It's more like I just greatly dislike the person i am. I fuck up. I fuck up bad. Watch Krista fuck up. Fuck up Krista, fuck up.

It's disgusting really, watching me do this to myself. My family tries to stop it. well, my brother at least. when he is home. and not busy. which isnt very often but he tries and i see that and i feel sick inside because he puts more effort into making me happy than i do for myself.

it's so easy to see why people leave me. i dont know why it still suprises me.

P.S.

my life sucks, according to the internet

the light shine from the window

Gnawing pit in my stomach. I don't want to be here at all. Today is one of those horrible awful no good very bad days. I really think i get too many of those, considering how hard i try to be a good happy well adjusted person.

I have trouble concentrating on this newsmeeting. Aman is saying something about how janitors aren't paid much. Well. . . yeah, of course not, they are janitors.

GATTACA was a great movie. I can never talk about jantitors without thinking about that movie.

Mr. Wong was a great teacher. He taught all of us so much.

I sill change my toothbrush every two weeks thanks to him.

my mind is in free association mode right now without much cause for being that way.

I want to go home, curl into a little ball of Krista and pretend the world doesnt exist for a few more days.

i have this twitching muscle in my thigh. It's really weird. and uncomforatable.

I look adorable today. Wearing my socks always raise my mood but with a day like today it really doesn't make much of a difference. I have my green and navy blue socks.

Jerome is talking to Anna. I can't saying anything in this room and get paid attention. Anna says anything and everyone is all ears. If people paid that much attention to me. . . well, i would try to find a way to abuse the power. Heh, of course. I'm Krista.

I feel so fake still. like there is still something about myself i can't be true to. I don't know why i have this mental block around people. As soon as i talk to anyone i have facade after facade after facade covering and changing anything i want to say. I can't think this way. My life is a big joke it feels.

I can't even concentrate on what i'm thinking here. My thoughts are everywhere and i can't even conciously try to grasp at what I'm thinking or it is gone.

Emo emo emo emo, what is wrong with me? I sound like some HIM fan going on and on about how life in an empty abyss of nothing.

KOTOR is awesome. I'm finishing up my evil campaign. Really, character reactions are a lot cooler when one is an evil jedi. Nothing is more badassed than walking down the street with a dual-sided lightsaber.

rethink

i thought i would never talk to him again. I was angry and i wanted him out. . . of. . . my. . . life.

And now I just got out of his car, walked around my house and climbed back in my window, wincing at the hickies on my chest and smelling like man.

I think i had the right idea at first. I'm pretty sure my life would be better if i had just not seen him, had i left it with what made me mad, that i am JUST this to him. He convinces me, he always charms me. Blegh.

I need someone normal in my life, i someday, hopefully.

I'm at omers house but there is not a omer here. There is Gabe Scott and Calvin, but no omer

So today was supposed to be the day of the vampire but there just isn't because Anna called and now I'm just here with the boys and yes I know Omer is a boy but it is easier with him around because he is bloody fucking Omer.

I think I kinda mightish maybe have some sorta crush on Scott. Maybe. He really isn't good enough for me but he is here. We are playing Soul Caliber III but well, I'm not right now because I'm blogging on the laptop. You know how I do.

there is a reason I titled this fucking thing "retreat". . . Because I fucking use it like one.

I kinda hate being here right now. I love Gabe but these guys are kinda stupid and listening to them talk is just making me angry. Well. Like not really, but in a sorta "I could be doing something so much more productive" way. Not to say that i'm top of the intellectual food chain but I'm a step up from present company, Gaboon excluded. Though I wouldn't say no to sloppy one-time-only make-outs with Scott.

oh. . . we cockified Omers computer. Man, that was fun. I really want to be playing vampire right now. Not listening to this crap. Calvins laugh is exceptionally annoying.

so I've been listening to so much deerhoof. I swear that shit is on crack but I love it. I started reading IT again. Such a wonderful book. I mean, the writing is eh but the story is pure genius.

Krista could be doing so much better. meh.

this phantasm of falling petals vanishes into moon and flowers. . .

this is Krista feeling like nothing in the whole world is really all that important anymore. And know why i feel like this? because it is probably true

okay. it seems to me like high school made it a lot easier for me to laugh at people. ESPECIALLY about love and all that it entails. Though anna is getting the short end of the love stick with me so at least i have company. wonderful, understanding, sweet company. Though this isnt really the best place to have people with in.

it seems like everyone is happily in some sort of romantic bliss. and at the very least anna knows how she feels about her someone, even if he feels he is very much in love with someone else. Me? i dont have emotions anymore that way. I have crushes for weeks at a time and then move on. It's kinda lonely to not have any sorta connection with people i feel like that towards. i wish it was so easy to be jaded

and cynical.

and tired.

but the fert, the fert loves me.

killing yourself for fun and profit

I've legally obtained an obscene amount of music yesterday. I am in an audial based heaven.

deerhoof
live Deathcab
broken social scene
bloc party
mxpx
ellen allien

and god. . . i'm loving it all so much.

*ferret twitching*

and yes, fert loves me.

Killing oneself for fun and profit

well. . . there was nothing on google that could be found with the text reading as it does in the title. . . i plan to rectify that

The pinnacle of human form

I am a jobless loser.

I am pathetic and sitting in a community college for my SECOND YEAR and only slightly closer to getting out and getting transferred.

I live at home

I don't get out at all

I have multiple blogs

and I'm fat

I am a total loser, sad sack case.


and mister fert still loves me.

The freckles in our eyes are mirror images

So much crappy shit going on recently for me. It seems like nothing in the last few days has been intended to be at all enjoyable. Though I guess always feeling sorry for myself and never doing anything to make my situation better could also be a factor in this crappy life thing I got going. Though I guess not working at the store of which I don't speak will be a huge boost to my general mood.

yeah. I'm likely leaving hot topic. Surprised? You shouldn't be. I think omer and Anna are sick of me always bitching and moaning about the stuff we sell and the people we sell it too. I just kinda stand there being the typical anime geek and try to make all the other anime geeks feel like we are cool too. Really, we are. mhmmm. . . Sure. Not having to dress a "scene" will be nice too. Because frankly, half the reason I started there was because I wouldn't have to worry about shit like my clothes. Having to "tune-in" my outfit was ricockulous. But, hey, we all do what we do for the paycheck right? I guess. Just seems like a stupid and self-defeating way to live.

Played a crapload of Ninja Gaiden at Omers house and godDAMN that game is gorgeous. I've played it through a couple of times before, once for speed, once for inventory. But seeing it all again on widescreen HD? Truly awe inspiring.

muah, just took a short break to watch tee-vee with the mother and I now remember why I stopped watching television. . . And why I'm getting set to move out. *eyeroll*

and mister fert STILL loves me.

Purple eyeshadow and toothbrushes

I'm being ricockulously lazy and just bumming around the house for hours. I woke up around ten and yet I have done nothing with my day. I kinda made fun of my sister and then continued to walk around the house looking like a sleepy hobo. Mister fert loves me no matter though, so I guess that's a good thing. How are ferrets here at all? No survival skills. . . None.

I should make a bagel and wake up. But that involves getting awake. And I don't even know what I want to do today. Most likely more bumming.

motivation is not my strongest suite as of late. Or ever really, looking back on my life. I should change this layout. Just for the fuck of it. But that involves actually doing something and I've already been over how I feel about that.

I feel awful about always writing in my blogs because I know everyone hears the typing and is thinking that I'm writing some new short story that will win me esteem and money and publishing deals. But I'm not. I'm just being an emotional teenager and writing about what makes me something special. About why I'm not just like everyone else, why you should pay attention to me. But. . . You shouldn't. I'm really not something that should be noticed.

Illness

ew ew ew

i'm all gross and sick. Pretty much since monday morning i've been quite ill. Not like the cute, fever and headache cold. No, the disgusting sick that makes everyone just leave you alone for a day or two.

i made a really stupid mistake the other day that i really hope doesnt fuck things up in the future. If he asks. . . i was drunk and not thinking/not myself. which, considering my level of sleep deprivation, is almost true. He's so cute too. what a shame he is an awesome friend.

there is nothing left but haiku

this is me being miserable...


yeah, i cant tell the difference much either.

Gabe is a master at cheering me up. mentions of duck tape and a well lit night, maybe a pair of heavy work gloves and how procuring these items for him would solve my problems. I luuuurve gabe for being wonderful like this.


i havent seen anna today and i miss that already im still waiting for her to show up to class. My little mood has picked up a little bit.

maybe. . . a little.


gabe told me to put the naked pictures of a sexy sexy black man away. this makes me giggle.

[fight] or flight (choose one)

Please ignore the awful grammar in that last post. I wrote it while angry, and, as we all know, Krista angry is not a good thing.



Krista a little depressed and disappointed, is a little safer.


I love Anna, I just wish someday a guy would like ME more than her. Because I love her enough for any two people.

Telling him to go to hell was pretty funny on your part babe. But the swimming half naked. . . Not such a good idea. And I would have felt really bad if you had kicked him out.

Akim doesn't have to act like an ass to me anymore, and he pretty much stopped that crap as soon as I mentioned Andy in a non-positive way to him. November wont be soon enough. ^_^

You know what I love about his journal? I didn't put a link for comments, I just put a link to my read me disclaimer (next to the date, the notepad. Read it, know it, love it, live it). This is just about as personal as my written diary (okay, maybe not that personal) and I need it sometimes. A lot.

enough about that. Back to the Krista-is-fucked-in-the-head

I get to see Fisher again today. At one is when I'm heading over there. I don't doubt he is one of a very few who can kinda figure out my streams of consciousness and rearrange it into something legible. If only he wasn't so much older than me. KATONA IS NOT A SERIOUS CRUSH! I just thought she was pretty. damnit.

So, Death Cab's new album. . . Okay. We have the Facts is much better, Something About Airplanes likely their best. Anyone who tries to argue Transatlanticism as their top of de top just really wants another dashboard confessionals-like sound from Ben Gibbard. Out of Plans, brother on a hotel bed was my favorite. Sweet, sad and memorable. Everything I've come to expect from DCFC.

HIM. . . I got his new album for free just by being awesome and being on staff at the newspaper. I guess I have influence or something on campus since my GTA consensual sex article, which Omers Poli. Sci. Professor apparently liked. New album is just as much crap as I expected from this kindergoth's dream. Pathetico and sad and yet another attempt to draw teenaged girls in with pseudo-emotional lyrics. I mean, come one, Razorblade Kisses? How. . . Sad. . . . This one is just as awful. Pre-manufactured Goth-pop-rock at its best/worst. I guess if it sells.

Ah, but I did download Pedro the Lion live and I have just way too much respect for the band as of late. Humble to the crowds, polite and accepting, even when their audience isn't . The same touching sounds and emotional behind each word, facetious or not, case in point being When They Really Get to Know You, They Will Run. Despite the obviously jesting lyrics, you fall into the momentum and instead of laughing you're singing along wondering when you became a misogynist. Pedro is the best thing to happen to my ears, or any orifice for that matter, in a long time.

krista sucks.

i guess i just so good at being editor that they want to pay me because that is the only reason i can think that they would expect me to GIVE UP MY PAYING JOB to work for them. Fuck. So Aman gets all pissy and kicks me off of the editor position in an emotional fit and then gets the very busy deaf girl to take my place. The fuckizzle?

asdghjkfhda

i dont want to see him ever again. but i kinda have to. Damnit. You know, fuck it. im just going to be in a general pissy mood for a couple of weeks. I hate this shit, so much. High school isnt a place, it is a whole mindset. One that the people around me cant seem to let go of, not even the full grown men.

Too bad its not allowed to just kill people who piss me off, because that would be cool

gashes and gnashes

cutcutcutcutcutsliceslitcutdragbleedcrycutslice


im too fucked up to begin talking about it.

so happy

Blue
like water

Blue like heaven is
all of the time

I'm all right
I'm just gagging
on all the all right

I'm so happy
So happy

I'm in heaven
Yeah
heaven

Oh the season's come for opium
Mom...mom
Mom...mom
I'm so happy

I'm in heaven
Yeah heaven

Oh the seizures come
from opium

insufficient

Do you have a friend whom you love mucho? You hang out with this person register for the same classes and go out together at night and do fun things for the first time with one another and try your best to keep the other happy? That special close friend who you feel like you have known for much longer than you really have. Mine is a beautiful young woman who is very much sexual. The men all look at her and want her. She is strong and forceful and loud and demanding and gets what she wants. She doesnt take no for an answer and she commands the spotlight for many reasons including her vast sexuality and constant references to sex and sexual activities. She makes people want her and want to be around her. I like to be around her when other people arent because she becomes like me, quiet and hurt and unsure of the world and plans and the future. But i keep getting this jealously boiling to the top. I want attention too. I want someone to talk to me, even if i'm not the most forward aggressive girl in the room. I always seem to fall into these groups of attractive people who wince and look at me and i can see it in their eyes that they know i could never measure up. My friend has everything, all the attention of the boy she wants, the problem is she wants him to want her in a different way. Nothing but true all out, no holds barred, i-love-you-even-after-you-got-in-a-car-accident-and-destroyed-your-whole-body love. Romance novel love. At age twenty. She has him, wrapped around the stong seductive finger of hers but its not enough. And even so, the attenions of any male in the vicinity must be in her control as well. Which, because i am around her pretty much all the time, means i am commonly ignored to sit with myself or Omer, who is often equally ignored once another male comes on to the stage. And i'm so uglyjealous because i can't do that. My body isnt as enticing, my lips dont pucker quite as suggestively, my innuendo falls flat and my looks are never recieved with all eyes on her.

ive talked to much about this to myself.

MGM produced

Technicolor girls are always on the phone
talking about their homes
and the conversations continue endlessly.

Technicolor boys, transistor radios
blasting their treble tones
and the arguments are disputed after school,
in the parking lot as the teachers bend the rules.

Patiently you waited for a courting boy's embrace,
then everyone would know.
But the letter jacket wasn't yours to own
and it proves to be on temporary loan.

And as they all grow older the truth will be understood,
cause we never turn out the way we thought we would.


things just arent like they should be

your love has come down

Bless Death Cab for always being able to make me feel a little less alone. I think my mind has been a little frazzed the last month or so. Just enough to make me a little crazy for a while. I decided to calm myself down a bit, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I've dyed my hair again. Red, a natural reddish color. Which is relaxing for me. It means less "goth" questions and less generally assholerey. Stress is very much not my friend, but it is pretty much the only thing i have that makes what im doing feel real, or at least more real than my dreams. I kinda tried to explain my dreams to omer, but i dont think he really knew what i was saying. my dreams make it hard for me to tell which life i have is the real one. I fall asleep and wake up in a dream and in the dream i will fall asleep at the end and wake up here and this happens so often that its hard to keep track of which is which. They arent even a perfect world or anything that would let me makr one life as better than another. they are both my lives i just cant always remember when i said what to who where. when i feel good i mostly dont want to sleep and when i feel bad i dont want to sleep either because, what if i woke up and everything was still there, or wasnt?
reality is fleeting and temporary everyday for me. nothing is quite as solid for as "for sure" as i would want it to be. Someday, i'm hoping to meet the one person, be it dream or "reality" who makes one life worth living all the way through. This person could anchor me, one way or another, so i can always know where home was. I've been close once to even thinking that someone could be my lifejacket. I wasnt born this way, i know that. I didnt start forgetting which day it was until high school. But it feels like its been forever now. Hindsight is a funny thing. I wish i had a camera i could take with me in the shower for when i dye my hair red. The water is the axact shade of blood in bathwater. With the crimson liquid splashed all over the tub, the walls and my body, i look like a suicide girl gone wrong. I could take a few pictures, bloody and naked and nameless and call it my babtisml. i'm in debt. i'm awful with money. I cant keep track of it and the numbers just run over my head and i never am able to keep it anywhere in my thoughts for long. I hate money talk. I hate taking peoples money. I hate working on register. i hate collecting debts and i hate having my debts collected. I wish that i wasnt so bad with the idea of currency and how to use it for what i need. I am a compulsive buyer. I buy at the counter, i am talked into purchases, i tend to not think about anything when i buy buy buy. I am capitalist consummerism. I make our society work and i keep myself a nervous wreck with no way to survive. I want out of this house. Frankie promised me an out, but i dont see it and my mind is telling me lies about frankie and that would be back because frankie is pretty much my only trustworth friend or relative. maybe i'm just a bug, dreaming of people, building a tunnel or dirt house and living my week long life to its fullest. Im very tired and not to sure of what im typing our. i guess my hands just know where to go. the fuckers.

this is not a real title

slap me, make sure i dont feel like this forever. I am so fucking emo right now i swear to all that is unholy.


i hate me sometimes

Again... Again... Recycle emotion

Up late, even though i have a long day tomorrow. Tomorrow will be my first deadline day and. . . my. . . I am very into the newspaper thing already. And Akim. *slouch* i dont really know. i mean. no, i dont really mean anything. This, this whole thing with him, is self-destructive, which is probably why i like it. Me makes me think things about myself that i would rather not believe. Like how impulsive my true nature is. I cant handle anything long term like this, but it isnt really anything so i cant end it and i dont really want to. Lately the desire to up and take a bus to L.A. and having ridiculous sex with Akim for a weekend has been drifting into my daydreams. I miss th treatment he would give me, making me feel good about myself and like i was a beautiful person, like all those pictures of people i see. i need to stop fooling myself

In the newsroom, dum dum dumdumdumdum

As stated, i am in fact in the newsroom. Journalism class is a really kicker. I have been offered a chance at becoming editor. WTF? i have been on newspaper staff a total of a week today. Needless to say, wow. I am excited and i would love to help and do this. I mean, my god. My parents would probably be excited. Not as excited as the guy next to me's parents. They bought him a laptop for being promoted to editor of the sports section. And i would be editor for features. My lord. But i kinda want to. I have to talk to our teacher, but Jessica reccomended me and i think that holds a lot more sway with Mr. Parks than anyone would want to admit. I keep typing louder as i become more emoted about this subject and no doubt that is bad for me and my inchorencey, because we all know i have a problem with that. Freewriting has to be the best thing i have ever practiced ever. It makes it a whoooole lot easier for me to pump out stories.


shit. . . clock on this computer is behind. i just talked with bill. . . im editor.


oh my

incoherency at its lowest

today was one of those do nothing days that fade into memory and end up having no relevance to the rest of your life ever again. I hate these days. My brother just offered me the best solution ever. He wants to invest in a condo and he wants me to move out with him. I am beyond excited. this could be just what i have been waiting for for the last year. I just hope this is one of his ideas that pan out instead of fading into the past never to be spoken of again, which is something that happens more often than you would tihnk. i havent done anything for my newstories yet except gather information. not rough drafted or anything yet and my deadline is wenseday. blegh. mister fert is looking at me and you know what? i like that. he is the one creature i wouldnt mind spending my whole life with. I know i always write so much about mister fert and about how much i love him but honestly he just makes me life better. I smile when he is around and he makes me mood immediately elevate. We fell asleep together for a while this afternoon and mom walked in and we both raised our heads and looked at her at the same time. It was cute and then we both fell back asleep on my bed. He is all asleep in his cage right now. No matter how much i try, i just cant sleep as much as mister fert.

I've been reading The Man in the High Tower (Phillip K. Dick) and it is just about as good as i've heard. Weird idea for anyone to think up but interesting. My music choices have been unusually eclectic lately. Juliana Theory, Mindless Self Indulgence, Otep and Pedro the Lion. Work music has been getting on my nerves. I cannot listen to one more pop-punk ironic cover of a top 40's pop dance hit from '99. There are more of those than you would realize. I feel like more of a regular at work every week. Which is nice because it seemed like everyone was fitting in better than i was, which, i have no doubt, is true. But it still isnt a nice feeling. And i havent put my books back in their shelves so i have two half loaded bookcases, an entier shelf of my closet covered with books and a gigantic box of books. organization and I never really got along.

School has been very fun. I changed my schedule around a bit. I open up the day with mass media and society move into asian religions take an hour break, newspaper staff to cultural antropology to english. Its a good busy day and i usually have work right after my last class. And i dont even have my last class on fridays, which is very nice.

My mind is all over the place right now. I cant sit and think about the same thing for more than a few minutes. Inbetween these half thought paragraphs i sit and stare at the screen without my glasses for a few seconds, wondering if what i have to type has anymore relevance to the previous sentence or if i am still just not able to keep a linear flow of conciousness. It seems no matter what i do my thoughst always seem to speed ahead of my fingers and i never get to catch up untill my thoughts lap me and im able to keep track of them again for a moment untill they speed up and away again. . . . it just happened agian now. i'll take it as a cue to stop

If this is something inside of me, i no longer wish to share residence with it.

Something, i dont know what, inside of me makes me angry, makes me scream and kick and want to hurt every single time people tell me that i am wrong when i feel that i am oh so very right. The problem, of course, is that i dont feel physical pain as. . . well, pain. I can cut and burn and dont want it. I want my pain. I want to feel awful and worse than i did so i can have some control over this monster that everyonehit and feel it but not flinch or not want it. It feels good again but i else can unleash at a moments notice. I could rip and fight right now. I hate and hiss and grate my teeth. This is not something i want right now. This is something that other people telling me right now. I dont want it to be telling me how wrong i am right now. I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO TELL ME IM WRONG RIGHT NOW.

and what happens when i say what i think is that i am worse. I dont feel pity for myself. I feel angry at me. No one seems to realize that the person i want to hurt most is myself.

Krista is still my name

*rubs face

i slept in way too late today. And i have church this evening. Which is always fun as long as i dont get harrassed about what taoism is. I took a stress test yesterday and dayamn. I am apparently very stressed out, even though i didnt realize it. I guess the meter went all the way up to the top everytime i said mom, dad, medicine, home, sleep, work, school, clothes, familiy, friends, love, or life. which is just about eveything i ever talk about. My room is coming out very nicely. The green walls help me feel much more relaxed and the tan walls just make me feel more at home in my room. and i sleep better on a made bed apparently. My hair color is fading, i need to dye it again. Work is fun, i do enjoy working at. . . where i work. I dont know what it is about work that is stressful but *shrug* i guess it is. Probably because people i dont want to see keep coming in there. I left school for a reason, to get away from all these people. Blegh. My friends from Ohlone are fun. We are getting a hotel room all together for next Fanime. I am beyond excited. Drunken exploits AHOY! ha. I need to think of something to wear for church. And i also kinda want to say "fuck church" and go to work tonight. I was offered a four hour shift but. . . church was in the way. I could use the hours, honestly. This semester is going to kill me. and then beat the dead body on the side of the road. I've been having some trouble with my family recently. I dunno, it seems like they stopped caring what i do with my friends at night. Its strange and unsetteling but i dont know how to bring it up to them without getting grounded. blegh

so i am off then. Getting dressed is sooo overrated.

hello, my name is krista martinez

ive been sleeping for a long time already. Mostly because i'm too lazy to do much else. There is this nagging in the back of my head and i dont know what to do with everything i havent done. Does that make sense? Not likely. Blegh, there isnt enough time, it feels like, to be doing anything with my life. i havent made my bed in weeks and iend up sleeping sideways and falling off all night. There are bags of clothes on my floor and bags of god knows what else. I've painted one wall of my room and that makes me smile because i love the color and it looks good. I still have three more walls but it will happen in due time. I'm going out with Ana tomorrow and that will be loads of fun i hope. I really do need to get out of the house more. I need to not be stuck here like a loser hermit. Which may or may not be true. I dressed as emo for work yesterday, it was fun. I also bought a shitload of crap, three shirts, two pairs of socks, a shirt for annie, and a pin for Dr. Fisher. my boobs feel hot and i'm still tired.


cold shower.

anyway, it would be nice if someone called me. I just hate feeling like everday is uneventful

Monday, the day of my brothers birth

I always end up blogging so late in the day that the header shows the day before. this is mildly upseting and slightly disorientating. I have yet to sleep so for me, it is still monday. My brothers birthday was today, didnt do too much because he was already half beat because he was giving a speech at some crazy wedding over the weekend in vegas. Sounds like it was fun. Clint was the best man, which makes me giggle a bit. 18 does not feel a damn bit different that 17, which is a little dissapointing. I need to get out. luckily i work tomorrow morning. which is always nice, you know.

yeah


im done

a saturday night

My friends are awesome. and Melanie, my flclincestuallesbianavuncular is super too. i left all my food and my presents in Omers car though. including my cheese. . .


DAMN YOU KAHN!!!

yeah.

i love the cheesecake factory. Gabe treated us to hookah and i bought our meals and cheesecake and you know what?

i could give two shits about the money because i was just happy to be there with my friends and mel and to be having fun and to feel so good about myself. just sitting there with all of them and having conversations around and smiling. i wish it just hadn't ended.

birthday breakdown

my birthday was amazing and i loved every minute.


18

like a motherfucker.

the day before the day before my birthday.

And yes, that is in fact a valid "special day", as is the whole week of ones birthday.

I'm cleaning my room out in anticipation of new paint on these boring white walls of mine. I'm thinking natural greens, tans and browns. Because, everyone would love to have a forest for a bedroom. I know i would.

San Andreas is super fun. soooo. . . many. . .hookers. GAH! i love.

I'm kinda still in dire need of male companionship. I refuse to call Akim anymore, now that he is gone, it seems pointless. Boyfriend are a huge ego and self-esteem boost. the assurance that you are desirable and there are people who want you. It's nice. and also something i dont get nearly as often as i feel i should. In time, in time. . .

Is it special? When you're lonely? Is everything different? A new perception? One without need or desire for outside influence? Or a lust for acceptance and place in society?

i fancy myself a former.

*hums The Longest Winter from Pedro the Lion*

driving test woes

my second permit test. And i studied hard for it too damnit.



good thing i gots me a perfect score.

and frankie is baaaack home

something for which i am supremely glad. I missed the damn booger. A lot. Even if we dont get to talk very much i still feel better after each little conversation we have. I stayed up to get a chance to say hi to him. Blegh, anyway, i should sleep, i have my permit test in the morning. Geh, i'm, three days short of eighteen and just getting to driving. Pshay

Mister fert is upside down with his tongue stuck out.

My room is such a mess and is it really such a bad thing to like it this way? I am actually starting to be able to really be able to keep up with the mammals in my room and I know if I wanted to I could make time to keep all my own crap organized but I don't like it that clean. I tend to be quite scatterbrained myself and a neat and tidy thinking place just doesn't do it for me, whatever IT is. Would my room still be my room if it was clean, bed made, all my books shelved, vacuum lines in the carpet, all fresh like an ad for healthy teenage living? I doubt it. My hair is cold and wet right now, compliments of the freezing showers I take to help keep my hair color bright. Thank god Michele fixed that pink crap, but really. . . Did she need to go all out with the black temporary dye? Oh, I got this awesome poster in Avila. I'm using it to decide my whole room scheme. It's an Absinthe Robette print and I was in love when I saw it. But then again. . . The love of krista is more fleeting than mister ferts obsessions. Green, tan and blue. It will be my room of awesomeness. And I am finally getting rid of that broken dresser. Man I hate that thing. My neighbors want it because its good oak but fuck. . . The whole thing is warped and only two drawers actually fit and one of those has the bottom falling out into the drawer below it. Silly neighbors and their poverty. I still haven't unpacked from the beach. And I really can't wait for my birthday, my mom took me shopping for my birthday outfit and I ended up getting three strapless dresses, two jackets, shoes, a shrug and another flower pin. I love my employee discount. I love it hard. I'm doing my ink work lately, finally giving charcoals and photoshop a break. I'm still getting used to my brush pens and trying to work with the idea that pressure doesn't change the color as much as just picking up a lighter or darker gray pen. I like monotone. I also like febreze. And mister fert. I like him more than anything else. I don't know how I will ever get by without his funky lil face pressing against the bars to beg me to let him out.

forgot. . .

i had another sex dream last night. There was a school music/comedy thing and one of the performers was the black guy with a semi-fro that had a red streak in it, kinda like my new hair color. and he was almost flirting with me and i was trying to get him to notice me and then he told me he was interested in Taylor, another guy. I asked if he was gay and he said no but he just wanted taylor and taylor wanted him. When i turned around taylor ws with another guy and the guy i was interested in was walking away upset. he told me how he knew taylor would do something like that and so i gave him a hug and kissed his neck blah blah blah and he said he really needed an angry fuck so i undid his pants blah blah blah, we had sex and then we got lost inside a ghost house that was haunted by Matt Damon and that other guy always around him. . . Ben something. We had sex inside a bathroom inside the house. I was. . . very indisposed when i woke up.

I just barely woke up

and i know this will be a bad day already. Everyone is griping, dad is hung over, mom is feeling in one of her complaining moods and i'm. . . I'm just sick of everything and everyone always asking me if i took my goddamned pill. Mister fert still makes everything so much better. He rolls over and licks my face and all i can d is smile and admit to myself that things are not so bad.

back from pismo

well. . . okay, i've been back for a while but i didn't have an adaptor for my computer. Anyway. My 18th is next thursday. I'm excited in that weird way. Mom bought me a bunch of birthday clothes today. It's kinda a thing our whole family does. The wekk before someone birthday they get to pick out outfits and buy almost all of them. And the everything besides the outfit they wear on their birthday in wrapped and considered a gift. I really hope i get a motoscooter. Me and dad have picked out some really cool ones and i think it would be awesome. Monday i take that silly little drivers test and i am beyond ready for it, im to the point where studying is just boring because i know everything i need to know. I can't wait to get jamie here. It's going to be really awesome. and fun. and i really cant wait. Oh, pismo was fun. I spent pretty much the whole time in the water. My hair got bleached out courtesy of the sun and salt for five or six hours at a time. Dark purple turned to cotton candy pink. i got it dyed again today and the lady did some weird shit where my hair is almost all black with a purple chunk and a red chunk. and my purple bangs of course. i hate black hair. seriously. black hair does NOTHING for me. Stupid salon lady/bitch/whore of babylon. the bird likes the red and mister fert loves me no matter what so its really not that big of a deal in the long run. as long as he loves me then it must not be so bad.

grooming fert

people suck a whole lot compared to fert. If people were more like ferrets i think i would get along with everyone a whole lot better.

My mom is yelling at me and being stupid. this whole stupid vacation idea is crap and i hate it, i dont want to go with my familiy right now. All i want to do is sleep and ignore everything. mostly sleep though. and smoke. Lots of smoking. my life feels like it is fake right now. I dont feel at home with anything I'm doing. it makes me want to just run away and forget i was ever in my situation. if there is anything more i want, its nothing i cna conciously think of right now. My school schedule is fun this fall.
1 ANTH-102-04 (024516) Cultural Anthropology 7 7203 LEC MWF 01:00PM 01:50PM K. Amherd 3.00
2 PE-360A3-01 (025499) Beginning Badminton 9 GYM LAB MWF 11:00AM 11:50AM J. Peterson 1.00
3 ENGL-101A-23 (024921) Reading & Written Composition 2 2207 LEC MW 02:00PM 03:15PM
J. Hurley 4.00
4 PHIL-110-01 (025539) Intro to Asian Religions 3 3101 LEC MWF 10:00AM 10:50AM J. Van Vleet 3.00

and i'm going to pick out one more one unit class to bring me up to an even 12.00 which is something i've been fighting tooth and nail over with mom. She doesnt think i can do anything. she is always holding me back, it seems no matter what or how well i do. To have a mother who has no faith in me is hard a lot of the time. She told me i could never get another job, last semester she told me that i would never get good grades doing school and work but hell, i still have my 4.000 gpa and i often remind her of that. i like having my days full. I dont want to sit at home with her reiterating how i am useless, dont do anything to help, smell and cant and wont suceed at life in general unless i follow her plan. She is even trying to get me to give up the flute, the only instrument i have ever been able to naturally play well. I dont know what to do about her sometimes. its stupid and i hate feeling how she makes me feel. If i didnt know better, i would say she hates me more than any other one person.

the beach with the church and the family

it turned out well enough. Our car was filled with these extremly annoying children who thought i wias the coolest thing ever because of my job and it made me just want to slap them and kick them and you know, commit general acts of rage. I didnt.

I brought Fert with me, which is the best idea i have ever had. He made everything bearable and he is cute and i love having him around with me, especially places i am not comforatable at. When i have Fert, people dont stare at me, they stare at him and he loves being stared at because that means ear scratches and pettings and treats.

Sibling antagonism

My sister is a huge bitch. I don't know why she is, she just is.

You see, I've been sentenced to help my local Christian fellowships youth group as sound tech and attendee. The problem is. . . I'm Taoist. So I tend to just go with it but I do have to tell quite a few people to back off because I am not Christian and me praying to their god would be blasphemy. But I go. And I go to church happily because what else can I do?

today is a beach trip. So me, mom, dad and my sister are going, so of course, my sister has to make a huge problem of it. She yelled at mom for two minutes, dad called and she held the phone and tried to act all sweet to dad saying she just wanted to stay home to watch her dog. Now she slammed a door on me when I was trying to give her a pin I bought for her yesterday when I was out with Anna and Omer. She just doesn't have any sense of decency or common human behavior. Its annoying and it makes me angry to watch her act like this. I read to passages from the Tao te ching already just to feel more calm and to help myself just go with this. But it is hard when I've been watching this stupid girl act like this since forever whenever there is something she doesn't want to do. She makes everyone around her miserable. And unfortunately, it usually works for her.

I will not be angry. I will not let my emotions determine what I am. I will just be calm and let this be just another obstacle that I can easily surpass.

birthday woes. But not really

my mom is bribing me to get my drivers liscense.

She knows my kryptonite too. She says she will buy me a vespa for my birthday if i get the damn thing. a vespa. A nice, new shiny one. I could go back to the Arlen Ness mueseum and pick any one i liked.

and a vespa would be good you know. I wouldnt be able to hurt anyone else on one. i would just be a danger to myself and thats fine by me.

a few changes

no more comments for one. If the need is there, send an email. I keep track of those better. for your instant gratification, there is an AIM link as well.

*rubs temples*

Akim moved. There goes the longest *thing* i ever had.
i got a new job. I'm busy there and i like that.
I have a headache. it really isnt that bad at all, just annoying.
food lost a lot of appeal to me.
smoking is just a pastime, i didnt take up cigarettes, thank goodness.
all in all, im okay. I'm writing haiku. Haiku and spoken word.
my art is not getting better at all. Lots of charcoal work lately.
akim once told me i look sexy with charcoaled hands and smears of charcoal on my forehead.
he said a lot of things to me that werent true either.
my ferret keeps me company.
i love fert more than the world.
I miss gabe. i miss my old friends.
i miss people.
some people just. . . they dont know who i am.

and all in all, that is okay.

That feeling in your throat like you just swallowed something poisonous

I want to cry and kick and scream. In that order. There is so much about my life right now that I hate and hate and hate and I just want to exit stage right and ignore curtain call and just cut the whole scene. Just leave. Check out. Gone. I hate people. I hate you. I hate what you all do to me. My empathy destroys me. Criticism cuts deep. I feel so much pain from so many people and all I want to do is feel something new. To believe that I haven't done enough. I still need to live and learn, I want to know that more innately by knowing more now. But doing what I haven't done yet. But I have no one. NO ONE. Nothing to hold onto anymore. Its just sickening how much a very short thought can permeate. Nothing feels right right now. Its just wrong and sick and my skin is crawling, my throat is caved, my heart is silent, my eyes blurry, my mind swimming, my mouth dry, my stomach sore, my everything anything. Pretense, hate, hurt, spite, vexation, hurtful, exhale. There is nothing I want to do more right now than to sit back and smoke a bowl of blueberry shisha. So far smoking has been the only thing that is calming me down. I think I might have to take up tobacco as well as caffeine to hold my balance now. Nothing is right when IM not chemically altered. And I cant cant cant deign to pills right now. Every orange bottle, every green capsule is another spike into what's left of me. At least a draw from a hookah is smooth. I'm just slowly pushing away everything I think would ever matter to my life or my being. I always feel like I'm running a temperature, as if my body is slowly becoming smoke and I will just be able to float away, disappear and be at one with the wind, with the peace, with nature, with the ten thousand things. To be at one with the system of the world is something I cant do. I care too much what others say around about me or to me. Thinking about simple human cruelty is enough to make me think long and hard about my own morals which are shaky and questionable at best. *scratches neck* I'm just sick of this petty being. I am rebuked at every edge. I feel ultimately unwanted, undesired, unneeded, misplaced, disoriented, malfunctioning. I think I am ignoring something. There is one piece gone from my life and it is what makes this whole world work. Something about everyone else lets them not shirk and cry and the thought of a future out of control and different. I cant stand thinking about what will happen to me in a month, not to mention life past that. And early death would be a blessing. I stopped being really me two weeks or so ago. Just like that I wasn't in character. I was reading, I was emoting lines, I was pretending my life what just where I wanted it. it is not. It wont be for a very long time because I cant even make enough time anymore to say what's going on in this sad mind of mine. blogs are really all I have when I think about it. And I do. Think about it. I think about what I can do to avoid life, to avoid people. I think I could work sound tech for the rest of my life. Make enough money to buy a couch to sleep on.. But I don't know what I can realistically do with my life. Its so hard to be able to tell what I will want to do idlkfjlksjlkafkljfjkl;sdklgjkldfnvm,nvkljhsflgnjksf jf jhjlkf kshfs jkh fsjkgyhjkfnjklgyhjkfgnlvj vgtgjo]


I HATE YOU ALL
YOU SUCK
AND IT MAKES ME SICK TO SEE YOU BEING ALIVE YOU FUCK

i dont think there is a way to get back up

I cant believe how badly everything can go because i made one incredibly stupid mistake. and because of this one mistake now im getting blamed for all sorts of shit. it makes no sense and i dont know why i even confessed anymore. i hate how things are turning out. people were supposed to know me better than to think like this of me. but they dont they just think the worst of me without even asking me anything. it sucks a whole lot and i dont know why it happening like this.

removed some stuff
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

if i was in southpark
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

yeah, its terrible lighting in my room.
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

duy makes a shocking discovery.
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

stutter step to those slammin grooves as im waiting around for you

my ferret is scaling down the side of his cage. my little baby is the cutest this ever. dont argue, you know its true. i want to set something up with my nerd friend to go out and do the board game thing. but im staying home to baby sit the pets. I shit you not. mostly since we just got another bird. I bought my mom the sun conure, a five fucking hundered dollar bird. only a month and a half old. sweetest little thing ever. he kisses and squaks and does cute little falling things. baby birds are adorable. anyway, so yes, im just sitting at home with our little zoo making sure everyone is alive. as you can imagine, exciting

in vien with something else

my ferret wants to drink my 7up, my boss wants me to be super-cashier, my parents want me to shut up, my friends are semi-nonexistent, my life is crumbling, my libido has dissapered, my room is a mess, my sister is going down paths i never wanted her to know, my brother is drifting slowly into adutlhood, my grades are as good as they will ever be, my funds are ever decreasing, my alarm clock isnt waking me up

everything is about me.

why couldnt my life be more like a japanese movie?

i am so dissapointed right now

This is new for me

My blog before, from before at least, PitsIncluded, got a lot of hits. That didn't bother me. I like getting feedback on my most personal thoughts. I even thought it was a good thing that the school knew about it, they knew I was so very unhappy with my life. Now, it's gone. I don't even have half that reader base on all my other blogs combined. So, instead of writing this to everyone for me, I'm writing it because I know there is one person who will read it if only because I commented to him earlier today on a whim. Eric, I don't know you very well. I only met you once. I liked you as a person. You were supremely cool and you have great taste in music. I'm not good at talking to people, especially about my feelings. The only reason I can even articulate this is because I have had a very long relationship with the blog*spot post box and its changes over the years. I read your blog, I hope that's okay, but I saw the link in your profile. I read the first entry at the time, which was about Bernies birthday party. I like the way you say things. The more I thought about it, which was a lot of thought considering we only met for one night with a group of friends, the more I thought I liked you more. I know I'm ahead of myself, and I figure you haven't given nearly this much thought to me. Would you like to go out again? Group or otherwise. It would be nice to spend some more time with you. I like you. And I mean "like" in the way that I used to giggle about in middle school. I'm quite afraid to say it. You are probably the best guy I have ever liked which is another reason I'm likely so reluctant. My dating history is not the best and I hope you can forget that. And yes, everything I say in my blog is much more melodramatic than anything I do in real life, I swear. *eyeroll*

Hi, my name is Krista and I am a reluctant romantic.

no really. . . this is how i sleep.
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

that is one high fucking score
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

i need something to do with my day...
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

holy shit... i think thats the highest ive ever been
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

eat that mikester
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

holy shit... okay, i swear to do something productive now.
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

holy shitake mushroom
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

on a freaking roll now
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

*thunk*


much too tired for much more that "clue was fun, yay for board games"

wensday night game

last night i played risk with some of my school friends and one of their friends. it was a shitload of fun. it is actually a lot more fun once you get a hang of the rules. i was declared winner with my control of atlantis, half of africa and some of europa. *whoo*. i had my hand kissed goodnight, which was weird and formal. i molested Anna and had my breast felt. the census was good and nicely shaped. which they are. i have a busy day friday. School until four, work until ten and risk untill saturday. it'll be fun. i hope

English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 81% Advanced, and 100% Expert!

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he lays in bed like this. its ridiculous
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

fert being lazy in the sun
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

my baby kissing me
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

the princes face.
another picture from me, to you, thanks to Hello

Yes, the white girl is listening to Kanye.

And shut the fuck up about it, i was listening to the ep before it fucking came out. Being pigeon holed by how i look can be pretty fucking annoying. Yeah, i have dark hair, yes, i wear thick glasses most the time and yes i fucking like my old jeans and chucks. i am not your stereotype, i am not a fucking straight edge and i really hate how condescending the whole lot of people who claim to be anything are.



long day today. look forward to music class tomorrow and seeing anna and omer. I am thinking of taking the little prince himself with me to school tomorrow. i must post his photo here after this post. he is the laziest fucker i know. Fert is the little prince, a european bred sable ferret. funny looking fucker as well.

talking to a friend of mine who i used to mess around with. We havent talked in a while and i just started talking to him again hoping he would 1)give me my shit back and 2)start fucking around with me again. hormones do that.

i'm waking up early tomorrow to give Mr. Dries a purple condom before i head off for my campus. there is a story behind the colorful contraceptive, involving the animal kingdoms and innappropriate school acronyms. which is why everyone loves mr. dries so damn much.
and its not like im get a whole lotta use outta the condoms anyway.

i should sleep now. its hard to get back into the blogging huge ass fucking entries. but i will. i swear it.

i totally got my blog description from a porn site

not too much going on recently. the regular work drama, which is always fun. Manager supposedly fired for stealing, shelby is supposedly fucking the ugly short manager, nancy is supposedly pregnant, george is supposedly my friend. Blah. And amazingly enough, my school friends dont have drama. they have relationships, but nothing on the same scale as work or high school. i have a test tomorrow and about six hours worth of homework due. i need to work on my course paper, the only thing i have done so far is research and print that stuff out. And i have decided to stay on medications until im out of the teenage years. twenty two should do it, to get me past the hormonal spikes. i have game night with my friends this wednesday or friday, depending on what happens tuesday. its fun. we play board games and we laugh and its great. very normal compared to most my life. but then again, what isnt normal compared to most my life?

and now i come back

yeah, everything about my old blog i missed. so i took a few hours, fixed everything up and manually put all my old posts back and now here i am. god, i forgot how much i would care about my old site. do you have any idea how many blogs i made to make up for this one? six. insane.