Isolation

Current Music: Anya Marina - Felony Flats

I've become way too involved with work. I have 60 hour weeks nearly every week now and I haven't had a weekend off in several months. My friends don't even bother trying to call me to go out anymore. I understand this, since the rare nights I do have off, I choose a friend to call and that is that. I just feel so separated from my friends when I look at our social media sites and all their fun outings and inside jokes are spread out before me. I am happy that Vunc in particular is going out and having fun, I just wish that I could be a part of it.

My life is in this weird place in regards to responsibility. I have enough of them that I can't shirk them in favor of better times but they aren't so important that I feel any reward for completing them. My job is a wasteland. A moderately well-paying, sorta-kinda respectable wasteland. My home with Pat is a starter apartment so I feel no particular rush to decorate or make it nice in any significant way. Hell, my relationship with Pat is starting to feel like it may not work because he has, what appears to be, my sense of motivation. Two people with this little drive to really make something of themselves can't be together. I could be very wrong about Pat in this regard. He has surprised me in the past and it can't ever guess what's going on in that adorable head of his.

Crave

Lately, I can't stop thinking about the first kiss. That feeling, lightness, softness, desire, the never wanting it to stop. There is nothing like a first kiss. I wonder when it will happen next and I think of who and how and how it would be different and the same. 

Thinking about it is enough to make me feel dizzy, bite my lip and wonder how it would feel if it just happened right then. The anticipation, that crush feeling, it's so fucking good. 

Sometimes, when Pat kisses me, I'll feel it again. Not every time, not even close, but once in a while I feel that ember of extreme passion flare again, just for a moment. I haven't felt it again with the boy since our literal first kiss. I feel like, sometimes, I am only the way I am, poly, for feeling that. I could live without more sex or any of its varients if I could just have that rush of initial attraction. 

I tell myself over and over again that I am not a bad person for never having enough.