Crave

Lately, I can't stop thinking about the first kiss. That feeling, lightness, softness, desire, the never wanting it to stop. There is nothing like a first kiss. I wonder when it will happen next and I think of who and how and how it would be different and the same. 

Thinking about it is enough to make me feel dizzy, bite my lip and wonder how it would feel if it just happened right then. The anticipation, that crush feeling, it's so fucking good. 

Sometimes, when Pat kisses me, I'll feel it again. Not every time, not even close, but once in a while I feel that ember of extreme passion flare again, just for a moment. I haven't felt it again with the boy since our literal first kiss. I feel like, sometimes, I am only the way I am, poly, for feeling that. I could live without more sex or any of its varients if I could just have that rush of initial attraction. 

I tell myself over and over again that I am not a bad person for never having enough.