A fallen angel tonight; I feel no shame when I'm high

Current Music: Good to Be Alive - Dj Rap

Green is my color right now. Bless whatever foresight i had to purchase so much green clothing over the last few years.

I still don't know what I'm doing right now. In the least. I'm tempted to live in LA with Teri and just ignore responsibility and sense and just escape from normal, logical life. Dr. Suzy would take me in, I'm almost sure of that. I'd be weird and crazy and I'd be so out of my element but I'd be away from here and my indecision isn't so bad as to think that this, this boring, banal, home driven life is acceptable.

Fuck this place. I love the people, I love the times but right now is not my time in the least.

I can't leave to LA. Who the hell am I kidding? I love and care for so many freaking people here. I'd see some of them just as often if i lived down south but that doesn't change that fact that i could see everyone i want whenever i want up here. Also, I get away with wearing pajamas in public up here. Hollywood would be a big no-no place to do that.

Fuck you, indecision, fuck you.

You know what? This horrible, boring, insipid post gets an awesome picture of me and akim being bored at the Snuff signing. Because nothing is bringing this shit out of the dumpster.

Got me sipping on a gross amount of hefeweizen

Current Music: A Most Beautiful Plague - Say Anything


I am having doubts about everything i want to do with my life. I know what i want but only in the vaguest terms of exclusion; I don't want what I have. Okay, alright, I should perk up. I won't, not for a while. Who knows what will come of this strange mental state. I don't like being like this. i don't believe there is a person who would. I'm not over anything, even things i thought i was over. Just a sick feeling of empty where i used to be emotional. My feelings are all over the board but none of them in the places I'd like them to be. Just boredom and apathy and an all encompassing sense of disenchantment for the things i should enjoy.

Getting work should help. Should. sitting at home is doing me no favors. Nor is drinking away the empty. doesn't seem to stop me from trying though. It's not alcoholism, it's desperation for feelings beyond the negative. It's a craving for the positivity I used to feel and want back. it's a desire to have my life back in a position of stability and safety. I want to smile more and laugh and be truly happy with my position in life again. something substantial that makes it worthwhile to be existing. Booze and casual sex are a start. A bad start to worse endings that are a good alternative to nothing. I'd sigh if i felt up to the effort.


It's not that i'm not trying. Really. I still get out of the house, i'm still contacting work and trying to get that ball rolling a little faster. I talk to Avunc and Beans to get out of the house and to hang out, be social, do the things that someone my age should be doing. I just don't want to. I don't want to do anything. Not sleep, not wake up, drive, drink, eat, smile, anything. I'd like to suspend life but that's. . . impossible. For so many reasons, a life suspension is impossible for me. Too many people in too many places waiting and calling and expecting more than I even want to think about giving. But i try.

I do try.