I am having doubts about everything i want to do with my life. I know what i want but only in the vaguest terms of exclusion; I don't want what I have. Okay, alright, I should perk up. I won't, not for a while. Who knows what will come of this strange mental state. I don't like being like this. i don't believe there is a person who would. I'm not over anything, even things i thought i was over. Just a sick feeling of empty where i used to be emotional. My feelings are all over the board but none of them in the places I'd like them to be. Just boredom and apathy and an all encompassing sense of disenchantment for the things i should enjoy.
Getting work should help. Should. sitting at home is doing me no favors. Nor is drinking away the empty. doesn't seem to stop me from trying though. It's not alcoholism, it's desperation for feelings beyond the negative. It's a craving for the positivity I used to feel and want back. it's a desire to have my life back in a position of stability and safety. I want to smile more and laugh and be truly happy with my position in life again. something substantial that makes it worthwhile to be existing. Booze and casual sex are a start. A bad start to worse endings that are a good alternative to nothing. I'd sigh if i felt up to the effort.
It's not that i'm not trying. Really. I still get out of the house, i'm still contacting work and trying to get that ball rolling a little faster. I talk to Avunc and Beans to get out of the house and to hang out, be social, do the things that someone my age should be doing. I just don't want to. I don't want to do anything. Not sleep, not wake up, drive, drink, eat, smile, anything. I'd like to suspend life but that's. . . impossible. For so many reasons, a life suspension is impossible for me. Too many people in too many places waiting and calling and expecting more than I even want to think about giving. But i try.
I do try.
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