Dear Mom,

i hate coming to you with problems because you don't listen to me. You hear something you want to hear from me and use it as a battering ram. I realized i couldn't even ask you to just not speak badly about me in front of my friends today when you alienated me from the one person who has been here with me, supporting and helping. I heard the things you said under your breath and I'm sorry that I wasn't the one who died. That you didn't get all the money and sympathy that Aunt Jill is getting. You're petty and you disgust me but i am also sorry for you. You are a sorry, sad, pathetic thing, with your actusations and disgusting jealousy. It makes me sick when you reduce everything to money, including the human lives of every relative who has asked for our family's help or passed on in our care. You call me useless and pathetic and that is a lie. I am praised by everyone but you. Calling Daniel a better child than I am to you shows me how short sighted you are and won over by superficial flattery. Beginning your disgusting and cruel argument while i had a guest over was the last pain I'm going to let you cause me. You are not a mother to me, you are an obstacle. You are something i have to get over, forget and pretend never happened. Even after your pass, the pain, scars and emotional dysfigurement you've passed down to me will last for a long while. And that is something i will deal with, without your negative sphere of influence corrupting my efforts.

Current Music: Non-Objective Portrait of Karma - Circle Takes the Square

I made that last post hours before I found out that beans was dead.


He died.


Smashed, crushed, killed, murdered. however you say dead, that's it.

I miss him. I miss our lives and i miss the songs and the laughter.

I miss not hating my mother and her every word. I miss Beans and his laid back view of everything.



Godspeed Beans.

A fallen angel tonight; I feel no shame when I'm high

Current Music: Good to Be Alive - Dj Rap

Green is my color right now. Bless whatever foresight i had to purchase so much green clothing over the last few years.

I still don't know what I'm doing right now. In the least. I'm tempted to live in LA with Teri and just ignore responsibility and sense and just escape from normal, logical life. Dr. Suzy would take me in, I'm almost sure of that. I'd be weird and crazy and I'd be so out of my element but I'd be away from here and my indecision isn't so bad as to think that this, this boring, banal, home driven life is acceptable.

Fuck this place. I love the people, I love the times but right now is not my time in the least.

I can't leave to LA. Who the hell am I kidding? I love and care for so many freaking people here. I'd see some of them just as often if i lived down south but that doesn't change that fact that i could see everyone i want whenever i want up here. Also, I get away with wearing pajamas in public up here. Hollywood would be a big no-no place to do that.

Fuck you, indecision, fuck you.

You know what? This horrible, boring, insipid post gets an awesome picture of me and akim being bored at the Snuff signing. Because nothing is bringing this shit out of the dumpster.

Got me sipping on a gross amount of hefeweizen

Current Music: A Most Beautiful Plague - Say Anything


I am having doubts about everything i want to do with my life. I know what i want but only in the vaguest terms of exclusion; I don't want what I have. Okay, alright, I should perk up. I won't, not for a while. Who knows what will come of this strange mental state. I don't like being like this. i don't believe there is a person who would. I'm not over anything, even things i thought i was over. Just a sick feeling of empty where i used to be emotional. My feelings are all over the board but none of them in the places I'd like them to be. Just boredom and apathy and an all encompassing sense of disenchantment for the things i should enjoy.

Getting work should help. Should. sitting at home is doing me no favors. Nor is drinking away the empty. doesn't seem to stop me from trying though. It's not alcoholism, it's desperation for feelings beyond the negative. It's a craving for the positivity I used to feel and want back. it's a desire to have my life back in a position of stability and safety. I want to smile more and laugh and be truly happy with my position in life again. something substantial that makes it worthwhile to be existing. Booze and casual sex are a start. A bad start to worse endings that are a good alternative to nothing. I'd sigh if i felt up to the effort.


It's not that i'm not trying. Really. I still get out of the house, i'm still contacting work and trying to get that ball rolling a little faster. I talk to Avunc and Beans to get out of the house and to hang out, be social, do the things that someone my age should be doing. I just don't want to. I don't want to do anything. Not sleep, not wake up, drive, drink, eat, smile, anything. I'd like to suspend life but that's. . . impossible. For so many reasons, a life suspension is impossible for me. Too many people in too many places waiting and calling and expecting more than I even want to think about giving. But i try.

I do try.

Masochism never pays

Current Music: Marla and Tyler Flashback #2 (remix) - The Dust Brothers

But boy how i love to beat myself up.

forget it.

Moving on, I'm doing the Ren Faire this year. It is a lot of fun. The saturday night parties are intense. This last weekend was Catholic school girl night and dear jesus the 'dance' (used in the loosest sense of the term) contest was basically an excuse for drunk women to use the dance pole for stripping. Flying labia. Ingrained in my mind. Met a pretty awesome young lady named CJ who is indeed my soulmate. Geeky chicks for life.

I have the party at the Speakeasy this weekend so I'll be missing Gigglefest (the german beer girl night) at the faire but, fuck it. Meloversary comes around but once a year and i am NOT going to miss the year with a full fucking bar. I love booze. And booze for tips just makes it so much better. I miss my LA friends. Despite all stereotypes, not all people down south are douchebags. And I am excited to see all of them that I get to see.

I've got some issues but life has been really low key. I'm just trying to find out where I'm wanted and stay there instead of, maybe, pushing myself where I'm not wanted. I've got one place in particular that i think i may be pushing. I'll just forget about it, i guess. I can't expect to much from this guy, honestly. I expect a lot from people because i keep such high standards and, while unfair for some, it keeps me in some excellent company. However, emotions cloud my judgment of character. I'm excusing myself for being so hopeful.

A Life Full of Fail

Current Music: Gangster Tripping - Fatboy Slim


I was laid off from my job. How is that for fail? The spa I worked at had a sexual assault thing happen. Our newest CMT, not even a month out of training, was accused of feeling what he shouldn't be feeling during a massage and the woman's sister used to be a reporter. Hence, I have no job because now there is no spa. One dude gets 12 people out of work. I had to move back in with my parents and that means moving back in with my sister. It is hell to live with my sister. Her deadbeat boyfriend is over every night and, apparently, living her temporarily. They have each others names tattooed. He has her name on his ring finger and she has his name in a heart on her thigh. And, the kicker is a good one too; they are both 19. Or he could be 20. I try not to talk to him. The guy has a kid, a history of cheating on my sister already, a habit of bailing for a month or more and a the gall to act like he has more of a right to be here in my parents house than I do. You see, and mom thinks he's okay. She kinda likes him. At least he's not a felon and a meth addict like the last guy, right?

Ergh, I don't know what it is about my relationship with mum and Annie that can make me ball my fists, grit my teeth and rant but it's most assuredly not healthy.

I am re-acquiring a bunch of soundtracks and scores that i lost when i switched from my desktop to laptop. The only physical CD that i needed and was unpacked was the GO soundtrack which was happiness. Animatrix, Matrix and Fight Club are on their way. I'll eventually think of more i want. I just don't want to do what i did last time i got on a put-music-on-my-computer kick and put stuff I won't listen to very often and will skip if they come up in a shuffle. Like the Requiem for a Dream score. I mean, it was excellently done, very elegant yet disturbing, perfect for the movie. However, when doing anything in real life, it's just not right.


I'm feeling really neutral. It happens a lot when i stay up all night like I just did now. I should sleep. I've got billiards tonight. Oh yeah, Sam got me to join his 9-ball team. I don't want to be, nor should i be, awake right now. It is coming up on 7 AM right now (yes, it does take me a long time to open up at all, even to a blog) and I just can't bring myself to sleep yet.

Also, I have two very painful pimples and I want them GONE before i see Rich tomorrow. Weird? Yes I am. Vain? You bet your house and kids. Smart? Not in the least. I'm sitting with two pimples, one on each side of my nose, both oozing and red and irritated because i HAD to pop them despite the fact that they were not even close to ready. I've got a bit of sulfur mask that i swiped from the spa before all was closed on both of 'em and I'm hoping that it will do something before 6 PM, when i leave for the pool hall.


I revisited RYL tonight. Hadn't been there in ages and i guess something crashed on their end between the time i was last there and recently because everything was different and the digital art I had submitted, granted the whole section they existed in, was gone. I searched a dozen different combinations of keywords on google before i found someone re-posting my things as images he had saved before the crash. It was kinda a trip to see the stuff i made back in the days when i needed a site like RYL (which was Ruin Your Life when I joined, not the current Recover Your Life). I was really flattered to read people saying how nice they were and how happy they were that it was saved and to compliment the person who made it, who ever they may be. Granted, it was pretty shitty PS6.2 crap but I was young and angry and thought it was cool. I'm a little over that stuff, I haven't cut in years and years and i most surely do not need to sit around on an internet forum to give my life any meaning. At least I hope not. Now i just drink to excess and go home with people I know better than to go home with. *eyeroll*

I don't feel any different

Current Music: Bella Morte - Doubt

Life is always so cyclic. So, the Aaron thing resolved itself, without me beating him back which was surprising and i took to be a sign that my temperament was mellowing.

Rich left to Flight school before anything had a chance to develop, which in the long run was a better outcome for me. I never planned to spend my 21st birthday attached to anyone. I've kept myself in good contact with both of these gentlemen although any exchange of words with Rich causes me to verbally stumble all over myself despite the fact that he is with a lovely girl who i couldn't say a horrible word about without biting my tongue. I like her, she's quiet around me though which makes me think she doesn't like me which isn't too horrible because there is no reason for her to feel any which way around me but i knew if i saw a girl looking at my boyfriend the way i sometimes find myself looking at Rich, I'd hate the bitch too. Or, maybe, I'm looking into this too much.

I've been hanging out with some lovely friends, Sam, his girlfriend Heather (who was in my middle school homeroom of all things) and Stephen. It's nice to have these good people around. It makes life more fun. I'm always a bit confused about how to treat new friends. I know that I come off as a bit. . . well, overwhelming but they seem to think it's endearing. It makes me wonder if i have to keep up a facade or am i allowed to tone it down and relax? I mean, i know if i have to fake any aspect of myself to be friends with people then it's not worth it but we all wear faces and it helps to get to know how to act. Okay, I'm fake. I get it. Fucking hell. I still enjoy spending time with these people and make efforts to spend a bit more time with them before the end of today.

Really, I've only started talking to people in the last few months. After the whole getting beat up and called names and spit on things, i lost a lot of self respect by staying with that guy. A lot of self respect. It's taken me quite a while to realize just how much i hated myself for it. I'm starting to have almost as much love for myself as i did before. Almost. Admittedly, i may have loved myself a little too much before. Now that i have a lot of this conceit back, I've been noticed again and again. It's nice. Last night a very intoxicated man was telling me and his friends that I was exactly the kind of woman he'd want to marry. It had me cracking up to the point of tears. The poor guy was thinking what he was being really suave and hitting on me rather than making a spectacle of himself.

I also had a bouncer unwittingly talk about me to me. A friend of his had talked to him about sleeping with me, without names. So the bouncer mentions it to me that this mutual friend of ours is having sex with someone he shouldn't be having sex with and gives a few details that leave no doubt that it's me he is talking about me. I would have to say though, the situation between me and this friend is wonderful gossip just not the kind i like hearing from third parties seeing as how, if it gets around too far, i will be quite shamed, not by friends but more along the lines of family. Unless it's a lot more serious than i thought which it hopefully isn't. not to say that I'm horrified by the idea but in the situation I'm in, it has to either be a secret or true love because fallout from anything less would be quite substantial.

I, however, am stressing about it too much and i know it. I've got to relax more, i know. I like pie. See? Pie is awesome.


mmm. pie.