Somedays, I don't love you at all.

Current Music: Pedro the Lion - Promise

It's not that today i feel any worse than i have any other day. Really, just yesterday i felt amazing. Tonight i didnt feel any worse, i just felt the need, the want bubbling up in my mind. I know that it is disgusting and that it only makes me more so damaged goods(as if i weren't damaged enough). Sometimes, it is the single thought on my mind. I need it and i cant think without it. Though i can't type while like this, i keep missing keys because my fingers dont move right. He would never like a girl like me, a girl who can't even control herself. I wouldn't want a girl like me, too many issues.

I cut. again. I hadn't for almost a year but here i am. I can tell where i even went out to get a new razor because mine was dull. I'm a little dissapointed in myself and i know that so many people are going to be dissapointed in me as well. I just, i dont care. At this point in my life, no one else can try to help me without me explicitely wanting them to. I can call off the hospital right now, refuse to leave and stay away from doctors and meds and everything, just deal with things my way, no matter how wrong others think it is. God, okay, my head is a little spinny so, i'm off.

Test of my humour

Current Music:Silent Hill sounds

the Wit (76% dark, 26% spontaneous, 26% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais The 3-Variable Funny Test! - it rules - If you're interested, try my latest: The Terrorism Test

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 97% on darkness You scored higher than 4% on spontaneity You scored higher than 20% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Their voices, in harmony

Current Music: Kill the Switch - Circle Takes the Square

I can't stop coughing for more than a few minutes and the effort is rubbing my throat raw and making my ab muscles cramp. I don't even want to use the effort to breathe anymore, it just all seems like such an effort in futility. Nothing is going to come to me, I am never going to be more than the sum of my my parts, which while amounting to a large mass of fat, doesn't bode well for any hope of being more than reconstituted dog food. I am a waste of perfectly good space. I hate the fact that I am still here. I hate this stupid house and my stupid family and my stupid face with my stupid blind eyes that seem to always be brimming over with tears making me feel sad or angry or upset which makes the crying worse. I hate being stupid and negative and useless. Even being upset about it only proves the point that I cant be more than what I am, an impotent child, full of inexpressible rage and more than useless emotion. There is bile in my throat, acid roiling in my stomach, filling in all the spaces from my stomach on the way to my throat.

I deserve less than nothing. No one can find use for me anymore. I'm spent. I'm little more than nothing if only because I exist for now.

Oh, shut up.

Current Music: wind, rain, crickets

I just haven't been online recently. It really is a funny story about why I haven't been online but I just don't feel like going into it yet because I'd make it sound all whine-like and you would hate me and I don't want that.

I don't even know who I am talking to about this. Sometimes I hate that I give up so much, voluntarily at that, each time another girl rips out my heart and leaves me behind for her boyfriend. I hate best friends. It's an awful institution. From now on I vow to be an awful friend.

No, I don't. I can't. I listen and am supportive and understanding. Yeah. . . Awful faults, I know.