he asked me to... i had no choice

EmoTurm: yeah... i am so teched out
SHQIPERI: u have a x box?
EmoTurm: yeah
SHQIPERI: im sorry i am going to have to kill you
EmoTurm: we got it .... last christmas
EmoTurm: you can play if that will stem the desire to kill me
SHQIPERI: next time we meet will be our last
EmoTurm: haha
EmoTurm: i ph3ar it is so
SHQIPERI: put that in you blog and smoke it


(Some SNs are changed to protect the innocent.)

Insignificance

Man, with the whole big thing of Christmas bringing big family shit together and all the greater meaning stuff, I thought it would be a bigger deal. I guess as we get older everything just looks smaller. Including ourselves. I got a lot of good stuff, but the techie stuff I got, newer, better is already in campaining. Everything is just a little too fast and too... I dunno, materialistic for me to really understand. I love what I got though. I am really happy with the people I love. It is just the world that is pressing against me now. The rest of it. I wish I could wake myself up from it the way some very few people can do. Mother Theresa is a nice example. She cared so little for the world. She would thank me for my assessment of her, keep me in her prayers and such but I imagine that it wouldn't really matter to her. My opinion, yours, the medias. Nobody's was important to her. All that mattered to her was what was important to her in her heart. It was a beautiful thing and it gives me hope to remember her. I hated that nobody recognized that she died on the same day and Princess Di. I guess that that would have been the way she would have wanted it though, you know? I doubt she would want a big deal and fuss made about something that would help nobody in any real way. What a waste it would have been after all of the things she did to help in such a tangible and admirable way. I wish I could be like that. You know, forsake all of the world and all possessions and live entirely in the love of some god and work for this so-called god's goal. You know the goal, to spread the hope or something. Or even to just give someone something to eat, my love for as long as I can, and a faith to keep them warm after I need to leave, move on and spread the theological contagion. But I don't. And I doubt I could give up all I have. Fuck, I had trouble giving a stuffed whale to a kindergartener when I was in the fifth grade. I gave it to the little girl and as soon as I had, I wanted it back. I wanted all the happiness that it gave the girl, I wanted that for myself more than I did for her. Anything that can make someone else happy, it would be better served for me. Like the only things that matter are how I get along and my life and my troubles. It is a terrible feeling to remember how I felt giving that fucking whale to that kid. I even picked that one toy out because I didn't even lie it, you know? I dug through my own huge pile of stuffed toys, looking for the one that I would never miss. I got the whale because it was cheap and I had gotten it a long long time ago at Marine World. I didn't want it. I didn't even like it. But I tried to get it back. God, I am a terrible person. I wish I could be good and upstanding and honorable and true and kind and all those things that make Jesus such a hottie.


Uhm, anyway.... I can blog from bed now. Yeah, I know, you are asking yourself, How? How can you do such an awesome thing? Well, young grasshopper, I now have the coolest keyboard and mouse EVER! Frankie loves me so he got me, not only a DVD-ROM but her got me the sweetest wireless keyboard/mouse set on the market now. It took me a grand total of eight minutes to set up and now I have all these great Hot Keys and wireless-ness. So I am in bed..It seemed like the logical thing to do with my new found freedom and all. And this keyboard makes the nicest sounds as I hit the keys. It makes this nice, almost think sounding click. I also got the MiniDisk player I had been eyeing since I got that free MD a while back. Now I have ten MiniDisks and no idea how I will get enough music to fill 'em all up. I guess I will have to ask Frankie to fill a few up for me. And Ashley. And a whole other butt load of people. I just so played a game of pinball from my bed. Yeah, that was cool. I even got a high score. Though, I have to admit, it was only the third time I have ever played pinball so there are no high scores on my comp. My mood is shifting around a lot right now. I guess it is the little kid in me being all happy is finally getting some sort of foothold on the fucking beast in my head who slashes and bites and kicks and hates the world and hates life and wants me to crawl in a corner and snarl. Yeah, that is usually the reigning side but the whole Christmas thing is kinda hard to be upset during, you know? Yeah, I bet you do you sneaky little shit. Rape me, rape me my friend. Rape me. Rape me again. Am I the only one? Hate me. Do it do it again. Waste me, rape me my friend. Am I the only one, am I the only one, am I the only one? That song is on the radio in my ears right now... I liked it because it was all slow and easy to dictate but then I couldn't really understand that words anymore. I like it. Not the inability to understand, but the song. Now there is a song about a girl named Nikki. I would say this Nikki girl has some serious commitment and self-worth issues. But, oh well, this song sounds pretty damn good too. Turned off the radio, commercials make me sick of humanity and all. Man, I am tired but not. Its weird. I want to sleep but I don't. I dunno. I have been messing around so much with computer stuff today. I installed so many drivers. Finally got to use the two USB ports on the front of my computer. Couldn't get the fucking PS/2 ports to work on my computer so I just hooked the whole shebang in with the combined USB adapter and plugged it in that way on the back USB port. I used the port on the front with my MD player. I just put a couple albums on the one disk I got for free from Tremor. I wish I had gotten more for Ashley. I want to get her something really awesome, you know? Her and her family are so amazing to me. I wish I had money. I wish I had someone who would help me to get something. Fuck, I hate not having a close extended family. All I got is a bunch of fucking cousins and Tias who don't want to see me because I am not what they think a young woman should be. I am supposed to be a cook and a mother and so so... Old already. Well, if I may, fuck that. God, nobody in my family wants me. All I have in Ashley and her family. They always tell me that I am part of their family and I really hope for that. Frankie is the one person I am close to here at home and I know he has to move out soon, or at least her should. I have so much just swimming around right now, as you can tell by my really confused blog post. Thank you, you know, for reading and such.

Ah, pseudo-Christmas almost just as good.

I had a kick ass day today. I did everything I had planned to do. I feel bad though. I broke up with Timmy. I mean, he is a good guy. I do like him. But, as we know, I never have the best of judgment. Well, it went well, the break-up. And he seemed okay and all. And I am single again. Which makes me happy. In that, I am now free to find a smart guy on the college career path. And I cleaned my room up quite a bit. And I now have this kick ass pen Ashley got me right up on my desk. It is so muy cool. It is a jiggly. And green. Like jell-O. This is such a cool pen... Yup, it is. Well... I got a bunch of other stuff today, as well as the pen. I got lots of candy, gifts, cards and hugs. Which makes me happy. Not to mention food. Rosana made cupcakes and jello for us and she made my jell-o extra jiggly (I am not joking!). I got so much food in class it is not even funny. Just... daaamn. Mucho food. And Guerra let us watch King Kong vs. Godzilla 2 in class. I saw Mr. Guerra semi-moshing to Greenday which just makes me so freaking happy. I swear. Mr. Guerra rocks. If you pray, keep him in your thoughts and all. He needs more respect from certain students. I don't know why some kids don't treat him right. He is so nice, funny, smart, cool and just a great guy. I respect him hella. He kinda reminds me of Grandpa. The good grandpa, the Mexican one. Oh man, Christine Romero bought me such a neato present. She got me a Hot Wheels car and a little book and toy set... The Eight Nights of Hanukkah! It has the story of Hanukkah and three dreidels! So mucho cool. I love having such weird friends. Hell, I am probably one of the weirdest. Man oh man. I so wrapped all of the gifts I gave out with duct and caution tape. It will take forever to open. Hehe, which is just what I had planned. I want to open up the gifts from my second family... Soon. I am just busting at the seams with anticipation. I am too friggin lucky. Man oh man I just know the coolest people. Who do such fun things. Yeah, I need to get up on that wave. But I also need to try and do the whole school kid thing. I need grades. For reals. I need to have my future, I need to do what I want with my life. I need to be a success at something and hopefully that something is my life. I want to write so my parents got me a computer and I write everyday. Probably too much. I would rather stay at home and blog and write and do bad poetry than go out and do something with the family. Not good. Especially when they leave without me and I am home alone and my writing turns morbid and I read old convos and I remember all that bad stuff. Yeah, I don't like that. So that is why I say I may be writing too much. But I have been sorta neglecting my blog lately. Sorta, I don't think I was too bad. I update a lot still. I don't have much to say but I say it anyway. I had so much fun in all my classes today. It was just a right on day. I cant think of one bad thing. And I am on vacation, Christmas is in a few days, I have awesome friends and three dreidels. What more could I ever ask for? Not much, not much at all. You know, except for a fourth dreidel. Next year, I need to buy more presents for people. And pay some one else to wrap the presents for me. I cant wrap for shit, which is why everyone gets the duct and caution tape treatment. Which, though humorous and inventive, is rather unattractive and sloppy. Ha, I say that like I care. I think it is cool, so there it will stay. I am tired now and it is barely 9:00 PM. Drowsiness as a side effect of the Zoloft should stop soon. Or so says the psychiatrist who specializes in that type of crap. But what does she know? Not much I say, not much. I am so saying most of this aloud as I type. You know, cause I am weird and all. And nobody can hear me anyway. You know, until they read this and know what I was saying anyway. But that is that way the cookie crumbles. Unless, you know, it is a crumbless cookie. Then you just have a bunch of ugly cookie on your table. Which, in my humble opinion, is just a tad worse. Time for one more Hanukkah story then off to bed with me. I may stay up with a flashlight and play driedel though. Hehe, I am just such a Jewish rebel.

night,
CMaZ (Rebel with out a yamaka)

Pseudo-Christmas-Eve

Yeah, tomorrow might as well be called that. We all have party's and give and get gifts. Make merriment. All that happy crappy. I get to do... Nothing much at all tomorrow. I need to do my Geo-ethnic History report over this break. I couldn't do it while I was... Incapacitated. My history teacher, Mr. Romero, said I could turn it in after the Non-denominational Winter vacation. Yes, it is actually called that... Technically. Who calls it that, other than me, of course? Nobody, I would imagine. Well... I am in a mood as it is. I am just all melancholy. No reason that I am aware of. By all means I should be happy. I have everything I could ever need and more. I guess I am just... Weird.... Wrong... Stupid... Off...
pathetic is not the word but it is the first one to come to mind.
mom keeps bugging me to learn how to drive. On and on, I never hear the end of how easier everything would be if I could take over some of the stuff mom does and learn to drive. I don't want to drive. I am scared. I don't want to grow up. I don't think I can do it either. And I don't want another way to try and kill myself. Yeah, I am pretty sure I would try. At least once. Just to see if I can do it for real. Man, people who show off their scars should die. Seriously. It bothers me so much. I just want to scream at them that it is not cool, it is not trendy, it is something for yourself. It is your release. You don't flaunt it like some jewelry item. I hate it. I do, very much so. Wearing long sleeves is what you do. ROLLING THEM UP IS NOT. Stupid kids think it is oh so cool. And I don't. I don't at all. I tell a very few select people. Very few. And I tell them because I have to. The five people who know(because I told them and wanted to tell them) are so different yet so smart and important to me. I don't tell them because I want their love or friendship. I tell them because I know they will all tell me something different and I want to hear anything I can to help myself.
Needful is another word that is coming to mind.
I have to learn to drive, I guess. Mom even gave me a mailer card from the mail with a website and such to take a course. I don't want to. I don't want to do this. I don't need any more responsibility. Ever. I have enough. I have enough in my head to deal with. I also don't need to drive. I like my bike, I miss my scooter and I like to walk around. Makes me feel good. I like walking in the rain. Makes me feel even better. Calmer. Nicer. Whole. Balanced.
Normal is not the word but it is the one I think of now.
I want to get tomorrow over with. I want to finish up this Christmas, wrap up all the gifts and get my shit together. I miss that we already did the showcase. It was fun. I did good, I think. People tell me that they could tell it was my voice from up in the sound booth. I had fun, especially second period when we got our shit together. And I felt like part of something. I felt like I belonged. I felt needed and wanted. Because I was important. Kids told me I did a good job, wanted to hang out with me, asked me to go with them places. It was good. It would have been too perfect if it had been raining. Too perfect because I know I would never be living better.

these make me happy. two of the testimonials for me from Friendster.
Clint, 08/09/2003:


you know how the story goes...asian guy meets half white half mexican friend.....the 50/50 boy has two sisters...and one is named "crista"...then this "crista" offers the asian a bowl of rice...i think shes racist and she thinks im going to kill her because she cant read my eyes...but in the end the moral of the story is that "crista" is one of the coolest kats i know...so young so funny...i can only imagine the growth in her humor...or was that in her tumor....either way one things for sure...Shes funny and understands what it takes to make this asian guy laugh or...is it cry...she still cant tell by my little little asian eyes....



Frank, 08/04/2003:


If Crista was a Bite Sized Pretzel, she would be filled with REAL Peanut Butter. Thats just how cool, different, crunchy, yet sweet, strong, yet soft, clever, and alleregic to some people she is. Crista. If you weren't my sister, we'd prolly never know each other, but I would be hella cool with you once you became my adopted step-sister! Oh yeah!

43

God damn it. I never wanted to be like this. I wanted to be okay. I thought they said I would get better. It is harder. I know how good it feels. I know I can be happy for a moment. And a moment is all I am. I cant get out of my fucking cycle. I want to be free from this junk. Everybody talks to me like I can just stop. I don't know how. I hide it too well. Mom threw me some gauze. I used a strip of it to just mop up my arm a bit. I am so tired of being a fucking screw up. I hate being stupid. I hate being ugly. I hate being so full of hate. All I want is love again. I gave it up. I cant understand. I say it so well. In words. I cant speak. Never. It is so hard. When I am alone it is harder to be. To be okay. Keeping a facade for yourself only is never the same. And it hurts to be. I guess this is the normal thing to feel, but I feel alienated and like an outcast. I think of myself as... I don't know. As not there. I just don't feel good about myself. That funny lump in my throat stops me from swallowing. And it burns. Not a lot. But enough. Like my cuts. That sting of blood flowing in to heal the wound. That red color around each cut that signifies increased blood flow. I dunno. I thought my future would be so different. I thought I would be somebody by now. I thought I would be important in the world. My big mark is a online diary. I think that I am nothing in the world. I cant think of my significance. I try and try. But I guess that is what happens when you don't love yourself. Ashley makes it sound easy to love yourself. I want to be better. I want to love myself. She helps me so much. Everybody does. But I don't know why it is so hard for me. I don't know why I cant. I don't know why I am different than most other, I wish I didn't feel like I often do. I wish I could handle everything life threw at me without effort. I wish, I wish, I wish. Well, yeah, I am doing nothing productive to help myself. I am whining to myself on an online journal. I am just being stupid. I am nothing. I should be happy with that. I did do it to myself and all, you know. I mean, nobody did it to me. I am the only one to blame for my own life. I can try and pass my blame to as many people as I want but it does me no good. I think it may just make me feel worse cause I have to take my blame back anyway. Eh, I guess I do kinda like pain. Real pain. Emotional pain. It is a relief to know I can still feel. It is good to feel.

sting, spite, blood, past

ouch. Razor blades make a weird stinging feeling. Dull plastic shards were a lot less painful. Good thing i found a better way to get my pain quota. I had to take an hour or two with plastic pen pieces. A few good swipes with a razor and it is good.

Jesus, I haven't blogging much at all lately. I mean, I used to do about one post every single solitary day. Now? I have a few for the week. And they aren't that long. I guess I have been busy. I had tech for the last few weeks, which, though mucho fun, takes up a lot of my time and makes me really tired. That and this medicine is making me exceptionally drowsy. So I don't have much else to do right now except sleep (which I want to do) or blog (which I know I should do). So, as you can tell, I am blogging. I am actually kinda sorry that I have been neglecting my blog so much. I want to pour out all of my emotion but I am not quite sure how to anymore. Everything has been getting harder for me to do in the last few weeks. My whole life is in sepia. I have that feeling, you know, where everything feels kinda fake and you don't really think your reflection looks like you. Yeah, I have been like that for a few days now. And I didn't feel good before that either, I was just sorta down and out. I have no real reason to be upset. I mean, Mom has been a bit sicker than usual and it is really hard to see her taking so many pills and still feeling like crap. I wish I could make her better. I wish that no doctor would ever look at her blood and declare her sick. I hate that I wish she was better for my sake more than hers. I am so selfish that I think of myself in everything. Who knows. I guess I am just in some sorta melancholy mood right now. I still have that feeling like the whole world is a hazy dream and I am waking up in any second. I have really realistic dreams sometimes and when the whole world feels like this, it is really hard to distinguish dreams from waking life. I know, I know, that is so uber cliche, but it is true for most of us, I think. What has happened in my life(dream) lately? Well, I am almost sure that I don't want to be with Tim anymore. Not totally, but almost. Ashley talked to me about it and let me hear both sides of the coin from her. I still don't know. It is kinda hard to think of what I will have wanted myself to do in the future. The more time I spend away from Tim, the less sure I am about what I want to do. Not much less, but enough to have all of those thoughts of doubt. I have been babysitting everyday of this weekend. Friday night, a little girl, the daughter of one of my Dad's friends, stayed over at my house while her parents went to a dinner party. I made thirty-four dollars that night. The little girl was really sweet too. Her name was Susannah. She ended up falling asleep in my bed. Then, last night, I was babysitting for the Kims because Mr. Kim was out of town and Mrs. Kim wanted to go to some movie with her sister. So I stayed with Melissa and Luke. Luke was uber whiney and such because he stayed up really late the night before and was still tired. So I put him to bed early and helped him get to sleep by doing a relaxation for him. I made twenty-eight dollars last night for that. And tonight I am sitting for the Carson family. I love them. Their son, Ben, is so cute. He told me, the last time I sat for them, that he wants to marry me. I could of just picked him up and taken him home, it was so cute. I never want to have kids of my own. I don't think I could handle it if my kids were losers or little punks. I would have to kick them so so so much. And I would have to kill the little brat it if turned out at all like Annie. Kill her then kill myself. I am not having that may thoughts about suicide lately. Not too many. I was thinking but I haven't done anything like cut or pull or punch. So I think I am in good shape then on that note. I took my contacts out last night and I am too lazy to put them back in yet so I am wearing my broken glasses. My broken glasses with only one arm, and that one arm is defective anyway. I can see, but I can't move my head lest the retarded spectacles fly of my face in a flurry of Ralph Lauren rage. Or something like that. I have to go to the bathroom now. So this ends here. I hope to be back on a regular blogging schedule soon enough.

~CMaZ~

Again... Again... Recycle emotion

I am tired. A lot more tired than I have ever been before. I don't know why but we think it is the spermy medicine. The Zoloft. Well yeah, drowsiness is a side effect. But so is sleeplessness. So who knows. I am with Tim. Together. He wanted me. But I don't know. I like feeling wanted, it is something I don't get so often. David doesn't bother me so much when I know someone wants me. No, I didn't get with Tim because of David. I didn't want David to know but me and Ashley were talking about it and he over heard. Fuck him. He wants to make fun, whatever, he is worse. And Bryan told me that I am way cooler than David. But, back to Tim, I don't think it is going to work. He made me really uncomfortable the other day. I was in a position I didn't want to be in. I told him and he kept on holding me. So I kicked him out of my way. He also wants me to go to him apartment alone. I told him that I didn't like that idea and he tried to make me feel bad for it. Also the fact that Tim lied to my dad about schooling. He told my dad that he goes to Mission when, in fact, he doesn't even go to any school. That bothers me. If he can lie so easily... Well, yeah. And he isn't that smart. Well, not in the way I am. He used to do drugs and drink. And he still sorta drinks. There is so much. I feel bad for only talking about the bad things. I mean, he is a nice guy. He makes me feel nice, sometimes. I just don't like so much of it I don't like. I think I rather like being single more anyway. I don't feel so bad about flirting and joking and rubbing Elis. Man, that is just plain funny. I was feeling Elis' leg up in the library and then he did the same to me. It was hilarious. And then I put my hand in his pocket as well all left the library and he grabbed my ass and squeezed. It was so funny, in that weird way. Mom bought Toasty O's so I can take those to school tomorrow and me and Elis can have our Toasty Bawls. Yeah, we are odd. But we like it this way. Man, I still need to buy gifts for everyone. I haven't bought anything yet. Well, I have a couple of jobs to do this weekend, so I should have some bank for gifts. I have the most awesome idea for what to get ash and Nic. I have no idea what to get heather. I have a feeling but not sure yet. Something good for all. Oh, I get to be narrator for the Advanced Drama Christmas Showcase! Yup, it rocks. I cant wait. I will be up in the booth and I still get lines! I love these people I am meeting. They all rock. I love the friends I have. All of them are so great. I am incredibly lucky to have meet such wonderful people. Ashley, Heather, Nichole, Pieter, Fujii, Bryan, Adrian, Romero, Andre, Elis, you guys are all so awesome. I don't know how I would be without your great influence on who I am. I know I haven't been myself lately and I don't know why either. I have just been off. I hope to be better soon. I am just doing whatever I can to keep my head above water.

Last day of tech... For now

Well, tonight was the last show. I am actually quite glad. It gets a lot of stress off of my chest. And I don't have to be waking up and staying out so early and late respectively. I am a little worried at how Timmy is acting like I am his girlfriend. It bothers me more than just a little. I mean, sure, having a guy like you and all is really fun and it makes me feel good. But he acts like we are together. I guess it is okay with me. I don't want to have to bring it up. I mean, how uncomfortable would that be? Very, that is the answer, very. I went with Heather, Fuji, James and Willie for the tech party. Which was us just having fun and watching a movie at James house. He had the most kick ass entertainment center I have ever seen. But Cassie(the bakery) showed up. All I could think is "WHY IN HELL IS SHE HERE?!?" but she was endured and all went well. We pretty much just ignored her. I know I did. Heather had to leave at 12:00 so I was there with all the boys (and the bakery) for a little over an hour. The Santa Clause 2 is actually a pretty cool movie. I had fun watching it. People are pretty cool. Pieter never told me what he had to tell me. So he can go fuck himself. I don't really care. I know he was just going to tell me something stupid about my self-esteem. How I need to go to god so I can be saved from my violent ways. Uh huh, lets ask me if I care. Well, my vision is a little hazy right now out of exhaustion. Talk to you all later. I am going to get some well deserved sleep. I need it so badly. My eyes are drooping as we speak. Oh well. Good night all of you. You have no idea how much I love you all.

Finally, Krista gets ass. (thank you ash and Steven)

Yah, go me, woot woot, rock the house, fo shizzy. Yeah, I wasn't really cheering when I wrote that. I am happier than I was before at least. I got some major make-out time with Tim. Yes, I know you have never heard of this "Tim" person before. This is because I didn't know of him before. I met him last Saturday at Ashley's. He is a friend of Steven. Tim is muy good-looking. Read; hot. And he knew point blank why were to meet each other. To get it on. But, you know, that didn't happen Saturday. And I found out I kinda like this guy, you know? Steven told me that Tim said he liked me too. So this is good... I think. I like it. You know, I think I do. Well, I know I like the kissing. I know I like how he would not pull away. We just stood there. I ignored anything I could. So did he. It wasn't about what he wanted to go do after this, it was just being close to someone else. I felt special. He brushed hair out of my face and said "You know, you're cute" and that made me happy. I felt nice... Pretty... Cute... Whatever. I liked it. A lot. I think. He still liked me after seeing the pig-sty of my room and being hassled by my dad AND JFK! My dad caught them outside the gate and did the whole surly, protective Mexican father thing. Then, once they( Tim and Steven) get past my dad, JFK answered the door and started in on them because I asked him to ( I didn't know dad was doing the same thing). It was so funny. Tim seems really cool. And smart in a different way. He has a small lisp too. I think it's funny in some weird way. And he is taller than me. That makes me happy. It all did. It was all the one situation I always wanted to be in. Outside, cold, tall guy, sweet (okay, not really) kisses that last a long time. Tech was fun today. I stayed up in the booth area with Ashley. We have too many deck techs anyway. And I worked up there before anyway, so it is all gravy. My sweatshirt smells like boy. Somebody should bottle this scent and sell it. It could make millions. My toe hurts. I ripped off the nail by accident on Wensday morning. Man, it hurts like a mother. And I don't think I have any more money. Aunt Jill wants me to go shopping with her again Sunday. I have to babysit for some friend of my dads and I swear, he had best pay me. I don't care, I am taking care of his kid, I want my pay. Cheap bastards, I get less than minimum wage yet they still try to get around it. I found a toad today while I was walking around the school with Tim. I saw it and was just amazed. I have never seen a toad at our school before. So I chased it down and picked him up. Tim said I should name him Roy but I thought Harold would be cool. We decided on Roy Harold. I let Roy Harold out a few minutes later because I had no idea what I would feed him if I brought him home. And I think Roy was on a mission anyway. So, let him be. Play went well today. Nothing too bad. Curtain call looked like shit. Thank god I am not one of those techies who want to do a curtain call. I feel special. Tim is coming to school tomorrow to see me. Why does this make me happy? Why am I so dependent on the feelings others have for me. I guess I am needy. Just I spread it out over all the wonderful people who, for some reason, love me.

Been away... Back now.

I have just not been up for blogging lately. I was out at tech for the most part. Way late rehearsals for the play. And I have been so tired. I keep cutting myself. More than I know I should. And my prescription keeps going up. I really need some sort of a break... Soon, I hope. Tech is a lot of fun but all the couples are more couple-y during tech so I always feel more alone. And Ashley, my love, is on spotlights so I dot get to see her much because I am on deck. It is thanksgiving today. I put more blue in my hair. I am tired. My scars are really noticeable. I cleaned most of my room. I need to vacuum and pick up some more stuff. Not much but I still don't want to do it. I see no reason for all of the family to think I keep my room clean. I don't. Jebus, get over it. Ha, speaking of getting over it, I haven't been. Not at all. I am so not over it. David. I was sharing almost all of my poems from "Sketches of Hate and Gore" with Nichole. My god I love her too. She is like the sister I wish I had. She can relate to me, she understands that it doesn't get better so easily. And we shared a lot of our personal poetry. We both understood each other so well. And she complimented my poems so I felt good about them. Her poems were so powerful and emotional. I could really feel them. One or two of them hit a chord that I think many more people would understand. One of the very few emotions that run through all of humanity. She told me I put words into her poems that she had been trying so hard to get out. I understand her. We are so alike. Not in the way that me and Ashley are alike, we are so the same but we have so many differences that compliment each other and (I think, I hope) make us perfect for each other, but me and Nic are just feeling a lot of the same things. I love Ashley Kathleen Kimura like nothing else. I am so lucky to have met her. I cant think of what my life would be like without her. She is the best thing to happen to me since sliced bread. We need to spend this weekend in the RV... Oh yes, we do. I think people are starting to arrive. Oh well, like they don't know what I look like before I wake up. I am still wearing my Pjs. Twinkie pants and a t-shirt. Tre sloppy. I got a free mini-disk from Tremor. It is red and shiny and now I want a mini-disk player. So I asked for one for Christmas. I am part of the Winter showcase for school. Advanced Drama has a showcase twice a year. The first one is a play put together entirely by the drama 2-4 class. I don't know what we are doing exactly yet, but I think I have a good idea. We are going to make it a montage of most every idea that has any potential. I am working as tech and props. I will also be Stage Manager but unofficially because Cassie is stupid and wanted the title. Even though we did have to make up a position for her in real Tech. She is such a loser. Me and Heather and Ashley(the one I love so dearly) all call her Bakery because she has so many rolls. I know, I know, that is really mean but so darn true. I probably should get off my computer now. I just heard Mom and Dad start to fight. Not good. I hate the holidays at home. Oh well, I have The Sandman volume two and a good novel so I am set for anything. And very loud headphones. Those are very necessary. I also need to wrap up my arm so none of the family see if and damn to the seventh layer of hell... Where I am going to go anyway. Damn Mexicans. Okay, I just was forced to finish my room up. All vacuumed and fake clean. You know, the type of clean that is obviously for the sake of guests and no real need. I kinda hate that type of clean and plan to make no moves to keep it this way after the holidays. I am even more tired now and still in my pajamas. I have a really funny picture of Heather and Elis. Melissa took it for her Photo class. It is Heather sticking out her tongue and, unbeknownst to her, Elis standing at her side with his fingers poking up behind her head. Mucho cool and funny. Especially since it is a black-and-white picture. I am going to try and scan it and put it up on the web. Because it is really funny. And I like pictures on a webpage. I am still so tired. I am listening to angry white boy music to try and keep my self awake but I am still tempted by the military style neatness of my formerly mussed up bed. I hate when a room is this neat, even the people look out of place in it. Like they are just sitting there waiting for someone to take a picture so they can carefully step back over the velvet rope and look at the rest of the rooms dedicated to 21st century decor. I still have all those bags of cotton from Halloween. When I dressed as Partially Cloudy with a Chance of Rain. I broke all of the squirt guns but the cotton still persists. Enough cotton to last me all of my life. I wish that was just a hyperbole, but I am serious. I rarely use cotton and now I have so much of it I have no idea what to do other than put it away and hope it disappears. Well, I think I have to get dressed and wrap my arm up and get a nap in before I have to smile for the family. Bye for now. Talk later.

multiple hand goods

full alias: Christina Marie Martinez
secret spy name: Krista, CMaZ
sex: if you insist
screen name: 17, EmoTurm for now
breeding grounds: Sunnyvale
date of creation: July 21st, 1987
school level: 11th, junior
occupation: part-time student, full-time street rambeler
school: Piedmont Hills
years breathing: 16 or so
background heritage: Mexican and German. Black, Japanese and Eskimo at heart.
verticle stretch: 5'8" or so
gravitational pull: hmm, i dont think so.
color of eyes: color-changing hazel. Grays and blues for the most part, not real hazel.
sexuality: i think i lost mine. Straight, i think
body piercings: none
tattoos: maybe someday
style of apparel: clothes... on a good day
shirt size: large, xl, you know, the fat ones
pant size: huge varience. Fat stores make you think you are fatter. 15-19, or 38 for a loose fit in men's
shoe size: 9 1/2 or 10
astrological sign: cancer or leo, whatever.
chinese astrological sign: rabbit
deodarant: Lady Mitchum
scent: cucumber melon
marital status: none, free, single, alone, you know, the usual.
hobbies: reading, writing, charcoal, computer and movies.
best rave: ha, haha. I would have to say the gay rave Travis took me to.
e-count: uhm, not to my knowledge
ever smoked weed: nope
smoke cigs: no
next event: never, frankie loves me not. Ooo, darn him and his pimp status.
licensed driver: no
car currently driving: my mom's or frankie's
ever gotten into an accident: never.
car planning to get: one that moves... at least most of the time.
favorite color: green
favorite face: ashley... or heather... or my doggy's. I love Angel.
favorite quote: "The cynics are right nine times out of ten." - Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
phobia: medorthophia, fourth-dimension claustrophobia
what i really hate: ignorance, and people who are
languages i can understand: English, arabian, greek, spanish, french, german, swedish, yiddish, mermish, dutch, that african clicky language
favorite movie: The Matrix, Fight Club and, now, Scarface
favorite oldie show: I Dream of Jeannie
favorite game: ten fingers, monopoly, trivial pursuit, truth and truth (seriously, who picks dare[other than me]?)
favorite type of game: uhm, fun... with people i like.
dream vacation spot: middle of the ocean of a cruise boat.
have a little huge collection of: mint tins and matrix memorobilia
favorite comic: The SandMan
favorite cereal: Coco Puffs and Luck Charms.
favorite candy: Jolt gum... mmm caffiene
favorite fruit: apples and pears.
favorite breath freshener: penguins... more caffiene!
favorite brand of chips: cheddar and sour cream(?)
favorite soda: Mountain Dew or Sierra Mist
favorite fast food: Taco Bell
favorite book: Fight Club, Choke, Brave New World, Carrie, Door to December are my mostest favorites.
favorite subject: English
favorite class: sociology and bio. I am meeting some cool people in bio and soc is mucho fun
favorite season: winter
favorite type of weather: rain, buckets of rain.
favorite place to shop: Pac Sun and Hot Topic for pants and shirts respectivley.
what floats my boat [in girls and guys]: hair, teeth, maturity, height, sweet, kind, caring, thinks i am beautiful.
what i miss doing: kissing, holding, being me, short sleeves, hanging out, movie night.
my pride and joy: Bigga Jigga What. I dont know how he lives with that dike.
current mood: sad, hurt, lonely, melancholy, i love ashley. *hornycough*

Have you ever...
[ Gotten a speeding ticket?] nope
[ DUI? ] nope
[ Been in a wreck? ] never
[ Been arrested? ] not to my knowledge
[ Been in a fist fight? ] yeah
[ Kicked someone in the nuts? ] i dont think so
[ Stolen anything? ] let us not speak of this
[ Held a gun? ] yeah
[ Drank? ] i try not to
[ Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? ] no, but me and you ash, someday. (FISH!)
[ Considered a life of crime? ] no, but i will now.
[ Considered being a hooker? ] once, but i would never make it.
[ Cheated on someone? ] no
[ Cried over a girl? ] yeah, about, over, because... yes
[ Cried over a boy? ] yes, and it makes me want to kill.
[ Lied to someone? ] i try to keep it to a minimum. I hate to lie.
[ Been in love? ] sometimes, i am afraid so.
[ Fallen for your best friend? ] well, he wasn't my best friend.
[ Made out with JUST a friend? ] Ashley, Morgana, sorta Heather.
[ Been rejected? ] god yes, so many times
[ Been in lust? ] yeah, that i am sure of/
[ Used someone? ] never
[ Been used? ] i think so.
[ Been cheated on? ] not to my knowledge.
[ Been kissed? ] yeah
[ Experimented with homosexuality?] yeah, i would say so.

Now
[Current mood] we did this. Hateful, tired, melancholy, and i love ashley... a lot.
[Current taste] root beer. i hate how nothing can be the same.
[Current hair] down, kinda brushed. Blue streaks.
[Current thing I ought to be doing] anything else. Homework, making out... laughing.
[Current cds in stereo] The Animatrix soundtrack.
[Current crush] none. im kinda anti-boy right now.
[Current hate] sweatshirts, thermals, ugly slippers, David (but that passes)
[Current job] me? work? not really my thing.

=Love life=
[First crush] Hector, in kindergarten.
[First kiss] donavan, front yard, dare. i hate my life sometimes.
[Single or attached?] single.
[Ever been in love?] i am afraid that i was sometimes
[Do you believe in love at first sight?] a veces.
[Do you believe in "the one?"] yes
[Describe your ideal significant other] tall, kind, dark hair, deep eyes, maybe a hopi or japanese or white, not skinny, sweet, loves me more than he knows how to say, would never think of using me, doesnt call me stupid, doesnt push me, will do the laundry and dishwasher, holds my head in his arm and whisper even when there is no reason to whisper, kisses in the rain, will go out of his way to kiss in the rain, looks me in the eye, won't laugh when i am not funny, smart, reads, listens, be strong when i need him, be weak when he needs me, talks to my face, kisses me long, wont pull away, doesnt want me to pull away, runs his hand through my hair and tells me how nice it is, openmided, likes my music (basically any music), watches good movies, intellectual, longish hair, soft lips, hollow throat, seems to not know what to say around me and other people too, speaks beautifully with me, sees the beauty in poetry, kisses my head when i cry, squeezes my hand when we cant talk so i still know he loves me, leaves his smell in my clothes, breathes in deep while his head is in my hair, faithful, screams with me, screams at me when he knows i want to be mad, never stop trying to make me forgive him, loves how i love him, will go out to a field and scream at the sky with me, acts civilized, wants to look good for his own sake, wants to grow old with me, wants yo die young with me too, has a plan, dreams, reaches out to me in his sleep cause he knows i am there, ashley must love him (platonically, of course), frankie has to think he is good enough for me, strong hands, warm neck, cold ears, thinks i am just so amazing, respects my opinion, has his own mind, thinks before he speaks, respects me, is courteous, polite, gentlemanly, gentle or strong when need be, knows when he doesn't know, understands satire and sarcasm and banter, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't get high, likes to go out, likes to go out and pay all of his attention to me anyway, has friends who are girls, hangs out with my friends who are boys, knows the differnece between friends and lovers, tells me as much as he can, involves me, holds me in my sleep, talks to me, hugs me so tight i cant think of anything else but him and his body that surrounds me... and i think that is it.

Juicy stuff
[Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?] no
[Favorite place to be kissed?] mouth
[Shy to make the first move?] sometimes, not so much. Only if i am not sure if i have a chance.

Are you a
[Wuss] i dont think so
[Druggy] no
[Daydreamer] very often
[Freak] most likely
[Dork] oh yes
[Bitch/Asshole] if i need to be
[Brat] no
[Sarcastic] yeah, almost all the time
[Angel] i am so pure compared to Ashley... so pure. So, yes.
[Devil] alternating, i think i am satan right now.
[Shy] not for my life.
[Talkative] i like my own voice more than i like yours.
[Adventurous] why not.
[Joker] i like to think so
[Flirty] no, not really.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Father thinks I am: stupid, bitch, not worth anything
My Mother thinks I am: a lesbian, crazy, stupid, worthless
My grandma thinks I am: n/a
My grandpa thinks I am: n/a
My boyfriend/girlfriend thinks I am: dont have one
My best friend thinks I am: me, krista
+ three best qualities: odd, original, bouyant
+three worst qualities= stupid, emotional, loving
+three things you are often complimented for = smart, well-read, intelligent
+compliments you get that make you blush= that i matter, that i am loved, that you care. (usually false compliments)
+you get embarrassed when= not much really.
+makes you happy = knowing ashley, reading something that makes me forget, music that makes me feel.
+upsets you when= people call me some stereotype (grunge, emo, punk, kid, teen, rocker and, once, goth)

Yes or NO....
+you keep a diary = your'e kinda looking at it.
+you like to cook = not so much
+you have a secret you have not shared with anyone = yes
+you fold your underwear = if i can't avoid it
+talk in your sleep= yes
+you set your watch a few minutes ahead = no
+you bite your fingernails = yes
+you believe in love = sometimes

Last...
x. movie you rented = the wizard of OZ
x. movie you bought = household-Scarface, me-The Marix Reloaded
x. song you listened to = Gorillaz- Clint Eastwood (Ed Case remix),
x. song that was stuck in your head = Last Resort- Papa Roach
x. song you've downloaded = The Pixies- Where is My Head
x. cd you bought= GO, the soundtrack
x.CD you listened to = The Presidents of the United States of America, self-titled album.
x. person you've called = Ashley
x. person that's called you = Ashley
x.TV show you've watched = uhm, Friends at Ashley's house on Wensday... i think it was wensday...
x. person you were thinking of = Morgan

head in my hands
tears are flowing freely now
fuck holding back
i'm through
i'm done.

i cant play the part for long
my will breaks down
i tire
i drown.

head in my hands
he cant understand
why i try to be kind
spare my feelings next time.

we're in two different worlds
i'm trying to find mine
he's not me
we're not we.

move! talk! live! love!
don't let the past drag you down
i'm here for you like always
but i don't know for how long.

head in my hands
he cant understand
why i need him there
let me know that you care.

the tears dry up
i'm acting my part
i lift my head
i hide my heart.


(i love emoallen)

Oh man, homework like crazy. I am so lonely. I want to give something to someone (you important people know what I mean). I am tired. Tech started today. Oh, things are going to be getting exciting around here. Oh yes heather, even with the eczema, I would. Without would be better though, as we all know. Whig+Gnome= evil monkey pizza. I love Ashley, my wonderful and beautiful wife. I also love my girlfriend on the side, Heather. If only I was as popular in hetero relationships as I am in lesbian ones.

tired and the lights are low, I'm down by sixteen.

Ashley wants me to post and I just beat this really awesome fishy game so I figured I might as well. I dunno. I haven't been exactly feeling like typing a massive chunk of text. I don't know how I feel I don't know what I want. I am so lost. I have been missing quite a bit of school too. I was out for more than just a few days. I think I am falling behind. My head hurts. I wanna go out and hook-up (in that non-sex way, ash). I'm not sure whether I could or not but who knows. I'm just kinda tired, I guess. Not feeling much. Okay, that is a lie. I'm feeling a lot. More than anyone else is feeling about me especially. Everything kinda went into neutral except for me. I'm still all about my extremes. Most of the time I don't even feel like how I am acting. I can be a hard ass bitch to someone while I really feel like crying in a corner and telling them how much I hurt inside. And that isn't just David. I just want to cry with someone. I was about ready to tell Bryan and Adrian all about my life and how I feel. That is how bad it was today. I barely know them but already I just want to spill. Bryan is an awesome kid and I try and help him out with this girl he has just totally fallen for. Tanya. Yeah, I saw her pictures, really cute but nothing too special. So I talk to him about it. I let him tell me about it and I give my version of advice. I don't really tell either of them, Bryan and Adrian, about my life. I'm just another crazy upperclassman to them, I guess. We have fun. We just sat there in class and listened to Adrian's Green Day CD on Bryans Walkman with a headphone jack splitter. I was using one of Bryan's earbuds while Adrian just used his Sony wraparounds. It was fun but I just wanted to die. Sink into the floor and burn in the fiery pits of the self-inflicted pain of hell. Sadness, anger, resentment, seclusion and far too much time to myself. I have been at home way too much. I need to get out. I need the play. But I was always sorta alone at the plays, once I quit sound. Why did I do that? I was THE Crew Leader. But I switched to deck because Becky complained, a lot. I'm stupid. Jesus, why do I do such things. I am never going to have any respect in tech. I'm just blah,... Expendable. God *Ashley* damn it, I hate how, all of a sudden, every girl has been fucked. I just hear it everywhere now. I mean, I thought it was just a TV exaggeration, but no, a lot of the girls talk about having sex and they ask you when was your first time. I say I never had sex and then they turn and look at me and say, You're a virgin? Like they thought there was a difference. Stupid girls. You can guess how it feels though. Like I should go out and do it just to get it over with. So I can finally just out what all the hoopla is. I mean, it can't be that great. I don't even masturbate, I doubt it will be some big surprise as to what happens. So I will wait... Forever and ever. I do and I don't want to. Also the fact that there is nobody I want to do it with. I am sorta disgusted with a majority of guys. Maybe I can get a gay guy. Pay Travis to have sex with me. He's gay, it would work. I wish. I actually did darken the blue in my hair, made it look tons better. Pieter saw it today and said "it's not you," like he knows who I am. Strange folk. Steven called me a "weird ass" and I was strangely complimented. I don't think of suicide as often. I don't sit there and think about it. For hours at a time for weeks. No. I stopped that. I hope it stays stopped. All I feel like doing lately is sleeping. My dreams are weird but not like the ones before. If I really love you, then you know what I mean about the "dreams before". Not weird like that but they are archaic. Rarely does anybody speak English. Except me, of course. Sometimes, I guess, I am afraid during these new dreams. I want to but I cant, type situation. That and I've been kicking so damn much lately that I don't even bother to make my bed again. And I'm lazy. Whatever. I guess I'm okay. I I'm just a little off. Sorry for the short lapse between posts. I figure you all got used to having a brand spankin new post everyday. I will try and shape up.

Love, i love you so much

Oh man, my hair. This is way too cool for me. I am going to make it a little darker but, right now, its is a light blue/white streaks in my light/dark brown hair. I think it looks good, and once the blue comes out, I can put almost any color I want in it where it is bleached. Kinda looks like I have gray hair at first. I plan to fix that. I'm reading the book Ender's Game and I like it as much as I did the first time I read it. It is so amazing. Orson Scott Card is incredibly amazing if Ender's Game is any show of his talent. I want to read the accompanying books but I am almost worried that they will just suck, kinda like how Necroscope, which started out so fun and ended so stupidly. I understood it and I read the third novel even though it was so boring but I expected so much more based on the first one. Now Chuck Palahuink, he has yet to let me down. I recommended to the school librarian to pick up a few of his novels for the library. Should help out school's reading levels, which are abysmal. Yeah, I made up with Ashley and, thank all the powers that be, she forgave me and took me back and my god I love her so much. She is so kind and understanding and I wish I could be there for her more. I haven't experienced half the pains she has had and I wish I could relate and help her more. But I do what I can, which is all anybody can. I love her for being there for me for all these years and for loving me back from the beginning. I love you Ashley, I never mean to hurt you and I swear I will do my best to never let it happen again. You have my support whenever you need me. I will always be here to listen to you whenever you want me to be and I will love you and be by your side when you need me. I try to. You are wonderful and sweet and caring. You are the best friend I have with Heather. But you know so much more about me. You know everything, you know me through and through. I love you and your family. You all took me in and accepted me. I love you Nichole, you are so beautiful and you make me appreciate all the good things around us. I find so much joy with you and I hope I can bring some back to you. I love you all so much and I am so glad to be a part of your lives. You make me, me. I am so lost without you and I would not be who I am now. I can only say the best of things about you guys because you have been the absolute best things to have ever happened to me. I love you so much. I am so glad I met you. I am so glad you love me too. I love you and miss you right now as I sit at home. <33333

No time for a substantial post today. Helloooo survey....

Basics..

[ Full name ] Christina Marie Martinez

[ Nicknames ] Krista, Crista, Whig, Chris

[Resides in ] The Golden State

[ Good student ] in that not-so-good way

[ Eyes ] I think they are hazel but this girl I know who works in optometry said they are gray. So, gray.

[ Hair ] Originally darkish brown. Soon to be brown and blue.

[ Shoe size ] 7-8 in men's

Last time you...

[ Brushed your hair ] when I got home from school

[ Washed your hair ] this morning

[ Checked your e-mail ] just now, DSL has taken over my life...

[ Called someone ] after school.

[ Laughed ] in Mr. Elliotts classroom after school.


Do You ..

[ Smoke? ] no

[Do drugs??] no

[ Drink? ] no... Good [me] I sound like I goody-goody...

[Have sex?] no, have yet to be at the right place in the right time

[ Have a dream that keeps coming back? ] yeah

[ Play an instrument? ] no, total lack of musical talent

[ Believe there is life on other planets? ] I guess... Would not make sense if we were the only life in the universe.

[ Remember your first love? ] I think so, I hope I loved him, I think I did.

[ Read the newspaper? ] why not.

[ Have any gay or lesbian friends? ] no, I live in a shell somewhere in Idaho *sarcasm for the "challenged" among you*

[ Consider love a mistake? ] I think mine was not yet meant to be.

[ Believe in God? ] of course I believe in myself.

[ Pray? ] talk to myself all the time.

[ Have any secrets? ] unfortunately, yes.

[ Have any pets ] lots and lots of 'em. I think my parents are psycho.

[ Have any piercings? ] nope

[ Have any tattoos? ] no, someday maybe.

[ Have an obsession? ] no way! *Matrixcough*

[ Have a secret crush? ] occasionally... Like now.

[ Collect anything? ] yup.

[ Like your handwriting? ] hells no.

[ Have any bad habits? ] I think I am a bad habit

[ Boy/girlfriend's looks? ] tall, deep eyes, kind smile, nice hands and soft lips.

[ Believe in Satan? ] hail Satan[Ashley]

[ Believe in ghosts? ] sorta.


Current:

[ Mood ] happier, I love Ashley

[ Make-up ] none

[ Music ] At-The-Drive-In, Relationship Command

[ Taste ] Extra spearmint gum

[ Hair ] down, all frizzy and half curly.

[ Annoyance ] ignorance

[ Smell ] my upper lip

[ Book ] Door to December by Dean Koontz

[ Fingernail Color ] nail...

[ Refreshment ] my own spearmint flavored saliva

[ Worry ] how I am going to stop being so stupid and mean to the people who mean the most to me.

Last Person:

[ You Talked to ] My mom about her clay stuff.

[ You Hugged ] Heather

[ You Yelled At ] Annie

[ You Had A Crush On ] Kevin Cataneo

[ Who Broke Your Heart ] David

Favorite:

[ Food ] Toasty O's, food of the l33t

[ Color ] green

[ Shoes ] my old black converse that I can only wear when mom isn't looking

[ Candy ] uhm, Mr. Goodbar

[ Animal ] duck... or emu... or tiger...

[ TV Show ] nip/tuck

[ Movie ] The Matrix and Fight Club

[ Song ] that is actually a deceptively hard question

[ Vegetable ] carrots

[ Fruit ] pears

Who do you want to. . .

[ Kill ] Claudia, Kelly, Annie (sometimes, most the time), Rat-Rachel

[ Slap ] annoying Asian girl in my Spanish class, Colin, Stacey

[ Tickle ] what the fuck?

[ Talk To ] Ashley


and all of that was because I don't feel like actually writing anything at the moment.

All new, all gone

Yeah, a new template. A lot of things are changing for me right now. My head hurts and I think I'm going crazy instead of getting better on this stupid medicine. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow. I am trying to forget everything I lost. I lost all those people who said they cared. I guess that was all I had. But they don't want me and never is there a one sided love. Only longing. I was always trying to be good and being something. I was trying to be good at being myself. I think that counts as originality, but not really so much. I like this template a lot. It only took a little bit of work to make it perfect and that is what it is now. Perfect. Except for the stupid banner ad. I do think I am going insane. I hate to think about where my life is going to take me. Every time I get settled in some sort of path, I get lost and I don't know what is next. I thought I was going to be friends with the last group I was "part" of forever. But I was so exceptionally expendable to them. Call me crazy but I don't really like being the friend that is there only when you need me. I don't want to have to shut up about my problems. I don't want to have to get over it. I want to be upset. I want to get over it when I am ready to get over it. I guess this is some sort of break through for all those people I knew. They don't want to bring me back to them so I'm not going to crawl back and promise to be good and never think about myself ever, ever again. Who knows what this may do for me in the long run. Maybe I can get back to something. I don't know. I don't know what I was doing wrong all this time. I guess I don't really know anything about anything that is happening to me. I don't think this would be called growing up because, if anything, I feel less mature. Like I said, I don't know what is going on in my mind. I am sure part if this is the fucking zoloft but I cant blame it all on that. I was fucked up before that even began. I get my hair done on the 12th. Blue steaks of some sort. And I finally found my The Presidents of the United States of America self-titled CD. I missed it. Anything I have wanted, I have been getting lately. Anything material. But the really unfair trade-off is that I don't have anyone to share it with right now. I am keeping everyone at arms length and trying most earnestly to make them all hate me. This is only making mildly satisfactory results. They are becoming neutral about me. I want them to hate me, to be so filled with rage that they tell me what they do think. Not this crap about how I need to get over this for my own sake. I want them to scream at me that, because I had my own problems, I wasn't there to listen to them and to help them. I want them to cry that I was so self-centered to have put myself first in my time of need when they could have used my help. I want to hear all of the little stories they tell themselves that they believe, I want to hear those crumble and blow away. So much is out there to hear that is dead. Everyday, inadvertently, we listen to dead things. Recorded music by our favorite oldie artists who died so many years ago, O.D., erotic asphyxia, plane crashes, ham sandwich, suicide. TV, Nick-at-Nite, dementia, senile delusion, alcoholism. I think the worst part is the laugh tracks we hear all over the place. People from decades ago laughing at things that happened after they died. Some people think it is bad to even speak of the dead and we sit a listen to them laugh from nowhere at something that does not even warrant laughing. Echoes from god knows where. Telling us what is funny. The dead are laughing on a empty studio set. We take for granted a lot of what we hear. Sometimes I wish for silence. After being born into sounds though, silence is pretty scary. Nilophobia. A fear of nothing or zero. I think my ranting is done for now. This whole post was just about getting a new template. Good night.

Out away gone

Have you ever felt like nobody cares anymore? That it was all of a sudden far too easy to push everyone in your life away? That you are already in the process of being replaced? I think I am. I mean, I don't know why everything fell apart. People got too sick of seeing me whine. I never tried to force how I felt on anybody. I sit there for as long as I can to let people tell me how they feel. It doesn't even matter if this is my closest friend or some half-way aquiantince friend. I do my best and listen to everything they have to say. I give my all in advice, I try to help, I follow up and try to be as kind as I can. I do my best for these people and they thank me. But when I have a problem everybody is so easily gone. I don't want to talk but I want someone to listen. I wish that I wasn't so annoying. I guess everybody wants me to sit there for them and help them and listen and change their minds, tell them that their is some thing worth living for, that somebody cares. I sit there and listen and change their minds. I sit there and tell them that they matter. But nobody wants to listen to me. Nobody changes my mind. I think they want to let me rot in my own mind hell. I was never important enough to be bothered with. I told everyone to fuck off and they did. I remember when Morgana told me she hated me. I sat at the computer for as long as it took to get what was wrong out of her. And she was the one to start all of it. She even blocked me and I switched SNs, I did whatever I could to make her mind better to help whatever could be wrong with her. She wanted me to hate her. And I couldn't. I couldn't just let her go. And she wasn't even my best friend. Now, I have a problem in my mind that I cant get over and she tells me to shut up and get over it. I guess I should but, what the hell, fuck her too. I hate people who do something to make any of my friends upset but now I cant stand to even look at David and Ashley just tells me to get over it too, she doesn't want to have to choose. Well, fine, I wont make her choose. I will do it for her. I left and nobody cares. Nobody minds the mess I made in my mine. All is fine and dandy for everyone but me and that passes just well for everyone else. I want to hurt myself again so bad. I want to tear at my wrists I want to stab my thighs I want to rip out all my hair I want to punch walls and kick anything. I want to get this pain out of my body so badly. I am doing everything I can to keep from crying when I wake up. And nobody cares. I haven't gone to school in two days and I want to stay out on Monday too. I don't want to have to dodge people in the halls. I don't want to have to smile for some random person I see. I hate everything and being immersed in the very embodiment of all that I loathe is not so good for my morale. I think my passing has gone unnoticed. As far as I can tell, Ashley could be happy I am finally gone. I wont steal her shine, I wont stop her from being all she can be, I wont make her be my friend anymore. I wont be anything. She has whoever she wants to be her friend. Who knows. I am almost jealous. But I am me. I am alone. I am out. I am gone from you. I wont be whining and complaining because you hurt me again. I am sorry that all I do is bitch about how unhappy I am. I didn't mean to make all of you happy people feel guilty and such and such. I just wanted to be loved. But nothing is eternal but love and nothing is eternal.

i hate you, i hate all of you. if you hate everything i do, why dont you just fucking tell me then instead of waiting around for me to forget what i did. I hate you all. Fuck off, im sorry i am so annoying.

Hate, hate, hate, it is there.
I'm still ranting. I was just talking to David so you know I am so full of emotion right now. He really bothers me. I don't know why I am still trying to resolve how I feel with him. I just want him to see it the way I do.

Rantings I was about to put in my Sub

Some times I think I am the only one to understand the complications of human emotion. Is it true? Am I the only one? If so, take me now, kill me now, I don't want to breathe now. Nobody seems to see my mind but I see you so clearly. You want to, you don't. I want to but cant. The ball was to you and you threw it away. Now I cant play. I'm alone every day. Make me mad, make me bleed. Hold me down, I wont breathe. You make me want to throw it away. Make me want to give it all up. To chance everything but you for you. I am now killing my soul for a chance you may go. Leave me alone. I want you to leave. I don't need to see how happy you will be without me. I don't want to but must walk on my own. To keep my sanity I have to risk what I need. You held me warm. I want you near. I cant sit close without smelling your hair. I think of you daily, almost every hour. I know you don't care. I need not, but I dare, to keep it inside so you can slide. Away from me. Into you I want to be. But she is what you want to need. No commitment for me, I'm not human, you see. I am something that is made, something made for his fun. I have nothing more to me than three double C's. Turn me off, flip my switch, my program was made with too many a glitch. You want me to screw, to suck and to fuck. I was built with my morals and want to be loved. I want you with me. I wish it was me that you held so long alone. I wish you would show others my photo and say, she is mine. I will love her for as long as I know time. I'm so pathetic you see, that I know this will never be but I wont abort my thoughts. I wont leave it alone. I I want to know it that which you gave away. Too many before and many more after. I am everything to you that I don't want to be. Everything to you that I don't want to be. I want you for you. You want me for me. Why is it not working, why is there another "she"? Is she really all that much better than me?

god, I want to die, right now. I am so alone and fuck, David, David, David just die. I think I am wrong, I think I am lost. All that I needed was your touch. You held me so close, you squeezed me so tight. I thought I might be special. I thought you cared. I thought I was more. I thought it was important. I thought you had a reason. You have a girlfriend now... I don't know her name. I don't think I want to. TO give a name to her would make her so much more human. To mean she is better, there is a girl there with you who is better than me. Meaning there are a lot more of them out there. Meaning I am gone to you. I never have another chance. To treat you like shit so you don't feel I am your girlfriend. You didn't want commitment, you said. You lied. You didn't want me. So much of it was a lie. I wish you told me, I so don't like you, I think you are repulsive, I think you stink, I think you are nothing, a boy, smelly, rotten, bitch. Anything but make me feel the way I did, do and will. I hate me. I hate you. Go die with your girlfriend. I hate your lies. I hate you I hate you, I hate everything about you now. I want you out. I want you gone. Would you leave for me? Go away so I don't have to think of everything I will always be missing. You see, though I am nothing to you, only a toy, I do have a soul. I don't lie to those I care about and when I said I liked you, I meant it. I wanted to be with you, I just wanted time. You didn't. Though you can just tease me and make me wish I could press against you, hold you, be held and kiss you, even though I cant, I wont do that to you. I cared. I would be hurting myself by doing those same things you do to me now because I do care, did care. You didn't, you don't. I hate you.

Amanda's Birthday Party

That was a lot of fun. Cheerleader Massacre is the worst movie/undercover porn ever. That was such a stupid movie. Anyway, I had a lot of fun. I don't really feel like typing right now. I am so freaking tired. We stayed up hella late. I left the front room where everybody was still sleep ing and talking to sleep in the entry way. I just didn't want to be in there anymore but it was still a blast, the whole day over all. Me and Ashley stayed for the family party and we watched Anger Management. That was mucho fun. Oh, and yesterday, we went bowling. Farin and Elliott showed up at the alley and it was all gravy and such. Then, at Amanda's house, we played truth-or-dare and of course we all found out way too much about members of the opposite sex. Boys that I never needed to hear these things about. And a lot of discussion about how some guys had treated other girls. I was really uncomfortable during that part. I am scared that I was used by David and I hear these things and it seems like every girl there has a story about it. I am afraid that David is mine. Everyone is something... What if my something is being nothing to everyone?

Ghosts, ghouls, goblins and other assorted retards.

I have had a really good couple of days here. In fact, so good, that I have neglected to blog for a few days. I tried to blog and a had told almost all of my stories for the last few days and then I accidentally clicked some link and it took it all away. That always pisses me off. But yes, I have had a really good time. I guess I will start out with my one/four good deed(s) from Thursday. Well, I went to blockbuster late at night on Wednesday to go see if I could get this really huge, really cool Matrix cardboard display. The Blockbuster that had promised us the thing in the first place told us that they had given it to someone else claiming to be me. So we asked them if there was anywhere else we could go to obtain our product. She, the employee, directed us to look at the other Blockbusters to see if any of them had kept theirs. We, me and Frankie, then ventured off to the ghetto Blockbuster at Pak-and-Save where the wondrous display was still up and there in all of its glory. We asked if we could somehow acquire this master piece but the workers there at the moment said that the only associate with the power of bestowing upon us this gift was the Store Manager named Gary. Gary did not work evenings. Gary is a slacker. We left the store feeling very dejected when I looked behind me as we trod off from the place of woe only to see the salvation for my morale. A very large, outdoor poster for the Matrix was erected outside of the side window, one obscured from the inside eyes of Blockbuster minions by movie displays and stands. Not only was this wonderful specimen erected on the outside of the window, it was also already falling down in the top, right hand corner of the top right hand segment. This atrocity was destroying the image of this neighbor hood, a poster failing in the wind is not a good thing for property prices, so I thusly removed the segments of poster with Frankie's help and then rolled the poster up while Frankie brought Mom's Pontiac around to the side of the merchandise lenders shop so that no overly zealous employee could misconstrue our activities as stealing. I hurriedly opened the backseat door on Frankie's side, ran to the passenger side and threw myself in to the seat, still closing my door as Frankie squealed the black Grand Prix around the parking lot islands and unto the street. We had made it out of the den of Blockbusterites and decide to celebrate the successful liberation of our prize by eating at Taco Bell. When we arrived at our home I immediately began to erect the bounty on my own wall as I sign of my virility and prowess. I enlisted the help of my younger female sibling to attach the lower left segment of the poster to my wall. The finished product of my endeavors is the magnificent display of my treasure now, signifying my Fanboy-like obsession with The Matrix. It looks so cool, you have no idea.

And that was our vocabulary lesson for the rest of the week. I wish I had found a place to use the word "gelatinous".

Thursday at school was rather a droll day, nothing but jealous mobs of people after my poster. Frankie did get me out of school for a while because Gary, the store manager, was supposed to be at work from 9-5 but he was not in. Gary is a gelatinous loser. We got some lunch at Jack-in-the-Box and I went back to school for people to drool all over my chocolate shake. I am starting to hate Gary with a sever form of vengeance mixed in. But yes, later on that day, Thursday, Ashley had one of the best ideas I have heard in a very long time. She should spend the night over and we could get ready for Halloween together, at my house, in the morning and then go to school, since I live like a block away. Our guardians hesitantly agreed to out dubious proposition, to our glee. Ashley discovered, part way through the night, that she had abandoned herself at my house without makeup. In a hurry, she thrust herself at my computer to ask of her to sister that favor of bringing her, Ashley's, makeup to my house with her, Nichole, in the morning. Relieved, Ashley and I lied down on my bed to immerse ourselves in the cinematic pleasure that is Fight Club. While enjoying this brainchild of Chuck Palahuink and Fox Films, we took sporadic breaks to prepare ourselves for the day to come. Ashley tried on the various attributes of her costume, such as fish net stockings, knee high boots, low cut black top, miniskirt and a nun hat with various attachable sayings of a pun-like nature. Her costume rocked. I was taping cotton balls to my sweatshirt and jeans and filling up my squirt gun. I was Partially Cloudy with a Chance of Rain. In the morning we actually woke up mostly on time and Nichole brought Ashley the unnecessary face accessories. I think Ashley happens to look really beautiful without make up. Prettier than when she does wear all of her regular make ups. Though the black eye stuff does look good. Well, we were almost late because Ashley was putting on her reunited supplies and I was looking for a water bottle label for Nic. We finally left my house and made it to school barely before the bell. My costume was appreciated fully only by those who knew what I was before hand. I would ask people to guess what I was and every time they answered wrong, I would squirt them. Hell, I squirted people just because I could. Pieter socked me in the arm but he warned me that he would so I kinda deserved it. Though it was worth it to get a nice healthy stream of water in Pieters ear. After school time activities and instruction were all over, we left for Stevens house. Steven was not at is house so we turned back toward the school to walk back to my house. At my house I heifer ed out on French bread and cranberry juice. Nancy and Ashley just gazed at my fabulous display of Matrix memorabilia while chewing on French bread. My mother then transported all three of us to the house of Ashley. Many activities commenced upon the arrival of all guests. Those attending were myself, Ashley, Nancy, Morgana, Brian and Steven. Nancy was playing guitar and the other four were making out with their respective significant others for a majority of the time that they could. I cooked pizza and had a very intense pillow fight with Nichole. That was a lot of fun and I am still hitting you Nichole, did you quit? At one point during the Halloween festivities I was dragged and humped and pushed and forced in to the upstairs bathroom where I was expected to masturbate to relieve my horny status. I quickly dispersed from the bathroom and barracaded myself in Ashleys room to deter any more attacks on my vaginal integrity. I was also humped by both Ashley and Morgana. All in all, I had an exceptionally scary and mildly scarring Halloween episode. Tonight I am to attend a sleep over and birthday party for Amanda. I have no idea who will be there beyond Me, Ashley and, of course, Amanda. I expect another evening of teenage horniness and mayhem. I will bestow upon you the full detailed account of my evening at Amandas when I can. Hopefully this massive, full text, no lyrics post will relieve you of your Crista yearnings for now. Until then, late.
CMaZ

Good morning

I really need something better to do with my life. Maybe someday I should go outside. I hear that things are looking up out there., Speaking of outside, I was running around town with Frankie last night. We wreaked havoc upon the city and actually did a good deed. Or four good deeds, depending and how you count it. More later. I have to go to school now.

I am so pathetic, I should just kill myself now.

My page title was "[something, something]... I hate you David like whoa" and I almost changed it to "I miss you David like whoa" which is so utterly pathetic (pothetic, lol) because he doesn't even read this anymore, either that or he is lying again. He told me he doesn't know where it is so that means he cant read it. Which is sad. I am sad about it. He knows nothing about me anymore. I hate that but I miss him. He is with that girl he made out with. With as in he wants to call he his own and he wants her more than he ever did me. And he cares about her more already. I guess I am part of all the stupid things he has done. And girls at school think I slept with him. Yeah, they do. I found that out today. I am really upset.

Yeah, I was just pretty offended by Ashley. I don't know why but it seems like nobody cares how I feel. They pretend while it is interesting but I always have to perk up and be happy again. This is really sad for me. I feel like shit now. I guess no body can deal with the fact that I am unhappy. I don't feel good. I do not want to joke around. Everybody wants me to be sensitive to their problems they tell me and even problems I don't know about but as soon as I have problem it is a joke. Every time I come to any of my friends, crying or heart broken or lonely, it is a joke. Tongue literally in cheek, I am a whore, I am impure, haha, look at me dance and writhe in pain and hurt and anger and sorrow and despair and emptiness. It is so funny. Dance again, dance again. My painted happy face is a lot harder to keep on than you know. I do try. Fuck, I put every one of my truest emotions up in a fucking website for you and still treat me like my life is a joke. I try to show you how I feel. I yell you I am unhappy and hurt to your face and continue to smile cause I cant let it out. I don't do it for you, I do it so I can look at myself and hold myself up. I try to tell you but it is still a joke. I am a slut a whore another hole for a dick. Thanks. Thanks a lot for being so sensitive to how I feel. I want to let you know, one on one how I feel but once you take it as a joke I don't even want to talk to you. I blocked you, yeah, I blocked anyone you might ask if I was still on. I blocked everyone and I sat on another SN. You are still happy, you go on with your jokes and fun. I don't affect you anymore. I am a comedian, a jester and I guess that is my fault. I must have done that. Being funny was my key to attention and I could do it. But it hurts me now. I want to talk about how alone and sad I am. How dirty I feel. How thrown away. How used. But you laugh and jest and are happy and don't want to hear it. I listened to your voicemail messages and I heard what you said. You don't care. You had a smile in your voice. You were hoping I got kicked off the net and it wasn't you. It was. I cant tell anyone how I feel. I cant show my face. I am gone to you. I am gone.

Bored out of my skull... Hateful at the moment too.

I am so full of hate, it is not even funny. I guess I use the word hate too much too. It is supposed to be saved for those situations requiring a STRONG emphasis. Who cares? Not I. Oh hey, I just found the worlds most useless tag ever. A marquee with a behavior modification. This is what it does.and that is all it does. I really have way too much time then I guess that this is now my hobby so what the hell. This is how I spend my time, this is what I do. I don't mean for it to be on the open web but I like web design and I like HTML and I like that some people can relate. I guess I am even kinda glad that some odd person wanted to insult me. I don't actually know if he meant to insult me but he left a fake email address and I see that as really stupid. I try to be polite, except when I am so fucking pissed at some one, like I was when I changed the title of my site on that bar up there. I was getting kinda sick of it just saying the title of my blog up there. I don't change my blog title so I might as well fuck around with that thing up there. Anyway, last night I spent at Ashley's house. In the morning she made me pull weeds. That was pretty fun. This huge weed signed all over me. I had plant ejaculation all over me. Oh Jesus, I know someone will search for the word jism and get my site now. Damnit all to hell. No, this is actually sorta funny. Especially the people who search for hot ren fair pictures of boobs, breasts or whatever and get my site. ALL THIS IS IS A JOURNAL. I swear... People are sick. haha, it is funny though. Anyway, back to plant jism, this huge weed just gushed out all over everything. The ground was white and it was sick. All the while i was fighting the porn-star-plant, Ashley was cutting up worms with her spade. Yeah, we treat all forms of life with respect. Well, at least I do. I'm trying to be chipper but I really am not. I am pretty torn apart. I don't know. Lately everything has been coming back and I guess I am just covering it up better and better. My grades are coming up and that means I must be just fine. I guess, though everything seems better than before on the outside, I feel more and more like killing myself. I feel like killing myself. I wont say it, or even IM it, but I do. Don't ask me about it, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to blog it. I want to feel better and I guess that that the first thing I have to do to feel better is to act like I feel better. Then, maybe, everything will get better, like my grades or mom or something. I mean, now, both of my moms are sick. Ashleys mom is almost like the source for that type of motherly love I want and now she isn't so well and I know that this in no way hurts me nearly as much as it must hurt Ashley, it does hurt. I am afraid that I will lose everything just as I can start to act normal and happy. This is so stupid. I just typed that all really fast and all of a sudden. I don't know why I get like that so swiftly. I capture it at just the right time sometimes. I guess this is why I blog so fucking much. I sit here and wait until I feel all stupid and emotional and I let myself vomit all this emotion to the web for everybody else to stare at and gawk. My whole life is a traffic incident and this is the crime scene and everybody who passes by just stares and stares, rarely, if ever, helping out. I hate that... Nothing I can do about it though. Damn mind vomit. What a gross analogy.

damn tired... i want to skip spell check today... blow me.

yeah, i dont know why i was so bugged out there for awhile. I guess i hate that somebody can completely leave me even now.

I got so good at fooling myself into believing that that will never happen again. I thought i was indispensable now. I grew up a little and now people wont be able to stop loving me all at once.

But they can. very easily it seems. and i am slowly learning that fact. i wish i wasnt.

I dont know how something can bother me so much. I try so hard to be strong. But im not. I want to be weak, somewhere, inside, i want to be weak in someones arms why they stroke my hair and hold me and whisper that it will be okay.

I want to be complete.
I want to be broken so someone can put me together.

i wish i was whole. I want to be placed high.
i want to be made complete, i want to rise from ashes.

Before you can gain anything you must first lose everything. Fight Club-ism for daily life.
Almost like Tyler Durden is here with us. Lol, i am not a freak, i just like the book.

David is happy. I dont want him unhappy with me but i dont want him to hate me. I wish i could die right now. I try so hard to kill myself and the one time i think i could i wont because i will be killing myself over a guy and i know how stupid that is and i know i can get over it but i dont really want to right now. I want him to want me more. I dont want to be the last thing. i dont want to be so unwanted forever. I am not going to be picked up from my place in my hell in my mind. I am going o be left here forever. Because of a boy.

i must be overreacting.
i hate you david. i really do
how can i give you so much of me and you can just let me be like this, you can forget me. Apparently you lost and forgot all of me. YOu dont even know where this is anymore. you dont have my SNs. You dont want me at all. I hate you so much.

If you are pretending, to make me hate you, i hate you more. I hate you lying to me again.

I was not good.

I was not right to you.

I was another mistake, a blemish, something to remove and forget.

The one fucking percent my ass. I hate you. so much

I wont show it. Why bother? why should i give you the intense pleasure of know i feel so much for you? why should you know that i hate you so much? i can keep it in, hold it, breath around it, not listen to it. I can hate you without remembering that i do.

i can hate you the whole time.

i dont want you to touch me but i wont stop you.

i want you to walk home and die on the way there of heatstroke but i will still give you a lift home.

I hate you but i will comfort you. i will say that it will be all okay when i hope your life shatters into so many pieces that you feel nothing and you want to die. you want out of the pain and the hurt and the fear and the insecurity and the SHAME the DEGRATION the nothingness that is now your insides and your whole life shatters like glass like light like pain like thoughts.

in so many shiny pieces.

Just so much feeling. I cant get rid of it. It has to change. It is changing. I hate you.

I will hate you. I dont care how long i have to hold on to this sick black pearl but i will. I will add to it, make it bigger, polish it, hold it in but you wont know. One day i will open it and give it all to you to have. And you will have to carry it.

Believe me, i will try and make it heavy. I will do it. I am starting but you dont know it. I hate you. I hate everything about you. I want to scream how stupid you are into your face every time you say something.

But i wont.

I will hold it all up for you. For so long you will entierly forget how much you hurt me and how much you put on me and how much i did for you.

Then i will hand it all over. Calmly and surely i will hand it over to you. You will take my work of months, maybe years, and have it all at once. You wont get out of it. I will use your stupid self pity against you.

you thought self pity was fool proof? oh no, my dear dear boy, oh god no.

you are nothing, you can do nothing right. Whatever you say, i will agree. You are nothing. you are NOTHING. i at least have my pain. You never took your pain for this. You were upset that i didnt still love you and that i wasnt all peachy with you tossing me in the figurative shit hole.

I hate you so much and so dearly, for as long as it shall live.

And it will live. I will nurture it like a baby. A tumor inside of my. Growing and feeding on my hate for you and for what you have done to me and for what you have taken from me. I will let it grow with every moment i see you. You will feed my hate and i will feed that to it. I will let it get so big and vile and healthy.

I hate you to the depths of all i know.

GO away. i hate you. i will keep my hate and you will not know. You dont care, remember? You wont know i can hide. I can do it for a long long time. i will hate you in my way because everyone else doesnt care. Nobody will ever do anything to get you away from me. Ashley will talk to you, you will still hang out during breaks... you will be there but i will pretend but i will hate you. so much. SO much, so much it hurts me more.

In that good, hair pulling, slashing my wrists, cutting my thighs way.

i hate you like i hate self destruction.

i just gotta have it.

My Ass... Make that Dr. My Ass PhD.

Man, doctors are so full of shit. I don't really understand anything that they say and I am pretty sure that that is the point. The psychiatrist is the worse, then the psychologist and lastly my pediatrician. I'm sure that, once I have one, my gynecologist is going to be full of shit too. And of course, since he was a BIG problem for me, they all make me talk about David and what happened with it and they ask me if he made me do anything I didn't want to do and all this happy crappy about what happened there. I just want to forget about it. I want to move on.

(NOTE TO ASHLEY! I think I figured out what one of the things I told you about on the night means. Not the first or the last of the things but the one thing with the thing between me and the guy where after we do our thing the new guy comes in and asks if he can do a thing with me. I think it means I can have a better thing with a better guy if I just get over the thing and the things that happened during the thing. That there are better things and guys and things to have. Cause we both know that the late guy who has to go is better than the guy with the thing. I hope nobody else can understand that. If you really want to know, IM or email me and I will explain, if I feel like it)

Back to whatever, I was out yesterday and for 5th and 6th period in school just to see all these doctors and such for medication. I am getting the Zolof or something. The one with the sperm-y (or Strong Sad's head) guy in the commercial. Yeah, I have never been on anything like that before. I have met people who were, I have talked to them and I have thought to myself that I know what it is like. I think I may have told someone that I have been on prozac but I haven't. I have never been on anything before. I am kinda worried/scared/relieved/anxious. I have no idea what to expect. I have never been in this situation I guess it want to. I don't want to kill myself because David doesn't like me anymore. I want to be normal and have normal mood swings. I definitely want to stop pulling my hair. Especially pulling my hair because of dreams and David and classes and high school in general. The normal high school mistakes that only bother most kids for a month or so last me for a lot longer. I thought I could help myself by telling everybody and myself that I was totally over him. I thought I acted it out very well. It did help me but I guess I wanted to be his friend I know now that that will never happen. He lies to me, he treats me like his ex-girlfriend and I think he is trying to think of me like that. He talked about her a lot and the other day he told me I should dye my hair purple. He wants me to be Kelly. I guess he wants to hate me. I guess I have no choice. I want him to leave then. I do not want to have to look at him all the time know he wants me to be gone. I cant leave my friends. I cant do without them, especially now. I need them for this. I cant do it alone no matter how much David wants me gone. I don't know why he had to lie to me and to deceive me and to treat me like utter shit now. I wish I had never met him now. I wish I had never. I wish I had never let him convince me that I was pretty or kind or important to him. I wish I had never let this happen to me. I wish it had happened to someone else. I wish I was as good as anybody else. I cant compare to any of his other girls. I wish I was special. I wish I was unique. I wish I was not just the same decaying organic matter as everything else. Why did I let myself think I was more to somebody else. More than just an opinion, a witty remark, some good advice, an encouraging word or two. I wish I was more. I wish I was more than that to someone who would hold me and keep me safe and to love me. Nobody wants to. Everybody just wants to use me for advice and to take from me. Nobody wants to give me anything. I am nothing. I am so unimportant. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish I was more than just a toy. I wish I was something more. I wish I was yours. I wish I was gone from here when you tore me down. I know now what did wrong but no more. You again have someone better than me. You want her. She was good enough for you to want to call yours. No matter how much he (you, whatever) said that he liked me, I was never good enough to be his. Never. I wish I had never. I bet he wishes he had never. He said I was the one percent of things he had done right in life so far. Everything else was a screw up and that I was special and right in his life. It was all bull shit to the greatest extent. I am the one wrong thing. Everything else was right and worthy and all that. I was not. I am the rouge factor. The wrong the mistake. I am the wrong part. I am the bruise. I am the forgotten. Put me in an oubliette and forget I ever happened. Labyrinth, oubliette, I am sure that everything is forgotten by him. I was nothing and it is easy to forget something that is nothing, doesn't matter. He was important to me. I wanted him to be happy. I was happy when I was with him. He mattered a lot to me. I tried so hard to put everything behind me. I didn't want it to be a joke but neither did I want to think of it as something serious. I want to forget so bad. I tried so hard. But I have to try harder. Everything, everything, I wish everything was gone. I wish I was able to change it. I wish he didn't think that what I did was so unimportant. It wasn't. It was a big deal to me. It was so important, such a big deal in my mind. But to him, it was nothing. It was so small, unimportant. Nothing. I was nothing. I am nothing. I need to forget all of it. I don't want to have to think so much of somebody who wants me gone. I wish he would leave. I wish he was gone. I wish he would go away. I want him gone. I don't want him to try and make me go away. I was here first. He came with Kelly. I want him gone to leave me to grieve for myself. I want to be able to get it out. I cant do this. I cant do this. I cant do this at all. I don't want this. I cant do this forever. I don't want to be here. I want to be gone. I want him gone. I want to be done. I wish it was over but it is not. It is not over at all. For me it is not even close to over. For him it is all closed and done with and he is finished. On to the next girl. I thought I was important. I thought I was unique. I am the same decaying matter as everything else.

Lobsters... *shiver*

"All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears--of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required."
----Dave Barry

*yeah

i know that my last post has some mistakes... sorry.

This is so strange. Lately I don't really want to blog so much. I am kinda forcing myself to now. I don't feel so good. People are bitching at me. Some are taking what I say in my blog way too seriously. I don't know why. This all sucks. Life seems to feel like shit lately. I thought I explained how my blog is kinda like concentrated Crista. Take whatever I say with a grain of salt please. More for your sake than mine. I know what I mean when I write. You don't. I wrote just the same as when nobody read my blog. Now you all do and you try and pin me with what I say. DON'T! Stop, you cannot take what I say here and use it against me. You can not do that. Nobody can take what I say here and use it to try and hurt me. I never said my life was worse than yours, I do not give a fuck if you feel I am unfair in here. I probably am but it is my blog so you can fuck off. You can think whatever of me. And in the situation of Heather in particular, when did I say you had a perfect life? When? I don't get why the hell you tripped out. I never said I don't except you. I was talking about how I make it better for me. I never said I don't care about you feel, all I said was you didn't care that it bothered me. Apparently I have no right to feel left out. You have a great boyfriend but you have to have the affection of every other guy too. You can't let me feel special or pretty or important ever. You always have to make me the background of your importance. And you twist it around so you can say I don't care about you and that I ignore you. I don't. When did I? Why do you have to make everything something you didn't do? You admitted that you lied about me to save you own ass. I was around first but I have to look like the bad one. I have to be the one in the wrong. Will you always lie about me to make yourself seem better? What have you already said about me so you can get what you want? Fuck,. How many people do you lie to about me? I don't know, I guess I never will. It hurts me so much yet nobody cares. You don't care, you just don't want guilt. How can you blame what I said before on me? I had about two sentences and you took it out and made it seem like I wrote an attack against you. Nobody seems to understand how often I am hurt. Especially just by the littlest things. I guess (or some other day on the hesitancy. Something recently happened.) I am totally over David but the fact that he lied to me so often kinda bothers me. But then I guess that it was the right time for him with the right girl who was not me. Ashley doesn't think she is so hot but wow... She is. I saw a picture for a few seconds today and damn. I don't know if he was joking about hooking me up but he said she had a twin... Nice. She looked really blonde... Not exactly my type of girl, but oh well. I still don like all of his lies to me. I guess I am overly sensitive sometimes, especially when it comes to things like romantic (not that there was ever any romance) relationships. Last time I was the one to close it and it didn't hurt as much or have much of a hangover because I had a chance to think about it. This all sprung up then sprung away. Please hold back all sexual jokes for that line. Thank you. I try to be happy but sometimes it seems like everyone wants to bring me down. I don't know why but it seems that way sometimes, almost all the time. Well, I'm talking to Ashley right now. I have to tell her some stuff now. Late.
CMaZ