Yeah, tomorrow might as well be called that. We all have party's and give and get gifts. Make merriment. All that happy crappy. I get to do... Nothing much at all tomorrow. I need to do my Geo-ethnic History report over this break. I couldn't do it while I was... Incapacitated. My history teacher, Mr. Romero, said I could turn it in after the Non-denominational Winter vacation. Yes, it is actually called that... Technically. Who calls it that, other than me, of course? Nobody, I would imagine. Well... I am in a mood as it is. I am just all melancholy. No reason that I am aware of. By all means I should be happy. I have everything I could ever need and more. I guess I am just... Weird.... Wrong... Stupid... Off...
pathetic is not the word but it is the first one to come to mind.
mom keeps bugging me to learn how to drive. On and on, I never hear the end of how easier everything would be if I could take over some of the stuff mom does and learn to drive. I don't want to drive. I am scared. I don't want to grow up. I don't think I can do it either. And I don't want another way to try and kill myself. Yeah, I am pretty sure I would try. At least once. Just to see if I can do it for real. Man, people who show off their scars should die. Seriously. It bothers me so much. I just want to scream at them that it is not cool, it is not trendy, it is something for yourself. It is your release. You don't flaunt it like some jewelry item. I hate it. I do, very much so. Wearing long sleeves is what you do. ROLLING THEM UP IS NOT. Stupid kids think it is oh so cool. And I don't. I don't at all. I tell a very few select people. Very few. And I tell them because I have to. The five people who know(because I told them and wanted to tell them) are so different yet so smart and important to me. I don't tell them because I want their love or friendship. I tell them because I know they will all tell me something different and I want to hear anything I can to help myself.
Needful is another word that is coming to mind.
I have to learn to drive, I guess. Mom even gave me a mailer card from the mail with a website and such to take a course. I don't want to. I don't want to do this. I don't need any more responsibility. Ever. I have enough. I have enough in my head to deal with. I also don't need to drive. I like my bike, I miss my scooter and I like to walk around. Makes me feel good. I like walking in the rain. Makes me feel even better. Calmer. Nicer. Whole. Balanced.
Normal is not the word but it is the one I think of now.
I want to get tomorrow over with. I want to finish up this Christmas, wrap up all the gifts and get my shit together. I miss that we already did the showcase. It was fun. I did good, I think. People tell me that they could tell it was my voice from up in the sound booth. I had fun, especially second period when we got our shit together. And I felt like part of something. I felt like I belonged. I felt needed and wanted. Because I was important. Kids told me I did a good job, wanted to hang out with me, asked me to go with them places. It was good. It would have been too perfect if it had been raining. Too perfect because I know I would never be living better.
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