Jesus, I haven't blogging much at all lately. I mean, I used to do about one post every single solitary day. Now? I have a few for the week. And they aren't that long. I guess I have been busy. I had tech for the last few weeks, which, though mucho fun, takes up a lot of my time and makes me really tired. That and this medicine is making me exceptionally drowsy. So I don't have much else to do right now except sleep (which I want to do) or blog (which I know I should do). So, as you can tell, I am blogging. I am actually kinda sorry that I have been neglecting my blog so much. I want to pour out all of my emotion but I am not quite sure how to anymore. Everything has been getting harder for me to do in the last few weeks. My whole life is in sepia. I have that feeling, you know, where everything feels kinda fake and you don't really think your reflection looks like you. Yeah, I have been like that for a few days now. And I didn't feel good before that either, I was just sorta down and out. I have no real reason to be upset. I mean, Mom has been a bit sicker than usual and it is really hard to see her taking so many pills and still feeling like crap. I wish I could make her better. I wish that no doctor would ever look at her blood and declare her sick. I hate that I wish she was better for my sake more than hers. I am so selfish that I think of myself in everything. Who knows. I guess I am just in some sorta melancholy mood right now. I still have that feeling like the whole world is a hazy dream and I am waking up in any second. I have really realistic dreams sometimes and when the whole world feels like this, it is really hard to distinguish dreams from waking life. I know, I know, that is so uber cliche, but it is true for most of us, I think. What has happened in my life(dream) lately? Well, I am almost sure that I don't want to be with Tim anymore. Not totally, but almost. Ashley talked to me about it and let me hear both sides of the coin from her. I still don't know. It is kinda hard to think of what I will have wanted myself to do in the future. The more time I spend away from Tim, the less sure I am about what I want to do. Not much less, but enough to have all of those thoughts of doubt. I have been babysitting everyday of this weekend. Friday night, a little girl, the daughter of one of my Dad's friends, stayed over at my house while her parents went to a dinner party. I made thirty-four dollars that night. The little girl was really sweet too. Her name was Susannah. She ended up falling asleep in my bed. Then, last night, I was babysitting for the Kims because Mr. Kim was out of town and Mrs. Kim wanted to go to some movie with her sister. So I stayed with Melissa and Luke. Luke was uber whiney and such because he stayed up really late the night before and was still tired. So I put him to bed early and helped him get to sleep by doing a relaxation for him. I made twenty-eight dollars last night for that. And tonight I am sitting for the Carson family. I love them. Their son, Ben, is so cute. He told me, the last time I sat for them, that he wants to marry me. I could of just picked him up and taken him home, it was so cute. I never want to have kids of my own. I don't think I could handle it if my kids were losers or little punks. I would have to kick them so so so much. And I would have to kill the little brat it if turned out at all like Annie. Kill her then kill myself. I am not having that may thoughts about suicide lately. Not too many. I was thinking but I haven't done anything like cut or pull or punch. So I think I am in good shape then on that note. I took my contacts out last night and I am too lazy to put them back in yet so I am wearing my broken glasses. My broken glasses with only one arm, and that one arm is defective anyway. I can see, but I can't move my head lest the retarded spectacles fly of my face in a flurry of Ralph Lauren rage. Or something like that. I have to go to the bathroom now. So this ends here. I hope to be back on a regular blogging schedule soon enough.

~CMaZ~