Allow me to sort my thoughts, writing this as if today were still Wednesday

Current Music: The Books - Don't Even Sing About It


I saw Gabe today. It was amazing and I realize just how much I missed that boy.


I saw Akim the day before yesterday. I adore him and I don't think we will ever stop being friends.


I saw Scott the day before the day before yesterday. I'm in crazy amounts of puppy love and am happy to call him my boyfriend now.


I saw Dell and Melanie the day before the day before the day before yesterday. I love the both of them but I'd rather just laugh about that night and forget it.


I saw Rich the day before the day before the day before the day before yesterday. I don't know if I'm going to keep in contact with that boy, as sweet as he is.

call for an answer, nothing in return

Current Music: Idle

i never thought i would see the day that my Avunc would blow me off for a guy.

You watch, you pay!

Current Music: The Books - Enjoy Your Worries, You May Never Have Them Again

That might just be the longest song title I've archived in here. Reminiscent is a good word to describe this song and how i feel right now. It takes me through different stories every time i hear it. It may be why I like The Books so much; their work is so eclectic and amazing and it awakens parts of my memory that bring me to crests of every emotion, turn after turn. Every song feels like a beautiful microcosm of life. It's nonsensical because that is how things are but each little piece, no matter how arbitrary its' placement seems, works to create a bigger picture, a more fitting feeling. Repetition of the word "aleatoric" with different enunciations and single letters spoken over an heavily digitalized music woven with, of all things, roughly played cello, to actually create aleatoric music. It's all i can do to keep from crying out from the roof tops in sheer auditory bliss. The Thought for Food album is so amazingly put together, each song segueing into the other; not a moment to sit and think too long about anything until after the album is done when the whole thing can hit you in the face five minutes later when all the irony, desperation, desire, sadness, elation and sense of community can fully settle in.

okay. . . that went to a weird place. My five year old self (heh, like I talked when I was five) is telling me, "If you love The Books so much. . . WHY DON'T YOU MARRY IT?!?" My only retort? I would if i could.

I'm. . . I'm a little weirded out by Akim today. Yeah, yeah, I read into everything far too much but. . .. Meh. I overuse ellipsis; this is me caring. He got upset, not really upset just perturbed, I suppose, at me for almost everything I did. How I feel, or don't, towards other guys, wearing his robe, laying in bed. It was weird. He was probably having a -ish day though I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong vis-a-vie him and me. I have to admit though, my feelings about things like that always run the gamut of "I must have done something wrong."

Saw Hostel today. I know, I'm always late on these sorts of things. Pop culture is something I am severely lacking in. Can't help it, I'm too much of a nerd. Aww, ferret shuffle. Anyway. . .. Watched it, sat back, watched it again. Wasn't as gruesome as I had been told to expect. And the cute, dorky, white kid had to die. Watching him be intimate was most the reason I put up with the first half. . . twice. He was adorable. Oh, that movie gave me a horrid Jisatsu Sakkuru flashback near the end. Aye, good ol' fashioned Japanese horror. Heh, the other day, Frankie asked me about Ichi the Killer. I was so proud. For once, I'm the more knowledgeable about a subculture. I'm going to gloat for a while.

I keep cleaning my room but it is never clean. Blegh.

Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard

Current Music: The Spill Canvas - Aim Snap Fall

I think i would feel a little less insane if i could just stop FUCKING rocking back and forth.

*rubs temples*

I can't be in this fucking house with these fucking people and their constant questions and asking and the watching and there is no fucking telling when it is going to stop.

I have NO ONE to fucking turn to right now. I have NOTHING to be here for. I'm taking my FUCKING medication. I'm eating fine mom, thank you oh so fucking much. I don't give a shit what i look like, i'm losing weight you should be happy since i won't be such a fat ass much longer.

GOD just leave me the FUCK alone you stupid fucking people. I want some peace and fucking quiet or i want to be talking to people WHO ARE NOT YOU.

I wish i had something or someone or anyone to pull me out of this place and take me somewhere, it doesn't matter where, a place where none of this shit matters. I can let go, have a smoke, ignore the phone and just enjoy being still. I can't sit still in this place. Always something, somewhere, to do. I liked it when things were simple and i could just watch tv at Dells until morning and then fall asleep and it was okay. Or talk to Akim all night, only waking up in the morning when he pulls the cover over my head, whispering for me to be quiet for a minute. There weren't expectations. I was who i was and that was okay.

Now it seems like all anyone wants to do is change me. I should be more confident. I should say what i mean. I should stop lying or telling the truth so much. I shouldn't feel that way. I should do this. I can't change who i am, nor would i want to. Yes, i do things that are bad for me. I spend all my money on other people, i suppress my own feelings to make others more comfortable. I don't know that i could change my faults without altering something fairly important to who i am. I change in little ways, sure. It's called growing up.

Everyone is in constant flux but my "friends" only seem to have problems with these overarching problems. These are people who i accept for all their faults. Hell, i can't even think of them as faults but simply characteristics. I love(d) Morgan and Akim, despite all their faults. Two completely different people but both battling some inner issues that i can't even touch with my issues. To think, both pitied my state of mind. *snerk*.

I fear a little bit for Dell or Rich or more people who i've yet to meet; I'm afraid of them discovering how messed up i am. I know that most people aren't like me when it comes to accepting faults. I'm a bit of an oddity that way.

Dell, most of all, won't be able to handle just letting me be who i am. He will see it as his job to inform me of my issues and them find a way to fix them. I kinda respect the way he can unflinchingly tell people these things. It is audacity in its least self-serving form. Teh huevos, you know?

It comes down to the fact that i do not like anyone telling me to do or not do anything. I make my own decisions.

It'd be nice to have someone to talk to along the way though.

You can't swim in a town this shallow

Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Why You'd Want to Live Here

I have so much hate in my heart right now. Perhaps this isn't the best way to start a new month in my archive but since when have i cared?

I am a spiteful little thing right now. I hate so much it's near impossible to explain. My stomach hurts, I'm seriously in pain with this emotion. So much anger, my body is trying to react and i can't and it internalizes and it hurts like a mother fucker.

There are times where i really wish i could leave and run and get away from all this shit whenever i pleased. I am so stuck and i;m frustrated with my circumstances. I hate so much. I don't know what has happened to me. I used to be such a happy girl. I know i was. I know that the insults and slings and barbed words never bothered me as much as they do now. Even looking back on it seems worse that how it was actually living through it. I don't know why i trusted anyone ever again but i did. Maybe for the better. I don't know. It's so hard to tell with akim sometimes, if he is holding out for a joke down the line or if he is trying to fuck with my head. Sometimes, the things he says seem to have no purpose. Why he would try to continue making me insecure about Melanie and Dell, i will never know. It was pointless to do that. there is so little that makes sense. He tells me he doesn't rank his friends, a friend is a friend is a friend then he tells me that my feelings don't matter compared to dells because he has known dell longer. I just don't. . . Fuck, i don't know. It's confusing and i don't even know if it is worth the effort to sort it out.

I've always had the least function friendships and relationships. I'm just not good with interaction i suppose. Or i've always picked the wrong people or the wrong ways to get to know people. I wish i could try again, across the board. I don't regret anything, it happened like it did but, if i could, i would go back with my knowledge of now and try everything over again. I think i would do better. I think i might be a better person for it. But i can't and i'm not nor will i ever be. I'm just me.

I just want to be more than that.