You can't swim in a town this shallow

Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Why You'd Want to Live Here

I have so much hate in my heart right now. Perhaps this isn't the best way to start a new month in my archive but since when have i cared?

I am a spiteful little thing right now. I hate so much it's near impossible to explain. My stomach hurts, I'm seriously in pain with this emotion. So much anger, my body is trying to react and i can't and it internalizes and it hurts like a mother fucker.

There are times where i really wish i could leave and run and get away from all this shit whenever i pleased. I am so stuck and i;m frustrated with my circumstances. I hate so much. I don't know what has happened to me. I used to be such a happy girl. I know i was. I know that the insults and slings and barbed words never bothered me as much as they do now. Even looking back on it seems worse that how it was actually living through it. I don't know why i trusted anyone ever again but i did. Maybe for the better. I don't know. It's so hard to tell with akim sometimes, if he is holding out for a joke down the line or if he is trying to fuck with my head. Sometimes, the things he says seem to have no purpose. Why he would try to continue making me insecure about Melanie and Dell, i will never know. It was pointless to do that. there is so little that makes sense. He tells me he doesn't rank his friends, a friend is a friend is a friend then he tells me that my feelings don't matter compared to dells because he has known dell longer. I just don't. . . Fuck, i don't know. It's confusing and i don't even know if it is worth the effort to sort it out.

I've always had the least function friendships and relationships. I'm just not good with interaction i suppose. Or i've always picked the wrong people or the wrong ways to get to know people. I wish i could try again, across the board. I don't regret anything, it happened like it did but, if i could, i would go back with my knowledge of now and try everything over again. I think i would do better. I think i might be a better person for it. But i can't and i'm not nor will i ever be. I'm just me.

I just want to be more than that.