I'm not particularly well right now. Not for any real reason. I've gotten engaged, oddly enough. It's the right thing with the right person and they respect and love and care for me in an impassioned and honest way. it's a good love.
But the dread is there. Cold sweats. pain in my eyes, the tunnel vision, the dizziness, and, mostly, the crying. there is this thing where i feel like I've made a connection with a person, and it feels good. I open up and i am given positive feedback. I'm told to be honest. I warn and make sure that these people know i am weak, I am damaged and i am unable to give back what i receive sometimes. That I am, by and large, a good friend with large swathes of bad.
It would be so much easier if they let me know, right then, that it won't be worth it for them to continue the friendship. The guilt. The backtalk. The pain of hurting someone and the pain of being intentionally hurt in return.
I don't have it in me to keep up when i'm cloudy. My minimum isn't enough for just me. much less me and others.
I've come back and i'm prepared to make up for the time, but it was too much time past. I think. It must be. It feels like it.
I miss my friends who understood. who knew my patterns, expected and forgave them.
