God, sometimes there is nothing I can do to sate what emotion I have. It hurts hurts hurts me to be so reliant on what other people do/say/think to be happy. I want, or need, to hurt someone or something right now. I guess it is more of a need type thing here. I had a super time at the concert/show thing. Elseworth is so amazing live. That and their CD (Tell a Friend) rocks ass too. And I had my CD signed by all the guys. And we got Bryan a CD and had that signed as well, since he couldn't come and all. I might have had a better time if he had. I might have felt that I wasn't always second best to someone else and that I am not always just used for what I have and what I can give. He might have made me feel like a person, not a supplier. Well, fuck, I did and I will and nobody could care about it now, after the fact at four in the morning when I feel my worse. This was a fucking favor. Yeah, I wanted to go, but fuck this was Ian's thing, all we got was to see a band for half an hour after a four hour drive down there. But whatever the fuck that isn't even my reason for feeling so alienated and alone and stupid and ugly and pissed off and used. But I cant talk about it cause that isn't the nice type of thing anyone wants to hear. I'm supposed to be happy all the time and not cut and not rant anything out. Who can I tell? No one. No one wants to hear that for once I thought I had friends who liked me and weren't obsessed about my other friends. Though I'm not really that important to her either anymore. I'm just lost from everything. And nothing has made it better. I want to bleed out this crap. But no, I have to stop that for mom and dad. After I move out then they could give half a shit on a tin roof less about what I do to myself. As long as they aren't to blame for it and they don't have to pay anything for it. I'm on a fast little rotation right now. Up down up down updownupdownupdowndowndown.

free-fall' isn't the right word, but it is the first to come to mind

I let myself do this, I swear. I want to have this crap on me. Then, after having it all been myself, I want to throw it at someone else. Fuck them, they can have it, I made, but they deserve it. I'm such a fucker. Someone should kill me. At least I know I deserve the fuck ass friends I have. I'll get used to it, of course.

see also: middle school; youth group; life in general.

Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. I get left with the mess and the work after all the others had their fill. I will be working tomorrow so that everyone else, no, just mostly Ian, could have a day of fun. And run off. So I can be alone again. I guess. Wonderful. Just wonderful. And not so long ago I wondered why I had such good friends. Funny, I don't know where they went. Now, all I can do is type and know I could get a razor in two minutes and be an inch from euphoria in four minutes past that. And why am I not? Because... I don't know really. I don't want to go to the hospital. Sure I can hide it for a while, a long time in fact. I doubt mom cares enough to check me again for a month at least, but she might notice I flinch with every step. Pain so good it stays. I can only imagine being talked badly about right now. Stupid, fat, clingy, freak, loser, loner, outcast, lesbian, hermit, who cares, why bother, forget her, only good for her stuff, only good for her hot friends, ugly girls always have hot friends. Wince. I can only just hear it, the laughter, the mocking. But nobody can hear me. Nobody could guess. Nobody would.

Maybe later I will talk about the short-lived fun I had.

Quiz me more

[mood]reflective
[music]Playgirl(Commodore Rock EP) by Ladytron

<3: name = Christina
<3: nicknames = Krista, Crista, Lanyard God
<3: piercing = none
<3: birthday = July 21 1987
<3: tattoos = i wish
<3: height = 5'8"
<3: hair color = dark brown and red
<3: siblings = 0ne younger sister, one older brother

LAST...
<3: person you've called = Ian
<3: person that's called you = Ian and Bryan
<3: person you hugged = Bryan
<3: person you said i love you to = Philip
<3: thing you ate = carn chips
<3: person you loved = no comment
<3: person you took a picture with = Ashley
<3: thought = my hands are still vibrating...
<3: person you IMed = Ian
<3: person you had a serious talk with = Bryan
<3: person who broke ur heart = David
<3: TV show you've watched = Gilmore Girls
<3: person you were thinking of = Heather

DO...
<3: you have a bf or gf = not to my knowledge
<3: you have a crush on someone= i alwasy do
<3: you wish u could live somewhere else = yeah, Japan, Australia, Germany, France... the list goes on
<3: you think about suicide = failry often
<3: you believe in online dating = i hope not
<3: others find you attractive = not many
<3: you want more piercings = maybe never
<3: you drink = mountain dew
<3: you do drugs = sure, the doctor gives them to me all the time
<3: you smoke = the competition
<3: you like cleaning = sometimes
<3: you like roller coasters = damn straight


FOR OR AGAINST...
<3: long distance relationships = It happens
<3: using someone = if they are nice, im all for it
<3: suicide = for, but not all the time
<3: killing people = duh, but only certain people should kill and others killed
<3: teenage smoking = personal choice
<3: premarital sex = i hope for it someday
<3: driving drunk = all against. that doesnt hurt just you, it hurts too many others.
<3: gay/lesbian relationship = only if both guys are hot.


FAVORITE...
<3: soap operas = dont watch any
<3: food = cereal
<3: thing to do = read/sleep... they combine sometimes
<3: sports = soccer
<3: drinks = Mountain Dew and flavored water
<3: clothes = jackets
<3: holiday = my birthday
<3: word = bizzatch
<3: nickname = Sweetie.. i love being called nice names like that
<3: guy name = Emmanuel
<3: girl name = Taylor
<3: eye color = mine
<3: piercing = eyebrow piercings
<3: actor/actress = Carrie-Ann Moss, Hugo Weaving, Brad Pitt

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
<3: pretty = no
<3: funny = no
<3: hot = not in the least
<3: friendly = barely if ever
<3: amusing = not to anybody but sadistic monkeys
<3: ugly = quite
<3: loveable = not usually.... or ever
<3: pessimistic = not really. just realistic
<3: optimistic = sometimes
<3: caring = not often
<3: sweet = never
<3: dorky = kinda not really
<3: Spell your first name backwards = atsirk or anitsirhc
<3: The story behind your user name = emoturm is a word frankie made up that i related to very well.
<3: Are you straight? = as far as i know

WHO OR WHAT (WAS/IS/ARE) -
<3: In my mouth = saliva
<3: In my head = nueral snappings
<3: Wishing = i was more of a person
<3: After this = leaving in the RV for the concert
<3: Talking to = Ian
<3: Eating = the last mountain dew i shamefully hid from Bryan and Ian last night while they were over.
<3: If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason = Kelly. i hate her
<3: Person you wish you could see right now = my grandpa, he had the best advice for anything, and i could use it now
<3: Is next to you = my frog stuffed animal and my geckos looking at me for food
<3: Something you're lookig forward to in this up coming month = spring break and off of grounding
<3: Something that you are deathly afraid of = that my friends arent really
<3: Do you like candles = damn skippy
<3: Do you like hot wax = yeah
<3: Do you believe in love = not usually
<3: Do you believe in soul mates = not as far as i know
<3: Do you believe in love at first sight = it oculd happen
<3: Do you believe in forgiveness = i try not to
<3: Do you believe in God = sorta, im agnostic
<3: Who is your worst enemy? = Kimberly, my imaginary friend who wont go away
<3: If you could have any animal for a pet = snake, gila monster, Komodo Dragon
<3: What is the latest you've ever stayed up = three days
<3: Ever been to Belgium = not yet
<3: Can you eat with chopsticks = yup
<3: What are some of your favorite pig out foods = cookies
<3: What's something that you wish people would understand = i am the same and wont change for a long time
<3: What's something you wish you could understand better = quantum physics
<3: Something you want to happening tomorrow = get home and hang out for a while with some friends

cut it short,

[mood]apathetic
[music]Ladybird by Ladytron

I think... I think I ... I think I have something bigger than I know going on behind my eyelids every time I blink. I think that something more important that I know is still happening inside me but I cant see it yet. That and I am pretty mad right now. No reason, not in particular that I could point out for you to see and analyze, but just something is not very pretty inside me right now. I guess AIM playing along well. It is a lot easier to play off as happy and well-adjusted when I am not around the people who know me best. Well, person who knows me best. I'm afraid that I am losing my best friend. I feel like I'm not important to her anymore and that 'I love you' has lost some meaning. If so, it would be of mutual blame. Or so I would like to think. I have a concert on Saturday yet I am still not feeling excited. This should be a big deal. I should be planning something. But so I find, planning out what I want only makes more opportunity for me to be disappointed. It took me two tries to get my hip thing to pop back in after I twisted my leg around today. That and I feel in mud twice while wearing a skirt and sandals. Fucking California weather. I almost threw up in class while we were watching the beginning scenes of Saving Private Ryan in U.S. History. I couldn't stop thinking that these were real people, this actually happened, this isn't pretend like every other movie you watch, this shit which is worse than any of the other shit you watch, this shit is the one that is real. And I felt like puking right there. I felt like puking and beating the crap out of every person in class who laughed at any point of the clip we saw. I wanted to make sure they knew it was no joke, it was not funny at all, it was never meant to be or will be funny. I wanted to scream in the faces of all of them who sit at home and never even have to know the pain of one bullet shot but will laugh as someone gets shot over and over. Their excuse? That they are jaded by media and video games. Fuck them. I play more video games that any of them, and I was sickened by this. And I have seen it before. And I never want to see it again. I don't enjoy that type of thing. I doubt I ever will. I wanted to be held and someone to tell me it was alright and stroke my hair and make sure I was okay. Not just the nonchalant glances and stares I had as I dry heaved a couple times in my chair. I guess people think I am immune to any sort of pain. I cant feel it when I get hurt, I pretend to be emotionally strong as well. So I guess I must be invincible. And I'm not. I just want someone to figure that out. I want someone to let me know that I will be fine. I don't want to be coddled about what I can change. That is something entirely different. When people see my scars they go into the mode of "oh, I'm so sorry, you poor girl, I never knew, I wish I could help you, I'm so very sorry" and only one person has ever said to me "That is not cool, that is not good for you, I don't want you to do that and if you do I don't want to see it". That made me feel better. I guess it is because I am looking for something different. That is all I really want, something away from my life. Something to take me away from the mundane redundant droll that is everything I live. I want exciting, I want thought, I want care when I need it, indifference when I deserve it. I want what I deserve. I want people to stop letting me get what I want when I don't deserve it. That and I want to remove this jade I have on life. It is goddamn annoying. Nothing is new to me, nothing is great. Fuck, I've lived life times over again. Take away everything I have. Take away my house. Take away my clothes. Take away my school. I don't know what I would be without everything. What would I have? Books in my head? Vague story ideas? How does that help me survive, in the Hunter-Gather sense of the word? It doesn't. I have nothing without everything. I am pathetic. And self-loathing. And hateful. And stupid. And mean. And undeserving. And friendless as far as I can see.

Forgive for I have sinned

[mood]grateful and sustained
[music]Maria by Green Day and Friend is a Four Letter Word by Cake

Well, I am so grounded. For bad bad grades I lost the internet. For cutting school back while mom and dad were out of the country, I am not allowed out of the house. I am going stir crazy. At least friends are allowed to come over here, which is the only plus I can see for miles around. I get to go get my hair dyed again today. I don't what I'm going to get done yet but I am definitely going to get my hair dyed a base color like my own natural shade of brown. Because most of my friends have never seen me with dark brown hair. Losers, hah. Okay, so I read this comic called Burning Hope on the Matrix site. It is really good. I also downloaded the 160 page preview of the comic book about The Matrix. I want to buy the actual book. Which I will, since mom owes me a bunch of money anyway. Bwuahah, that is pretty cool. So I have the best friends ever. Why, or more like how, did such a mean, bitchy, violent person like me get such good friends? It makes no sense. But I'm lucky, so I will not doubt my amazing friends. And now I know Bryan does not read this blog so I am a little more comfortable. I don't think any of those three guys do read this. I guess Elis knows it is here but he doesn't read the blogs, just the quote bar. I really need to clean my keyboard. I am typing from bed. And I am naked. Which is normal. Those of you who know me or talk to me online know that I am rarely clothed. Ha, funny shiz. You know, I was never really aware of how comfortable I am with me, my body and my sexuality until I met people who aren't and who get weird around people who are. Makes me feel lucky to not have to work around what I want to say to avoid certain words, topics and the such. I just don't want anyone to see me without clothes. Hell, even Ashley has seen only one of my boobs and that was an accident and will never happen again as long as I am sober and fully conscious. And I plan on being sober for at least another couple years. That will be one of the situations, when I finally do get drunk i mean, where you want to warn the fish. Man, no is going to get that but you Ashley. Haha, and that is the way I like it. Well, I missed the hockey play-off last night, but we won so that is all good. I could really care less but just barely. Except that it makes Ian happy and that is a good thing. If I could ever have a super power, it would be dimming. You know, become not invisible but unnoticable. I could fit in and walk around just like any normal person and be forgotten because I would be so unremarkable. Man, if only I could have a super power. Ha, if I had powers I would so use them for evil and personal gain. Most the time at least, I might help someone else every once in a while, but only if they are good, I like them and I am not too busy. It is not my fault they don't have powers too. Ha, wow, I am so mean. Damn Skippy. I am hungry. The last thing I had to east was two slices of pizza yesterday in the early evening. And that was all I had that day besides Mountain Dew. I have two bruises on my right breast and I don't know why or from where. I also have a bruise on my right arm and my right thigh. I really need to be more careful. Eh, bruises are temporary, just like any other sign of pain, it will fade with enough time. Or so I hope and all. I am making collages/wallpapers now. I'm going crazy with Photoshop. I think I'm getting better too. Basically, when I didn't have internet for a few days I had to do something else to keep from tearing myself apart. Mostly when I was angry. Which happens more than you would think. I can see myself in the mirror on my door while I am on my bed. That is kinda cool. I should probably get dressed now. I have another hour till I'm supposed to be at my hair thing which is all the way downtown. I swear, if I never had to go do anything, I would blog forever. I never run out of things to say, which is a trend I follow at school too. I talked with Bryan on the phone the other day for three hours. Mind you, it was mostly him talking. I love hearing him talk because, even on the phone, I can just see him making all those gesticulations. I even told him what he was doing with his left hand while he said "I don't know" and it was like a mini-epiphany. It isn't just that I love to hear him talk, I really enjoy talking with him. As you can see, I am a bit long-winded, and I love to talk, I never stop, which gets some teachers mad sometimes. But, when I am talking with Bryan, I don't feel like I need to keep filling in all the air with my words. I can sit and not say a goddamned thing. And it is never an uncomfortable silence, at least I don't think so. It doesn't hurt that he says what nobody else will say to me and he never acts like he is sorry for me about certain things that people tend to coddle me about. I am so freaking lucky to have friends like the ones I have. So many different people who all are so amazing in so many ways. Why do they like me? I will never know. Okay, I really do need to go get some clothes on now. Ha, I'm still naked, of course.

Sometimes I worry that I am one of those people I always make fun of. You know, they just wont figure out that they aren't wanted. I don't want to leave high school and be remembered that way, as people joke and talk about how glad they are that I am gone. I asked Philip if he would tell me if I was annoying, he said I wasn't and he would tell me if I was. I felt a little better but not much. I just went through my old voice messages that I never listened to. Ha, one is from some girl named Whitney and she is calling my number cause she thinks it is some guy who she met at church or something. Her message was so pathetic. I felt kinda bad. But she really has to stop calling my phone. Okay, back to me. I am in a shit hole. No joke. I feel like crap. When I was at the mall/movies with some friends Bryan notices my eyes are grey now. Which is a bad sign. My eyes change color on mood, temperature, weather in general, and what I'm wearing. Usually, and in this case, grey is down, sad, depressed and such and such crap. That and I am not sleeping so much at night again. I crashed out today after school, we had a short day and all. I wanted to go out with Ian, Bryan and Philip but my dad told me to stay home. I just didn't feel like arguing, so I did. Ian and Philip came by later and I was asleep but they woke me up. I think I'm going to wear a mini-skirt tomorrow, just for the hell of it, with my blue work shirt. I feel so typical teenager right now, which is kinda nice. Pj pants, a black tank top (ripped under one arm, but I fixed that this morning in a jiffy with duct tape), hair all up in a sloppy clip. So normal... You know, if you don't notice the assorted markings on my arms. I'm putting a bunch of crap on the new and old ones and to my great surprise it is working like woah. The new ones are healing really fast and the old scars have gotten lighter in a week than a month before I started rubbing this stuff in. Anyway, the weird sleeping habits are part of my emotional dives. As are the interesting eye colors, pale with rosy cheek complexion and self-reflection. Not to mention, sensitivity. Do I ever love Bryan. He is a better friend to me sometimes than I think I deserve. Though I don't think he knows it. And he does make up for it some times with raging asshole-dom. I miss Ashley. I haven't seen her, like really seen her, in a while. I know I am closer with her than ever, but at the same time it feels like we are drifting. And like I put more into it than vice-versa. But then, everyone thinks they get the short end of every stick. Pretentious bastards. Pretentious bastards like myself. Though not a real bastard, Mum and Dad were really married by the time I rolled along. haha, so weird to think of out parents as young and thoughtless and carefree. Like ourselves. I am finally getting my plans for the future together. I am getting my license and I am going to make an appointment with Mrs. Mestaz to talk about setting myself up outside of high school and into college. Stranger things have happened. Some colleges, so she said last time I saw her, look for people who don't fit in with the whole HS experience. And that would be me. I just hope I am good enough for them, you know? I'm a little embarrassed of the whole thing, which is why it is a but easier to write it here than to tell someone individually. Ah, blogging, the wimps form of self-expression. I think my eyeballs are burning. Ha, wouldn't that be a hoot. I am reading another webcomic, I will update my links accordingly later, for now, here is a post link to Questionable Content, a really interesting, though currently short, webcomic that updates twice a week and is about some pretty cool people who you would think would be drawn as stereotypes but show just a little more dimension than that. They finally cut me off of my locker. I had to break into the construction zone to get near it. Luckily the Mexican guy who was working in there let me stay in there without a hardhat and look for my binders in the boxes of stuff left in the lockers. What a darling. My hair is tickling my back. I have an appointment with Dr. Wu tomorrow. Again. I think I want to stop therapy. For reals. Try and live like a normal person again. That and therapy seems to be doing shit to help me anyway, so why bother with it, just waste of time and insurance money. Frankie showed me a great site for buying books, Powells, where you can buy used, rare, out of print and new books. A really net site for bibliophiles like myself. I am getting a B+ in sociology. That is practically my highest grade yet Mr. Cava will still tell me I could do better and it is like shit, when will I ever even be good enough for myself to you fucking people? That or I am taking it a little too seriously. I really need to get going on my bug project. I have two months but I really need to make sure I have it done. That and it is also a hugely fun and important project. Ian's dad says the darndest things to me. Last time he came to pick up Ian from Justin's house, I was walking with him, since I live on the other side of the block from Justin. So Ian's dad follows me in the car as I walk home for about half a block. So I jump in the car for a net save of energy. Ian's dad asks me if I like boys. Not so bad... Yet. I say yes. He says I have to watch out for them boys. I say, yes sir, I do. He tells me to not to call him sir unless I want a tip. I say, yes sir. he laughs and tells me to watch out for boys again. I say yes. He says watch out for them pokey things. I laugh but am afraid to laugh as hard as I wanted to at that. Ian's dad is a hoot but I have no idea if he is just messing with me or if he is really serious. It is hard to tell around the accent. I wish I has an accent. Anyway, today he (Ian's dad) comes to pick up Ian and Philip from my house. I am wearing my socks since I was just woken up. He asks me where my shoes are. And I say, I'm not wearing them. He says nice girls wear shoes outside. I say that I am a nice girl. And he asks me where my shoes are. I ask if slippers are okay. he says slippers are for the bedroom and bathroom. I ask, what about the hallway? he says barefoot is okay for the hallway. And I ask if I'm supposed to wear my slippers in my room, then take them off while I walk to the bathroom and put them back on once I get in there. I cant remember what happened next. Oh yeah, their two little dogs came to the car window and I came up to say hi to the little guys. Then I waved bye and went back into the house and back to sleep. I woke up about ten thirty and talked to some people online until they all went to sleep, the quitters. Now I am still awake, tired but I cant sleep. Hence the incoherent and nonsequential blogging. Though, isn't that the best kind?


that sounded like a good enough line to end on for me.