Sometimes I worry that I am one of those people I always make fun of. You know, they just wont figure out that they aren't wanted. I don't want to leave high school and be remembered that way, as people joke and talk about how glad they are that I am gone. I asked Philip if he would tell me if I was annoying, he said I wasn't and he would tell me if I was. I felt a little better but not much. I just went through my old voice messages that I never listened to. Ha, one is from some girl named Whitney and she is calling my number cause she thinks it is some guy who she met at church or something. Her message was so pathetic. I felt kinda bad. But she really has to stop calling my phone. Okay, back to me. I am in a shit hole. No joke. I feel like crap. When I was at the mall/movies with some friends Bryan notices my eyes are grey now. Which is a bad sign. My eyes change color on mood, temperature, weather in general, and what I'm wearing. Usually, and in this case, grey is down, sad, depressed and such and such crap. That and I am not sleeping so much at night again. I crashed out today after school, we had a short day and all. I wanted to go out with Ian, Bryan and Philip but my dad told me to stay home. I just didn't feel like arguing, so I did. Ian and Philip came by later and I was asleep but they woke me up. I think I'm going to wear a mini-skirt tomorrow, just for the hell of it, with my blue work shirt. I feel so typical teenager right now, which is kinda nice. Pj pants, a black tank top (ripped under one arm, but I fixed that this morning in a jiffy with duct tape), hair all up in a sloppy clip. So normal... You know, if you don't notice the assorted markings on my arms. I'm putting a bunch of crap on the new and old ones and to my great surprise it is working like woah. The new ones are healing really fast and the old scars have gotten lighter in a week than a month before I started rubbing this stuff in. Anyway, the weird sleeping habits are part of my emotional dives. As are the interesting eye colors, pale with rosy cheek complexion and self-reflection. Not to mention, sensitivity. Do I ever love Bryan. He is a better friend to me sometimes than I think I deserve. Though I don't think he knows it. And he does make up for it some times with raging asshole-dom. I miss Ashley. I haven't seen her, like really seen her, in a while. I know I am closer with her than ever, but at the same time it feels like we are drifting. And like I put more into it than vice-versa. But then, everyone thinks they get the short end of every stick. Pretentious bastards. Pretentious bastards like myself. Though not a real bastard, Mum and Dad were really married by the time I rolled along. haha, so weird to think of out parents as young and thoughtless and carefree. Like ourselves. I am finally getting my plans for the future together. I am getting my license and I am going to make an appointment with Mrs. Mestaz to talk about setting myself up outside of high school and into college. Stranger things have happened. Some colleges, so she said last time I saw her, look for people who don't fit in with the whole HS experience. And that would be me. I just hope I am good enough for them, you know? I'm a little embarrassed of the whole thing, which is why it is a but easier to write it here than to tell someone individually. Ah, blogging, the wimps form of self-expression. I think my eyeballs are burning. Ha, wouldn't that be a hoot. I am reading another webcomic, I will update my links accordingly later, for now, here is a post link to Questionable Content, a really interesting, though currently short, webcomic that updates twice a week and is about some pretty cool people who you would think would be drawn as stereotypes but show just a little more dimension than that. They finally cut me off of my locker. I had to break into the construction zone to get near it. Luckily the Mexican guy who was working in there let me stay in there without a hardhat and look for my binders in the boxes of stuff left in the lockers. What a darling. My hair is tickling my back. I have an appointment with Dr. Wu tomorrow. Again. I think I want to stop therapy. For reals. Try and live like a normal person again. That and therapy seems to be doing shit to help me anyway, so why bother with it, just waste of time and insurance money. Frankie showed me a great site for buying books, Powells, where you can buy used, rare, out of print and new books. A really net site for bibliophiles like myself. I am getting a B+ in sociology. That is practically my highest grade yet Mr. Cava will still tell me I could do better and it is like shit, when will I ever even be good enough for myself to you fucking people? That or I am taking it a little too seriously. I really need to get going on my bug project. I have two months but I really need to make sure I have it done. That and it is also a hugely fun and important project. Ian's dad says the darndest things to me. Last time he came to pick up Ian from Justin's house, I was walking with him, since I live on the other side of the block from Justin. So Ian's dad follows me in the car as I walk home for about half a block. So I jump in the car for a net save of energy. Ian's dad asks me if I like boys. Not so bad... Yet. I say yes. He says I have to watch out for them boys. I say, yes sir, I do. He tells me to not to call him sir unless I want a tip. I say, yes sir. he laughs and tells me to watch out for boys again. I say yes. He says watch out for them pokey things. I laugh but am afraid to laugh as hard as I wanted to at that. Ian's dad is a hoot but I have no idea if he is just messing with me or if he is really serious. It is hard to tell around the accent. I wish I has an accent. Anyway, today he (Ian's dad) comes to pick up Ian and Philip from my house. I am wearing my socks since I was just woken up. He asks me where my shoes are. And I say, I'm not wearing them. He says nice girls wear shoes outside. I say that I am a nice girl. And he asks me where my shoes are. I ask if slippers are okay. he says slippers are for the bedroom and bathroom. I ask, what about the hallway? he says barefoot is okay for the hallway. And I ask if I'm supposed to wear my slippers in my room, then take them off while I walk to the bathroom and put them back on once I get in there. I cant remember what happened next. Oh yeah, their two little dogs came to the car window and I came up to say hi to the little guys. Then I waved bye and went back into the house and back to sleep. I woke up about ten thirty and talked to some people online until they all went to sleep, the quitters. Now I am still awake, tired but I cant sleep. Hence the incoherent and nonsequential blogging. Though, isn't that the best kind?


that sounded like a good enough line to end on for me.