he asked me to... i had no choice

EmoTurm: yeah... i am so teched out
SHQIPERI: u have a x box?
EmoTurm: yeah
SHQIPERI: im sorry i am going to have to kill you
EmoTurm: we got it .... last christmas
EmoTurm: you can play if that will stem the desire to kill me
SHQIPERI: next time we meet will be our last
EmoTurm: haha
EmoTurm: i ph3ar it is so
SHQIPERI: put that in you blog and smoke it


(Some SNs are changed to protect the innocent.)

Insignificance

Man, with the whole big thing of Christmas bringing big family shit together and all the greater meaning stuff, I thought it would be a bigger deal. I guess as we get older everything just looks smaller. Including ourselves. I got a lot of good stuff, but the techie stuff I got, newer, better is already in campaining. Everything is just a little too fast and too... I dunno, materialistic for me to really understand. I love what I got though. I am really happy with the people I love. It is just the world that is pressing against me now. The rest of it. I wish I could wake myself up from it the way some very few people can do. Mother Theresa is a nice example. She cared so little for the world. She would thank me for my assessment of her, keep me in her prayers and such but I imagine that it wouldn't really matter to her. My opinion, yours, the medias. Nobody's was important to her. All that mattered to her was what was important to her in her heart. It was a beautiful thing and it gives me hope to remember her. I hated that nobody recognized that she died on the same day and Princess Di. I guess that that would have been the way she would have wanted it though, you know? I doubt she would want a big deal and fuss made about something that would help nobody in any real way. What a waste it would have been after all of the things she did to help in such a tangible and admirable way. I wish I could be like that. You know, forsake all of the world and all possessions and live entirely in the love of some god and work for this so-called god's goal. You know the goal, to spread the hope or something. Or even to just give someone something to eat, my love for as long as I can, and a faith to keep them warm after I need to leave, move on and spread the theological contagion. But I don't. And I doubt I could give up all I have. Fuck, I had trouble giving a stuffed whale to a kindergartener when I was in the fifth grade. I gave it to the little girl and as soon as I had, I wanted it back. I wanted all the happiness that it gave the girl, I wanted that for myself more than I did for her. Anything that can make someone else happy, it would be better served for me. Like the only things that matter are how I get along and my life and my troubles. It is a terrible feeling to remember how I felt giving that fucking whale to that kid. I even picked that one toy out because I didn't even lie it, you know? I dug through my own huge pile of stuffed toys, looking for the one that I would never miss. I got the whale because it was cheap and I had gotten it a long long time ago at Marine World. I didn't want it. I didn't even like it. But I tried to get it back. God, I am a terrible person. I wish I could be good and upstanding and honorable and true and kind and all those things that make Jesus such a hottie.


Uhm, anyway.... I can blog from bed now. Yeah, I know, you are asking yourself, How? How can you do such an awesome thing? Well, young grasshopper, I now have the coolest keyboard and mouse EVER! Frankie loves me so he got me, not only a DVD-ROM but her got me the sweetest wireless keyboard/mouse set on the market now. It took me a grand total of eight minutes to set up and now I have all these great Hot Keys and wireless-ness. So I am in bed..It seemed like the logical thing to do with my new found freedom and all. And this keyboard makes the nicest sounds as I hit the keys. It makes this nice, almost think sounding click. I also got the MiniDisk player I had been eyeing since I got that free MD a while back. Now I have ten MiniDisks and no idea how I will get enough music to fill 'em all up. I guess I will have to ask Frankie to fill a few up for me. And Ashley. And a whole other butt load of people. I just so played a game of pinball from my bed. Yeah, that was cool. I even got a high score. Though, I have to admit, it was only the third time I have ever played pinball so there are no high scores on my comp. My mood is shifting around a lot right now. I guess it is the little kid in me being all happy is finally getting some sort of foothold on the fucking beast in my head who slashes and bites and kicks and hates the world and hates life and wants me to crawl in a corner and snarl. Yeah, that is usually the reigning side but the whole Christmas thing is kinda hard to be upset during, you know? Yeah, I bet you do you sneaky little shit. Rape me, rape me my friend. Rape me. Rape me again. Am I the only one? Hate me. Do it do it again. Waste me, rape me my friend. Am I the only one, am I the only one, am I the only one? That song is on the radio in my ears right now... I liked it because it was all slow and easy to dictate but then I couldn't really understand that words anymore. I like it. Not the inability to understand, but the song. Now there is a song about a girl named Nikki. I would say this Nikki girl has some serious commitment and self-worth issues. But, oh well, this song sounds pretty damn good too. Turned off the radio, commercials make me sick of humanity and all. Man, I am tired but not. Its weird. I want to sleep but I don't. I dunno. I have been messing around so much with computer stuff today. I installed so many drivers. Finally got to use the two USB ports on the front of my computer. Couldn't get the fucking PS/2 ports to work on my computer so I just hooked the whole shebang in with the combined USB adapter and plugged it in that way on the back USB port. I used the port on the front with my MD player. I just put a couple albums on the one disk I got for free from Tremor. I wish I had gotten more for Ashley. I want to get her something really awesome, you know? Her and her family are so amazing to me. I wish I had money. I wish I had someone who would help me to get something. Fuck, I hate not having a close extended family. All I got is a bunch of fucking cousins and Tias who don't want to see me because I am not what they think a young woman should be. I am supposed to be a cook and a mother and so so... Old already. Well, if I may, fuck that. God, nobody in my family wants me. All I have in Ashley and her family. They always tell me that I am part of their family and I really hope for that. Frankie is the one person I am close to here at home and I know he has to move out soon, or at least her should. I have so much just swimming around right now, as you can tell by my really confused blog post. Thank you, you know, for reading and such.

Ah, pseudo-Christmas almost just as good.

I had a kick ass day today. I did everything I had planned to do. I feel bad though. I broke up with Timmy. I mean, he is a good guy. I do like him. But, as we know, I never have the best of judgment. Well, it went well, the break-up. And he seemed okay and all. And I am single again. Which makes me happy. In that, I am now free to find a smart guy on the college career path. And I cleaned my room up quite a bit. And I now have this kick ass pen Ashley got me right up on my desk. It is so muy cool. It is a jiggly. And green. Like jell-O. This is such a cool pen... Yup, it is. Well... I got a bunch of other stuff today, as well as the pen. I got lots of candy, gifts, cards and hugs. Which makes me happy. Not to mention food. Rosana made cupcakes and jello for us and she made my jell-o extra jiggly (I am not joking!). I got so much food in class it is not even funny. Just... daaamn. Mucho food. And Guerra let us watch King Kong vs. Godzilla 2 in class. I saw Mr. Guerra semi-moshing to Greenday which just makes me so freaking happy. I swear. Mr. Guerra rocks. If you pray, keep him in your thoughts and all. He needs more respect from certain students. I don't know why some kids don't treat him right. He is so nice, funny, smart, cool and just a great guy. I respect him hella. He kinda reminds me of Grandpa. The good grandpa, the Mexican one. Oh man, Christine Romero bought me such a neato present. She got me a Hot Wheels car and a little book and toy set... The Eight Nights of Hanukkah! It has the story of Hanukkah and three dreidels! So mucho cool. I love having such weird friends. Hell, I am probably one of the weirdest. Man oh man. I so wrapped all of the gifts I gave out with duct and caution tape. It will take forever to open. Hehe, which is just what I had planned. I want to open up the gifts from my second family... Soon. I am just busting at the seams with anticipation. I am too friggin lucky. Man oh man I just know the coolest people. Who do such fun things. Yeah, I need to get up on that wave. But I also need to try and do the whole school kid thing. I need grades. For reals. I need to have my future, I need to do what I want with my life. I need to be a success at something and hopefully that something is my life. I want to write so my parents got me a computer and I write everyday. Probably too much. I would rather stay at home and blog and write and do bad poetry than go out and do something with the family. Not good. Especially when they leave without me and I am home alone and my writing turns morbid and I read old convos and I remember all that bad stuff. Yeah, I don't like that. So that is why I say I may be writing too much. But I have been sorta neglecting my blog lately. Sorta, I don't think I was too bad. I update a lot still. I don't have much to say but I say it anyway. I had so much fun in all my classes today. It was just a right on day. I cant think of one bad thing. And I am on vacation, Christmas is in a few days, I have awesome friends and three dreidels. What more could I ever ask for? Not much, not much at all. You know, except for a fourth dreidel. Next year, I need to buy more presents for people. And pay some one else to wrap the presents for me. I cant wrap for shit, which is why everyone gets the duct and caution tape treatment. Which, though humorous and inventive, is rather unattractive and sloppy. Ha, I say that like I care. I think it is cool, so there it will stay. I am tired now and it is barely 9:00 PM. Drowsiness as a side effect of the Zoloft should stop soon. Or so says the psychiatrist who specializes in that type of crap. But what does she know? Not much I say, not much. I am so saying most of this aloud as I type. You know, cause I am weird and all. And nobody can hear me anyway. You know, until they read this and know what I was saying anyway. But that is that way the cookie crumbles. Unless, you know, it is a crumbless cookie. Then you just have a bunch of ugly cookie on your table. Which, in my humble opinion, is just a tad worse. Time for one more Hanukkah story then off to bed with me. I may stay up with a flashlight and play driedel though. Hehe, I am just such a Jewish rebel.

night,
CMaZ (Rebel with out a yamaka)

Pseudo-Christmas-Eve

Yeah, tomorrow might as well be called that. We all have party's and give and get gifts. Make merriment. All that happy crappy. I get to do... Nothing much at all tomorrow. I need to do my Geo-ethnic History report over this break. I couldn't do it while I was... Incapacitated. My history teacher, Mr. Romero, said I could turn it in after the Non-denominational Winter vacation. Yes, it is actually called that... Technically. Who calls it that, other than me, of course? Nobody, I would imagine. Well... I am in a mood as it is. I am just all melancholy. No reason that I am aware of. By all means I should be happy. I have everything I could ever need and more. I guess I am just... Weird.... Wrong... Stupid... Off...
pathetic is not the word but it is the first one to come to mind.
mom keeps bugging me to learn how to drive. On and on, I never hear the end of how easier everything would be if I could take over some of the stuff mom does and learn to drive. I don't want to drive. I am scared. I don't want to grow up. I don't think I can do it either. And I don't want another way to try and kill myself. Yeah, I am pretty sure I would try. At least once. Just to see if I can do it for real. Man, people who show off their scars should die. Seriously. It bothers me so much. I just want to scream at them that it is not cool, it is not trendy, it is something for yourself. It is your release. You don't flaunt it like some jewelry item. I hate it. I do, very much so. Wearing long sleeves is what you do. ROLLING THEM UP IS NOT. Stupid kids think it is oh so cool. And I don't. I don't at all. I tell a very few select people. Very few. And I tell them because I have to. The five people who know(because I told them and wanted to tell them) are so different yet so smart and important to me. I don't tell them because I want their love or friendship. I tell them because I know they will all tell me something different and I want to hear anything I can to help myself.
Needful is another word that is coming to mind.
I have to learn to drive, I guess. Mom even gave me a mailer card from the mail with a website and such to take a course. I don't want to. I don't want to do this. I don't need any more responsibility. Ever. I have enough. I have enough in my head to deal with. I also don't need to drive. I like my bike, I miss my scooter and I like to walk around. Makes me feel good. I like walking in the rain. Makes me feel even better. Calmer. Nicer. Whole. Balanced.
Normal is not the word but it is the one I think of now.
I want to get tomorrow over with. I want to finish up this Christmas, wrap up all the gifts and get my shit together. I miss that we already did the showcase. It was fun. I did good, I think. People tell me that they could tell it was my voice from up in the sound booth. I had fun, especially second period when we got our shit together. And I felt like part of something. I felt like I belonged. I felt needed and wanted. Because I was important. Kids told me I did a good job, wanted to hang out with me, asked me to go with them places. It was good. It would have been too perfect if it had been raining. Too perfect because I know I would never be living better.

these make me happy. two of the testimonials for me from Friendster.
Clint, 08/09/2003:


you know how the story goes...asian guy meets half white half mexican friend.....the 50/50 boy has two sisters...and one is named "crista"...then this "crista" offers the asian a bowl of rice...i think shes racist and she thinks im going to kill her because she cant read my eyes...but in the end the moral of the story is that "crista" is one of the coolest kats i know...so young so funny...i can only imagine the growth in her humor...or was that in her tumor....either way one things for sure...Shes funny and understands what it takes to make this asian guy laugh or...is it cry...she still cant tell by my little little asian eyes....



Frank, 08/04/2003:


If Crista was a Bite Sized Pretzel, she would be filled with REAL Peanut Butter. Thats just how cool, different, crunchy, yet sweet, strong, yet soft, clever, and alleregic to some people she is. Crista. If you weren't my sister, we'd prolly never know each other, but I would be hella cool with you once you became my adopted step-sister! Oh yeah!

43

God damn it. I never wanted to be like this. I wanted to be okay. I thought they said I would get better. It is harder. I know how good it feels. I know I can be happy for a moment. And a moment is all I am. I cant get out of my fucking cycle. I want to be free from this junk. Everybody talks to me like I can just stop. I don't know how. I hide it too well. Mom threw me some gauze. I used a strip of it to just mop up my arm a bit. I am so tired of being a fucking screw up. I hate being stupid. I hate being ugly. I hate being so full of hate. All I want is love again. I gave it up. I cant understand. I say it so well. In words. I cant speak. Never. It is so hard. When I am alone it is harder to be. To be okay. Keeping a facade for yourself only is never the same. And it hurts to be. I guess this is the normal thing to feel, but I feel alienated and like an outcast. I think of myself as... I don't know. As not there. I just don't feel good about myself. That funny lump in my throat stops me from swallowing. And it burns. Not a lot. But enough. Like my cuts. That sting of blood flowing in to heal the wound. That red color around each cut that signifies increased blood flow. I dunno. I thought my future would be so different. I thought I would be somebody by now. I thought I would be important in the world. My big mark is a online diary. I think that I am nothing in the world. I cant think of my significance. I try and try. But I guess that is what happens when you don't love yourself. Ashley makes it sound easy to love yourself. I want to be better. I want to love myself. She helps me so much. Everybody does. But I don't know why it is so hard for me. I don't know why I cant. I don't know why I am different than most other, I wish I didn't feel like I often do. I wish I could handle everything life threw at me without effort. I wish, I wish, I wish. Well, yeah, I am doing nothing productive to help myself. I am whining to myself on an online journal. I am just being stupid. I am nothing. I should be happy with that. I did do it to myself and all, you know. I mean, nobody did it to me. I am the only one to blame for my own life. I can try and pass my blame to as many people as I want but it does me no good. I think it may just make me feel worse cause I have to take my blame back anyway. Eh, I guess I do kinda like pain. Real pain. Emotional pain. It is a relief to know I can still feel. It is good to feel.

sting, spite, blood, past

ouch. Razor blades make a weird stinging feeling. Dull plastic shards were a lot less painful. Good thing i found a better way to get my pain quota. I had to take an hour or two with plastic pen pieces. A few good swipes with a razor and it is good.

Jesus, I haven't blogging much at all lately. I mean, I used to do about one post every single solitary day. Now? I have a few for the week. And they aren't that long. I guess I have been busy. I had tech for the last few weeks, which, though mucho fun, takes up a lot of my time and makes me really tired. That and this medicine is making me exceptionally drowsy. So I don't have much else to do right now except sleep (which I want to do) or blog (which I know I should do). So, as you can tell, I am blogging. I am actually kinda sorry that I have been neglecting my blog so much. I want to pour out all of my emotion but I am not quite sure how to anymore. Everything has been getting harder for me to do in the last few weeks. My whole life is in sepia. I have that feeling, you know, where everything feels kinda fake and you don't really think your reflection looks like you. Yeah, I have been like that for a few days now. And I didn't feel good before that either, I was just sorta down and out. I have no real reason to be upset. I mean, Mom has been a bit sicker than usual and it is really hard to see her taking so many pills and still feeling like crap. I wish I could make her better. I wish that no doctor would ever look at her blood and declare her sick. I hate that I wish she was better for my sake more than hers. I am so selfish that I think of myself in everything. Who knows. I guess I am just in some sorta melancholy mood right now. I still have that feeling like the whole world is a hazy dream and I am waking up in any second. I have really realistic dreams sometimes and when the whole world feels like this, it is really hard to distinguish dreams from waking life. I know, I know, that is so uber cliche, but it is true for most of us, I think. What has happened in my life(dream) lately? Well, I am almost sure that I don't want to be with Tim anymore. Not totally, but almost. Ashley talked to me about it and let me hear both sides of the coin from her. I still don't know. It is kinda hard to think of what I will have wanted myself to do in the future. The more time I spend away from Tim, the less sure I am about what I want to do. Not much less, but enough to have all of those thoughts of doubt. I have been babysitting everyday of this weekend. Friday night, a little girl, the daughter of one of my Dad's friends, stayed over at my house while her parents went to a dinner party. I made thirty-four dollars that night. The little girl was really sweet too. Her name was Susannah. She ended up falling asleep in my bed. Then, last night, I was babysitting for the Kims because Mr. Kim was out of town and Mrs. Kim wanted to go to some movie with her sister. So I stayed with Melissa and Luke. Luke was uber whiney and such because he stayed up really late the night before and was still tired. So I put him to bed early and helped him get to sleep by doing a relaxation for him. I made twenty-eight dollars last night for that. And tonight I am sitting for the Carson family. I love them. Their son, Ben, is so cute. He told me, the last time I sat for them, that he wants to marry me. I could of just picked him up and taken him home, it was so cute. I never want to have kids of my own. I don't think I could handle it if my kids were losers or little punks. I would have to kick them so so so much. And I would have to kill the little brat it if turned out at all like Annie. Kill her then kill myself. I am not having that may thoughts about suicide lately. Not too many. I was thinking but I haven't done anything like cut or pull or punch. So I think I am in good shape then on that note. I took my contacts out last night and I am too lazy to put them back in yet so I am wearing my broken glasses. My broken glasses with only one arm, and that one arm is defective anyway. I can see, but I can't move my head lest the retarded spectacles fly of my face in a flurry of Ralph Lauren rage. Or something like that. I have to go to the bathroom now. So this ends here. I hope to be back on a regular blogging schedule soon enough.

~CMaZ~

Again... Again... Recycle emotion

I am tired. A lot more tired than I have ever been before. I don't know why but we think it is the spermy medicine. The Zoloft. Well yeah, drowsiness is a side effect. But so is sleeplessness. So who knows. I am with Tim. Together. He wanted me. But I don't know. I like feeling wanted, it is something I don't get so often. David doesn't bother me so much when I know someone wants me. No, I didn't get with Tim because of David. I didn't want David to know but me and Ashley were talking about it and he over heard. Fuck him. He wants to make fun, whatever, he is worse. And Bryan told me that I am way cooler than David. But, back to Tim, I don't think it is going to work. He made me really uncomfortable the other day. I was in a position I didn't want to be in. I told him and he kept on holding me. So I kicked him out of my way. He also wants me to go to him apartment alone. I told him that I didn't like that idea and he tried to make me feel bad for it. Also the fact that Tim lied to my dad about schooling. He told my dad that he goes to Mission when, in fact, he doesn't even go to any school. That bothers me. If he can lie so easily... Well, yeah. And he isn't that smart. Well, not in the way I am. He used to do drugs and drink. And he still sorta drinks. There is so much. I feel bad for only talking about the bad things. I mean, he is a nice guy. He makes me feel nice, sometimes. I just don't like so much of it I don't like. I think I rather like being single more anyway. I don't feel so bad about flirting and joking and rubbing Elis. Man, that is just plain funny. I was feeling Elis' leg up in the library and then he did the same to me. It was hilarious. And then I put my hand in his pocket as well all left the library and he grabbed my ass and squeezed. It was so funny, in that weird way. Mom bought Toasty O's so I can take those to school tomorrow and me and Elis can have our Toasty Bawls. Yeah, we are odd. But we like it this way. Man, I still need to buy gifts for everyone. I haven't bought anything yet. Well, I have a couple of jobs to do this weekend, so I should have some bank for gifts. I have the most awesome idea for what to get ash and Nic. I have no idea what to get heather. I have a feeling but not sure yet. Something good for all. Oh, I get to be narrator for the Advanced Drama Christmas Showcase! Yup, it rocks. I cant wait. I will be up in the booth and I still get lines! I love these people I am meeting. They all rock. I love the friends I have. All of them are so great. I am incredibly lucky to have meet such wonderful people. Ashley, Heather, Nichole, Pieter, Fujii, Bryan, Adrian, Romero, Andre, Elis, you guys are all so awesome. I don't know how I would be without your great influence on who I am. I know I haven't been myself lately and I don't know why either. I have just been off. I hope to be better soon. I am just doing whatever I can to keep my head above water.

Last day of tech... For now

Well, tonight was the last show. I am actually quite glad. It gets a lot of stress off of my chest. And I don't have to be waking up and staying out so early and late respectively. I am a little worried at how Timmy is acting like I am his girlfriend. It bothers me more than just a little. I mean, sure, having a guy like you and all is really fun and it makes me feel good. But he acts like we are together. I guess it is okay with me. I don't want to have to bring it up. I mean, how uncomfortable would that be? Very, that is the answer, very. I went with Heather, Fuji, James and Willie for the tech party. Which was us just having fun and watching a movie at James house. He had the most kick ass entertainment center I have ever seen. But Cassie(the bakery) showed up. All I could think is "WHY IN HELL IS SHE HERE?!?" but she was endured and all went well. We pretty much just ignored her. I know I did. Heather had to leave at 12:00 so I was there with all the boys (and the bakery) for a little over an hour. The Santa Clause 2 is actually a pretty cool movie. I had fun watching it. People are pretty cool. Pieter never told me what he had to tell me. So he can go fuck himself. I don't really care. I know he was just going to tell me something stupid about my self-esteem. How I need to go to god so I can be saved from my violent ways. Uh huh, lets ask me if I care. Well, my vision is a little hazy right now out of exhaustion. Talk to you all later. I am going to get some well deserved sleep. I need it so badly. My eyes are drooping as we speak. Oh well. Good night all of you. You have no idea how much I love you all.

Finally, Krista gets ass. (thank you ash and Steven)

Yah, go me, woot woot, rock the house, fo shizzy. Yeah, I wasn't really cheering when I wrote that. I am happier than I was before at least. I got some major make-out time with Tim. Yes, I know you have never heard of this "Tim" person before. This is because I didn't know of him before. I met him last Saturday at Ashley's. He is a friend of Steven. Tim is muy good-looking. Read; hot. And he knew point blank why were to meet each other. To get it on. But, you know, that didn't happen Saturday. And I found out I kinda like this guy, you know? Steven told me that Tim said he liked me too. So this is good... I think. I like it. You know, I think I do. Well, I know I like the kissing. I know I like how he would not pull away. We just stood there. I ignored anything I could. So did he. It wasn't about what he wanted to go do after this, it was just being close to someone else. I felt special. He brushed hair out of my face and said "You know, you're cute" and that made me happy. I felt nice... Pretty... Cute... Whatever. I liked it. A lot. I think. He still liked me after seeing the pig-sty of my room and being hassled by my dad AND JFK! My dad caught them outside the gate and did the whole surly, protective Mexican father thing. Then, once they( Tim and Steven) get past my dad, JFK answered the door and started in on them because I asked him to ( I didn't know dad was doing the same thing). It was so funny. Tim seems really cool. And smart in a different way. He has a small lisp too. I think it's funny in some weird way. And he is taller than me. That makes me happy. It all did. It was all the one situation I always wanted to be in. Outside, cold, tall guy, sweet (okay, not really) kisses that last a long time. Tech was fun today. I stayed up in the booth area with Ashley. We have too many deck techs anyway. And I worked up there before anyway, so it is all gravy. My sweatshirt smells like boy. Somebody should bottle this scent and sell it. It could make millions. My toe hurts. I ripped off the nail by accident on Wensday morning. Man, it hurts like a mother. And I don't think I have any more money. Aunt Jill wants me to go shopping with her again Sunday. I have to babysit for some friend of my dads and I swear, he had best pay me. I don't care, I am taking care of his kid, I want my pay. Cheap bastards, I get less than minimum wage yet they still try to get around it. I found a toad today while I was walking around the school with Tim. I saw it and was just amazed. I have never seen a toad at our school before. So I chased it down and picked him up. Tim said I should name him Roy but I thought Harold would be cool. We decided on Roy Harold. I let Roy Harold out a few minutes later because I had no idea what I would feed him if I brought him home. And I think Roy was on a mission anyway. So, let him be. Play went well today. Nothing too bad. Curtain call looked like shit. Thank god I am not one of those techies who want to do a curtain call. I feel special. Tim is coming to school tomorrow to see me. Why does this make me happy? Why am I so dependent on the feelings others have for me. I guess I am needy. Just I spread it out over all the wonderful people who, for some reason, love me.