Allow me to sort my thoughts, writing this as if today were still Wednesday

Current Music: The Books - Don't Even Sing About It


I saw Gabe today. It was amazing and I realize just how much I missed that boy.


I saw Akim the day before yesterday. I adore him and I don't think we will ever stop being friends.


I saw Scott the day before the day before yesterday. I'm in crazy amounts of puppy love and am happy to call him my boyfriend now.


I saw Dell and Melanie the day before the day before the day before yesterday. I love the both of them but I'd rather just laugh about that night and forget it.


I saw Rich the day before the day before the day before the day before yesterday. I don't know if I'm going to keep in contact with that boy, as sweet as he is.

call for an answer, nothing in return

Current Music: Idle

i never thought i would see the day that my Avunc would blow me off for a guy.

You watch, you pay!

Current Music: The Books - Enjoy Your Worries, You May Never Have Them Again

That might just be the longest song title I've archived in here. Reminiscent is a good word to describe this song and how i feel right now. It takes me through different stories every time i hear it. It may be why I like The Books so much; their work is so eclectic and amazing and it awakens parts of my memory that bring me to crests of every emotion, turn after turn. Every song feels like a beautiful microcosm of life. It's nonsensical because that is how things are but each little piece, no matter how arbitrary its' placement seems, works to create a bigger picture, a more fitting feeling. Repetition of the word "aleatoric" with different enunciations and single letters spoken over an heavily digitalized music woven with, of all things, roughly played cello, to actually create aleatoric music. It's all i can do to keep from crying out from the roof tops in sheer auditory bliss. The Thought for Food album is so amazingly put together, each song segueing into the other; not a moment to sit and think too long about anything until after the album is done when the whole thing can hit you in the face five minutes later when all the irony, desperation, desire, sadness, elation and sense of community can fully settle in.

okay. . . that went to a weird place. My five year old self (heh, like I talked when I was five) is telling me, "If you love The Books so much. . . WHY DON'T YOU MARRY IT?!?" My only retort? I would if i could.

I'm. . . I'm a little weirded out by Akim today. Yeah, yeah, I read into everything far too much but. . .. Meh. I overuse ellipsis; this is me caring. He got upset, not really upset just perturbed, I suppose, at me for almost everything I did. How I feel, or don't, towards other guys, wearing his robe, laying in bed. It was weird. He was probably having a -ish day though I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong vis-a-vie him and me. I have to admit though, my feelings about things like that always run the gamut of "I must have done something wrong."

Saw Hostel today. I know, I'm always late on these sorts of things. Pop culture is something I am severely lacking in. Can't help it, I'm too much of a nerd. Aww, ferret shuffle. Anyway. . .. Watched it, sat back, watched it again. Wasn't as gruesome as I had been told to expect. And the cute, dorky, white kid had to die. Watching him be intimate was most the reason I put up with the first half. . . twice. He was adorable. Oh, that movie gave me a horrid Jisatsu Sakkuru flashback near the end. Aye, good ol' fashioned Japanese horror. Heh, the other day, Frankie asked me about Ichi the Killer. I was so proud. For once, I'm the more knowledgeable about a subculture. I'm going to gloat for a while.

I keep cleaning my room but it is never clean. Blegh.

Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard

Current Music: The Spill Canvas - Aim Snap Fall

I think i would feel a little less insane if i could just stop FUCKING rocking back and forth.

*rubs temples*

I can't be in this fucking house with these fucking people and their constant questions and asking and the watching and there is no fucking telling when it is going to stop.

I have NO ONE to fucking turn to right now. I have NOTHING to be here for. I'm taking my FUCKING medication. I'm eating fine mom, thank you oh so fucking much. I don't give a shit what i look like, i'm losing weight you should be happy since i won't be such a fat ass much longer.

GOD just leave me the FUCK alone you stupid fucking people. I want some peace and fucking quiet or i want to be talking to people WHO ARE NOT YOU.

I wish i had something or someone or anyone to pull me out of this place and take me somewhere, it doesn't matter where, a place where none of this shit matters. I can let go, have a smoke, ignore the phone and just enjoy being still. I can't sit still in this place. Always something, somewhere, to do. I liked it when things were simple and i could just watch tv at Dells until morning and then fall asleep and it was okay. Or talk to Akim all night, only waking up in the morning when he pulls the cover over my head, whispering for me to be quiet for a minute. There weren't expectations. I was who i was and that was okay.

Now it seems like all anyone wants to do is change me. I should be more confident. I should say what i mean. I should stop lying or telling the truth so much. I shouldn't feel that way. I should do this. I can't change who i am, nor would i want to. Yes, i do things that are bad for me. I spend all my money on other people, i suppress my own feelings to make others more comfortable. I don't know that i could change my faults without altering something fairly important to who i am. I change in little ways, sure. It's called growing up.

Everyone is in constant flux but my "friends" only seem to have problems with these overarching problems. These are people who i accept for all their faults. Hell, i can't even think of them as faults but simply characteristics. I love(d) Morgan and Akim, despite all their faults. Two completely different people but both battling some inner issues that i can't even touch with my issues. To think, both pitied my state of mind. *snerk*.

I fear a little bit for Dell or Rich or more people who i've yet to meet; I'm afraid of them discovering how messed up i am. I know that most people aren't like me when it comes to accepting faults. I'm a bit of an oddity that way.

Dell, most of all, won't be able to handle just letting me be who i am. He will see it as his job to inform me of my issues and them find a way to fix them. I kinda respect the way he can unflinchingly tell people these things. It is audacity in its least self-serving form. Teh huevos, you know?

It comes down to the fact that i do not like anyone telling me to do or not do anything. I make my own decisions.

It'd be nice to have someone to talk to along the way though.

You can't swim in a town this shallow

Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Why You'd Want to Live Here

I have so much hate in my heart right now. Perhaps this isn't the best way to start a new month in my archive but since when have i cared?

I am a spiteful little thing right now. I hate so much it's near impossible to explain. My stomach hurts, I'm seriously in pain with this emotion. So much anger, my body is trying to react and i can't and it internalizes and it hurts like a mother fucker.

There are times where i really wish i could leave and run and get away from all this shit whenever i pleased. I am so stuck and i;m frustrated with my circumstances. I hate so much. I don't know what has happened to me. I used to be such a happy girl. I know i was. I know that the insults and slings and barbed words never bothered me as much as they do now. Even looking back on it seems worse that how it was actually living through it. I don't know why i trusted anyone ever again but i did. Maybe for the better. I don't know. It's so hard to tell with akim sometimes, if he is holding out for a joke down the line or if he is trying to fuck with my head. Sometimes, the things he says seem to have no purpose. Why he would try to continue making me insecure about Melanie and Dell, i will never know. It was pointless to do that. there is so little that makes sense. He tells me he doesn't rank his friends, a friend is a friend is a friend then he tells me that my feelings don't matter compared to dells because he has known dell longer. I just don't. . . Fuck, i don't know. It's confusing and i don't even know if it is worth the effort to sort it out.

I've always had the least function friendships and relationships. I'm just not good with interaction i suppose. Or i've always picked the wrong people or the wrong ways to get to know people. I wish i could try again, across the board. I don't regret anything, it happened like it did but, if i could, i would go back with my knowledge of now and try everything over again. I think i would do better. I think i might be a better person for it. But i can't and i'm not nor will i ever be. I'm just me.

I just want to be more than that.

Oh no! She does what she wants!!

Current Music: Clint Mansell and the Kronos Quartet - Hope Overture

I am coming to the ever so steady realization that there are more than a few people i miss at any given point. Whenever I'm not with her, i miss melanie because i am always thinking about things and i can always tell those things to mel. I love her and i love talking to her or even just sitting with her and being close. She is always there for me and i love the times i'm actually with her.

I miss Heather. Damn. Without my fucking phone i can't even call her or txt her. It fucking sucks. She is bubbly and fun and so bloody adorable. We had some fun times. You know, that really is it. She is fun, in a lighthearted, carefree way. I miss her. Quite a bit actually.

I miss the FUCK out of Gabe. I need to see that kid soon. He's like an older brother to me, the fact that, logically, we should not get along at all but we do and it's great and that bastard needs to get his ass back here and hang out. I need to get my geek on.

I'm told I shouldn't, but i miss that rat bastard, Akim. We used to talk an awful lot. Fuck, we used to talk more when he lived hundreds of miles away. I feel like the closer we are physically, the more he separates from me mentally. In all actuality, he has been boring the fuck out of me. He doesn't go out anymore, we don't get tea, he never calls, IMs, visits. It's all on me. I just like having fun and talking and joking and singing and he just wants to sit at home, play WoW, go out with people from work and get high. It's. . . it's sad to me because i liked him for who he was at every point in time but now his big social activity is getting high. *sigh*. I don't know. I adore the kid but I don't want to keep putting my neck out for him. I miss how things used to be.

I miss Rich a little bit. Not as much as i would if either of us had more free time and hung out more but i miss him enough to really look forward to seeing the charming fuck. Okay, not so charming, more awkward and nervous but it is cute. I wonder if he occasionally thinks about me at the most random ass times, like i do. It's hardly a portion of my day but it happens once or twice, something happens and i wonder what he is up to. I'm a terrible girl, especially for the doll but, since he's willing to put up with me, I'm quite smitten with the guy. I kinda get a smile thinking about him. I guess it isn't so much missing him as thinking fondly about the time we do get to spend. Only a little bit of the tell-tale aching for his company.

I miss Jaime all the time because i never get to see her and, in all honesty, i feel as if we share a part of our hearts sometimes. That is all i can say about it, there is more to how i feel about her than words. I miss her all the time and wish i could share so much more of my life with her. I love her, with my heart and soul and mind.

I EAT BABIES!

Current Music: Daft Punk - Veridis Quo

My nose! It hurts. The left nostril. I don't know why, maybe a bug bite. I had crazy amounts of fun with Gracie last night. We all hung out at Dells except for Melanie which made me sad. Silly sickness. I hope she gets better soon, i love that girl to death and back.

Calvin is setting up an RP and i am all sorts of crazy amounts of excited. I haven't RPed in so long, outside of online RP games. And, if it is during break, that means GABOOON! and i miss him a lot. I've got my d20s all ready, like a real loser. God, getting my geek on will feel so good. I should tell Akim, i know he wanted to join in our last game before we all went different ways. And, since Scott is gone, we could use a fourth. I wonder if Rich plays. . . nah, it would be too much to hope for him to be into my super of most super geeky interests. I don't want to start thinking of a character yet since i don't even know if we are playing a White Wolf game yet. I would assume so, since we have all the books, but you can get pretty much anything free online anyway. Hmmm. . . I hope it is modern Werewolf. That would be fun.

I like pie. When come back, bring pie.

My room is a bloody mess right now. It'll start to bug me tomorrow, i figure. I should probably be getting ready to go. I have been giving clinic at Frankie's work every wednesday for the last few weeks. I like it. It's fun. And the tips kick ass.

A cold thought inbetween silenced heartbeats

Current Music: Daft Punk - Aerodynamic

I am way too awesome. Another day where i feel completely in touch with myself and how i am. Today was, apparently, the big day for everyone to compliment me and make me feel super. . . desirable, cared for, adored, loved, cherished, and good looking. If i were the person i was three or four months ago, i would be viciously jealous of myself. Even better, it isn't all because of a guy or because i'm losing weight. It's because i feel good about me. Weird, eh?

I like me, through and through. There is little i would change, outside my tendency to hate myself.

the past is a light train to unknown trash scapes

Current Music: Ellen Allien - Alles Sehen

*arches back*

I feel amazing. I feel like i could kick the asses of several different things all at once. I can take on everyone and everything without a problem right now because I am awesome.

I kinda want to smack myself upside the head for letting a guy make me feel anything at all, especially about myself but it is hard not to. there is something about the awkward way he acts and the touches and it's just. . . kinda what i wanted with akim. FUCK.

fuck fuck fuckity shit fuck.

I am a horrible, horrible, terrible, disgusting person. Jesus. I can't believe i even thought that. It's not even all that true. It's just something that sprung to mind and i typed it and Jesus tap dancing Christ. . . I'm completely in shock with myself. That isn't how i feel. Yeah, it would have been nice if things had worked out with Akim but he is not Rich and Rich is NOT Akim. Far from. Rich is, for one thing, nice. and sweet. and treats me with this funny thing called respect.

fuck it, i'm getting off that subject because it is making me angry with myself over nothing.

I felt good. He doesn't do all those little, quirky, outdated-yet-endearing etiquette things that i notice but he is simply amazing. That and he is bloody gorgeous. I feel lucky. Very. *sigh* I should sleep. My fucked up sleep schedule is out of whack, even for me.

Don't you feel it now?

Current Music: Fugazi - Life and Limb

I've been feeling pretty good lately. I like feeling. . . well, for lack of better words, liked. Being told I'm beautiful is such an amazing feeling. I've been given cute, hot, adorable, fuckable, nearly everything but just beautiful. This guy is so. . . bashful and cute and awkward and it makes me absolutely adore him. It might get old later but for now it is absolutely amazing. We're going flying and ice skating and all these really ridiculously cute things. i get to see him again tonight and i'm just. . . *le sigh*

I've never felt like the more experienced or self-assured one before. He asks me why i picked him and i can't understand why he doesn't see it. This. . . sense of uniqueness that comes off of him like waves, constant yet waning and inexplicably there. i feel so wanted in his arms. I feel gorgeous.


Not to mention that i look better than i have in ages. I'm losing weight like a fiend and my hair is red again and my chin is all defined and i'm getting these cute little flat abs and i feel so good about myself. It's great. I know i'm looking better and it feels good to have other people looking at me and knowing, for sure, that they aren't thinking "omg, what a fat loser."

i'm super giddy but, that could be the alcohol.

Almost as an after thought

Current Music: The Dresden Dolls - Backstabber


you always struck me as the type to take it lightly

I've noticed that 2006 has been a pretty sparse year in this blog. Though, i can't say i blame myself. I've keep a pretty decent number of blogs going pretty well.

The sky outside my window is intensely pink right now. I mean the kind of pink that can only mean way too many chemicals in the air. Not beautiful, it makes me a little scared. Fuck it, i'll die before it can really start screwing things up. *shrug* Sad but true. Though, in all honestly, not a good reason to be this apathetic. I guess i'm in a destructive mood.

Wanna know a secret? No fucking way. Blogs always tell the one person you didn't want to find out. How useless are you? I'm just another fucked up kids from the 'Burbs, pretending to be more than she is. But, I have a ferret which makes me inherently better than anyone else.

I should sleep soon. I haven't in a long time. More than 28 hours ago. my stomach hurts so much. I hate this medication but i know i need it. I could puke right now if i hadn't when i got in the house three hours ago.

I have this mad crush on a guy right now. Okay. A couple guys. i need to make up my mind. I just don't want to. I like talking and joking and flirting and come-ons and it's all fun for me. if only i had some self control but, if i did, would i really want it?

patron saint of holy sacrifice

Current Music: Alkaline Trio - Fall Victim

i know i don't matter to him. I know it in my mind. Obviously i am not important enough to do anything for. I am easy to get to. I am always in contact and he knows he can get with almost anything against me.

I'm stopping that right the fuck now. I won't swallow lie after lie because i want him to like me. If he doesn't like me when i ask for the respect and kindness i deserve then FUCK it. FUCK IT TO HELL. i deserve a lot but mistreatment and degradation are not part of that group. I deserve to be treated well. I deserve to be treated special. Like someone who matters. Matters more than another random girl on the internet. I've been here. I been around. But these people who don't really know him. . .

i guess it is because she is beautiful. Like any boy, he wants the better of two deals and she is by far the better. Of course, i would be hypocritical if i said this was a bad thing. Just i don't throw one deal away, i try for as much as i can get. Not like i don't have the time for more people in my life. I have to admit though, i am insulted by the way he tries to make me not being mentioned in his journal or in his top friends on MySpace sound like something he did because i was on some moral high ground. "it's something i knew you didn't care about because it is so petty." Of course i care. I care about you. I want a sign, for me and anyone who cares to see could, that i am worth something to you, in your life to your friends.

do i get it?

no.

i don't.

oh god

it's hurting again. please, make it stop

its hurting again

oh god it hurts, it hurts oh god please, make it stop.

i'm sorry

im sorry

im so sorry

sorry
sorry
sor

him

I would die for you
Ive been dying just to feel you by my side
to know that youre mine

I would cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
Im drowning on fear

I will pray for you,
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
someone like you

See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time that Im talkin
You will believe in me
and I will never be ignored

I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
and tear it apart

I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees
until you see
youre just like me

Violate all the love that Im missin
Throw away all the pain that Im livin
You will believe in me
and I can never be ignored

I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal for you
Id do time for you
I will wait for you
Id make room for you
Id sink ships for you,
Take the cross for you
Make me a part of you

Because I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you

I don't want to believe that all of the above is true.

Current Music:Radiohead - Electioneering

There are things I don't like saying in a private forum simply because writing to a specific audience who I pick and choose from feels too much like pandering my emotions. There is more freedom in writing to whomever might come pass. Definitely the anonymity is crowds thing going on. I avoid so many topics in Livejournal because there are so few people who I know on there, meaning that everything I write I tailor for this group. PitsIncluded was probably me at my most sincere, when I would write any and everything regardless of who might see it because when there are more than three thousand page views a day, it becomes ridiculous to care what anyone thinks at all. Sure, in the end, it was all screwed up because of a leak of information, me feeling too comfortable. I miss those days though, where it seemed like I was almost too understood. I had people from school who I didn't even know being all empathic with me. I liked it. I don't regret shutting it down, there are very few things I regret in my life, but I do regret destroying so much of my past.

I become so emotional like this when I clean my room. It must be a mix of procrastination and concurrent emotional cleansing.

sooo, for the regular update on life in a form that I have to do once I've been away for a while:
-Lost my V-card, cybergeeks across the nation cried
-started massage school.
-cut more
-back on anti-depressants
-started taking birth control pills
-quite anti-depressants again
-. . . That might be it

damn, my life is boring.

You will become.

Current Music: Everclear - Misery Whip

Walking wounded with a belly
full of pain
And a big bad attitude

We are shaking shadows for that
perfect dark room
Where we can do just what we
want to do

There is a place...

Where we can leave behind
All those simple minds
They would not like
the way we live

When we are all alone
In this house that we call home
You will become my
misery whip

(yes...I said like a misery whip)

Walking hungry with a pocket
full of promise
And a big black song
in my head

I know the answers to my questions
They are purple black and blue
And they are waiting for me in my bed

There is a place...

Where we can leave behind
All those simple minds
They would not like
they way we live

When we are all alone
In this house that we call home
You will become my
misery whip
(I will say it again...
like a misery whip)

Stop!

I get no pleasure
When I'm going through the motions
Of my mediocre day to day
I'm just an actor
Just like Robert fucking Redford
When I say those stupid words
That they expect me to say

Yes we can leave behind
All those simple minds
They would not like the dirty things we do

Yeah

When we are all alone
In this house that we
call home...
I will fall down like a bitch
for you

I need you to hit me and
make me
Shake
I need you to hurt me and
make me
Beg for more
I need you to bend me and
make me
Break
I need you to make me feel like
I am your whore

I feel complete when
I feel sick inside

I feel complete when
I feel sick inside

I need to feel like
I am real inside

I need to feel like
I am really alive

I need you to make me feel

I need you to hit me and
make me
Shake
I need you to hurt me and
make me
Beg for more
I need you to bend me and
make me
Break
I need you to make me feel

Like we can leave behind
All those simple minds
They would not like
the way we live

When we are all alone
In this house that we call home
You will become my
misery whip

You will become my
misery whip

You will become my friend

I haven't written an update in a while

Current Music:Pedro the Lion - Penetration [Live in Omaha 2004]

So I have this job that i like, i applied there on a whim, and now the place i really wanted to work at has called me back. I've already gotten into the groove of the current shop but i am very seriously considering switching over.

Life has been boring ish. I haven't been hanging out with the guys all that much and will be around even less once class begins. It's sad and it all makes me pretty upset but there really isn't all that much I can do. I hope to meet new people once class starts. I hope for a lot of things just that one happens to be the most likely to happen which, unfortunately, isn't all that likely. It's not like I am, even in the best of situations, all that much of an attractive pesonality.

Meh. Mister fert loves me, I don't know how much more than that I really need. He makes me laugh, he is small and cuddly, he won't ever leave me for someone else or tell me I'm not good enough. ALl i have to do is love him back, feed him and keep him clean, much less than most people would ask in return for all of that.

I probably should be cleaning. My room and my roleplaying folder both need it pretty bad. And laundry should be done since i've just been picking out whatever happens to be kinda clean to wear. I forgot i owned some of the clothes in the bottom of my hamper.

I have a huge amount of arizona green tea in my room, a twelve pack of sixteen ounce bottles. Anyone want to watch Battle Royale and drink tea with me? Neh?

I EAT BABIES!

Current Music: Mindless Self Indulgence - You'll Rebel to Anything (as Long as it is Not Challenging)

Not really, but i bet babies would be tasty.

Hate hate hate, angst, anger, kill, destroy, maim, fear, rage, lashing out, danger, fight, fight, fight.

Not so good place right now. Mother is pushing me and pushing me to see a dermatoligist about these scars on my arms. I really don't want to waste her money because i would put money on me cutting again someday. Hell, I've felt like it plenty of times recently (within the last month at least) and was hardly able to stop myself.

I feel none too abandoned. I have issues with people ignoring, not calling me, not messaging me and all that sort of stuff for more than a few days. If i don't hear from someone, i assume the worst of them and start thinking that they are trying to cut all ties with me. Yes, this fear comes from personal experiences. I've had things fucked up. I've been abandoned in so many ways. It feels weird having my parents care so much when i know that they wanted to get rid of me too, before I was old enough to think that, maybe, it could have been my fault. I couldn't even talk. I hate the thought but there might be something about me that just can't be loved and cared for in the way I really want[need]. It doesn't help that I'm not exactly a blossoming flower of a girl. More like a thorny bush, or and intimidatingly tall fence covered in sticky, poisonous vines.

Schuby, the only person who has known me since my hair was its naturaly color, naturally, called me the other day because his mom, a amazing woman who basically made me feel safe at school (elementary), had died. He said he would call me to go to the wake but i never got a call back. Can't blame him, but i missed it because i didnt want to be bothering him while he was, really fucking busy with that stuff. Sad but i don't know how to feel about it myself. I really just. . . fuck. I don't know how to say it without sounding like a weird gothy weirdo. I just don't. . . I expect it. I guess. That isn't right. It doesn't phase me the way i think it should, the way it seems to phase other people. I have never felt, well, mournful, i guess. It feels wrong, the way these words are coming out. I loved and respected and cared for these people and i felt something at the realization of their passing but i have never been "down" or openly sad or even cried. I've forced myself to cry, when family or friends would watch me, because not doing so is deemed unhealthy. I cry when I think someone i care about is in pain but death is not pain. The act of dying might be painful but death itself is not. Hurt is something of the body and when you remove the firing synapses and nerves of the physical, all that is left is emotional hurt which isn't something to cry over for someone else. That isn't right either. I hate the way i type now. Nothing comes out the way i think it should, the flowing way it comes out of my mind that somehow becomes this strained prose you read. Well, I read pretty much.

I miss being friends with Ian and Philip and Bryan and Elis and Mark and having fun and being goofy and playing and being normal, before i met Akim, before i broke up with Ashley/Heather, before I started hating myself, before I started wishing for the past. I miss that.

Somedays, I don't love you at all.

Current Music: Pedro the Lion - Promise

It's not that today i feel any worse than i have any other day. Really, just yesterday i felt amazing. Tonight i didnt feel any worse, i just felt the need, the want bubbling up in my mind. I know that it is disgusting and that it only makes me more so damaged goods(as if i weren't damaged enough). Sometimes, it is the single thought on my mind. I need it and i cant think without it. Though i can't type while like this, i keep missing keys because my fingers dont move right. He would never like a girl like me, a girl who can't even control herself. I wouldn't want a girl like me, too many issues.

I cut. again. I hadn't for almost a year but here i am. I can tell where i even went out to get a new razor because mine was dull. I'm a little dissapointed in myself and i know that so many people are going to be dissapointed in me as well. I just, i dont care. At this point in my life, no one else can try to help me without me explicitely wanting them to. I can call off the hospital right now, refuse to leave and stay away from doctors and meds and everything, just deal with things my way, no matter how wrong others think it is. God, okay, my head is a little spinny so, i'm off.

Test of my humour

Current Music:Silent Hill sounds

the Wit (76% dark, 26% spontaneous, 26% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais The 3-Variable Funny Test! - it rules - If you're interested, try my latest: The Terrorism Test

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 97% on darkness You scored higher than 4% on spontaneity You scored higher than 20% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Their voices, in harmony

Current Music: Kill the Switch - Circle Takes the Square

I can't stop coughing for more than a few minutes and the effort is rubbing my throat raw and making my ab muscles cramp. I don't even want to use the effort to breathe anymore, it just all seems like such an effort in futility. Nothing is going to come to me, I am never going to be more than the sum of my my parts, which while amounting to a large mass of fat, doesn't bode well for any hope of being more than reconstituted dog food. I am a waste of perfectly good space. I hate the fact that I am still here. I hate this stupid house and my stupid family and my stupid face with my stupid blind eyes that seem to always be brimming over with tears making me feel sad or angry or upset which makes the crying worse. I hate being stupid and negative and useless. Even being upset about it only proves the point that I cant be more than what I am, an impotent child, full of inexpressible rage and more than useless emotion. There is bile in my throat, acid roiling in my stomach, filling in all the spaces from my stomach on the way to my throat.

I deserve less than nothing. No one can find use for me anymore. I'm spent. I'm little more than nothing if only because I exist for now.

Oh, shut up.

Current Music: wind, rain, crickets

I just haven't been online recently. It really is a funny story about why I haven't been online but I just don't feel like going into it yet because I'd make it sound all whine-like and you would hate me and I don't want that.

I don't even know who I am talking to about this. Sometimes I hate that I give up so much, voluntarily at that, each time another girl rips out my heart and leaves me behind for her boyfriend. I hate best friends. It's an awful institution. From now on I vow to be an awful friend.

No, I don't. I can't. I listen and am supportive and understanding. Yeah. . . Awful faults, I know.

ferret

Current Music: nothing

I've been ignoring my computer a lot lately. Mostly I've been out a lot with a couple new people. Trying, oh so hard, to just ignore the fact that I have lost another friend. Of course, this wouldn't happen so often if, like all the boys keep telling, i didn't befriend such crazy young women. My ears are still giving me trouble but i should be past that by the end of next week, thank god.

CyClick

Current Music:nothing


Crying makes me helpless
a little girl of me
asking for something
more than just being
pointless and wasted
emotions are spent
on nothing worth mentioning
such as friendships best
actors, making her care
for nothing that matters
is what she repeats
in her mind worth saying
that she won't lose again
being out of the race
without a goodbye
she makes her escape
to nothing, sweet death.

They said you called me, maybe yesterday

Current Music: Psy Craft - Dirtbag (remix)

its a little bit hard to understand
but i only wanna be a modern man
on the wire, it couldnt be nicer
just thinking about the one that got away
nobody make wanna give me heart away
you could make your mind up, it could take your time up

it seems youve mistaken me for someone who cares
im just a dirt bag under the weather and overrated

living underground, taking it to the scene
making money, not knowing what it means
im a liar, set shit on fire
take your time talking down to all your friends
living with the little dogs and elephants
its hard to find it but i dont mind it

hitching a ride with the bugs and the flies and im on my own
hitching a ride with the bugs and the flies and im on my own
hitching a ride with the bugs and the flies and im on my own

Fake frowns in the passenger seat

Current Music:The Books - A Little Longing Goes Away

I am so sick of things right now.

I just got finished telling the few people I care at all about how important to me they are and that I'm sorry to them about being the stupid, irrational thing I am and now I find myself wanting to get away from all but two of them. One of whom I barely see once a week and the other who doesn't even know what sort of crisis I went through.

I'm so bloody alone and I wish I knew why I end up like this. I wish I knew a way of making myself stop wanting people at all. I am becoming violently irritated with my best friend and I don't know why. It shouldn't be bothering me, I act much worse than that sometimes, but. . . fuck, I don't know. It feels like I cant say the right thing to anyone anymore. Everything I say ends up so. . . I don't know, wrong, stupid, flat, boring, unnoteworthy.

I'm becoming a nothing again and I really don't like it. I can usually understand why some people might like me. Most the time I'm kinda witty and a pretty reliable person. Like this I just don't feel like talking and I don't want to see anyone.

I hate having to put up with any and everything when I'm like this. I hate having everything I say feel awkward and stupid. I hate having nothing to say at all. I hate how even when I do say something, it is not worthy of reply at all.

I'm just another stupid girl, looking for another stupid thing to keep my stupid mind occupied. I am not intelligent, I am not special, I am not worth it. And being told otherwise is so aggravating because it means nothing to say something like that to someone. According to anybody, everyone is going to be somehow smart or special. Being grouped with that sort of person makes me angry. But I will just have to get used to it.

And I know you're dreaming of your future

Current Music: Elseworth - For My Next Trick I Will Set Myself on Fire

I.am.bored.with.life. There is nothing left for me. I have no desire to do anything or, even, everything. I'm sick of this living habit I picked up. A junkie for new experiences. Call it withdraw from that but I don't want to be alive anymore.

I don't care about the things I thought I wanted to do before I died, I really don't anymore. Disappointment follows my steps, dogging each thing I wished for.

I feel like my head is too full to accept even one more thought and then something else happens and I have to deal and on and on and on. I try to explain this feeling but I'm so alone with it. I feel like such a burden on the people who still call me friend as it is, I don't know how I keep justifying holding these wonderful people down.

Morbid as it might be, I kinda wish there was such a thing as the Battle Royale. I know that the Program is the "evil" acting in the story, but I think that I could benefit from the game right now. Even if I died. I know, my state of mind, or anyone's for that matter, is worth the lives of 41 children and the sanity of the 42nd. With so little focus, it is hard to keep in mind what really matters.

I doubt I would have the time to be so down about everything if I wasn't so well off. It's selfish and stupid and petty for me to always be feeling this way. I just can't shake these feelings though. It's . . . It's really crap. I'm crap. I'm an awful person and I don't know how to fix it without faking everything about who I am.

The cold air will brush your hard heart away

Current Music: Alkaline Trio - We've Had Enough

Christ on a cracker, I NEVER, in a million years, would have guessed I would run into her again. Erin was such a brief friendship. Her mom though. . . Jesus. Okay, back when I was friends with Erin, I hung out at her house occasionally, not too often because her family was one of the few with more problems than mine. Her mom was a very large woman. Sweet, always kind to me (I think cause I am fat and was about as fucked in the head as her) and a little short-tempered but I great lady. She was working at Target today. I did not recognize her at all. I kinda had that feeling like "dude, I totally know this person" but the face just isn't clicking with a name. And when she first said "Erin" I thought she meant "Aaron" and I figured she thought I was Annie since she mentioned that I looked taller (fucking genes, I have no clue when I'm going to stop getting taller, I'm fucking 18 for christsakes). It clicks and I'm thinking, Holy shit, she must have lost more than 150 pounds and gotten hold of some SERIOUS happy pills. This woman look great, beautiful really, she had shrunk into her small frame. Honestly, it felt really good to see that she was doing well and the hear that Erin and her were getting along finally. Now Erin is on meds too, like me and her mom. Yeah, dysfunction just isn't so special when it is really all you've ever known.

Time has accelerated and I've done nothing to mark its passage

Current Music: The Juliana Theory - This is Your Life

Oh yes. . . Oh god yes. Just back home from Borders. Basically, my mother is trying to buy her way back into my good graces. . . Again. I swear, I keep ending up with friends who are like my mother, but they are still good people. Just. . . hard to agree with. For whatever reason.

ANYWAY, bought some good stuffs that I've wanted for a while. The next Deathnote (danke Gaboon) manga, number four, was begging to be purchased. So was the untranslated number five but even I have limits. And a book in a language I can't read is just barely over the line. But I wanted it anyway. The Ghost in the Shell comic that I have wanted since ages ago. I know, I know it is just tits and ass but it is really well rendered and colored tits and ass. Bought Freakonomics for Frankie, which he will leave in the bathroom and I will finish reading before him. He knows this but. . . Oh well. I've been re-reading House of Leaves since. . . Well, there is never really a way to understand this book. The guy took ten years to write it and it really shows. I get to the parts where Navidson will be frantic and running and the pages will only have 5-20 words and I'm flipping, frantically, to find out what happens. It is. . . Very very well done.

I got a lip balm, finally, that I can actually stand. No color in it, not shiny or glittery or some other crazy shit that I do not need on my face. Just a nicely flavored balm. Got it in this Jones Soda valentines gift someone gave me. Came with two bottles of Love Potion #6, the lip balm of the same flavor and a CD of artists I don't really care about. Romantic music. . . Never really been my style.

Oh fuck, that completely reminded me of bloody The Juliana Theory. Bastards just broke up. Way too bloody sad. I read about it, of all places, on their MySpace. They were one of the few bands I listened to that were still together, me and my super emotionally charged emo bands. Those guys never last.

uhm. . . Nothing else right now. Akim, sexiness is not spelled with a 'y'. I would have thought you would know that.

When victims at yon altar's foot we lay?

Current Music: Copeland - When Finally Set Free


Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Krista weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

Anything not needed anytime. . . soon, i guess. It can wait. Too much stress right now. I just want to deal with it anymore.

Scarcely containing other things there. . . anger, shame, pain, so on so forth

Actually, keeping in my. . . emotions, loneliness, needing, so on so forth

House of Leaves makes me kinda want to hide messages in some of my sentences.
I will never find out everything in this book.

I hope you can save me

Current Music: Funeral for a Friend - Bend Your Arms to Look Like Wings

This whole driving my sister places and picking her up is kinda annoying. Whatever. I just really dislike her bloody friends. All of them. Except Valtiera. She is cool.

Today is Valentines Day and I'm going to be running errands all day for mom. Super romantic, I know.

The worse part is that I know what it is like to be loved and I gave it up for this.

Kneeling to the northern lights

Current Music: Hole - Boys on the Radio

Okay. . . I have finally finished putting in my webcomic links. Next up, a list of random but fun sites I visit.

amazingly tired.

goodnight

I ask and you smile

Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - We Looked Like Giants

Wicked awesome game of vampire on Saturday. On my way home Annie called, needing a ride from some Denny's way out on the other side of town. Picked her up and, of course, she assumed I wanted to drop off her friend as well. Blegh. Whatever. Her friend wears WAY too much cheap perfume and she stinks up everything. I kinda want to smack the two of them and tell them to stop worrying about boys and relationships and just deal with school, you're stupid enough as it is. But, whatever. Fucking breeders.

I read a pretty good fanfic for Battle Royale about Mitsuko and Kiriyama. Too bad it would never have happened with the characters the way they are but, whatever. It's always cool to read about two really hot kids getting it on then killing their classmates. You know. For me, I guess.

Seriously, this old layout constantly reminds me off all the stuff that happened back with Ashley. I was practically posting everyday and yeah. Lots of bad stuff. But I like the colors enough to bring it back and I get free photo hosting from blogspot for the graphics on this layout. Lots of love to the blogger/google amigos.

I'm constantly worried about Anna this last weekend. I swear. My brother tells me that once she understands what I am standing up for, not standing against, she will apologize. He also tells me that if I go begging for her to be my friend again, he won't talk to me for months. Akim, oddly enough, said essentially the same thing. Gabe, I think, just really, really, wants everyone to get along so we can all play Vampire and Orpheus. You have to respect the single mindedness. I just hope things don't go badly with Anna and her boyfriend. I mean, I have the worst feeling that it will, though I could never tell her because then I would be victim to "religious fanaticism" but, whatever. I just don't want to see her hurt, which is funny since she says she is more immune to that sort of pain than I am. If she is though, it might explain why she hurts me so often without noticing. Godspeed and may things work out well, despite my ill sense of foreboding.

And, since I am kinda a huge loser, dice_pool is our livejounal community for our chronicles. I'm currently working on re-telling our quests in order. I thought, you know, when I started that I would be able to do a whole night in a post. Then I realized that I was barely finishing the first quest and I had typed two pages of solid text without breaks. I don't know if anyone really cares to read that sort of thing, but it is there. The community is moderated but anybody can view our entries.

You're Losing Your Saviour and Saint

Current Music: The Cardigans - My Favourite Game

Yeah, I've changed things again. Patterns here, anyone?


So. . . Things? You know. Uhm, they are going to hell. It's. . . I don't like being told I have to change. I don't like being told anything really, but being forced to change what I am is something that rubs me such the wrong way that I can't speak. Being lied about. . . That angers me too. I feel like having my morals makes things harder on me. I don't tell other people to change, I try very hard to make sure that if I believe some one is doing something wrong, I let them make their own mistakes. I'm not, for anyone, going to change my morals, what I believe to be right and wrong, to validate someone else. Sure, it might make the other person feel better about themselves but, where would it leave me? Without a real friend who can agree to disagree, without a moral ground to stand on and without a firm belief in anything. I never forced anyone to talk to me about what they wanted to do with life, even if I, personally, couldn't respect their decisions or actions.

Sometimes, it feels like two, or three, people are pulling on me at once, each trying to change me, make me believe something I can't justify, say something I don't believe or do something I think is wrong to do. After high school, I though peer pressure would die down, but it only got many times worse. The worse feeling ever is being caught with people I deeply care about and having to walk (or run) away from them because they want me to believe something I know is wrong. It is almost, very close to, being pressured to do drugs. To loosen my personal sense of right and wrong, make exceptions to rules of human conduct because it feels good. I know things won't end well but it is not my place to say anything to anyone. Hell, it wasn't my place to know. I asked and asked and I was eventually told. My fault for asking, NOT my fault for finding out. It's. . . She must have wanted to tell me because now she says I have to change my sense of right and wrong so she can tell me more about it. If it was so awful to keep it from me then the argument that it was my fault finding out is void. But, I'm sure there is some rationalization. There always is a rationalization for anything. I rationalize plenty away myself. I won't say what here because it is truly a pitiful thing to have to lie to oneself to feel right about living life.

The lying. All the deceit. It's disgusting. And I just want to live my own life, abiding by my own, slightly skewed, moral sense. I judge other people but I don't pass judgment, a very big difference that has been very confused in recent discussions. I do what I find right and wrong and I trust people around me to do the same. Of COURSE I will look at others through my own personal experience, it is all I have to color my view of life. But. . . Hell, I don't know, maybe it all makes me some stupid American.

You could be the one I'll always love

Current Music: Muse - Unintended

It seems that, whenever I feel at my worst and I just want to curl up in my bed and ignore life (sometimes, like today, while I am in the process of doing just that), Jaime calls me. Of course, being in that state means I really don't want to be cheered up and I tend to ignore the call until I can actually talk to her like a normal human being without sobbing like I really really want to. I've been having weird dreams lately. Not nightmares, thank god, but dreams that make me contemplate what I want from anything. Why am I bothering with the things I do. Is anything really worth me spending any attention on? I don't particularly dislike these dreams, I just don't like them like I do my dreams of the Other Place. I write about here as the Other Place sometimes in those dreams. I wish, sometimes that was real. Other times I wish this was real. Confusion. Wonder. You know how it is.

I kinda am in a state of stressed the fuck out. I just don't want to have to talk to people but I need to get some of my thoughts out of my head and out there. But, of course, saying or writing what I really think means confrontation which means more stress which means more writing and more yelling and more of me alone and crying alone and wishing that my head and my thoughts weren't like this. Like if I don't get things out I am going to explode into so many pieces. But, everyone seems to just want to pick apart at whatever is sorta kinda about them and hate me for it. Because, my thoughts aren't important unless they offend you.

Still sitting pretty

Current Music: Cosmic Dare (Pretty with a Pistol) - Yoko Kanno|Seatbelts

boring blah and merde day. Gardened for a while, loosened the impacted roots of two of our ferns and mixed some fertilizer and vermiculite in the soils. Took Tweaky outside while I was working and that little bastard just sat on the trees and screamed at me for attention. That bird will drive me insane.

Week two of classes is done. I've managed to keep up with all my work no problem and in February I get to add in my Java programming class. Finally, I get to take a full schedule.

My little sister? Oh dear Jesus is she stupid. I don't know why anyone bothers to tell her anything. Warning her is so stupid because she only seems to want to rebel to any and everything. It's so. . . Typical. I guess I expected that someone related to me would be able to avoid mistakes like that, rather than having to learn them firsthand.

I'm starting to actually feel content with my literary activity. I have a nice assortment of books I'm reading, want to read and have on my shelf to read. I don't think I've left a genre untouched. Of course, I say anything and there are people I know who have so many books and will, it seems, try to make me feel infantile about my interests. I can't win everything, I suppose.

I'm still kinda out of a job. I figure after I do this court thing I can apply for the school bookstore. It would be insanely convenient to be working in the same building as the newsroom.

I'm starting to develop a loathing to AIM. It's. . . Well, it's hard to establish sarcasm over that mode of conversation. I had a weird dream where I told Scott off for the. . . Way he handled things. Well, thing. I was strangely gratifying and sad at the same time. I don't get over things like that easily. Mostly because I tend to invest a lot of emotion into the people I know. Awful, bad idea yet something I still do.

Musically, I've been way too boring. NIN and old cowboy bebop albums. Nothing new or interesting. It almost evens out with all the new authors I've been reading but not quite.

Routine, routines. I need to get into more routines to get myself out of this rut. Illogical but true.

whatever and ever, Amen,
Krista

Oops

Current Music: Somewhat Damaged - Nine Inch Heels. . Er, Nails.

Didn't wake up till 6 O'clock. . . This evening. Crazy amounts of apathy today, which isn't surprising considering how my mood has been all over the fucking place. Kinda wondering when it would hit I-don't-fucking-care. At least now I don't have to worry about that happening while I'm at school. Bill gets all worriedtastic when I get "sad" which is actually kinda weird for a teacher to do. Whatever.

SO, Omer is kinda guessing I don't want to play in the WoD anymore because of Scott. He would be about. . . neee, 83% right. Avoiding problems is something of a specialty of mine. Akim made a picture post of his friends on LJ. I think this is actually the first time he included me as a friend. Little bits of flattered. Someone outside it blowing up firecrackers and I am about to go postal on some Chinese New Year ass. Any excuse really, for unnecessary violence. People, by now, should know not to annoy me.

So, the argument over Sean; good guy or slimeball continue. I think, at this point, I'm the only one on the good guy side. Sure, sure, anyone can assume the worst and be well rewarded for it, but I try, pretty god damned hard at that, to forgive people, to grant the benefit of a doubt. I like to assume people can be good which is why I tend to get the worst of people after me like a haunting. It's probably stupid of me to always think people will try not to hurt me and I know the people who are closest to me would advise me not to. Though, I have to admit, I would talk to half the people I know anymore if I didn't forgive them more than they would have wanted me to forgive someone else.

Perspective is a funny thing.

Confirm Nothing

Current Music: Alles Sehen - Ellen Allien

Tweaked the date and time for this to be Thursday because it is two AM on Friday morning and it just doesn't feel like it should be Friday yet. So bloody hell with that.

I am so not in the mood to be doing anything with my life right now. I'm just moving through and making the motions. I don't want to laugh or talk or smile and I keep doing these things now because if I don't then it will be obvious I don't want to. I don't want to see anyone. Hell, seeing anyone is giving me a feeling of inadequacy. I feel awful as soon as I get to school. I spend my entire morning telling myself, making myself believe that things will get better and each morning I start to believe myself until I am reminded that no one at that damn school really cares about me in more than a short passing manner. No one seems concerned with me. Not that, you know, they ever did unless it was something that would make for interesting drama or that would lead to me moving out. Even the concern for my living arrangements was so someone could have free reign of a place outside the view of their parents. Honestly, if I did have my own place, I would want anyone having sex in it, drinking or getting high., Respect. It's a funny thing.

Or, maybe I'm just being a prude. I really wouldn't know, would I? Whatever. I'm just sick of feeling useless and unwanted.

Triage Time

Current Music: Pretty Pink Ribbon - Cake

Finished paste-up night down at the paper. Always sorta fun. Sean, of all people, offered me a ride home. That was. . . Unexpected to say the least. Before we left Anna pulled me aside to make sure he didn't work his "manly charms" on me. Because, everyone knows a depressed rebound girl is hot. Poor guy, it seems so much like he just wants people on the paper to accept him.

Bill was being really weird about the making fun of Jessica thing. He defends he a lot, which is kinda weird. Whatever though. I don't particularly care for Jessica but bashing on her isn't a required part of my day. Just heavily recommended.

Wrote a pretty good column for the paper on the last minute. I'm not too ashamed of it. I'm keeping myself a serial column called Ferreting Around. Has a nice little picture of me on top and everything. I kinda ranted about how much I hate my age group in this one. I'm just an angry person, I suppose.

I'm wearing my hobo gloves right now, which are awesome and warm. But, I'm not cold and it's kinda hard to type wearing them. Better. Seriously, those things impair fine motor movement worse than some types of codeine/aspirin I've been on.

My week has not picked up at all. You think after so much utter crap I would get some sort of karmonic reward for not killing myself. Nope. Just everyday monotony which may, or may not, be even worse than a bad day. I can't say anything explicitly bad happened today and but nothing even close to goodly came up.

Just crap. Utter shit and merde.

Blegh. I am becoming more and more cynical and bitter everyday.

The best is yet to come undone

Current Music: Dummy Discards a Heart - Deerhoof

Krista fails at life. I don't even want to bother with suicide. Last time I almost died and I still remember how much that fucked up the home. I just can't decided what I want to do with my life now that I am fairly certain I will never be of use to anyone. I could become a telemarketer. At least that way I would know for sure that everyone hates me, instead of all this maybe, maybe not crap. I'm in that state of mine where anything positive anyone says about me makes me think they must be lying to take advantage of me some way. Really, right about now the only people I trust are the ones who openly want to use me. Which. . . might explain my affinity for bad romantic associations. *shrug*

I'm starting to hate, more and more, the people who focus in on one thing I say to criticize, without mentioning, once, the things I say that actually mean more to me. I write what I write to help the people I know, since a lot of them complain about what a close book I am in person. Jaime mentioned to me the other day how she couldn't read my eyes, though I always looked sad. Her mom apparently mentioned how touched she was by me while I was visiting. I have that affect on adults who look at my hair and then my clothes and write me off as a rebellious ass. Secretly, I am a 48 year old women reliving her youth.

I wish, because then, at least, I would be over this insecure stage and actually have a firm sense of identity about who I am in relation to my world. I want to kinda, I don't, shake things up, in the hopes that they settle down in a shape I can actually understand. I'm lost without a guide. I want to understand myself more, I wish I knew what I really wanted to be. I wish I knew who I am. I cant understand half my thoughts because they come out in such a way that I can barely understand the flow as coherent words rather than a primal roar of desire and hopes and anger and sadness. Mostly desire to be rid of the rest. When I don't talk to other people they assume so many things, none of them right. Sometimes, the only way to say anything at all is to be silent with more weight than words alone could weigh.

I've been reliving the worst four moments of the last month over and over again in my head. I see myself recoiling from Ferts cage, over and over again, sometimes falling into my fetal position, sometimes screaming and crying, sometimes picking him up to discover he was just seizuring and sometimes just running away in tears. I see myself consoling my mom as she looks for work, already nauseous from her afternoon medications, sometimes looking for work myself, sometimes kicking her computer in, sometimes promising I would find a way to keep her from having to go back to work. I see myself finding Omelas. . . over and over. I see myself when Scott talks to me, sometimes telling him to shut up so I can talk in private, sometimes telling him to get his fucking arm off of me before I bite it in half, sometimes I actually just stand there and cry, like I wanted to all along. At times, I can really remember what actually did happen until I stop and think about it.

All I want is a little peace and quiet from my own mind.

i should have given you a reason to stay

Current Music: Echo & the Bunnymen - The Killing Moon

worst mood imaginable. Things from life are going downhill, faster and faster. Seems personal tragedy follows the snowball effect. Seems like every last thing I love, want, or care for will be causing me pain. At this rate, my second grade teacher will be giving me a call tomorrow to let me know she didn't really think I was a smart cookie at all and, in fact, she thought I was the dumbest crumb she had ever seen.

I have my dead rat sitting on my desk, wrapped in a burial shroud for tomorrow. Taking him up to the hills for a burial. It was my dads' idea and I just happen to really like it. I kinda hate the state of mind I am in right now. It feels as if nothing is going my way at all and I just sorta want to sit in my room, in the dark, with my razors and contemplate what it means to be alive. Which, really, isn't all that much to think about. I want to forget that I am pathetic. I want to feel important and cared about. But it seems like the more I withdraw from everyone around, the more smoothly things run. I know that none of my friends really need me. I'm worse than useless in our group. I'm the squat ugly one who makes things uncomfortable with her problems. Beautiful people can have problems because they at least contribute by being goodlooking. Someone like me with problems is just useless because then you have temporary focus on someone like me. I'm such a waste of time and space. I don't want to do anything at all anymore. I don't want to play Vampire, I don't want to go to school and I really don't want to have to deal with my problems right now. All I want is to get back to my quiet time when no one would pretend to care about me before changing subject , when I didn't have any friends but, at least, I knew I wasn't cared for, instead of always having to wonder when the ball will be dropping on my head and I will no longer be welcome.

Another diet fed by crippling defeat

Current Music: Death of an Interior Decorator - Deathcab for Cutie

If you visited yesterday, you already noticed I, uh, sorta changed things around a little more than I usually do. Being home 95% of the day does this to me. Too much time to think about myself and the like. I've been too disappointed in myself lately. Also, I'm a little perturbed at how people, okay, a person, will claim to want to know what I'm thinking. I don't do well telling people things because I become very emotional and anything I want to say gets lost in all the rubbish that comes out of my mouth. People act like they really want to know what is going on in this little twisted mind of mine but, really, all they want is to see what I have to say about them, personally. It comes to a point that I have to weed out words I type, essentially censor my thoughts, so that no one is offended. My blogs are for me. Anyone who reads is simply observing. I like my friends to know it is there to read because I know that, sometimes, I can be confusing since I cannot take direct confrontation. I hate talking to people. I'm awful at it. I'm awkward and weird and I never get a chance to say what I mean at all. And the stupidest shit comes out too, things that even I would refute if I heard someone say it. But, hey, that's me, a bundle of contradictions and a heaping helping of baggage.

God, I hate myself sometimes. Doesn't stop me from staying alive though, no matter how often the thought flits through my mind.

-waiting for something to go wrong

Information travels faster in this modern age

Imagine one day talking about how much you would like to go to CS Hayward. You talk about it with everyone but anyone who would have any say in you going to said Cal State.

A day or too later, you get a totally random letter in the mail. It's a rejection letter from CS Hayward. While you are an exceptional student, you just cannot be admitted.

I just had the romantic equivlant and, yes, it does feel similar. My ulcer just flared up a few minutes ago while i was on the phone with Jamie. It's really, really not healthy for me to feel so stressed without taking my damned pills.

I think the reasons this rejection is making me feel even worse than I normally would are 1) I didn't even ask him out and i was pre-emptively rejected, 2) he said numerous times how awesome i am, leading me to believe he said no early because I am hideously unattractive, 3) I was so shocked, i pretended I had no clue what he was talking about and, as such, i'm just embarrassing myself because he KNOWS already, 4) my friends all talked down about him and said he was hardly worth my emotion which really only makes the rejection that much more pathetic and, further pointing out that the rejection was probably because he found me extremely ugly and 5) because he kept touching me while doing it. . . and it only made me more sad to have to smell him and be told that, yes, he really is not interested.

Then, the "pep-up" talk, i guess. Where my emotions were belittled, because we all know that i don't really feel, i just make things up to be pathetic and i was compared to a man for the only fault i've ever heard uttered about him from anyone but me. Oh, and, apparently, i am abusive to my friends and the meltdowns of all my previous friendships were my fault and am doomed to repeat my mistake for the rest of my life, leaving me alone and afraid and unloved for at least until I can pick up 18 year old dudes who want me to buy them beer. I need drinks, or shisha. Lots of either and soon. My vices keep me alive by sheer force of addiction.
Current playlist:
Interpol - Untitled
DCFC - Transatlanticism
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
The Cure - Lovesong
Beck - Lost Cause
DCFC - You Will Be Loved
Blur - Out of Time
Nirvana - Something in the Way
Nada Surf - Inside of Love
Broken Social Scene - Lover's Spit

Says a lot about how I am right now. Which, is crushed, berated, small, pathetic and tearful. Just waiting for something to go wrong. I hate myself so very, very much right now.

el resolution

so far all my new years promises have been turning out well. Been keeping my food journal and doing the whole jogging thing at least twice a week. I figure, if about three quarters of mt insecurity comes from body issues, then at least doing something to solve the problem will make me feel better. And. . . i kinda like waking up and jogging before i shower. It just feels good.

the one thing i hate is drinking water. I hate water. It tastes like nothing and leaves a steely feel behind. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Blegh. i would much rather have a little mini 7up but damned if i'm wasting 100 calories on that.