Current Music:The Books - A Little Longing Goes Away
I am so sick of things right now.
I just got finished telling the few people I care at all about how important to me they are and that I'm sorry to them about being the stupid, irrational thing I am and now I find myself wanting to get away from all but two of them. One of whom I barely see once a week and the other who doesn't even know what sort of crisis I went through.
I'm so bloody alone and I wish I knew why I end up like this. I wish I knew a way of making myself stop wanting people at all. I am becoming violently irritated with my best friend and I don't know why. It shouldn't be bothering me, I act much worse than that sometimes, but. . . fuck, I don't know. It feels like I cant say the right thing to anyone anymore. Everything I say ends up so. . . I don't know, wrong, stupid, flat, boring, unnoteworthy.
I'm becoming a nothing again and I really don't like it. I can usually understand why some people might like me. Most the time I'm kinda witty and a pretty reliable person. Like this I just don't feel like talking and I don't want to see anyone.
I hate having to put up with any and everything when I'm like this. I hate having everything I say feel awkward and stupid. I hate having nothing to say at all. I hate how even when I do say something, it is not worthy of reply at all.
I'm just another stupid girl, looking for another stupid thing to keep my stupid mind occupied. I am not intelligent, I am not special, I am not worth it. And being told otherwise is so aggravating because it means nothing to say something like that to someone. According to anybody, everyone is going to be somehow smart or special. Being grouped with that sort of person makes me angry. But I will just have to get used to it.
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