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Current Music: Cream - White Room

Today was beautiful. Sitting out in the park at lunch with my co-workers, playing frisbee and kubb. I drank beers in the sunshine and laughed nigh constantly. Spring in Madison is really special, either through its own merit or because it's such a relief from the snow.

I didn't even worry about my barking laugh or looking like an idiot chasing down a frisbee. One of the quietest developers in my office gave me a high five.

My cheeks are burning from smiling.

It's not the close, lifelong, deep friendships I've been accustomed to. It's new, fresh and exciting. Shallow as well. Not that there's anything wrong with any of those things. Everything is very different for me out here and I'm adjusting. I enjoy so much of what's happening but. . .

It's impossible to not draw comparisons between what now feels like two very different lives. I'm not even used to living alone and that fact startles me on its own.

No Title

Current Music: nothing

I felt lips against my shoulder, pressed tight and exactly the same temperature as my sun browned arms. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of smoothness. Without looking, said to myself "I don't need their love, I love myself" then straightened my neck, held my head high and returned mentally to my pleasant evening alone.

I should be truthful.

This is a sneaky blogpost; I'm at work and I'm trying to be discreet because I actually have a lot to do today. 

I feel that I should amend a small piece of my story for my own future face palming. 

I have texted APF. At first because I didn't want to spend thirty dollars more than I didn't want to talk to him. Then just because he was a good person who I had a good time with. The first didn't work out, had to get the damn cab, but since then it has been a really shitty, controlled, careful conversation. 

Melanie accidentally reminded me of him and that's sorta what got me started. Not saying I didn't hurt before or even that it doesn't sting a little bit even now. Despite that, I liked him for a reason and, more than just romantically, I enjoyed his presence in my life. 

It's a lot more stilted now. I know I'm an intense person and he did let me know that it bothered him (not recently, when we broke things off). I can't be as. . . crazy as i normally am anymore. Truthfully, I'm really only full crazy for a few people anyway and it was really soon to be putting that all out there for a newbie. In a way, it felt good to stretch out and relax with a person. But it also feels good knowing I didn't  burn that bridge, that I don't have to avoid him (not that hard anyway; we live on separate sides of town) and I can share a laugh now and then with a fellow weirdo. 

You've never disappointed me

Current Music: C'mon - Letters to Cleo

Fuck.

I'm okay.

Really. It's not bad.

I went home for a little while. I saw my family and it wasn't so bad. It was okay.

I'm so worried. I'm so fucking worried and I have Melanie to talk to but I can't put all my thoughts on her. The thought of losing my brother is terrifying. I clench thinking and remembering what he was like.

If I lose another brother, I'm going to break. Hard. I need him to get his shit together and clean the fuck up. I need it. I fucking need it so fucking much.

Family exists to rip you apart inside. I'm okay. He's still here. Kinda. He looked horrible when I saw him and it scared me. As much as I know that I couldn't spend my life with Pat, I miss having him to just fall asleep next to, being able to cry and be comforted. I miss his devotion and the promises. I am happy for him and his growth. He was amazing and not right for me and I did the right thing. I'm a selfish person, I know, for even considering dumping all this on a person.

This isn't a shared sorrow thing. This is me wanting to dump my problems on someone else.

If it wasn't for pencils, paper and blogs, I'd be a horrible human. lol, jk, I'm a horrible person anyway.

This is exactly what Charlotte tried to warn me about. That I would be out here with no one to trust. Not when trust comes so sparingly. I've been lucky in life to meet so many amazing people who love me deeply and care for me. Then I left them all 2000 miles away? Jesus fuck, what is wrong with me?

I don't need them. I'm okay. Really. I don't need anyone and I'm good with that. I want to be back with my friends but not enough to give up myself. I've had so much time to think and explore my own thoughts. Learning myself has been an interesting experience. There has been so much change that I didn't even realize had happened. Eleven years ago I had the chance to deeply examine myself and I let so many bad things happen to myself since then. I'm not that person anymore at all.

I still can't put the words out there. Not someplace like this where I'll read it again and again. But I've said the words. I can accept what has happened to me. I can accept who I am. I can recognize that the two previous statements are not statements on each other.

I can do what I can for my family. I don't know what else to do at this point. My life is fantastic and I feel guiltygood about that. I have to trust Frank, the way he trusted me at my worst. I have to trust that he loves me the way I love him. And I will. He'll be better soon and I'll keep messaging him and writing him and he'll be stronger and healthier and I'll know he's not defined by his problems the way I know I'm not defined by mine.