You've never disappointed me

Current Music: C'mon - Letters to Cleo

Fuck.

I'm okay.

Really. It's not bad.

I went home for a little while. I saw my family and it wasn't so bad. It was okay.

I'm so worried. I'm so fucking worried and I have Melanie to talk to but I can't put all my thoughts on her. The thought of losing my brother is terrifying. I clench thinking and remembering what he was like.

If I lose another brother, I'm going to break. Hard. I need him to get his shit together and clean the fuck up. I need it. I fucking need it so fucking much.

Family exists to rip you apart inside. I'm okay. He's still here. Kinda. He looked horrible when I saw him and it scared me. As much as I know that I couldn't spend my life with Pat, I miss having him to just fall asleep next to, being able to cry and be comforted. I miss his devotion and the promises. I am happy for him and his growth. He was amazing and not right for me and I did the right thing. I'm a selfish person, I know, for even considering dumping all this on a person.

This isn't a shared sorrow thing. This is me wanting to dump my problems on someone else.

If it wasn't for pencils, paper and blogs, I'd be a horrible human. lol, jk, I'm a horrible person anyway.

This is exactly what Charlotte tried to warn me about. That I would be out here with no one to trust. Not when trust comes so sparingly. I've been lucky in life to meet so many amazing people who love me deeply and care for me. Then I left them all 2000 miles away? Jesus fuck, what is wrong with me?

I don't need them. I'm okay. Really. I don't need anyone and I'm good with that. I want to be back with my friends but not enough to give up myself. I've had so much time to think and explore my own thoughts. Learning myself has been an interesting experience. There has been so much change that I didn't even realize had happened. Eleven years ago I had the chance to deeply examine myself and I let so many bad things happen to myself since then. I'm not that person anymore at all.

I still can't put the words out there. Not someplace like this where I'll read it again and again. But I've said the words. I can accept what has happened to me. I can accept who I am. I can recognize that the two previous statements are not statements on each other.

I can do what I can for my family. I don't know what else to do at this point. My life is fantastic and I feel guiltygood about that. I have to trust Frank, the way he trusted me at my worst. I have to trust that he loves me the way I love him. And I will. He'll be better soon and I'll keep messaging him and writing him and he'll be stronger and healthier and I'll know he's not defined by his problems the way I know I'm not defined by mine.