stop

Current Music: Apocalypse Please - Muse

I don't know how to verbalize what i feel, something that is distressing for me. I've known how to say what I feel, whether i wanted to or not, since i can remember.

I've got a lot of bitterness in me, I can feel myself repressing things. I have got an idea of where it is all coming from but i can't confirm.

Right now, the people i thought i liked best are the ones who i feel are hiding the most from me. I think that they are the biggest fakers and are building a rather precarious tower of deceit.

Enraged.

Current Music: none

I'm enjoying a quiet night. . . in a sense. Dungeons and Dragons make for an easily frustrated state of mind. Perhaps I shouldn't complain; this is my hobby.

I have been finding myself easily angered. I nearly beat the crap out of Aaron a few nights ago and I nearly beat Akim. I would have if I hadn't bruised my hand the evening before on Aaron. I'm bruised and hurt and still ever filled with anger unlike I've ever been suspect to. I know it is a side effect of Beans' death, just as much as I know that it isn't healthy to be so prone to physical violence.

Having been a fairly docile person for the bulk of my life, this sudden shift in temperament has been perplexing me as much as those around me who are left as physically damaged as myself. This is a new kind of depression. I feel as though, in lieu of hurting myself in the typical, emo way, I've decided to hurt myself by fighting with others.

I should be paying attention. I'll be back on this subject someday.

I lack the charm and looks.

Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Tiny Vessels


If i ever meet a guy i really like, a man who i could imagine being married to, a man of virtue who could love me and my flaws, remind me to not introduce him to Melanie.


Why would anyone want me after meeting her?

She seems to have a will of her own; she's flying in the face of fashion now.

Current Music: World Shut Your Mouth - Death Cab for Cutie

I don't feel like i really know what i'm doing again. I was getting things under control, working towards a semi-decent goal. Recent events have forced me to set my goals a bit higher than "make enough money to live and never see my mother again."

I've got a new plan. One i think is worthy, that he would approve of in the quiet, unassuming way he had. I'm supposed to go hang out right now. I'm sorta procrastinating from that. It's weird. It feels unnatural, like things are still on hold.

<22 hours, 47 minutes later>

got drunk again. Woke up somewhere not home. Again.

I don't know what i'm doing. Other than Avunc, I don't know how comfortable I am around people who know me.