Fear

Current Music: Pedro the Lion - The Longer I Lay Here

The more I have, the more I have to lose. I feel so self-sabotaging everyday. I don't cry but I consider it, think about all the consequences associated with showing how deeply concerned I am. My small affairs are all that keep me sane. Even those just barely hold back the bleak truth; the truth is simple, we are all doomed.

I could be that I haven't had a new lover in such a long time. I've gone back to the arms of old flames and been sorely disappointed with the comfort derived from those brief encounters. I left from each slightly warmer initially but it was the fake warmth of friction, not a lasting heat of satisfaction. Should I hide who I love? I could never deny my relationship with Pat publicly but it should speak to the moral integrity of the kind of man I'm attracted to that he impedes their affection for me. Or so I tell myself. Perhaps there is no affection to impede? I do always assume everyone adores me.
Being poly hurts. It hurts to think I'm wrong and that the something in me that makes me love so much is only going to hurt those around me. Should I just bite my tongue, hide my heart and pretend that I'm not feeling the way I do? Sex is wonderful. Sex is fun. Sex is something to share, not to hoard and hide and be ashamed of. Long-term monogamy isn't healthy and even the rare animal that "mates for life" normal have "extra-marital" pairings. I love Pat. He is my life mate, as far as I can tell. We both love each other enough to not want to hide each other from the world. If he found someone who he wanted to be with more, I wouldn't begrudge him the chance to be happier than he would be with me and I am certain he feels the same for me. I am not jealous of his love and he isn't of mine. I hope. This is all new to him and I fear that he loves me so much that he would agree to anything I asked him.

I feel rejected right now and I don't know why. Well, I know why I feel rejected but I don't know why I am being ignored. I keep thinking of the things I've said, the way I looked and the things he said and telling myself that he's just not interested in me, not that I'm repulsive or undesirable. Or a situation where it is assumed without question that I'm just a cheating, unrepentant whore. Been a while since I had that one. If only I had a card that I could hand out, like the deaf and mute, to explain myself in plain words before the questions can be asked.

Hi, I'm Krista!
I'm polyamorous and you should know that:
I'm not using you to "scratch an itch"
I respect you as a person, please respect me as one too.
Let's be friends! 

Convenient, eh?

The comfort of cold pillows and undelivered letters

I must be a bad person because I am always thinking of you when my boyfriend isn't enough. When he makes no sense and seems to be sabatoging himself, I miss your cold competency and slight indifference to my emotions. I dont even want you that badly. You're attractive but not nearly enough to warrant how I feel. I don't like a lot of your music and you rarely have anything to say about books, at least any I find interesting. Your sexual appetites are exotic which is only interesting for a story of a deviation from the norm and the small thrill at the novelty. The shape and cut of your pants is not flattering, which is something I notice only in the recent year because it annoys me. The light and shine of your eyes is intelligent and enthralling without a hint of kindness beyond rare flickers. I wouldn't feel comfortable farting in front of you sober.

---

Why is so much thought devoted to the idea of infidelity with this one person, who, as I've explained, isn't very appealing? He is the negative of Patrick. Except for the ill-fitting pants, I don't observe any similarities, from the superficial on down. Where Patrick is open, light, caring and honest, he is moody, secretive, mysterious and making me wonder about his affections. I have no idea where I'm going with either anymore. I don't know what I think or what I want to do. He has no future with me from all he has told me and, despite anything I've said, I have no reason to believe it is anything but the truth. Patrick wants to be with me forever and i'm afraid that if i dont do anything, that is how it will end up. With Patrick, forever trying to help him and never giving myself the time I want to be me. This is less about wanting him and more about wanting Patrick to have a life upheaval. I'm afraid to be with Patrick forever because stagnation terrfies me to my core.

---

Please grow up. I want to be a grown-up with you. I don't want to be your mother anymore. I want to have fun and be carefree and not be taking care of you. I'm sorry I have feelings for someone else, they are not a shadow of the feelings I have for you. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to leave you. I just don't know if I want to be with you. Maybe, or maybe not. While I can't imagine not being with you, nothing is the way I want it to be.

My Head

I do not even know what i'm doing. I'm going to melt from my chest outwards. I have no godly reason to feel this way. Fuck you very much, Mister.

The "code" for a good album is still elusive

Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Home is a Fire

I'm trying hard to like this album and I am hoping that multiple listens will drill it into my skull with enough force to stimulate some pleasure sensors. The first few minutes actually gave me a terrible fright; what if I no longer loved DCFC?

Not true. Tiny Vessels is still amazing. Had to check though.

I moved in with Pat. He puts his things down on the stove when he comes in the door and it drives me insane.

I love my new bathroom. It's tiny and a little shabby and I've picked out everything for it from the ground up. I've never felt so good about spending my money. It's a rental, yes, but I really want to make this place look so good. I want to walk into my home and sigh with happiness at how much of a home it is. right now, besides the cooking tools and the bathroom, it's very bland. Pale, pale beige walls and a beige carpet. I want rugs and wallpaper and decals and things that scream "I love it here, I'm so happy and so good right now."

I'm going to cook here. I'm going to decorate and pay my bills and have my friends over and everything will be perfect.

I will be perfect.

First of the year habits.

Current Music: Foster the People - Color on the Walls (Don't Stop)

When the new year hits, i have the mild fascination with all my old blogs. It's great to be able to read all these old events from my old perspectives. It's almost like i get to relive all this drama again but without the hurt accompanied by actually living it.

Happy 2012! I'm alive! I'm working! I'm happy, in a healthy, normal way and I'm fucking young with great tits and even better friends.

Fuck. . . yes.