The comfort of cold pillows and undelivered letters

I must be a bad person because I am always thinking of you when my boyfriend isn't enough. When he makes no sense and seems to be sabatoging himself, I miss your cold competency and slight indifference to my emotions. I dont even want you that badly. You're attractive but not nearly enough to warrant how I feel. I don't like a lot of your music and you rarely have anything to say about books, at least any I find interesting. Your sexual appetites are exotic which is only interesting for a story of a deviation from the norm and the small thrill at the novelty. The shape and cut of your pants is not flattering, which is something I notice only in the recent year because it annoys me. The light and shine of your eyes is intelligent and enthralling without a hint of kindness beyond rare flickers. I wouldn't feel comfortable farting in front of you sober.

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Why is so much thought devoted to the idea of infidelity with this one person, who, as I've explained, isn't very appealing? He is the negative of Patrick. Except for the ill-fitting pants, I don't observe any similarities, from the superficial on down. Where Patrick is open, light, caring and honest, he is moody, secretive, mysterious and making me wonder about his affections. I have no idea where I'm going with either anymore. I don't know what I think or what I want to do. He has no future with me from all he has told me and, despite anything I've said, I have no reason to believe it is anything but the truth. Patrick wants to be with me forever and i'm afraid that if i dont do anything, that is how it will end up. With Patrick, forever trying to help him and never giving myself the time I want to be me. This is less about wanting him and more about wanting Patrick to have a life upheaval. I'm afraid to be with Patrick forever because stagnation terrfies me to my core.

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Please grow up. I want to be a grown-up with you. I don't want to be your mother anymore. I want to have fun and be carefree and not be taking care of you. I'm sorry I have feelings for someone else, they are not a shadow of the feelings I have for you. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to leave you. I just don't know if I want to be with you. Maybe, or maybe not. While I can't imagine not being with you, nothing is the way I want it to be.