The more I have, the more I have to lose. I feel so self-sabotaging everyday. I don't cry but I consider it, think about all the consequences associated with showing how deeply concerned I am. My small affairs are all that keep me sane. Even those just barely hold back the bleak truth; the truth is simple, we are all doomed.
I could be that I haven't had a new lover in such a long time. I've gone back to the arms of old flames and been sorely disappointed with the comfort derived from those brief encounters. I left from each slightly warmer initially but it was the fake warmth of friction, not a lasting heat of satisfaction. Should I hide who I love? I could never deny my relationship with Pat publicly but it should speak to the moral integrity of the kind of man I'm attracted to that he impedes their affection for me. Or so I tell myself. Perhaps there is no affection to impede? I do always assume everyone adores me.
Being poly hurts. It hurts to think I'm wrong and that the something in me that makes me love so much is only going to hurt those around me. Should I just bite my tongue, hide my heart and pretend that I'm not feeling the way I do? Sex is wonderful. Sex is fun. Sex is something to share, not to hoard and hide and be ashamed of. Long-term monogamy isn't healthy and even the rare animal that "mates for life" normal have "extra-marital" pairings. I love Pat. He is my life mate, as far as I can tell. We both love each other enough to not want to hide each other from the world. If he found someone who he wanted to be with more, I wouldn't begrudge him the chance to be happier than he would be with me and I am certain he feels the same for me. I am not jealous of his love and he isn't of mine. I hope. This is all new to him and I fear that he loves me so much that he would agree to anything I asked him.
I feel rejected right now and I don't know why. Well, I know why I feel rejected but I don't know why I am being ignored. I keep thinking of the things I've said, the way I looked and the things he said and telling myself that he's just not interested in me, not that I'm repulsive or undesirable. Or a situation where it is assumed without question that I'm just a cheating, unrepentant whore. Been a while since I had that one. If only I had a card that I could hand out, like the deaf and mute, to explain myself in plain words before the questions can be asked.
Hi, I'm Krista!
I'm polyamorous and you should know that:
I'm not using you to "scratch an itch"
I respect you as a person, please respect me as one too.
Let's be friends!
Convenient, eh?
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