Insignificance

Man, with the whole big thing of Christmas bringing big family shit together and all the greater meaning stuff, I thought it would be a bigger deal. I guess as we get older everything just looks smaller. Including ourselves. I got a lot of good stuff, but the techie stuff I got, newer, better is already in campaining. Everything is just a little too fast and too... I dunno, materialistic for me to really understand. I love what I got though. I am really happy with the people I love. It is just the world that is pressing against me now. The rest of it. I wish I could wake myself up from it the way some very few people can do. Mother Theresa is a nice example. She cared so little for the world. She would thank me for my assessment of her, keep me in her prayers and such but I imagine that it wouldn't really matter to her. My opinion, yours, the medias. Nobody's was important to her. All that mattered to her was what was important to her in her heart. It was a beautiful thing and it gives me hope to remember her. I hated that nobody recognized that she died on the same day and Princess Di. I guess that that would have been the way she would have wanted it though, you know? I doubt she would want a big deal and fuss made about something that would help nobody in any real way. What a waste it would have been after all of the things she did to help in such a tangible and admirable way. I wish I could be like that. You know, forsake all of the world and all possessions and live entirely in the love of some god and work for this so-called god's goal. You know the goal, to spread the hope or something. Or even to just give someone something to eat, my love for as long as I can, and a faith to keep them warm after I need to leave, move on and spread the theological contagion. But I don't. And I doubt I could give up all I have. Fuck, I had trouble giving a stuffed whale to a kindergartener when I was in the fifth grade. I gave it to the little girl and as soon as I had, I wanted it back. I wanted all the happiness that it gave the girl, I wanted that for myself more than I did for her. Anything that can make someone else happy, it would be better served for me. Like the only things that matter are how I get along and my life and my troubles. It is a terrible feeling to remember how I felt giving that fucking whale to that kid. I even picked that one toy out because I didn't even lie it, you know? I dug through my own huge pile of stuffed toys, looking for the one that I would never miss. I got the whale because it was cheap and I had gotten it a long long time ago at Marine World. I didn't want it. I didn't even like it. But I tried to get it back. God, I am a terrible person. I wish I could be good and upstanding and honorable and true and kind and all those things that make Jesus such a hottie.


Uhm, anyway.... I can blog from bed now. Yeah, I know, you are asking yourself, How? How can you do such an awesome thing? Well, young grasshopper, I now have the coolest keyboard and mouse EVER! Frankie loves me so he got me, not only a DVD-ROM but her got me the sweetest wireless keyboard/mouse set on the market now. It took me a grand total of eight minutes to set up and now I have all these great Hot Keys and wireless-ness. So I am in bed..It seemed like the logical thing to do with my new found freedom and all. And this keyboard makes the nicest sounds as I hit the keys. It makes this nice, almost think sounding click. I also got the MiniDisk player I had been eyeing since I got that free MD a while back. Now I have ten MiniDisks and no idea how I will get enough music to fill 'em all up. I guess I will have to ask Frankie to fill a few up for me. And Ashley. And a whole other butt load of people. I just so played a game of pinball from my bed. Yeah, that was cool. I even got a high score. Though, I have to admit, it was only the third time I have ever played pinball so there are no high scores on my comp. My mood is shifting around a lot right now. I guess it is the little kid in me being all happy is finally getting some sort of foothold on the fucking beast in my head who slashes and bites and kicks and hates the world and hates life and wants me to crawl in a corner and snarl. Yeah, that is usually the reigning side but the whole Christmas thing is kinda hard to be upset during, you know? Yeah, I bet you do you sneaky little shit. Rape me, rape me my friend. Rape me. Rape me again. Am I the only one? Hate me. Do it do it again. Waste me, rape me my friend. Am I the only one, am I the only one, am I the only one? That song is on the radio in my ears right now... I liked it because it was all slow and easy to dictate but then I couldn't really understand that words anymore. I like it. Not the inability to understand, but the song. Now there is a song about a girl named Nikki. I would say this Nikki girl has some serious commitment and self-worth issues. But, oh well, this song sounds pretty damn good too. Turned off the radio, commercials make me sick of humanity and all. Man, I am tired but not. Its weird. I want to sleep but I don't. I dunno. I have been messing around so much with computer stuff today. I installed so many drivers. Finally got to use the two USB ports on the front of my computer. Couldn't get the fucking PS/2 ports to work on my computer so I just hooked the whole shebang in with the combined USB adapter and plugged it in that way on the back USB port. I used the port on the front with my MD player. I just put a couple albums on the one disk I got for free from Tremor. I wish I had gotten more for Ashley. I want to get her something really awesome, you know? Her and her family are so amazing to me. I wish I had money. I wish I had someone who would help me to get something. Fuck, I hate not having a close extended family. All I got is a bunch of fucking cousins and Tias who don't want to see me because I am not what they think a young woman should be. I am supposed to be a cook and a mother and so so... Old already. Well, if I may, fuck that. God, nobody in my family wants me. All I have in Ashley and her family. They always tell me that I am part of their family and I really hope for that. Frankie is the one person I am close to here at home and I know he has to move out soon, or at least her should. I have so much just swimming around right now, as you can tell by my really confused blog post. Thank you, you know, for reading and such.