Man, doctors are so full of shit. I don't really understand anything that they say and I am pretty sure that that is the point. The psychiatrist is the worse, then the psychologist and lastly my pediatrician. I'm sure that, once I have one, my gynecologist is going to be full of shit too. And of course, since he was a BIG problem for me, they all make me talk about David and what happened with it and they ask me if he made me do anything I didn't want to do and all this happy crappy about what happened there. I just want to forget about it. I want to move on.
(NOTE TO ASHLEY! I think I figured out what one of the things I told you about on the night means. Not the first or the last of the things but the one thing with the thing between me and the guy where after we do our thing the new guy comes in and asks if he can do a thing with me. I think it means I can have a better thing with a better guy if I just get over the thing and the things that happened during the thing. That there are better things and guys and things to have. Cause we both know that the late guy who has to go is better than the guy with the thing. I hope nobody else can understand that. If you really want to know, IM or email me and I will explain, if I feel like it)
Back to whatever, I was out yesterday and for 5th and 6th period in school just to see all these doctors and such for medication. I am getting the Zolof or something. The one with the sperm-y (or Strong Sad's head) guy in the commercial. Yeah, I have never been on anything like that before. I have met people who were, I have talked to them and I have thought to myself that I know what it is like. I think I may have told someone that I have been on prozac but I haven't. I have never been on anything before. I am kinda worried/scared/relieved/anxious. I have no idea what to expect. I have never been in this situation I guess it want to. I don't want to kill myself because David doesn't like me anymore. I want to be normal and have normal mood swings. I definitely want to stop pulling my hair. Especially pulling my hair because of dreams and David and classes and high school in general. The normal high school mistakes that only bother most kids for a month or so last me for a lot longer. I thought I could help myself by telling everybody and myself that I was totally over him. I thought I acted it out very well. It did help me but I guess I wanted to be his friend I know now that that will never happen. He lies to me, he treats me like his ex-girlfriend and I think he is trying to think of me like that. He talked about her a lot and the other day he told me I should dye my hair purple. He wants me to be Kelly. I guess he wants to hate me. I guess I have no choice. I want him to leave then. I do not want to have to look at him all the time know he wants me to be gone. I cant leave my friends. I cant do without them, especially now. I need them for this. I cant do it alone no matter how much David wants me gone. I don't know why he had to lie to me and to deceive me and to treat me like utter shit now. I wish I had never met him now. I wish I had never. I wish I had never let him convince me that I was pretty or kind or important to him. I wish I had never let this happen to me. I wish it had happened to someone else. I wish I was as good as anybody else. I cant compare to any of his other girls. I wish I was special. I wish I was unique. I wish I was not just the same decaying organic matter as everything else. Why did I let myself think I was more to somebody else. More than just an opinion, a witty remark, some good advice, an encouraging word or two. I wish I was more. I wish I was more than that to someone who would hold me and keep me safe and to love me. Nobody wants to. Everybody just wants to use me for advice and to take from me. Nobody wants to give me anything. I am nothing. I am so unimportant. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish I was more than just a toy. I wish I was something more. I wish I was yours. I wish I was gone from here when you tore me down. I know now what did wrong but no more. You again have someone better than me. You want her. She was good enough for you to want to call yours. No matter how much he (you, whatever) said that he liked me, I was never good enough to be his. Never. I wish I had never. I bet he wishes he had never. He said I was the one percent of things he had done right in life so far. Everything else was a screw up and that I was special and right in his life. It was all bull shit to the greatest extent. I am the one wrong thing. Everything else was right and worthy and all that. I was not. I am the rouge factor. The wrong the mistake. I am the wrong part. I am the bruise. I am the forgotten. Put me in an oubliette and forget I ever happened. Labyrinth, oubliette, I am sure that everything is forgotten by him. I was nothing and it is easy to forget something that is nothing, doesn't matter. He was important to me. I wanted him to be happy. I was happy when I was with him. He mattered a lot to me. I tried so hard to put everything behind me. I didn't want it to be a joke but neither did I want to think of it as something serious. I want to forget so bad. I tried so hard. But I have to try harder. Everything, everything, I wish everything was gone. I wish I was able to change it. I wish he didn't think that what I did was so unimportant. It wasn't. It was a big deal to me. It was so important, such a big deal in my mind. But to him, it was nothing. It was so small, unimportant. Nothing. I was nothing. I am nothing. I need to forget all of it. I don't want to have to think so much of somebody who wants me gone. I wish he would leave. I wish he was gone. I wish he would go away. I want him gone. I don't want him to try and make me go away. I was here first. He came with Kelly. I want him gone to leave me to grieve for myself. I want to be able to get it out. I cant do this. I cant do this. I cant do this at all. I don't want this. I cant do this forever. I don't want to be here. I want to be gone. I want him gone. I want to be done. I wish it was over but it is not. It is not over at all. For me it is not even close to over. For him it is all closed and done with and he is finished. On to the next girl. I thought I was important. I thought I was unique. I am the same decaying matter as everything else.
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