I found a way to sit in my closet, like I used to do when I was young. Whenever I was mad or sad or even sorta depressed, I would go into the closet and sit in the dark. This is actually not as odd as it sounds. A lot of younger children do this as a way to deal with stress. I guess I should stop this now, as I am 16 years old. But it is nice, you know, the dark and the quiet and it gets kinda warn in there, closed space and all. Okay, part of some song lyrics are going in here. Everclear, Normal Like You;
I get closer
to the place inside
where I can be complacent
I get closer
to the place inside
where I can be sedated
I get closer
to the place inside
where I can be normal too
where I can be normal like you
maybe normal like you
I can be normal like you
I don't want to be
normal like you
I know that seemed random to you, most likely at least. But I do feel that way sometimes. Happy on the outside of the world. I am slowly beginning to like myself again. Nobody seems to understand that I don't just snap out of my funks. I hate myself after it is over too. But I am getting better. Thank you so very much. David is still confusing the almighty hell out of me. I hate liking guys more than I hate guys. I think that would be the way to put it. I don't hate guys. A lot of my really good friends are guys. I do not hate them. I hate having a crush. Okay, not really a crush, I guess. I don't swoon over pictures of him. I just know that for some inexplicable reason, I like him. We don't really have much to talk about, he is shorter than I am, burps in public (okay, so do I), dresses oddly, odd colored hair (that is actually really soft. At least I think so) and he is somewhat rude and loud. But I like him and when I think of him, it doesn't seem so bad. It seems really cute and sweet and all. I still like himbut I don't think I want to still like him. My friends say I can do better. But I don't understand that, if I was the one who could do better, why was he the one to cute everything off with me. I don't understand. I know he reads my blog and I guess I wanted that because I'm being really honest right now. I want to be with him, if I can be. I don't know how long it would last, I really don't care, but I want to kiss him again. I want him to hold me and brush away the hair in my face. I am pathetically love sick and lonely. Man oh man. I am so jealous of what Ashley has. Not that I want what she has, I just wish I was cared for. I have never had the ability to get boyfriedn after boyfriend to love me so much. I'm not really good with guys at all. Never have been and I doubt I ever will be. I guess David will read this and hate me and ignore me EVEN MORE but that his what he will do. At least I will know I was honest. I hate high school. Less I hate high school, more I hate all the drama that is associated with high school. But then again, I do like drama, sorta, is the weird love/hate way. If I didn't have any drama, it would mean that nobody cared about me or what I do. David doesn't seem to really care. He doesn't want me to hang around him, he doesn't talk to me and he ignores me on AIM. I think I may be making far too big of a deal out of this. Mostly because it could all be in my own head. But maybe not. I just want him to like me again. I don't know what I did to make it so easy for him to become completely indifferent of me. I try so hard to not let him know how much I like him. I have to fight myself so I don't kiss him like I used to. Not easy to do when, for some reason, we all start to wrestle and he ends up holding me down or when he fights me for my hat and I am face to face with him. One time I had to put my hand in front of his face so I wouldn't do it. I hate myself for this. I have to get it out or get over it. I don't know if I really just want to get over him. Some people can do that but not me.
Damn it... Dinner I will finish when I get back
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