tired and the lights are low, I'm down by sixteen.

Ashley wants me to post and I just beat this really awesome fishy game so I figured I might as well. I dunno. I haven't been exactly feeling like typing a massive chunk of text. I don't know how I feel I don't know what I want. I am so lost. I have been missing quite a bit of school too. I was out for more than just a few days. I think I am falling behind. My head hurts. I wanna go out and hook-up (in that non-sex way, ash). I'm not sure whether I could or not but who knows. I'm just kinda tired, I guess. Not feeling much. Okay, that is a lie. I'm feeling a lot. More than anyone else is feeling about me especially. Everything kinda went into neutral except for me. I'm still all about my extremes. Most of the time I don't even feel like how I am acting. I can be a hard ass bitch to someone while I really feel like crying in a corner and telling them how much I hurt inside. And that isn't just David. I just want to cry with someone. I was about ready to tell Bryan and Adrian all about my life and how I feel. That is how bad it was today. I barely know them but already I just want to spill. Bryan is an awesome kid and I try and help him out with this girl he has just totally fallen for. Tanya. Yeah, I saw her pictures, really cute but nothing too special. So I talk to him about it. I let him tell me about it and I give my version of advice. I don't really tell either of them, Bryan and Adrian, about my life. I'm just another crazy upperclassman to them, I guess. We have fun. We just sat there in class and listened to Adrian's Green Day CD on Bryans Walkman with a headphone jack splitter. I was using one of Bryan's earbuds while Adrian just used his Sony wraparounds. It was fun but I just wanted to die. Sink into the floor and burn in the fiery pits of the self-inflicted pain of hell. Sadness, anger, resentment, seclusion and far too much time to myself. I have been at home way too much. I need to get out. I need the play. But I was always sorta alone at the plays, once I quit sound. Why did I do that? I was THE Crew Leader. But I switched to deck because Becky complained, a lot. I'm stupid. Jesus, why do I do such things. I am never going to have any respect in tech. I'm just blah,... Expendable. God *Ashley* damn it, I hate how, all of a sudden, every girl has been fucked. I just hear it everywhere now. I mean, I thought it was just a TV exaggeration, but no, a lot of the girls talk about having sex and they ask you when was your first time. I say I never had sex and then they turn and look at me and say, You're a virgin? Like they thought there was a difference. Stupid girls. You can guess how it feels though. Like I should go out and do it just to get it over with. So I can finally just out what all the hoopla is. I mean, it can't be that great. I don't even masturbate, I doubt it will be some big surprise as to what happens. So I will wait... Forever and ever. I do and I don't want to. Also the fact that there is nobody I want to do it with. I am sorta disgusted with a majority of guys. Maybe I can get a gay guy. Pay Travis to have sex with me. He's gay, it would work. I wish. I actually did darken the blue in my hair, made it look tons better. Pieter saw it today and said "it's not you," like he knows who I am. Strange folk. Steven called me a "weird ass" and I was strangely complimented. I don't think of suicide as often. I don't sit there and think about it. For hours at a time for weeks. No. I stopped that. I hope it stays stopped. All I feel like doing lately is sleeping. My dreams are weird but not like the ones before. If I really love you, then you know what I mean about the "dreams before". Not weird like that but they are archaic. Rarely does anybody speak English. Except me, of course. Sometimes, I guess, I am afraid during these new dreams. I want to but I cant, type situation. That and I've been kicking so damn much lately that I don't even bother to make my bed again. And I'm lazy. Whatever. I guess I'm okay. I I'm just a little off. Sorry for the short lapse between posts. I figure you all got used to having a brand spankin new post everyday. I will try and shape up.