All new, all gone

Yeah, a new template. A lot of things are changing for me right now. My head hurts and I think I'm going crazy instead of getting better on this stupid medicine. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow. I am trying to forget everything I lost. I lost all those people who said they cared. I guess that was all I had. But they don't want me and never is there a one sided love. Only longing. I was always trying to be good and being something. I was trying to be good at being myself. I think that counts as originality, but not really so much. I like this template a lot. It only took a little bit of work to make it perfect and that is what it is now. Perfect. Except for the stupid banner ad. I do think I am going insane. I hate to think about where my life is going to take me. Every time I get settled in some sort of path, I get lost and I don't know what is next. I thought I was going to be friends with the last group I was "part" of forever. But I was so exceptionally expendable to them. Call me crazy but I don't really like being the friend that is there only when you need me. I don't want to have to shut up about my problems. I don't want to have to get over it. I want to be upset. I want to get over it when I am ready to get over it. I guess this is some sort of break through for all those people I knew. They don't want to bring me back to them so I'm not going to crawl back and promise to be good and never think about myself ever, ever again. Who knows what this may do for me in the long run. Maybe I can get back to something. I don't know. I don't know what I was doing wrong all this time. I guess I don't really know anything about anything that is happening to me. I don't think this would be called growing up because, if anything, I feel less mature. Like I said, I don't know what is going on in my mind. I am sure part if this is the fucking zoloft but I cant blame it all on that. I was fucked up before that even began. I get my hair done on the 12th. Blue steaks of some sort. And I finally found my The Presidents of the United States of America self-titled CD. I missed it. Anything I have wanted, I have been getting lately. Anything material. But the really unfair trade-off is that I don't have anyone to share it with right now. I am keeping everyone at arms length and trying most earnestly to make them all hate me. This is only making mildly satisfactory results. They are becoming neutral about me. I want them to hate me, to be so filled with rage that they tell me what they do think. Not this crap about how I need to get over this for my own sake. I want them to scream at me that, because I had my own problems, I wasn't there to listen to them and to help them. I want them to cry that I was so self-centered to have put myself first in my time of need when they could have used my help. I want to hear all of the little stories they tell themselves that they believe, I want to hear those crumble and blow away. So much is out there to hear that is dead. Everyday, inadvertently, we listen to dead things. Recorded music by our favorite oldie artists who died so many years ago, O.D., erotic asphyxia, plane crashes, ham sandwich, suicide. TV, Nick-at-Nite, dementia, senile delusion, alcoholism. I think the worst part is the laugh tracks we hear all over the place. People from decades ago laughing at things that happened after they died. Some people think it is bad to even speak of the dead and we sit a listen to them laugh from nowhere at something that does not even warrant laughing. Echoes from god knows where. Telling us what is funny. The dead are laughing on a empty studio set. We take for granted a lot of what we hear. Sometimes I wish for silence. After being born into sounds though, silence is pretty scary. Nilophobia. A fear of nothing or zero. I think my ranting is done for now. This whole post was just about getting a new template. Good night.