Life is always so cyclic. So, the Aaron thing resolved itself, without me beating him back which was surprising and i took to be a sign that my temperament was mellowing.
Rich left to Flight school before anything had a chance to develop, which in the long run was a better outcome for me. I never planned to spend my 21st birthday attached to anyone. I've kept myself in good contact with both of these gentlemen although any exchange of words with Rich causes me to verbally stumble all over myself despite the fact that he is with a lovely girl who i couldn't say a horrible word about without biting my tongue. I like her, she's quiet around me though which makes me think she doesn't like me which isn't too horrible because there is no reason for her to feel any which way around me but i knew if i saw a girl looking at my boyfriend the way i sometimes find myself looking at Rich, I'd hate the bitch too. Or, maybe, I'm looking into this too much. I've been hanging out with some lovely friends, Sam, his girlfriend Heather (who was in my middle school homeroom of all things) and Stephen. It's nice to have these good people around. It makes life more fun. I'm always a bit confused about how to treat new friends. I know that I come off as a bit. . . well, overwhelming but they seem to think it's endearing. It makes me wonder if i have to keep up a facade or am i allowed to tone it down and relax? I mean, i know if i have to fake any aspect of myself to be friends with people then it's not worth it but we all wear faces and it helps to get to know how to act. Okay, I'm fake. I get it. Fucking hell. I still enjoy spending time with these people and make efforts to spend a bit more time with them before the end of today.
Really, I've only started talking to people in the last few months. After the whole getting beat up and called names and spit on things, i lost a lot of self respect by staying with that guy. A lot of self respect. It's taken me quite a while to realize just how much i hated myself for it. I'm starting to have almost as much love for myself as i did before. Almost. Admittedly, i may have loved myself a little too much before. Now that i have a lot of this conceit back, I've been noticed again and again. It's nice. Last night a very intoxicated man was telling me and his friends that I was exactly the kind of woman he'd want to marry. It had me cracking up to the point of tears. The poor guy was thinking what he was being really suave and hitting on me rather than making a spectacle of himself.
I also had a bouncer unwittingly talk about me to me. A friend of his had talked to him about sleeping with me, without names. So the bouncer mentions it to me that this mutual friend of ours is having sex with someone he shouldn't be having sex with and gives a few details that leave no doubt that it's me he is talking about me. I would have to say though, the situation between me and this friend is wonderful gossip just not the kind i like hearing from third parties seeing as how, if it gets around too far, i will be quite shamed, not by friends but more along the lines of family. Unless it's a lot more serious than i thought which it hopefully isn't. not to say that I'm horrified by the idea but in the situation I'm in, it has to either be a secret or true love because fallout from anything less would be quite substantial.
I, however, am stressing about it too much and i know it. I've got to relax more, i know. I like pie. See? Pie is awesome.
mmm. pie.
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