Butterflies and hurricanes

Putting all of my thoughts in one place in dangerous.

Fuzzy On the Outside, Pits Included, ect, ect.

The thing is, by separating my thoughts I have to rethink them, changing them by the mere process of processing them.

I have a fear of rejection. I have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of loss.

I fear people, pretty much. I fear having anything with anyone. Because, as soon as you make a bond to a person you are fixing values to parts of yourself. By making these connections you doom yourself to break them because people are always evolving. Friendship is only asking to be hurt because in the end the person you felt a kinship with is going to be gone and you're going to be standing there with your heart in your hands waiting for them to come back to who they were but they wont because you just weren't important enough to them to slow down and make sure you were growing at the same rate. And by you I mean me. And they I mean my friends past and probably present.

The worst friends I have are the ones who I am closest to.

I don't have any old friends. None of my friends have known me from high school except one and I wouldn't call him a real friend, which, ironically, makes him the person most likely to be around for a long time.

I think I might want someone to love me. I don't know what I am even ready for. But maybe. I might want to go back to Morgan. I don't know. I want it. I really want someone to hold me, and be still and just let me think and take in the sensation on his hand brushing my hair away and the smell and the feel and the shape of his body. But it wont last. Because the closer you tie your heart to someone, the faster the sutures will be ripped from your flesh. I hope that someday I might find the person with whom I will grow with. The person who will be either so much like me, so much dislike me or complement me so well that we stay. In tandem. Maybe, someday, even I can be happy. Someday I might enjoy the company of another person without the constant fear and reaffirmation I have now that these people will break my heart and leave me.

I'm think about you here Ashley, I'm thinking of you.