Might as well. Day is long and nothing is wasted

I feel like I'm trapped in this constant cycle of being a lying manipulating bitch.

I'm awful. I'm suspicious and paranoid and I know my friends almost always mean well but I'm always afraid that they don't really want me around, that I'm being kept around as a joke. They people are playing with my emotions to see just how far they can push me. I think this so often yet it has never ever been the case.

I'm so afraid that I'm permanently alone. I am so scared sometimes that this constant loneliness inside is permanent and no matter how many people I have in my life, I will feel it there, gaping and black, reminding me that I have ripped too many people out of my life painfully to be normal.

I don't want to be a mess. I want, someday, to maybe be normal. Maybe with a man who cares about me and who looks at me and see my problems and doesn't try to fix me. And maybe a house and a fence and a garden. And I wont be empty because someone found a way to put back what was missing; stability. A solid place for me to always be. Something to be sure of in my life, something that I could always look at and think "as long as that stands, I will be fine." I used to think that was my family. Then my mother happened. Then my brother. Then my sister. And my father has been gone to me since the very beginning so I'm not too sure he counts at all. These people, the ones who should be counting on me and vice versa, are leaving me behind. My brother lies to me more often than Andrea lies to our mom. It's disappointing the way I can look at my family and know why we are falling apart and think, in some ways, that it might be my fault. Why can't I fix me? Nothing works, I've taken so much just to try and find a way to be normal. To be able to handle things in a way that most people take for granted; rationally. I can know so much intellectually, but emotionally I am all over the place. I am an emotional contradiction. I want to make friends, but I don't want to have to make friends, I want then to approach me. I want love but I cant ever go back to the man I love, so I settle with cheap thrills and disappointment. I need support but I don't want to be supported, I want the strength myself to be able to handle anything.

I am very disappointed in myself. For my whole life. I have failed at basic living.