I want to cry and kick and scream. In that order. There is so much about my life right now that I hate and hate and hate and I just want to exit stage right and ignore curtain call and just cut the whole scene. Just leave. Check out. Gone. I hate people. I hate you. I hate what you all do to me. My empathy destroys me. Criticism cuts deep. I feel so much pain from so many people and all I want to do is feel something new. To believe that I haven't done enough. I still need to live and learn, I want to know that more innately by knowing more now. But doing what I haven't done yet. But I have no one. NO ONE. Nothing to hold onto anymore. Its just sickening how much a very short thought can permeate. Nothing feels right right now. Its just wrong and sick and my skin is crawling, my throat is caved, my heart is silent, my eyes blurry, my mind swimming, my mouth dry, my stomach sore, my everything anything. Pretense, hate, hurt, spite, vexation, hurtful, exhale. There is nothing I want to do more right now than to sit back and smoke a bowl of blueberry shisha. So far smoking has been the only thing that is calming me down. I think I might have to take up tobacco as well as caffeine to hold my balance now. Nothing is right when IM not chemically altered. And I cant cant cant deign to pills right now. Every orange bottle, every green capsule is another spike into what's left of me. At least a draw from a hookah is smooth. I'm just slowly pushing away everything I think would ever matter to my life or my being. I always feel like I'm running a temperature, as if my body is slowly becoming smoke and I will just be able to float away, disappear and be at one with the wind, with the peace, with nature, with the ten thousand things. To be at one with the system of the world is something I cant do. I care too much what others say around about me or to me. Thinking about simple human cruelty is enough to make me think long and hard about my own morals which are shaky and questionable at best. *scratches neck* I'm just sick of this petty being. I am rebuked at every edge. I feel ultimately unwanted, undesired, unneeded, misplaced, disoriented, malfunctioning. I think I am ignoring something. There is one piece gone from my life and it is what makes this whole world work. Something about everyone else lets them not shirk and cry and the thought of a future out of control and different. I cant stand thinking about what will happen to me in a month, not to mention life past that. And early death would be a blessing. I stopped being really me two weeks or so ago. Just like that I wasn't in character. I was reading, I was emoting lines, I was pretending my life what just where I wanted it. it is not. It wont be for a very long time because I cant even make enough time anymore to say what's going on in this sad mind of mine. blogs are really all I have when I think about it. And I do. Think about it. I think about what I can do to avoid life, to avoid people. I think I could work sound tech for the rest of my life. Make enough money to buy a couch to sleep on.. But I don't know what I can realistically do with my life. Its so hard to be able to tell what I will want to do idlkfjlksjlkafkljfjkl;sdklgjkldfnvm,nvkljhsflgnjksf jf jhjlkf kshfs jkh fsjkgyhjkfnjklgyhjkfgnlvj vgtgjo]
I HATE YOU ALL
YOU SUCK
AND IT MAKES ME SICK TO SEE YOU BEING ALIVE YOU FUCK
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