Current Music: Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying - Belle and Sebastian
4/9
i dont even know why im bothering with this. I was trying to be really tough and understanding because. . . well, i didn't think it would be fair if you knew just how much i didn't want you to take space from me. It's not exactly a completely foreign feeling. what i think and what i feel being so different, I can't even tell which one i should be writing. I don't even know if you'll eventually be talking to me at all. and, if you do, if this even becomes something that you'd ever even want to see. Or that i'd show you. I just can't help thinking that you're changing your mind about me. Fuck, I keep thinking that. Holy fuck that thought hurts. God, if you do read this, i'm a fucking asshole. You'll be all pissed at yourself for making me feel like this and I'm just going to be wanting you to know what fucked up shit runs through my head.
I thought about texting you a lot. I didn't even know what i would say if i had opened your texts. there was a brief hour or so where I just kept wanting to say fuck it, let this blow up if it will.
I'm mad. I'm really mad that you don't trust yourself or your feelings and that you made me feel so fucking comfortable and then switched. from, we should go balls out and just fucking do this to if we go balls out this will all blow up in our faces. and you know what, that is a valid feeling. Fuck you for doing that shit. That is just the most bullshitty thing that has ever been bull shat.
But, hey, when life gives you lemons, dont make lemonade. Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Vunc lemons.
Thats not my quote.
how the fuck did i entertain myself four weeks ago? WHY THE FUCK DO I LIKE YOU THIS MUCH AFTER THREE FUCKING WEEKS THAT SHIT IS RIDICULOUS. I was stupid to like you so much. I'm fucking emotional and ridiculous and stupid and I hate swinging back and forth.
I was very excited to meet your dogs. and house on the rock and fuck, i'm crying.
I should not have trusted my feelings. its not about trusting you, i wouldn't have even tried to trust you if i hadn't been stupid and vulnerable and lonely in a stupid new city with no friends. Fucking bullshit that if i was exactly different from you, i would not have been impressed in the least.
I'm fucking weak dude. I really want to talk to you and not in the stilted way i had to in the lobby of my work building. I have your DVD and I dont want to see you but i do and i kinda want to be dramatic and leave it at your work without seeing you. Or I could do it friday when you'll be there and just completely disrespect your space.
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5/3
And it's over. Again.
Fuck being fair. I hate being fair and reasonable. I always have to be the one who makes the adult decision and I do not want to. I have cried more this last month than I have for the entirety of the three years preceding. I'm miserable and I did this all in the hopes that I would be helping you.
I'm too present
I'm too available.
I'm too kind. giving. loving. trusting.
I had nothing here. I am an incredible woman. I will tell myself over and over again that I am someone worthwhile because I can't feel it right now. I am a beautiful woman, who is valued and cared for and cherished.
He said he didn't want to play the games. He said that my honesty and forthright nature were appreciated and desired.
He said I was pining for him and that I was too much.
He said that I was girlfriend material. He said that he was happy to be committing to me. That he wanted this badly and that I was a ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak time.
He said he faked his happiness and that he only wanted me as a friend.
I am, apparently, a very desirable friend. Frank once told me that, at the end of the day I would only have myself to count on. Frank once told me that after 25, women are on the shelf. Frank has always known that I am not the person any one will ever commit to.
APF was likely only in my arms as a consolation. I'm sure that being comforted and cared for and soothed were the exact reasons I am no longer desirable to him. I offer no chase. I am forgiving and patient. It's the women who run and tease and give chase who are worthwhile. I am dogshit.
I am dog shit each and every time.
These endings never make me feel anything but worse about myself. Despite this, I am angry at APF. His reasons were all things that he actively encouraged and supported.
I didn't fucking deserve any of this and it really didn't help my trust issues at all.
Just finished my purge of contact points. Contact, text history, call logs are all cleard so i will not have any access to his phone number. The standard Facebook removal and then the additional removal from my Wii U friendlist. The trick is to make it actually impossible to contact the person who decided that it would be funsie time to rip out your heart and then blame you for having such an exposed organ.
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