why? Why am I so repulsive? I have tried. It isn't like I had low self-esteem before you. I thought I was pretty. I thought I was funny. I thought (inside joke coming) I was the fastest. I mean, now I know I'm not, but I thought I was awesome. So low self-esteem is not an excuse for why I am so disgusting to you. It has been a cycle since I started to like guys and it goes on and on. I get rejected by every guy. Morgan doesn't count in this because... he was different. People will tell me I am nice and funny and pretty but why does it feel like they are lying and all the guys who flinch or laugh when they find out I think they are really nice/cute/cool/hot/sweet. I want to be liked. Goddamn it, by someone who isn't a freshman or mentally retarded. Yes, that happened once. No nice guy thinks I am nice. Only the creeps, pot-heads and internet-stalkers like me. I want someone who wants me for who I am. Or at least has the capacity for it. AM I ROMANTICALLY CURSED???? You think someone would tell me if I was, you know? What is it about Ashley? What is it about her that makes her so magnetically attractive? I am not going to become her even if that meant I would be as apparently hot as she is. I just wish I knew. So I could understand. That is really all I want to know. I know that I am not going to be happy if I have a boyfriend, or even a nice guy who thinks highly of me. I figure I will live alone with my cats when I get older but it would be so much a comfort if I knew why I was the one cursed to live with felines all my life while all the other girls are out having fun and laughing as I die of an asthmatic attack. Goddamned cats. All I want is to be held and cared for. Is it really all that much to ask? And no, I am not going to settle for someone who is just going to hold me back from life. And who cant kiss anyway. Is that really all you think I will ever get? Because, if that is true, I would like to die right now. I have the razors, I will do it, just to get on with it, be judged, go to hell and wait it out. Why me? For all of this, why am I the one to be put down and held. Not that I am never happy, sure, I am. That isn't a good excuse either. What is it that makes me so unattractive? You know, I have never been approached at a mall, theater, anything, by a guy or girl. Is it just me, or is that beyond sad?
sincerely,
that fat girl you wouldn't ever think of in "that way"
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