mood- pathetic

Man, like stated above, I feel pathetic. Like nothing in my life is worth it. I am feeling less and less comfortable in my own skin. Like I don't know what to do with any part of my body. Or what to say or anything. I am just getting so freaking weird in my head. It is kinda scary to me because I like to know what I am doing. But I don't so yeah. I kinda just want to have someone here right now to tell me something good about me. And now that mom and dad are back home from their Mexico vacation, I know I am only going to hear some fucked up shit about me. It fucking sucks. I want to say some thing about this guy who seems so nice and funny but I have no idea how long I am going to feel like I do if nothing happens again. So that will be over in a few days. I felt like crap today. I even showed someone I barely know my arms. And I don't do that. But I made sure that he knew that if he told anyone, I would rip off his ear. And keep his hat. Ha, I told mom that I was watching Rules of Attraction with Ian and all she said to me was "You are going to give me a stomach ache." I really hate having a sick mom. I know how cold hearted that sounds but I do. It puts so much stress on me but I cant say anything cause, if I do, I am being stupid and selfish. So I keep it all in and nobody can figure out why I hate myself so much sometimes. I want some one who isn't going to ask about my mom before they ask about me. Some times, I want to be first. It doesn't have to be all the time, or even most of the time. Rarely would be perfect. But never, never am I thought of first. Not even in my own head. I have to put everything in front of my own needs goddamn it and I don't want to. I am so fucking sad and upset and fucked up right now. I want to figure out how to asphalt surf. I want to be loved. I want to get some action. I want someone to look me in the eye for longer than in passing. I want to party and stay out late and laugh because I can't not laugh. I don't want to be faking it. I want to feel part of the group. I want to be considered. I want to matter. But I cant have any of it. So I will get mom her water and pills, I will clean the kitchen and make something for Dad to eat, I will wash and iron Frankie's clothes so he might pay me attention instead of money. I will do everything I can for everyone else and wish I was in the dark, holding hands and being understood. Then laughing without having to push the sound out from my throat.