Hate hate hate hate. I feel like shit and am full of self hate right now. fuck you all. I don't need your shit. I don't need the stress you put on me. I don't need to be feeling so inferior to you. I want to be loved. goddamnit. Not even my mom loves me. fuck it all. I need to clean my room. I need to set up that protest in front of KFC. I need to get my shit together, but, I don't fucking feel like it. I want to sit down and have a nice chat. I am so fucking pathetic. It is sick, disgusting, repulsive. I hate myself so much right now. I hate people who assume stupid fucked up shit about me. Most, if not all, of the time, you are wrong. Oh yeah, I hate you, I hate what you stand for and I want to leave you all behind.
I miss. I miss Ashley, I miss being held and I miss being important. I love it when people talk to me. Online, on the phone, fun up to me on the street, anything. I am a foot note to everyone. The inside of my lip is burning because I forgot that I chewed it up and I drank orange juice. Burns like a mother fucker. Goddamn it. I hate everything right now. I am nothing I want to be. I guess the whole guy thing is a pathetic side effect of this insufficiency I feel. Like I am empty and useless. If you read this, please, make me important.
I think I am in like/love. Yeah. I do. he is nice. And funny. And cute. And he talks to me a lot. he makes me feel wanted, not even in a sexual way, just like I am fun and a good person to have around. Like I am worth spending time with. Like maybe, I could be someone who is worth it. I want to spend more time with him. There are actually two guys who fit this right now. I realized cause I was going to start talking about the other. I need more of these guys in my life. Less of people who make me want to run away, crawl into a corner and die. Crappy poetry anyone?
my leg itches, my nose is sore and my lip is still burning.
I am just all sorts of fucked up today
I wanted to go to a supposed party today. Apparently it was cancelled because he forgot to invite anyone but me. I tell myself that it is true and I am not just another hanger on again. Shoot me, now. I hope not I really hope not. Maybe though. And if I am not bad enough already, they will read this now and know how pathetic and stupid and dependent I am.
I am not Ashley.
I have a firework. I have the morbid desire to light it and hold it in my hand. I have an equally morbid desire to cut it up and see what else I can make out of it.
you know, this, all the doubt and confusion and hate and self-loathing, probably comes from David. I imagine it was dug up in my again since he came to the school looking as happy as ever. And Ashley left me to hang out with him. Second choice all over again. Too bad I would still give up anything to make sure she was happy. I would give up anyone. But then, she is worth it, I am not.
I am going to get into shit for this post
but then I have to get it out anyway. Please, read the disclaimer. I don't need people to get on me about this. Get mad at me, scream at me, make me want to rip at my face till I get at what really makes me mad.
I miss the penis... But is that so wrong?
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